Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

My marriage is over and DH wants to play no further part in the childrens lives

53 replies

LadyGaggia · 04/06/2010 06:51

Quick background. We've been married 10yrs, together for 16. We have two kids, ages 8 and 6.
We have no affection between ourselves, it has been tough for years but a fortnight ago when he refused to kiss me during sex I snapped and it has been like a light inside me has gone out.

We have talked about it at great length and yesterday I went to relate. We tried to get intimate a couple of days ago and I felt nothing, kissing him unmoved me and I felt awkward.

Anyway long story short, he feels he can't hang about for me to decide whether I can get the feelings back for him and we have decided to separate.
He tells me (and has posted on facebook) that he is going away and will not have any contact with the kids as he isn't strong enough to see me find another man who will replace him as the dad!
The kids adore him and I am now faced with breaking their hearts, or force him to stay with me and pretend my marriage isn't a sham.

What do I do?

OP posts:
Intergalactic · 04/06/2010 06:55

He is being a total twat. He's saying that about the kids to manipulate you - if he does choose not to see them after you split then that's HIS choice, it's not your responsibility. So sorry that this is happening to you and hopefully he will grow up and be reasonable for everyone's sake.

BudaisintheZONE · 04/06/2010 06:58

Completely emotional blackmail.

HE refused to kiss you during sex.

It would be hard to feel anything towards a man who was treating you as a sexual object.

How did the Relate session go? Would he go with you?

Cadders1 · 04/06/2010 07:01

What a horrible situation - so sorry for you. I would give him a bit of time to be honest - he is probably hurt and angry (even if he did know it was coming)and once things have become a bit more settled may change his mind. Just try and keep things amicable between you and keep the lines of communication open. Sorry I can't give any better advice, good luck.

tortoiseonthehalfshell · 04/06/2010 07:06

He posted on Facebook?

What a total utter twat.

mumblechum · 04/06/2010 07:07

Is there any way you can contact f/book and ask them todelete his post? Give them some waffle about the children/data protection.

Original poster
LadyGaggia · 04/06/2010 07:08

He didn't see the point in going with me, partly because he thinks he knows what they would say and partly because he thinks he would end up doing all the talking as usual and I wouldn't be able to be open up in his presence.
The councellor said I couldn't force him to keep a relationship with the kids, and that I had to accept his choice as being something out of my control - but it is killing me to think that they will suffer because of me.

I know he is hurting, but I feel like he is being cruel

OP posts:
ReneRusso · 04/06/2010 07:12

Couldn't you both go to relate and have a number of sessions and really give your marriage a chance?

BudaisintheZONE · 04/06/2010 07:13

Well if he can't be bothered to go to Relate to save his marriage and his relationship with his children what are you supposed to do?

ReneRusso · 04/06/2010 07:14

Sorry xpost

Original poster
LadyGaggia · 04/06/2010 07:14

I'm not too worried about facebook, he hasn't any friends - it's only family on there.
It just made it more final IYSWIM

I am hoping that he will come around.

The thing is, we have very little money, we are behind in the rent and he has said I can't use what is in the bank to pay the rent as he will need it to find somewhere else to live.
I need to call the council and the letting agent and let them know I guess

OP posts:
Original poster
LadyGaggia · 04/06/2010 07:16

He does see this as all my fault

OP posts:
tortoiseonthehalfshell · 04/06/2010 07:16

Gosh, so, let's get this straight:

He's the one choosing to move out
He's decided not to see his kids anymore
He's posted about this on Facebook
He's demanding that you get yourself and your children into further debt so that he gets what little money there is

And you think that what's happening is your fault?

fluffyhamster · 04/06/2010 07:17

LadyG - this is quite a personal post - did you mean to namechange? (Just thinking re your photos on your profile etc etc - it's a bit like pasting on Facebook..?)

Original poster
LadyGaggia · 04/06/2010 07:22

Oh I guess I wasn't thinking straight about posting here.
I didn't see how concealing who I am would matter, I don't think anyone knows me... I just wanted some unbiased advice
I'm running out of battery life, I'll come back later

OP posts:
wheresmypaddle · 04/06/2010 07:23

I agree with others who have said he is highly likely to change his mind about the children (and possibly you too). His actions are driven out of spite and haste and he will calm down in time.

You have done nothing wrong. Remember that and be kind to yourself.

LoveBeing34 · 04/06/2010 07:26

He sounds very controlling, I'm not one normally for suggesting this but has his behaviour been emotionly abusive?

Think you ned SGB.

mummytime · 04/06/2010 07:32

Don't let him take all the joint money. Pay off the debts with it before he clears the account. Rent is a joint debt.

Don't beat yourself up.

If he decides not contact the kids thats his fault. They could be a lot worse off having contact with some fathers, than losing contact. Don't let him lay a guilt trip on you.

I had no contact with my father after I was about 2. It caused me no harm.

I have known people caught between parents and damaged.

Good luck!

mummytime · 04/06/2010 07:33

Don't let him take all the joint money. Pay off the debts with it before he clears the account. Rent is a joint debt.

Don't beat yourself up.

If he decides not contact the kids thats his fault. They could be a lot worse off having contact with some fathers, than losing contact. Don't let him lay a guilt trip on you.

I had no contact with my father after I was about 2. It caused me no harm.

I have known people caught between parents and damaged.

Good luck!

Original poster
LadyGaggia · 04/06/2010 07:47

I think I have made my profile public now, please let me know if you can still see it.

Just checked the bank balance, he withdrew the funds 3 days ago
I'm still able to access the overdraft so will be paying rent with that.

I am angry now.

OP posts:
BudaisintheZONE · 04/06/2010 07:50

Can't see your profile now. What a bastard to take the money. I have no words.

BudaisintheZONE · 04/06/2010 07:51

Actually - where is he living? Has he actually moved out?

Original poster
LadyGaggia · 04/06/2010 07:56

Not gone yet, as he has nowhere to go.
He's in the kitchen. Will have to talk to him now

OP posts:
Librashavinganotherbiscuit · 04/06/2010 07:58

Erm even if he does change his mind do you honestly want him back? He sounds like a prize twat. You need to work out what you want to do.

BudaisintheZONE · 04/06/2010 07:58

He has taken the money out so that you can't pay the rent and he is still there?

TheArmadillo · 04/06/2010 08:00

Getting angry will be the best thing for you - it will give you energy at this stage and let you see what a complete and utter cunt he is being.

Take any money out of the account that you can and either open another account solely in your name and put it in there or hide it somewhere (though if he is still in the house there is a chance he will find it if you hide it there).

Can you get to the bank adn open a new account today?

Swipe left for the next trending thread