when you cant have the one you love, love the one your with?

[impossiblesituation]

I am stupidly in love with someone. He knows how i feel, but he is always chaning his mind about what he wants. Sometimes he wants it, sometimes he doesnt and its all very very silly.
( We havent had sex, so its not like he is using me for that)

I have come to the conclusion that it is unlikely to ever happen. I get asked out a lot and have five dates lined up in the coming week as it silly to keep holding out for something that is not going to happen.

It just perplexes me that other men seem to find me very attractive, ( they tell me so) and funny and interesting and cute and sexy and i normally just have to smile and i get my way. Yet this man, the one i really want just doesnt. Well he says im very attractive and that sometimes he loves me. But, im not with him IFSWIM.

I am still going to talk to him, and be friends and probably live in hope of the situation changing and him making a decision and sticking to it.

So - is the song true, if you cant be with the one you love, love the one your with?

It sounds like a power thing, he knows that you want him so he can mess with your mind, he's just stringing you along in order to boost his ego. Why don't you back off from him a bit? tell him that you've accepted that you two can't be together, as soon as he thinks that you're not too interested in him he'll soon start the chase again - only difference is, he'll be chasing you.

That has happened many times before. Not so long ago i told him i was done with it and could not talk to him anymore.

This was after we made a date and then he cancelled it and then said he was busy for the forseeable future.

Two weeks on from that hes calling me, telling me he loves me, but no date has been forth coming.

walk away. He sounds like he's on a power trip. There isn't only one person in this world for you. So, instead of love the one you're with, why not think of it, if you can't be with the one you love, find another one you love....

Seriously, you'rew gorgeous (the other guys aren't all wrong!) and you deserve to be appreciated rathger than used as an ego boost for an idiot

This is what i think. Not too blow my own trumpet or anything, but im not bad looking at all.
I get alot of compliments ( from men and women)
Im confident, educated, well read, im interested in current affairs and am knowledgable about all sorts of things.
Im into music and films, i go to gigs and festivals.
im a mean cook.
Im funny, lot of fun, can laugh at myself, i work, have a nice house/garden/car.
I get told im very very sexy.

Like i said, i get asked out a lot, This last week ive had two men literally begging to take me out, when i said i couldnt until next week they were most put out.

But him, the one i want...... 1 Year, 3 dates. He apparently wants to be in a relationship with me, but wont see me?????

I dont get it.

He's mental, or in the closet, or a megalomaniac, or all of the above.

What does it matter the reason? This is obviously going nowhere so f*ck it off and find someone who isn't a game player and will appreciate all your great qualities.

Be strict and honest with yourself too. It sounds like you're used to getting your own way and this guy isn't giving it up for you. Are you really so in love with him? Or do you just want what you can't have?

Don't get sucked into an unhealthy situation just because your own ego can't take being turned down. He doesn't sound like he'd be worth the effort it would take if you did manage to win him over.

Why do you want him? I dont beleive you can be "in love" if you have only had 3 dates. You hardly know him.

Are you interested in him because he is unattainable? Are you both game playing here?

If not, you should give up on him because he is definitely messing with you. You dont seem short on confidence, so get out there and find someone else who doesnt play silly games.

You want him because he's a challenge, he's difficult to get, he doesn't want you because you are not a challenge for him, you are doing all of the chasing. It's all a big game, forget him and move on, if you've only had 3 dates then surely you're not 'in love' with him?

We talk on the phone a lot. probably 4 times a week. for a good few hours. This has been going on for about a year.

So, despite so very few dates, we do know each other a lot better than that.

I dont know what the problem is with him, i really dont and he says he doesnt understand it himself, which is a cop out.

I do think part of the thing is now that i refuse to give up. It is a bit like a game. And i do very much want what i cant have.

I dont know.

I just dont understand thats all. Last year i was briefly seeing someone, who by everyones accounts was 'well fit' Personally i didnt see it, too hung up on this other guy.

