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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

My marriage is over and DH wants to play no further part in the childrens lives

53 replies

LadyGaggia · 04/06/2010 06:51

Quick background. We've been married 10yrs, together for 16. We have two kids, ages 8 and 6.
We have no affection between ourselves, it has been tough for years but a fortnight ago when he refused to kiss me during sex I snapped and it has been like a light inside me has gone out.

We have talked about it at great length and yesterday I went to relate. We tried to get intimate a couple of days ago and I felt nothing, kissing him unmoved me and I felt awkward.

Anyway long story short, he feels he can't hang about for me to decide whether I can get the feelings back for him and we have decided to separate.
He tells me (and has posted on facebook) that he is going away and will not have any contact with the kids as he isn't strong enough to see me find another man who will replace him as the dad!
The kids adore him and I am now faced with breaking their hearts, or force him to stay with me and pretend my marriage isn't a sham.

What do I do?

OP posts:
TheArmadillo · 04/06/2010 08:04

If you do open a new account (which I would strongly recommend) ask if they can send your post to another address - your parents or a good friend's so he does not know about it.

Hide important documents and make copies (libraries often do photocopying) so if he does find them then you have another copy of all the details anyway. Things like financial documents (details of any bank accounts he owns, savings, shares, pensions, debts) and also things like insurance documents, tenancy agreements, tax credits, benefits awards - so you know everything. Again if you can keep the copies at a relatives or friends house then that would be good.

Original poster
LadyGaggia · 04/06/2010 08:06

I have my own account. I was about to transfer funds and I worried that it might make him angry, but now I don't care.

Its all shite. I have to accept he will never be the type to have the kids at weekends or contribute financially.

Ahhhhhhhhhh

OP posts:
Ineedmorechocolatenow · 04/06/2010 08:08

So sorry you are going through this. I agree with everything TheArmadillo has said. You need to get moving on this quick, or he'll leave you with nothing.

cosysocks · 04/06/2010 08:21

LadyGaggia, have you thought about contacting tax credits, looking into housing benefits etc?
Sorry to hear he is being such a knob and others have said it he is emotionally blackmailing you by saying he is not going to see the kids.

Can't believe he has taken the money out the account and is still living in your house.

tortoiseonthehalfshell · 04/06/2010 08:25

Oh, he's a prize.

Stick with us, LadyG.

By the way, I can't see your profile anymore, but I did see it earlier, and can I just tell you that you and your children are ridiculously beautiful. I know that's totally beside the point right now, but it can't hurt to mention it!

lucky1979 · 04/06/2010 08:31

You need to keep records of everything. Screenshot the facebook page, note down conversations - you may need it all in the future.

weegiemum · 04/06/2010 08:44

Whether or not he chooses to see the dcs, he still has financial responsibility for them and will have to pay.

Whether he wants to or not.

Original poster
LadyGaggia · 04/06/2010 10:14

He has said that he will be unable to work, therefore not be able to contribute financially.

OP posts:
secunda · 04/06/2010 10:17

If he can't be arsed to see his children then he doesn't love them and doesn't deserve them.

sounds to me as though he is faking you out, tbh. Trying to make it seem impossible to leave him when it isnt

fawkeoff · 04/06/2010 10:26

He is emotionally blackmailing you into being with him!!!!!!!!!

If he wants to be a pathetic prick and take it out on the kids then there isnt much you can do im afraid, he will have to live with the knowlege that he abandoned his babies.......his fault not yours.

What do you do????? waste your years with a twat for the sake of dc.....what will your life be like when they leave home.

BudaisintheZONE · 04/06/2010 10:31

Why will he be unable to work? Does he work now?

Confusedsoul · 04/06/2010 10:35

Hi, I only have time for a very quick reply, but just wanted to say he is doing this to hurt and emotionally blackmail you. My ex did this when I left him, and sure enough for a good few months the contact between him and the children was minimal. But he realised that it was having no bearing on the relationship between me and him - that was long since dead in the water. It took a while but he did realise that he was hurting himself and the children by not having regular contact. 2 years down the line and the contact is regular, he's an idiot in many ways but he never lets the children down.

Confusedsoul · 04/06/2010 10:40

Just scanned the rest of the thread and thought I'd add - my ex also tried using money to control me. He cleared our joint account the day that I left and cancelled my credit card (it was an extra card on his account). Obviously he thought if I had no money I'd have to go back... His behaviour when I left and in the weeks/months afterwards were just nails in the coffin - he really showed me what sort of a person he was and that was not someone I wanted to be with.

Don't let your husband try and control you and hang on to your relationship by making these threats....

AprilMeadow · 04/06/2010 10:40

LadyG, what a sad situation you are in. None of this is your fault. He is the one that has decided to move out/not see the children etc. Personally it sounds like he is trying to blackmail you into staying with him. Making you feel bad for him not seeing the children.

I dont see how by you separating that he would be unable to work...

I think as hard as it will be you need to stand firm and let him do his thing. Yes it will be hard and yes the children will be sad, but the longer they dont see him the less bothered they will become.

