when you cant have the one you love, love the one your with?

[impossiblesituation]

I am stupidly in love with someone. He knows how i feel, but he is always chaning his mind about what he wants. Sometimes he wants it, sometimes he doesnt and its all very very silly.
( We havent had sex, so its not like he is using me for that)

I have come to the conclusion that it is unlikely to ever happen. I get asked out a lot and have five dates lined up in the coming week as it silly to keep holding out for something that is not going to happen.

It just perplexes me that other men seem to find me very attractive, ( they tell me so) and funny and interesting and cute and sexy and i normally just have to smile and i get my way. Yet this man, the one i really want just doesnt. Well he says im very attractive and that sometimes he loves me. But, im not with him IFSWIM.

I am still going to talk to him, and be friends and probably live in hope of the situation changing and him making a decision and sticking to it.

So - is the song true, if you cant be with the one you love, love the one your with?

are you carrie bradshaw?

im not arrogant at all. im just speaking freely, this is, afterall, annonomous. i would not say those things in rl ( apart from to close friends and family)

I place no value on the lotus. Its not mine, i do however know of many women, who would date a man for that reason alone. I know of many women who marry for money. My point was, why cant i just do that.

The reason is, ( and this is the same for all of them) beacuse i will feel like i have settled for second best.

I dont have low self esteme at all. Im not insecure.. i may be a little shallow, but im willing to admitt that. 5 dates in one week. Ego boost of course, but also due to time constraints and having to fit things around when i havent got the children.

I listed my positives, beacuse im trying to work out what the problem is. I do know its his problem and not mine and there is nothing i can do about it. He is free to do as he wishes and i can do nothing about it. I just struggle with understanding it all.

He has actually said in his own words that he is very much in love with the idea of me, but meeting me always confuses him as its like im two people. His person and then the person he comes face to face with.
Yet again i dont understand. I dont know if i should hang around and wait for him to sort it out/or try and help/or just cut my losses.

I will still go on my dates. You never know, somone might come along and knock me off my feet, and one date is not promising anything to the men is it.

I dbase my value around men im with. Id been single for a long time before i started dating. Im a well rounded person who is comfident in my own skin.

I don't think you're ever going to understand what's going on in his head, but you don't need to. All you need to know is that he's messing you around and stopping you from getting on with your life. If I were you I'd cut all contact.

that is far clearer - and kind of how I imagined it.

He doesn't want you, he wants the idea of you in his head.

I had this with someone once. In the end he admitted that it was because of DS. When we first knew each other a long time ago I was free and single. Now I have DS and it was that part of my reality that he couldn't come to terms with. While we were just talking on the phone he could pretend DS didn't exist. When we saw each other there was no getting round the truth.

That makes him sound like an arse, which he was, I now see.

Do you think it could be something like that?

Definitely bin him and move on. It's tough, but the cleaner the break, the faster it heals. Make sure you completely cut him off.

he's just not into you.stop putting yourself through self imposed turmoil.

mooooooooooove on and stop holding a candle for someone who doesn't want you

you have other offers.other choices

utilise them

< in his own words that he is very much in love with the idea of me, but meeting me always confuses him as its like im two people. His person and then the person he comes face to face with. >

Thank you for that, impossible. It now seems crystal clear! The 'you' he phones & emails is a made-up woman from his own fantasy, he's just given her some of your basic details. The real you isn't what he wants.

Simples. Phew!!

hes trying to give you hint,but you aint listening

if he had any interest you'd be together.
he has no interest in you,but is making wishsy washy statements about idea of you

that's so woolly you could put it in a field and call it dolly.its a cheesy let down

anyhoo,as you say you have offers.you are attractive. go forth have some fun

I dunno, it wouldn't surprise me overmuch if his pushme-pullyou game is part of an effort to get her to try & fit his fantasy. Some pwople are weird like that, and they're all game-players.

Totally agree, impossible, go forth and have fun! Delete him.

Oh Impossiblesituation-I could have written your post and then some, if they are calling you a troll on that much information I dread to think what they'd call me if I recounted my tale.

I have no advice for you. Someone just like this really fucked my head up a decade ago. He'd be 33 now too.

His name is not John by any chance is it?

Impossible do yourself a favour and look at this website www.baggagereclaim.co.uk.
This guy is classic Mr Emotionally Unavailable. You need to implement the No Contact rule to end all the stupid game-playing that these idiotic type of men-boys love to enage in. You delete all of his numbers, his email address, from facebook etc and don't respond to anything he sends your way.

