He bloody brought the OW to our home.

[pleasereassure]

Following on from this thread

I took legal advice. The solicitor said that all that mattered were the emotional and physical needs of the children. H arranged to have DC for the day today. I'd had a really good phone call with him and explained what the solicitor had told me. He agreed and the phone call was positive.

He telephoned this morning at 8am and asked if all was ok to collect DC at 10am. Said it was. I called him back two mins later to check that he would be on his own. He confirmed yes. Again, I explained that, due to him leaving just six weeks ago it was too soon to introduce new partner to DC life. He agreed.

He came to collect. Again, I checked that he was going alone. He said he was.

Fast forward to 5.30pm. Dc arrive at the door saying "Mum, Melanie's in the car". I went out the the car and there she was. I asked her if she had been with my husband all day. She said Yes. I told my H I would see him in court. He wheel-span, like a 17 year old and yelled "Now you have a nice day..." out of the window as he sped away.

It helps having seen her as I was imagining a Pocohontas type beauty, which she isn't. And that helps! I am seething again. I know that he is entitled to have his own space but this is the FIRST time in two weeks, and only the third time in 5.5 weeks since he left, that he has seen DC. WHY does he need to share that time with his latest shag.

I feel bullied and lost. Off to put DC to bed. Back in a mo.

i meant that i do the same by always phoning ds daddy and not getting help with money x

hmmm. While I don't necessarily agree with the idea of introducing new girlfriends to children so soon, the reality is that they are his children too, and it is not down to op to dictate what he does during his access time. And there is not a court in the country that would agree to that.

But tbh I'm not sure that either op or her xh are really that happy about being separated - and I wonder if they are both trying to prove something here?

The other thread states that op ended the relationship. So if that's the case, why are you so bothered about him seeing someone else? She's not "the ow" she's his girlfriend, legitimately, he didn't leave you for her.

Equally I wonder if the op's dh is perhaps hurting over the split hence why he's shoving the new gf in op's face to try to make her jealous.

Just my observation..

Im confuded about this 'OW' thing. If he left 5.5 weeks ago and he's been with her for 3 weeks isnt she 'new' girlfriend rather than 'ow' ?

But either way, yes it is too soon for the children to be meeting her and spending time with her. I would also say that as their relationship is new he will be too interested in making sure she is happy and entertained when he should be concentrating on your DCs.

However, as someone with experience in this area and an ex who has a different women every week... who always meets DD... Please let it go.

You cant control him. Yes its immoral.. but its not illegal.

I know, Tiffany, that there is nothing stopping him from doing that. And obv he knows too, hence the nightmare today.

However, it is WRONG. It is not in the children's best interests. And he cannot see that. Is he unable to spend any time apart from his girlfriend of three weeks?

He's trying to wind you up. Just rise above him and feel sorry for the new GF who is obviously a bit of a nob too for going along with it. She's got a lot to look forward to. Serves her right tho.

He obviously still has feelings for you or else he wouldn't bother rubbing your face in it.

In a month or so's time you'll be laughing at him rather than getting angry because by then you will see him for what he is. An utter utter nobneck.

Wannabe, we've been together 12 years, married for 10. As mentioned in the other thread,I nursed him through cancer last year whilst we were living in Australia. DS2 was not in school, and H was in a hospital over an hours drive away. Last year was a blur of putting everyone elses needs first, along with selling houses, relocating....all done by me.

I am hurt by the way I am being treated. I told H to leave after his behaviour the night before, which as per other thread, the police were called due to intimidatin behaviour. It hurts. He leaves me and immediately starts a new relationship after being with me 12 years. Yes, it bloody hurts to be replaced so quickly.

foureleven, that must have been difficult. How did you deal with initially?

I haven't posted to ask AIBU. I am venting and need to be heard, and I want to take on your words of wisdom.

did he make the dc come running in to say she was there? sounds like he wanted it....have they spoken about her?

HanBanan, I honestly think that he utterly hates me and that's why he's behaving like this. He's made it quite clear how happy he is to be "Free at last".

AAARGH. I'm choking myself with worry and anger. I am playing into his hands.

The children actually had a great day today. I should be happy about that. Their needs come first. I need to practice what I preach.

I feel for you have been there and wondered wtf was going on.

Best advice I got was grieve for what could have been and move on.

This is really early days but keep doing what your doing and don't let what he is doing enter your head - yes hes'a pond life - cunt is really rather up makret for the way he is acting but who cares

your mum and you will shoulder this

if he wants contact get it in emal - get contact arrangments on a regualr basis email and tell him every weekend on a saturday or every other sunday but get it done and then it is up to him wheather he fucks up some more.

tell the children that daddy is having a crisis and it will settle down in a while and everything will sort its self out - cos it will.

he is using his dick to control the car and its going out of control rpaidly but soon the dick will be emty and his brain may well take over.

best of luck

thing is he probably hasn't moved on, he's on the rebound.

And he's hurting hence why he wants to hurt you by flashing this woman in your face, and it's working.

I'm certainly not saying that he is right to introduce her to the children so soon, but the reality is that there's really nothing you can do about that, so getting angry with him is just reinforcing his need to feel that you still have feelings for him, that you still care what he does.

Rise above it, in front of him anyway, by all means bitch to your friends and family about it, but don't let him see that it gets to you.

