when you cant have the one you love, love the one your with?

[impossiblesituation]

I am stupidly in love with someone. He knows how i feel, but he is always chaning his mind about what he wants. Sometimes he wants it, sometimes he doesnt and its all very very silly.
( We havent had sex, so its not like he is using me for that)

I have come to the conclusion that it is unlikely to ever happen. I get asked out a lot and have five dates lined up in the coming week as it silly to keep holding out for something that is not going to happen.

It just perplexes me that other men seem to find me very attractive, ( they tell me so) and funny and interesting and cute and sexy and i normally just have to smile and i get my way. Yet this man, the one i really want just doesnt. Well he says im very attractive and that sometimes he loves me. But, im not with him IFSWIM.

I am still going to talk to him, and be friends and probably live in hope of the situation changing and him making a decision and sticking to it.

So - is the song true, if you cant be with the one you love, love the one your with?

"I think if i understood the problem i would be able to get over it"

There is no problem on his part - he is enjoying stringing you along. Maybe your problem is you are a bit gullible.

can i please have your cast offs??

know that doesn't help but where on earth are you meeting all this wonderful guys.

mateyboy is a knob who enjoys keeping you dangling - leave him to it, his problem if he wakes up and realises what he's missed out on.

The problem is that he doesn't like you and doesn't see you as relationship material but it's boosting his male ego that you are chasing him! Have some self respect and move on!

but ive already said, most of the contact is iniated by him. I leave it up to him as then i know he is talking to me beacuse he wants to, not beacuse i called him or whatever.

Why does he persist calling me if he doesnt want me?

Why??

I might be guilable, maybe. But again, what i dont understand is why someone would say that they do love you and want to be in a relationship with you and then just not.

Really - because whats the point of that?

what ages are we talking about here?

Because he enjoys game playing, because its an ego boost for him, because he is a twat... It doesnt really matter why, dont let him continue.

Why don't you ask him?
Tell him you are not going to wait around for him to make up his mind.

You sound quite shallow and insecure. If you're very young, that might explain it.

I don't know why your pal likes you but doesn't want to date you - but I do think your main frustration here is to do with power. You're evaluating your own worth according to the 'quality' of the guys you can pull (get 'power' over). Seems like you can't pull this one - so you feel it's a reflection on your value. It isn't. He's free to make his own choices, same as you are. Respect that.

You could probably do with working on your sense of inner security. This book's good but, if there are deep-seated issues involved, you might want to consider counselling/therapy at some point. For now: try treating men - and yourself - with full respect. Keep this one as a friend, nothing more.

grace - its not really to do with that. My frsutration is with somone who wont leave me alone. promises me the world, yet refuses to do anything about it.

I have, on numerous occassions told him in not waiting about for him. Or told him in not talking to him anyone. Or that i dont want anything more to do with him. But the man wont leave me alone. I dont understand why, if he doenst want me he wont just let me go.

I have asked him. He always says he wants to be with me, that we are perfect for each other and that he loves me. Then he tends to go cold and back away. Until i get fed up and tell him to sod off and then he comes running back. All this happens without us even meeting. This is a very very silly situation and one i want to move on from. Again, hence the if you cant be with the one you love, love the one your with post.

Hes 33. Im 32.

Thanks for your reply! OK, then, he's yanking your chain, isn't he? It might be time to block his number ...

What impression do you get? That he's impossibly nervous about forming A Relationship with you, or he's not all that keen, or something weird & best left unexplored?

Why do you keep taking his calls? What's he got that all these other men haven't?

Well. To me it sounds as though he needs to have someone to talk to who finds him attractive and cares about him. By keeping you available he is getting the companionship of a relationship and the feeling that he has someone 'special' in his life without actually having to have a proper, grown-up, complicated relationship with all the responsibilities that entail. He's a coward, basically.

When you back off he panics and reels you back in, but as soon as you are available, he will start holding you at arms length again. Basically, this means that he is not that in to you (I'm afraid) but equally doesn't want to lose the idea of you.

Also, I've no doubt that he does like you and gets on well with you, but maybe he just doesn't want a relationship with anyone.