"Mr Unavailable (or as some refer to him EUM ? emotionally unavailable man) is one of the most dangerous men that you could meet and every day his inability to tap into his emotions and into himself has millions of women investing their time and energy into fruitless liaisons with him."

dare I read on?

I suspect that if you ever did it with him, he would be a massive let down.

Why do you thing it would be a let down for her TDiddy?

you dont need wanky self help advice just common-sense

hes not that into you.no fancy terminology or navel gazing not required

mooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooove on sister

see - easy peasy

victoriascrumptious - just a hunch... too vain sounding

yes grace. I think you are right. We have discussed it and i have told him that i think he projects a lot onto me. Either how he wants me to be, or wants me to think.

If i disagree he is nearly always shocked as he cant understand why and gets a bit annoyed that ive not behaved/said as he thought i was going to.
Ive tried to tell him its beacuse of what he projects onto me, but he doesnt see it.

I think im very much a fantasy person, with a real voice.

ive read that website before. He is very emotionally unavalible. Im well aware of that.

I dont think hes hinting at all. He chases after me. I dont chase him. I just think that he would rather have the fantasy as its easier.

Cutting contact is something that i cant do. But i will date and hope i meet someone nice. Going forth and having fun is my plan of action. Maybe ill have so much fun ill forget.

ANyway - this has been very helpful.
Thanks

I think you're indulging yourself in the drama of the situation... your user name 'impossible situation' and statements such as, 'Cutting contact is something that I can't do'... Why? Why is the situation so impossible and why can't you cut contact with him?

If you were really, truly miserable with this situation you would cut contact with him. Simple. You would not see this as an impossible situation but actually a pretty straightforward one. It's not working, you're wasting your time, so you would end it.

Look, I went out with a guy once. All my friends fancied him. He was built like a brick shithouse and did modelling and door security to fund his phd. He was v good looking - and had a massive cock. But while everyone fancied him, I just didn't. I really felt that I should fancy him because he ticked all the boxes, so I let it happen for a while, hoping that I'd suddenly find a spark, but I didn't. I finally found the balls to realise that he was nothing more than an accessory to my fragile ego and so I ended it. He was very upset and I felt wretched afterwards but I was so relieved to realise that what one person may find attractive, another may not. It helped me when it came to relationships as I didn't view later heartbreak so personally.

When you meet the right person, it all clicks into place. Dh and I were both picky, and had broken many other hearts before we met each other. And even though we had played games in the past it didn't occur to us to do it to each other because when we met we quite simply wanted to be together and that was that.

There is a bastard and a pussycat in every bloke, when you meet someone who truly loves you he will not be a bastard.

But perhaps you just don't want simplicity .

those wanky advice websites steeped in psychobabble. labelling and pseudo-intellectualising quite straight forward stuff

Another way to deal with it: you say you're stupidly in love with him. So why not imagine him stupidly in love with you. Imagine him calling you ten times a day, begging you to move in with him, etc, etc. Then ask yourself: would you still be so crazy about him?

It may just be that "can't have him so I want him" factor. Most of us have been there, done that.

And you can cut contact with him...which you must. Even if you work with him, you can explain in very unemotional terms that your relationship must be purely professional from now on. I know you're not chasing him, but it sounds like you convince yourself he's interested when he does call. He sounds like a complete a..hole!

agree with Fizz.

And even if you really wanted him, the only way to get him is to blank him....so blanking him is the ONLY option. QED

think you bitty drama queen and dont want achievable solution.maybe you like the will he/wont he drama

anyone can cut contact with a high maintenance bloke who isnt into you -if they want to

you dont want to.

and will some up with reasons not to.ensuring close social proximity and ongoing drama and histrionics

Ive tried to tell him its beacuse of what he projects onto me, but he doesnt see it.

I think im very much a fantasy person, with a real voice"

Yeah the bloke I knew did that too. I never fully realised until a mate said "you know he has you on a fucking great pedistal don't you?".

Hasn't worked for me. You can't try to be in love with someone, it just happens or not. You can learn to appreciate the other person though, and see the good things, blah blah blah. But butterflies in your tummy? You can't choose that!

As they sing in Carmen, the opera: "L'amour est enfant de boheme. Il n'a jamais jamais connu de lois ..."