Sounds to me like he's feeling totally controlled by you and kicking back against that really hard. I'm NOT saying that you are controlling by this please understand. You gave yourself to him and the family totally through his illness and the need to re-locate back. If you say that this is some sort of weird personality change, could be a delayed reaction to having cancer and feeling controlled by that and it's now all transferred on to you. Ignoring your wishes, pleasing himself, makes him feel in control, in charge. Sounds like things could turn into a horrible battle of wills. It sounds like he is treating you and your sons despicably and is desperately in need of someone to help him find some self-awareness. As hard as it is, I'd be tempted to back off as much as is possible unless he actually puts the DCs in danger.

Can you discuss your worries about emotional hurt to the DCs with his Mum and Aunt at all?

Yes the kids do come first. If they enjoyed themselves and because they are young you might have to swallow your pride and sort of let him get on with it, so long as they are safe and having a good time.

Sooner or later he'll realise what he's lost, even if he never tells you that. Just make sure you and the kids are fine. 12 years is a long time with someone but people do change and sometimes not for the best.

Unfortunatley you can't influence his behaviour so create some barriers. Perhaps drop the children off/pick them up at a neutral place so you don't have to see him. Agree on a timetable (via email) that can only be changed in an emergency so you don't have to speak to him re. contact.

When you don't see him/speak to him for a while it will make everything run a lot more smoothly for you and he will have zero opportunity to wind you up.

Really, the not having to speak to the nobby x is the only way around this for you.

Eurostar, YES, he does think I'm controlling and I know I can be. It is as a result of doing everything for him for ten years. He has never paid a bill, never filled out a job application, never booked a babysitter, never applied for his licences...list is endless. I did it all for him because it would not get done. this was my mistake, I should have empowered him 12 years ago...instead I babied and, in his eyes, controlled him.

Your post has hit the nail on the head. I am playing into his hands by telling him what he can and can't do, and this is wrong of me. I need to let it and him go. "Ignoring your wishes, pleasing himself, makes him feel in control, in charge". YES YES YES. I agree with this.

Tiffany - YES, the children did come running in to tell me that she was in the car.

I am having lightbulb moments.

I am not liking myself right now and I do think I have to take some blame for this. He feels that he is taking control back as I have "controlled him" for years. Yes, that's it.

Can you "control" someone who does nothing?

no you don't control someone who doe nothing - as they choiose to do nothing and therefore are not being controlled into doing nothing - are they..

Hanbanan, yes I'd already thought about neutral drop-off places. I feel fine when I'm not thinking about him but get so anxious when I'm due to see him or speak to him.

Ladies, you are all giving me some brilliant advice. At first I simply wanted you to remind me what a nobber he is, but I really appreciate the turn this thread has taken. The children's needs come first. There was not a lot of love in our marriage and therefore I need to take responsibility for that also.

pleasereassure

Extremely unreasonable and selfish.

Rucky, he played computer games for four years. We never saw him. He wasn't part of the family unit. He wouldn't see to the children if they were distressed at night as he was playing a "timed game" and could not leave the laptop.

There is a fine line between control and simply having to make sure that the family day runs smoothly / according to plan.

Me Osama? Do you mean me?

all i can add,is my own ex dh was a bit like this. i nursed him through recouperating after a almost fatal car crash, he was full of gratitude at the time,but i just got on with it,3 dc also at the time. but afterwards,he was an idiot. once recovered it was like he resented the fact i'd been around to help him. maybe he felt controlled also....or de-masculated in some way??

yy Tiffany. I was confused as to why the cancer did not make him bounce back and think "Wow, I've got another go at life here...", but instead he went back to his hum-drum world of putting the computer before the family. Coupled with the high dosage prozac and booze.

I am sure that H felt demasculated for most of our marriage. I have lost count of how many times I had the "step up to the plate" converstaion, or trying to make him understand that our responsibilities were utterly unbalanced (ie me - everything, him-nothing). But I never, ever encouraged him or helped him to do nothing. I just wanted him to join in.

YOu deal with this by momentarily swallowing your rage, smiling and saying "Is she? That's lovely, maybe she'll buy you a present today?"

And you let them all go off.

YTHEN you may sob your heart out.

pleasereassure

Sorry, of course I don't mean you. He is a very cruel person, to do this to his children. Wtf, he has only known her three weeks, is he going to introduce them to his next bit of stuff , next week.

oh and by the way? Someone doing "nothing" is not the one being controlled here. The scales fell from my eyes while I was in the process of splitting up wiyth my ex ... I was the one who was being forced to spend every penny I had on household running, to do all the administration for the family with only half the facts at my disposal, to somehow guess whether bills had been paid, to get up every night with the baby and a 3 year old because he had up sticks to the sofa "so my snoring doesn't disturb you", the goddamn fucking CUNTING "TIMED GAMES" that meant he couldn't interact with his children.....

And he was often moaning that I was trying to control him by insisting he turned around to speak to Ds1 rather than just sing song his name back to him in an attempt to trick Ds1 into thinking he was being interacted with (which only worked, it turns out, because Ds1 is autistic), or maybe by insisting on seeing the rent payment receipts after he has nearly gotten us evicted for defaulting 3 times in 4 months to the tune of £500, but all I did was try to stop him controlling me....

I agree colditz. Someone who does nothing is actually deeply controlling as it forces the other person to take up the slack.