I think he's being really unfair and giving off conflicting messages. Don't let him carry on doing this. It's obviously damaging your self-esteem because you have started to list your attractive qualities in an effort to reassure yourself that this is his problem and not yours. That is not a good sign.

Ditch him. Block his number, don't answer any calls or emails or anything. Complete Cold-turkey is the only way.

Maybe you should cancel these dates that aren't going to go anyway as it is hardly fair on the men. Unless you just want a free dinner and enjoy having men desperate for you.

This other bloke is a prat, a player or more than likely married. He doesn't want to be with you. Walk away.

You need to calm down a bit too. You come across as cocky rather than confident.

oh - also meant to say - don't go out with other people at the moment. You seem to basing way too much of your self esteem on men. Forget it for a while and start celebrating your other qualities instead of basing your self-worth on who you can and can't pull.

Think you need to read "Women who love too much" written by Robin Norwood.

What did your parents teach you about relationships when growing up?. Was your own father this emotionally unavailable, do you find yourself drawn inexorably to emotionally unavailable men like this man who calls you up now and again?.

Think you need a complete break from men for the time being as none of them are right for you. Love your own self for a change because I don't think you love you at all.

I don't mean this in a judegmental way - and possibly you're not so open in RL about your understanding of your own appeal, but you do come across quite arrogant.

I find arrogance a HUGE turn off, and while in my single days I would be quite happy to flirt and enjoy banter with arrogant / super confident men, I could never seriously date one. It can be quite intimidating (although I understand there is often vulnerability beneath it.

Lots of men do find that type of super confidence sexy though - as you are obviously well aware

People have their 'types' and while he may find you incredibly alluring - he may know deep down that you are not right for him.

Walk away, even if thngs worked out with the guy you want, he would always have the upper hand in the relationship. That is never healthy!

Delete his number and move on, I would expect gestures of the grandest nature to tempt me to give him another chance.

I have a close friend in the same situation as you and it's been going on for years. Whenever she starts to move on, start dating someone she likes. He swoops back in and says that he wants to be with her. She drops everything and then he backs out. It's painful to watch and I feel so sad that's she's too stuck in this vicious circle to get out of it. Don't make the same mistake!

Or maybe I'm just a horrid b**ch and your do actually have low self esteem. Sorry.

Who wants five date's in one week?

Ego boost perhaps??

Mind due not that you need a ego boost,you sound quite big-headed.

I don't understand how you can be in love with someone you hardly ever see. It sounds more like infatuation to me - on both sides. All the drama of romance with none of the commitment or responsibilities.

I agree with the others' comments about you having low self esteem, you do come across as shallow and insecure. Sorry if that sounds harsh but it's true. You're placing too much importance on physical and material attributes as if you going out with a guy with a Lotus is somehow a reflection of your worth. It's not. Even if he takes you out to dinner, even if you sleep with him, he's still the one that owns the Lotus and you're still the one being strung along by a bellend.

You're not in love, this isn't a relationship, your whole is not the sum total of the men you go out with.

Thanks Madonna. That's what I wanted to say. You put it better.

Have you considered the fact he may have someone else? Not read whole thread, so not sure if its been suggested.

I sadly, was told, a very long time after the event, that my DH was 'seeing' somone whilst I was pg. He did the whole couldn't commit to her, didn't know why... ( erm perhaps the fact I was Pg etc etc etc) I know everything about the whole betrayal and affair. I feel sick even mentioning it. He could even be the bloke you're talking about. THough, I made my decision to forgive & move on, though hard at time, i keep it to myself.

Anyway, this is not about me, but you,I apologize.

I just wanted to perhaps give a different perspective... albeit a not very positive one. However, it does't all sound very positive anyway. I'm sorry, and hope you get things sorted out and find happiness

I never believe in this "I don't know what I want". He knows what he wants and it isn't you (unless there's something that actually scares him away from being intimate with anyone such as for example, a nasty skin condition, a sexually transmittable virus, a history of erectile dysfunction).

Anyway, I'd say, step away from the time waster...

Meanwhile...where do you meet all these single, available men?!

I'd say that he has someone else and is just stringing you along, he's playing mind games.

Maybe he's just arrogant and cocky too and you've met your match?