You never know in a few months he will realise how daft he was to throw his toys out the pram and will come begging to see them. Just remember to not put him down in front of the children too much as you need to be seen as taking the high ground.

You have a great support system in the form of mn and people are here at all different times of day and night to offer advice and be your virtual shoulder to cry on.

I hope that things do work out for the best - whatever that may be x

noodlesnoods · 04/06/2010 10:51

Just want to say I know what you are going through because I am going through exactly the same at the moment.

My XP is refusing to see the kids, is drinking himself into a state and doing most likely all kind of drugs. And had a message this morning saying he tried to kill himself.

The sad thing is after a month and half of splitting up for reasons of just being in different places at different times. The kids have already stopped asking for him and DS 8. doesn't like the state his dad is in and is refusing to see him.

All I want to say is hang on in there, as like you feel gulity as the children have lost the person they know as their dad.

But it has to get easier in time x

Thinking of you x

tortoiseonthehalfshell · 04/06/2010 13:14

So he's going to move out, take all the available money, never see the children again and yet "be unable to work".

So he's going to turn into a 14 year old?

mamas12 · 04/06/2010 19:31

What a poor excuse for a man.
He should tell the children what he is planning to do not you and make sure you are there to correct him won't if he starts his fairy tales.

Also what confused soul says.

You will be better off.

FabIsGoingToGetFit · 04/06/2010 20:10

Help him pack.

You are not denying your kids a father, HE IS.

shimmerysilverglitter · 04/06/2010 20:21

Bollocks. I suspect that when he sees that this tactic is not working he will do a quick about face and start ranting about full custody of dc. In fact I will eat my hat with a blue cheese dressing if this is not the case.

He is trying to make you confront how "awful" life will be without his "manly" presence, no contact with dc and it's all YOUR fault wah, wah, wah!!!, no money blah, blah, blah. Classic controlling techniques.

Sorry but prepare for him to wheel out every trick in the book to get you "back in line". What a knob.

Look, being on benefits is not the greatest but you will manage and it is not the misery fest that you might imagine it to be. Keep posting here and stay strong.

Bumperlicious · 04/06/2010 20:30

No advice but just wanted to say I really feel for you. Using your children as a weapon like he is is the lowest of the low. You will be fine, it's just going to be a tough few months.

TheCrackFox · 04/06/2010 20:40

He sounds like a prize twat.

Has he always been controlling or is he just showing his true colours now that you are separating.

MrsDmamee · 04/06/2010 20:46

Some men just want to take the easy option and bury their heads in the sand and not take responsibilty for the fact the relationship failed.
The kids still need to be parented regardless. Bills still need to be paid too.

If he still says he doesnt want to see or help out financially then thats HIS choice.

You are not to blame for his actions/reactions.

Would you do the same in his shoes? leave kids and take all the money! i doubt it.

I went through the same with my ex, he did it all to force me to get back with him, but i didnt. He made my life a misery for at long time after we spilt.

Eventually i picked myself up and DS too, and we have a lovely settled life with my new DH a DS2 and DC3 on the way.

Original poster
LadyGaggia · 22/07/2010 23:00

Thank you to everyone who posted on my message. Things got better slightly afterwards and he talked, we did councelling together and I tried to live with him.

Unfortunately I felt nothing towards him, had no urge to be affectionate with him and sex was weird.

He did make tentative steps towards me, but I have to honestly say I was cold towards him.

Anyway, cutting a long story short, he has left again.
I have spoken to him on the phone and he is a broken man.
I am worried for him, but I can't go on with this farce either.

Not sure what to do, and now faced with a long summer holiday with no daddy and all the shite that comes with breaking up a family.

OP posts:
MyGoldenNotebook · 23/07/2010 15:09

By the sounds of it, nobody could have tried harder than you to make it work. Despite every good intention it hasn't, and you have to make the best of things now. I'm sorry your ex is 'broken' as you say - but you will become / remain broken if you do not do this for yourself. You deserve to be free and to at least take a chance at finding happiness. I'm reasonably sure he will be there for the children when he is ready, and if not, although it may be damaging they will cope.

For one reason or another, many of my friends have been left by their partners in the last year or so. Seemed life destroying for a few months but now they have all moved on and are settled despite financial difficulties (they are part time waitresses, teaching assistants and one unemployed) and many dark moments which are painful but normal.

Starting again requires great strength and you should be proud of yourself for attempting this. A lot of women will be reading this and secretly wishing that they could leave marriages that are now without affection. I tak it you are still quite young? Don't give up on yourself just yet :-)

enlighten · 23/07/2010 15:44

If he's still living with you try to get him to pay the rent arrears, delay leaving [as long as you're not in fear of violence from him]& save up enough for his departure.
The fact that he's still there could mean that either he withdrew the money in a bit of a panic then had second thoughts, or plans he'd made to go elsewhere fell through.
If the only thing that made him decide to go is that there's no love or mutual attraction left, surely he can delay leaving until there's enough money for both your needs, & meanwhile treat you with respect & not make use of you sexually.
I hope you can work out a reasonable solution for all of you.