Help request for a sad older child

[tanne]

I'm not sure that this is the best place to post but I need some help for a child (20 years old) at university. I've changed my name to post this but don't want to give too many specific details.

They are having trouble maintaining friendships (had similar problems at college which I thought just one of those things) and I want to help them sort things out over the long holiday.

I think that they are over confident and too ready to give an opinion so coming across as a boastful know all. Also rather too keen on speaking their mind and making judgments. They are partly aware of the problems particularly the lack of tact but tend to speak first and think later. Not really an uncaring person as they will help anyone but this is and will continue to cause them a lot of problems and sadness.

Has anybody any suggestions for a course perhaps(?) (London area). Books not so good as they are dyslexic which perhaps explains some of the above.

I would appreciate any suggestions.

aspergers maye? sorry can't type got two year old on lap.

Possibility as other family members are but they all behave themselves!

Not too bothered with a diagnosis at the moment. Think something practical to help is more important at this stage.

Does child have any particular interests as they could join some clubs at Uni that suit them then maybe they could make friends that way who will appreciate them for who they are. We live in a fickle society where people do not like to hear the truth, have a quiet chat about thinking about how he/she (your child) would feel if someone spoke first and didn't think and said something which he/she felt was hurtful, may help her/him to think first and screen what he/she says which is what we all do most of the time to make relationships work. If people could really hear all of our thoughts all the time we'd all be hermits!

How sad for you. I can't think off the top of my head but I will give thought. I don't have children that old.

Have they spoken to you about the problem or is it something you have detected? Are you able to talk freely about it with them?

If they are conscious of his over-enthusiasm in conversation, and you have a big family, is it possible to do what Sheep said and then bring it right out in the open, even practise?

Like, these are all people who love you, and we still love you , but in certain situations you can't say x y or z, or that was an odd reaction, or, you should have taken a breath before saying this.

Is it a situation where they would benefit from the advice to take a breath and count to five before speaking? There must be self-help books which you could read to find out about those sort of social techniques.

They might not be over confident, they might be underconfident, and this is their way of compensating.

If s/he's aware of what's making them unhappy, you could do worse than donate a copy of the ancient classic, "How to Win Friends and Influence People". It was written in the Fities, I think, so you have to skim over some guff about dinner jackets and How To Treat A Lady. But the reason it's never been out of print is because it's good advice!

There are some other book suggestions on the Amazon page linked above.

We are a close family and we do talk about everything. I had noticed that they were not their usual self in the telephone calls (they call almost every day. Today they said they had been left out of activities and I realized what was happening. They admitted what they had said to someone was perhaps a little too honest when I suggested that they would not like this remark being made to them.

Spoke to a sibling who thought a course might be an idea. It is so hard to change behaviour.

It's quite easy when you're only 20!

If a course looks like the way forward, try Assertiveness and/or NLP. Assertiveness is more down-to-earth; they could always move on to NLP if they discover an interest in the topic of human interactions.

backtotalkaboutthis

I think you may be right about lack of confidence.

As a child he ws very quiet and also a sibling with "issues" through necessity got all the attention.

They did recognise that they have a problem in the conversation today. I know that is the first step but not sure of the next one!

I do this and it really pisses everyone off. I have to fight with myself very hard every day not to put my foot in it or be too blunt with people. Over the years I am getting better with it. Self awareness is the biggest hurdle really I think.

I find that when my anxiety levels are high I get worse/am unable to stop my self... So for me it was time, hard work and lessons learnt from being outcast by various groups. It was a hard lesson to learn and I think only part of the problem can be solved unfortunatly. I may be wrong and hope someone else can help you more.

Poor lad. It's tough. I think most important next step is making sure he knows that whatever has happened has happened -- and it's not social death for ever, it's just one day, and that it's a new day tomorrow.

Also to make sure he doesn't "try even harder" to compensate, if you know what I mean. It sounds like "trying too hard" might be the thing that's letting him down a little.

Why are you referring to them, and they.
Is it a boy or girl?

I was that person at university and good on you for trying to help. To be honest the thing that really helped me was counselling specifically examining my relationships with people. I now absolutely cringe about some of the things I used to say to people. Unfortunately I still do have massive foot in mouth moments but my friends have learned about my "honesty tourettes" and I always apologise as soon as summat daft comes out of my mouth. And I worked hard on the nicer aspects of my personality- for example I am very generous and like to make people feel special by silly little presents etc.

