boyfriend of 4 years wants abortion

[knasher29]

I just need some advice really - 2 unplanned pregnancies in the last 2 years (both times taking the pill). First one last year ended in abortion after my boyfriend managed to persuade me into it - this resulted in complete relationship break down, my mental breakdown and moving out of London for 6 months. We patched things together again after much hard work at xmas but now just found out i'm 4 weeks preg again!! Don't think I can go through that again but boyf has made it clear he's still not ready for family (he's 25, i'm 27)- feels like dejavu form last year.. Can i go it alone and lose him??? I'm a qualified teacher but currently nannying so don't really have many rights as no contract. If I did decide to continue with the preg, I would have to move out of London, closer to close family and friends. Any similar experiences would be appreciated

Oh, yes, I forgot as well...

Congratulations!!!!!!!

Yes, congratulations!

Every time I hear of a man (in a long term relationship!) saying he doesn't want children ..... it turns out what he really means is I don't want YOUR children. And we are talking at least 5 instances I know of myself where they then bugger off and have kids with someone else.
My DD is the best thing I ever did and I have raised her single handed. It's tough but she has truely brought joy into my life in a way no other single person ever has.

You do what is right for you!

[Congrats as well!!!!!]

What a lovely message to wake up to! Feeling much more positive about the situation this morning - good to have my boyf away for the weekend to get some space.

I agree - there are many great single mums - I just never thought I might be one of them. I have always dreamt of the whole marriage, then kids thing, happily ever after - how naive of me eh? Doesn't happen to everyone! Think I watch too many soppy films..

Does anyone know about financial stuff (i.e. cringe: benefits)? I'll be saving as much as posible through the preg and family will help but don't want to be totally reliant on them.

I know what you mean, it takes a while to mourn the loss of that 'ideal'. The whole decent popular loving husband notion, 2.4 children, labrador & people carrier.,

BUT although the realisation that you won't have that literally aches when you first become aware of it, it definitely does not carry on aching for the rest of your child's childhood!! It's a phase.

Who knows what's around the corner?! Probably a happy life. With or without any other man/job/plan...... You and your child can be a happy family, which is better than a miserable conventional one..

PS let your friends help you.

When I was busy maintaining a facade I never had any help, but when everybody knew my 'situation' lol, offers of help came from people and I said 'yes please' for the first time in a long time and it was such a relief.

I shall defo be accepting help with open arms!!! I just hope once he knows how serious I am, he may come round to the idea.. I think his mum may have words with him anyway (we are good friends and when she found out about the previous situation, she was disgusted). Forgot to mention, I had to get my mum to come down last time because he went home to play cricket!!

You will be so much better off on your own Knasher29!

Don't worry about his mother making him see the error of his ways. But it's good to know that she will be a willing grandmother and babysitter, and a support to you. Try not to talk about him.. too much, after all the bare facts have been aired.

you sound a bright, intelligent caring woman

your baby will think you are the best mummy in the world

congratulations, good luck and take all the help the family offers, a baby brings joy!

(am not pretending it wont be hard at times, but it will be the best hing you ever do ime)

Agree with Riven, the fact he couldn't even be there for you during such a traumatic time says he is a waste of space.

I have NO problem with a man,or woman, that honestly does not want children, that is their choice but I think it needs to be discussed fairly early on in a relationship so everyone knows where they're at.

To piss off and play cricket while you go through with an abortion is about as low as it can go. I would get rid regardless of if I kept the baby. He clearly doesn't think that much of you or he would have been at your side when you needed him most.

Oh and congratulations!!

OP, I know what it feels like for pregnancy to happen out of The Plan. I imagined I would go to uni, go to work, get married and then sit down and have a serious discussion when I was ready to become a mum. Not how things have worked out at all.

But having my son was the best decision I have ever made. He is my favourite "mistake".

FWIW, DP was not keen at all He wanted me to have an abortion. I refused. He is now a fantastic dad, and has been better to me since then as well. So if you are hoping he may come round, it is possible. Though personally he sounds like such a twonk there are not words for it.

Congratulations

Hi SirBoobAlot, did your partner walk away at first or did he stick by you? I nanny in an area where it's all yummy mummyvile - surrounded by people with young children in their late 30's - late 40's and doting fathers!

