Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

boyfriend of 4 years wants abortion

57 replies

knasher29 · 04/06/2010 22:41

I just need some advice really - 2 unplanned pregnancies in the last 2 years (both times taking the pill). First one last year ended in abortion after my boyfriend managed to persuade me into it - this resulted in complete relationship break down, my mental breakdown and moving out of London for 6 months. We patched things together again after much hard work at xmas but now just found out i'm 4 weeks preg again!! Don't think I can go through that again but boyf has made it clear he's still not ready for family (he's 25, i'm 27)- feels like dejavu form last year.. Can i go it alone and lose him??? I'm a qualified teacher but currently nannying so don't really have many rights as no contract. If I did decide to continue with the preg, I would have to move out of London, closer to close family and friends. Any similar experiences would be appreciated

OP posts:
Hodie · 04/06/2010 22:46

Yes - you can go it alone. Knickers to what he thinks.

This is about your health. He's not the one with the womb and the consequences. Kick him to the kerb.

wukter · 04/06/2010 22:47

I am sorry Knasher, I haven't been in your situation.
But I do know you can go it alone.
TBH I think no matter what you choose you will have to let him go.
If you continue with the pg he may disappear, if you don't you will resent him.

I think you should concentrate on yourself when making this decision, as I think it's time for you to cut loose from this man. So decidde whether to continue or not with pg without taking his feelings into account. They don't matter any where as much as yours matter, now.

CallMeMissTweedy · 04/06/2010 22:48

If your gut says 'have the baby', you must go with that.

poshsinglemum · 04/06/2010 22:48

Have your baby and tell hime to fuck off. Same happened to me - I love my baby and miss him not one jot. If he is so sgainst you having his bambinos mabe he shug get a vasectomy. Keep your baby but please- do not keep this looser!

DanJARMouse · 04/06/2010 22:48

You have to do what YOU want to do. If an abortion is not on the cards as far as you are concerned then your boyfriend has 2 options, grow the fuck up and understand his responsibilities or leave.

You are strong enough to do this alone, with support from friends and family.

Take care and take some time out to think about what YOU want x

hellymelly · 04/06/2010 22:51

It sounds as though you really regretted the first termination,so another would be pretty grim for you,and things may not be as bleak as they seem now.A v.close friend of mine had her boyfriend even book an appointment at the abortion clinic..on her BIRTHDAY ! She refused and her mother called his mother and told her what was going on,his mother read him the riot act,and the pregnancy went ahead,he was just freaked out by the idea i think,because he really loves his son,they are still together and have another son,the boys are in their late teens now.Your boyfriend is young and may not have much experience of babies,but when his child is born he could well feel differently,love changes everything.(they were around your age at the time btw)

Original poster
knasher29 · 04/06/2010 22:52

Wow!! Thank you for so many speedy responses - I feel stronger already.. So much easier to do this anon - feel it's too early to start discussing/slating partner so early before I've made my decision.

Thanks again, and please keep them coming.

OP posts:
winnybella · 04/06/2010 22:53

If you don't want an abortion, than don't have it. Sorry, but the guy sounds like a tosser. You can do it, definitely- it may be a little bit harder, but then you'll also have your baby and will find strenght and motivation to work hard and get a good job. It's good you have family and friends that can help out.

LilQueenie · 04/06/2010 22:58

He sounds like a loser. He seems to think abortion is a contraceptive. Tell him to sod off and then decide what is right for you.

ChickensHaveNoEyebrows · 04/06/2010 22:59

If you want this baby, you can have it. Fuck him and the horse he rode in on if he thinks he can tell you what to do with your body. If he was that worried about fatherhood, he could have worn a condom, especially after last year. Abortion is not an easy option, and he appears to think that it is (and also that it's your 'problem'). There are women all over the world raising children alone, and for the most part they do a bloody good job. Don't be bullied.

AllSheepareWhite · 04/06/2010 22:59

Really regretted my termination, so made a pledge to myself to keep any babies that came along, best thing I ever did. Tell him your decision once you have made it and why you made it, then give him choice to be involved if you decide to go through with pregnancy. It will be hard if he doesn't want to be involved, but you can do it.