Is this person capable of appreciating the value of being kind over being right in everyday situations?

I think some sort of club in university could be a channel for the desire to be right or the need to hear his/her own voice -- drama or debating? Both would also feed the need for attention that this kind of behaviour can sometimes indicate, but in a controlled setting.

whatname
Male but wanted to say as little as possible as eveyone in house has access to this computer and some are very nosy and adept at hunting out things.

NewLeaseofLife. I think that females (even ones such as myslef who are autistic) are quicker at picking up ways to behave. Agree that it is hard work. Also males seem to have a need for the "cocky" behaviour.

Thandeka Thank you for your encouraging post. I had wondered about counseling as I think that something is usually available at uni. He tries to be helpful but I noticed that the other students seem to value independence above co operation (ie cooking meals together or sharing shopping trips).

Does he come across as too needy of the time and attention of others as well as too free with opinions? Is there underlying anxiety that could be treated with CBT?

Hi, couple of uni-specific ideas

one is that university counselling services are free and students can self refer - this is an amazing resource, and well worth making use of if your child thinks it will be helpful

second is that I would recommend joining clubs that have scheduled activities two or three times a week. easier to build a social life round something that you can just turn up to rather than have to wait for an invite (and when you are doing something together, not just talking).

I spent most of my uni social life doing church/christian stuff. Obviously only a good idea if you are into that kind of thing, and as anything can have some difficulties, but did give me a structure to my social life

you are describing my friends 19 year old to a T, he has aspergers and dyspraxia and is very very similar. my son also has aspergers/dyslexia but has managed to make friends with similar interests to him - he is a computer nerd but quiet, so quite different to my friends boy.

my friends lad has made friends by going to specialist clubs, like medieval role play clubs and the likes., though he seems less bothered about friendships than my son.

is your son actually unhappy? some people with aspergers are quite happy with their own company in the main.

just to add - i think sometimes its harder on us parents.

in my sons case he wanted friends so badly so watching him struggle really hurt me. he was just too "uncool" for anyone to hang around with him at school, and spent the entirety of his school life alone and i found that very hard to handle because he was desperate for friendship.

college has been so different for him. people are more able to be individual so no one cares about his "label", he is friendly and sociable, so now has the friends he has always wanted. they are similar to him with similar interests, but he is happy.

my friends son on the other hand really isnt bothered about friendships at all. he is very happy to be alone, seems to prefer it.

if your son is happy then i think you may have to leave him to it. if not, then encourage him to join clubs etc where he will find like minded people, and maybe you will have to be his "coach" on how to interact and what upsets people.

longwayfromhome Thank you

vicarinatutu. Unfortunately he is unhappy. He is also the most "normal" of my boys so I know all the problems you describe. I just so hoped he would be OK.

I struggled all through school and although adult life has been a bit better I think if you are Aspergers/on autistic spectrum you may just have to come to terms with being lonely. Suppose all parents hope for something better for their children

There may be some kind of personality disorder happening.

This person might well benefit from a proper psych assessment, they can then offer the right sort of therapy or support.

tanne i dont think that is always the case.

problem is, as hard as it is for them, he may have to learn to modify some of his behaviours if he wants meaningful friendships. if he just wants company then the clubs at uni would be a good way to start.

i can understand why you are not bothered with a diagnosis, but with a diagnosis comes access to more specific help, and perhaps this would benefit him? have you talked to him about the way in which he can come across and why that might put people off getting to know him better? does he understand?
i am honest with my son, and sometimes its difficult, but he sometimes needs reminding, (with him its things like personal hygiene.)
try not to get too despondent. i think they just take far longer to learn what others just take for granted. you can help him, if he wants to be helped. he may need some very basic 'coaching' on social pleasantries etc.

Has he tried Nightline? Nightline is a Uni counselling service (a bit like Samaritains) I think all Unis have it.

They run a training course for potential "listeners" where they would teach your son, with strict rules, what to say when someone is upset and so on. They also give information such as the answer to where you can get a pizza at 2 am in the morning.

If he completed the course (twice a week for a few weeks) he would be on shifts 8 pm to 8 am if it's anything like my son's ones on about two evenings per term.

Possibly the training course would be very useful for him, even if he didn't end up volunteering.