He stuck around - and as much as he says it wasn't an option to walk away, I know he did contemplate it many times, even if he didn't vocalise it. We both had issues at the beginning, and we have both utterly turned things around - the things that DP has done for the sake of DS are amazing, and I am truly in awe of him.

He's not perfect - and neither is our relationship. I still feel bitter occasionally about the fact he wanted me to terminate. But he is now a brilliant dad.

I made it very clear from the moment I found out that the choice wasn't "have a baby or not"; it was "I am having a baby - are you going to help me or not".

This is a very rambly message Apologies. There was a point I was trying to make about things changing, but I don't think I have made it very well!

do what is right for you - not him. If your mental health broke down again and so did your relationship, I doubt it could be fixed again tbh, and nor should it.

He knows what you went through before and is willing to put you through that again... no, is actually pushing you to go through it again - dump the loser.

Chamces are you're not going to stay with him anyway - so keep your baby IF you want to.

Congratulations! You seem to have made your decision. I discovered I was pg at 17, a week before my A level exams. Baby's dad was furious-even though I was on the pill he said that I planned it to ruin his life! he put horrendous pressure on me to abort, friends, family, you name it, he tried it. I had made my decision at the moment I got that positive result. My ex has never helped financially, even though we lived together for 4 years, but I am so proud I did this, looked after and loved my son with support from family. He's 20 now. Go with your heart. When I fell pg I had no money, a shit job and I was living with my GPs...termination material to most, but I have never regretted keeping him for a second, he is beautiful and a great human being. All the best x

Congratulations knasher!

I say go for it girl! You seem to really want this baby and if your DP really doesn't want to know, then it'll ONLY be his loss. You sound like a caring, capable person and I'm sure you'll do a fantastic job as a mother - with or without his help.....

You also seem to be very well equipped employment wise, should the worst does happen and your DP doesn't come around. For example, if you're nannying at the moment, a lot of families would be quite flexible about you bringing your child into their homes whilst you look after theirs - some may even actively encourage it as it might mean a lifelong friendship developing between the children! Also, as a qualified teacher, you might want to go back to teaching eventually once your child is old enough to start school - that way you could make a decent wage to live on and you and the kiddo would get all the school holidays together!!! Sounds like a plan!!!

Best of luck with whatever you decide to do though - don't let DP bully you into anything you don't want - he's done it once before and the repercussions were devastating. If he'd even consider putting you through all that again, then he's not worth having around. He made this baby too and if he can't step up to the plate then he'll have to live the rest of his life with himself, knowing what a weak man he really is.

All the best with everything.....x

I do think that the previous poster was spot on when she said "you may regret an abortion,but you will never regret a baby".I'm adding my congratulations too.My daughters are the best,best best things that have happened to me.
also many people start out in the "perfect" couple etc,but will be single mothers further down the line,others may start out from a tricky place,like you,but things will pan out unexpectedly and get a lot easier,life is uncertain,so just go with your heart and be as fearless as you can be.Babies are hard work but utterly worth it all.

KEEP YOUR BABY LOVE........you will never regret keeping your child........my friend was in exactly your position.....she kept her little girl and dumped the man........and she has never missed him!! In fact she is now with a far better guy.

Your man clearly has no balls + frankly how dare he expect you to get rid of your baby.

If he loved you, he would not put you through this hell again. And yes he should get a vasectomy, cos he's obviously a complete prick.

Get out......FAST AND MAY YOU HAVE A BEAUTIFUL HEALTHY CHILD. [SMILE]

And yes you will be a great Mom.

i truly wish you all the best....I know you can do it and when your little baby gives you that first tiny smile.....it will blow you away.............NOTHING IN THIS WORLD CAN COMPARE TO IT..........believe me...........be strong + keep your child, dump that twat once and for all NOW ! before he does you any more damage.......

Another congratulations from me! Men come and go, and you are right here, with your body, life and decisions. Don?t do another abortion, it might put you in a very deep emotional breakdown which is not worth it in opposite to an amazing chance to have a baby. You will not regret having a baby. You are not a child anymore, you will cope well. It will make your life worthwhile.
Just be strong with your bf, don?t negotiate your decision. Even if you separate (which is likely) he will have respect for you, that you were strong and kept the baby. Keep us posted x