SirBoobAlot · 04/06/2010 23:01

Tell him to bugger off and do what is right for you - whether that is to keep your baby or not, you don't need this prat in your life.

winnybella · 04/06/2010 23:02

Oh, and I had ds with an, mmm, well, not a great guy, to say the least. First year of his life I had to depend on myself to feed and clothe us both. It was fine ie hard sometimes, but not traumatic iyswim. Also had no family around to help. We separated and he's a good father now, though. Then I had dd with DP and then got accidentally pregnant few months ago. I did have a termination, for many reasons, but it was MY decision, DP respected it, didn't press me to do it at all.

But if you don't want an abortion, then if you go ahead and do it to stay with your partner, it could be potentially disastrous thing that in all probability would affect very badly your relationship anyway, not even mentioning your well being.

Also, if you've been with the gut for a few years, had one unplanned pg and he's still not ready to form a family...frankly, I wouldn't bother with him.

Best of luck.

PortiaNovmerriment · 04/06/2010 23:03

He will still be financially responsible. You can do it on your own, but may find that he comes round. I would find it hard to feel very warm towards somebody so insensitive to my feelings though.

EdgarAllenPoll · 04/06/2010 23:06

if you want an abortion, have one,. if you don't,then don't. ultimately he is not the one who has the abortion, so whether he wants one or not is not the deciding factor.

either way you may have regrets - but seriously -wouldn't this spell the end of your relationship even if you had the termination?

mrsfollowill · 04/06/2010 23:12

If you have been together for 4 years and he is not 'ready' will he ever be? You are both mid twenties - not 16. If you want this baby have it on your own if he is not man enough. You must be confused and upset right now but how did this happen again ? It the pill failed the first time why keep relying on it? Hope things work out as you want them to and take care.

Original poster
knasher29 · 04/06/2010 23:20

Thanks again for all the stories and advice.. stopping me from going nuts with my own thoughts!

In response to how it happened twice, well, I changed the pill I was on under docs advice - from mini to combined and thought this would be fine.. guess the hormones don't work on everyone. I was actually booked in to get a cap fitted too!

OP posts:
MagalyZz · 04/06/2010 23:23

I agree, have your baby and tell him to fuck off. Couldn't have put it better PSM

MagalyZz · 04/06/2010 23:28

ps, especially as you've been with him four years and he wants you to go through something he knows will distress you. If after four years he sees putting you through another stressful situation as preferable to having a baby with you! - then if you lose him it will be NO loss.

That is just a longer way of saying have your baby and tell him to fuck off. last time you did what he wanted. This time, you do what you want.

And congratulations on your pregnancy by the way. Stressful start to your pregnancy but this doesn't mean that you can't enjoy your pregnancy.

Original poster
knasher29 · 04/06/2010 23:30

that's the first time someone's said congratulations! Thank you.

OP posts:
PortiaNovmerriment · 04/06/2010 23:31

Let me be the second then- congratulations, you deserve to feel good about this, and excited. If he doesn't want to enjoy this with you, it's his lookout, frankly.

foxytocin · 04/06/2010 23:33

Hey, if you can find it in yourself to pick yourself out of the relationship breakdown, the mental breakdown, moving out and then back to London and reestablish the relationship with this guy, then you totally have the emotional reserves and determination to take care of this baby the way he/she deserves to be raised, on your own.

By all means give him the opportunity to grow up and be a part of both your lives but don't hold your breath and definitely don't take yourself to hell and back for this any man again.

Greythorne · 04/06/2010 23:34

Doesn't matter how it happened. The past is over. But you are pregnant right now and you have to decide. It is your body, your life, your future. how he fits into it can be debated later. Think about what is best for you.
If you have framily support - even if it means moving from London - then you have the chance to make a whole new life for yourself.

If you decide you want the status quo with your BF, that's also acceptable.

But it doesn't sound like that's where you're heading.

motherlovebone · 04/06/2010 23:40

i was 27 when i had my darling daughter.

you may regret having an abortion, but you will never regret having a baby.

time to start focussing on yourself/your baby then

may i be the next MN'er to congratulate you

what a year 2011 will be!

keep us posted

MagalyZz · 04/06/2010 23:40

You're welcome! and you will be fine, honestly. You're not a child. You know your own mind and you want this baby. I'm on my own too now,and it's easier than trying to deal with an immature man/bully/whatever

Swipe left for the next trending thread