Couple of weeks ago i had a date with a man with a lotus ffs. I turned down a second date, too hung up on this other guy.
Ive currently got a 24 year old adonis with a body to die for ( he models. in rl. Have seen his portfolio) lusting after me. While im very flattered ( im not 24, early 30's) and will go out with him, i know it wont go anywhere, too hung up on this other guy.

I have a date tomorrow, with a lovely man, Seems really really nice, Hes a writer... I expect ill have fun, but it wont go anywhere.

Ive a date next with with an army captain, fit as anything, really nice... but im not all that keen and am messing him about already.

A bo chemist has been trying to get me to go out with him for 3 months. I flirt, laugh, chat to him then refuse.

I do not know what is wrong with me really.

Too hung up on someone i cant have.

Sooo, the man you want is treating you like you're treating the ones you don't want?

I'm sure you can see the irony...

This situation is never going to be resolved because as nice as you sound, you're not listening to advice. You are chasing him, you are too easy for him to have, he knows that if he snaps his fingers then you'll go running to him, to keep a man interested you need to keep him on his toes, not be there at his beckon call. All you are doing is feeding his male ego, you say "i do think part of the thing is now that i refuse to give up. It is a bit like a game. And i do very much want what i cant have" - you can't have him, he doesn't want you while you are doing all of the chasing. As for the bio chemist and the army captain you are not even giving them a chance.

"Last year i was briefly seeing someone, who by everyones accounts was 'well fit' Personally i didnt see it, too hung up on this other guy."

maybe thats the way he feels about you?

is thi for real??

My dad has a lotus - he's a lovely lovely dad but lol,

Just not that into you

Sorry

cut him loose and move on - you have plenty of choice by the sound of it!

I agree with Belle

I wouldnt see anyone for now and sort your own head out.

And not a word about the personalities of these guys. All about "how fit they are"....jesus, back when we were 14.

Says it all really.

Maybe this bloke you are "hung up" on actually does have a personality and that's why he's just not that into you.

This is playground stuff...as soon as he can't have you he will want you. Think you should move on...altho' i am sure that he will really want you back when you do...you will then have to think very carefully about his character...enjoy your (other) options...great time in your life so have fun

Gay, personally i am

yes the song is true.

Wind up.

oh - they all have nice personalities, else i wouldnt talk to them. My point was, that not only are they nice, they are physically very very nice, and by all accounts a 'good catch'
Its not that my only other option is looser men with nothing going for them.

That was what i was trying to say, maybe i said it wrong.

Im well aware im not giving anyone else a chance, im also aware that is silly of me. Hence the thread.

Good advice.

well in the same way as they're good catches but you're just not that interested he may see that you're technically a 'good catch' but the chemistry's not there

Do you want him cos you can't have him?

Sounds like most single blokes wouldn't be able resist so he is either looking for a challenge or possibly gay or he already has a girlfriend?

Why is it a wind up?

I know its half term and everything, but bloody hell, stop shouting troll every few posts.

There is nothing here troll like.

This is a genuine problem that im having that im asking for advice on. Too some it might be a bit silly, to me, this has caused me so many hours/days of heartache.

I have often thought the whole ' hes not that into me thing. But hes the one that contacts me in 85% of the cases. Hes the one that puts his feelings on the line. I hold back unless pressed. Hes the one that pushes things, but then pulls back.
I dont do any of it, if hes not that into me whats the point of him doing this? its that which i dont understand and i supose, that which keeps a tiny thread of hope.

The chemistry is there. Bucket loads.

If its possible there is too much. I think if i understood the problem i would be able to get over it, move on as it were.

for me it was the listing of the jobs that the men who are hankering after you have - the OP and other posts seemed plausible

He is just playing games with you, getting a kick out of a attractive woman chasing him.

What some people find attractive others don't.

You can have a really good looking bloke but not fancy them. Maybe that's what his problem is.