When a man lets you down a bit..what to do?

[soblinkingmad]

Got myself emotionally involved with a man not emotionally available- he wasn't over his wife who has left him.

We started as friends- long distance by phone- then he moved the boundaries and became very hot. I resisted for a while but was gradually sucked in as we had lots in common and really clicked, as well as a shared history- knew him vaguely a long time back.

I really started to care for him, but knew all along he was not really free. He said lots of stuff implying he cared for me and how much I meant etc etc.

As soon as I started to respond in the way he was inviting me to, he backed off. Then blew hot, then backed off. Until he seems to have backed off altogether.

I feel hurt and that he used me as an ego boost. I really believed that he cared. I have kept a dignified silence and tried to keep the friendship ticking over as I do genuinely like him, and we did start as friends.

Not sure whether to have it out with him, let him know I am disappointed at his obvious change of behaviour, or just drift away and take the big hint he is giving.

Honestly, and speaking from experience, I don't think there's much point confronting him as he is unlikely to give you a satisfactory answer. I can almost guarantee though that the minute you switch off, he'll be back on again...

To be honest, I think he's going to be nothing but a headfuck, never a friend. I would back off completely.

Drift away. Do not confront, it will end up making you feel worse. And don't be tempted back.

We were friends for 2 years- and hours of talking. Big, big connection. Long distance so few meetings.
Cannot believe he supposedly cared so much- he said so- yet has now dropped me like a brick when I responded and wanted well, a bit more than what he was talking about all the time.
I also believe he is doing the same with other women. It was an emotional affair and I feel so sad.

I'm sorry... I've had this happen too. It hurts.

You really will be protecting yourself if you can let it go.

Belle I really, really, care for him. we talk 3 hours at a time and it felt so right. I believed him when he said he cared. We have mutual friends and contacts from 20 years back. I now feel so stupid as I effectively invited him to put his money where his mouth was and he got cold feet. He offered to stay as friends but isn't really following that through.

? Can I ask him to stay as friends or will it look pathetic?

tinier- why not confront? Help me understand?

Seriously, don't try to stay friends. It will only hurt you more.

If you want something with him then backing off is the best way to get it. You can then decide if you want it or not.

I honestly think that the best thing you could do would be to wait until he is more stable. He's probably having a very confusing time and, being kind, is enjoying being single again.

I truly, truly understand what you're going through. It bloody hurts like hell and any contact can feel better than nothing but it won't be. You'll end up doing the Facebook stalking thing and just hurting more.

Sorry...

Thanks Belle. I appreciate your kind words. I know he is hoping to get his wife back and suspect he feels he got in too deep with me on an emotional level and just wants to back out in case I feel he has made some kind of commitment. I am just finding it hard to ake that someone can say how much they care- he has said this- yet suddenly turns tail.

I do feel hurt as I genuinely care and would rather have friendship than nothing. But if he doesn't...can't go begging, can I? He has never actually ended it, just gone rather quiet.

I met a man who had split from his wife and young son... He and I dated a bit. I felt like I was "safe" in his arms (this is a big deal for me). He asked me to marry him. We moved in together. I gave everything emotionally and thought he was doing the same. He left me (in a flat I couldn't afford) about two momths later. He then started seeing someone else. Then someone else. He then made up with his wife and they have another child. He absolutely broke my heart; I had really believed him. I begged him to come back. I lay on the bed, watching him pack his thing, in silence with tears rolling down my face. I sobbed and sobbed for that man.

Please don't let this be you. Let him go. If it's to be, it will be.

This was a long, long time ago. I can't bear to tell you about my continued idiocy.

Pack his things... Although his "thing" was pretty impressive it didn't warrant its own suitcase

Really, I think if you confront him, I think it might end up getting spun round so that he makes out you are irrational etc. I really hope he is a better guy than that, I'm just voicing a bit of past experience.

Maybe write him a letter but don't send it, to get your feelings out.

Belle- I am so sorry. That must have been dreadful.

That sounds so much like this man! His wife has left him several times and he had a year long relationship with a woman and her young son whom he left, as he wanted his wife back. ( That was years ago.) He has then had various women around, but I thought it was different with me, as we started as friends. I kept it like that in my head for a long time, then something changed. He made me think he cared, he TOLD me how much he cared, when he didn't have to at all, and I am finding it hard to know why he has changed.

soblinkingmad sorry if this sounds harsh (I don't mean it to be) but you deserve better.

Don't try and talk to him/confront him about all of this.

I once had a relationship with similarities, and he really truly f**ked with my head. At the time I was "in love" and thought my world would end if I couldn't have him.

Once, in distress and desperation at something horrendous he had done, I rang the Samaritans. The lady was lovely, but not particularly good but one thing she said made me realise a bit more.

She just said "oh dear he doesn't sound as if he is very nice to you". I had obviously poured out my heart of all the ways he had hurt me, and then tried to explain why I still wanted him.

Sorry, this is waffly. Wishing you strength. x

Sorry, i think youve been an ago boost for him after his wife left. Why do you want to stay freinds with him ? Do your other freinds hurt you in this way ?

I said to a therapist once (oh I'm a joy!) "But he said he loved me. Why did he say it if it wasn't true?" Her response was "Maybe it was true in that moment."

That's the best explanation anyone can give you, I think. He may have meant the things he said when he said them but, as I'm sure you know, things/people/feelings change.

onepiece thanks so much . I am feeling very very down.

I am sorry you had to go through the same. It helps to know I am not alone.

Over 2 years I have made the most contact, I accept that- but he has always responded and been very very intense. At first he was very demanding and wanting to talk lots.

I am ashamed a bit to admit this but the talk bordered on phone sex, started by him. He is a very, very attractive man- highly intelligent, articulate and Alpha* male. I was caught up in it. We would also talk deeper stuff too- talked about everything.

He'd make me feel wonderful- but all by phone. When I tried to push for more- coffee, drink etc, occasionally ( due to distance)- he would be a bit non-committal. After our last meeting he has cooled considerably- and I think he is just running away from me as a real person, if that makes sense. Does it?

I suppose I'd rather he was honest about what has happened and how he is feeling.

But he won't be. He probably couldn't explain it even if he wanted to...

Really? He can talk the hind leg off a donkey.

Is it worth getting it off my chest and saying I think he's been a bastard and he should never have led em on and changed it from friends to something else, when it wasn't appropriate?

I feel he has led me a merry dance. Toyed with me, Dumped me once I was in too deep.

But then there is never any way back and no chance of keeping any contact ever.

I do "love " him.

Don't answer this if you don't want to. Have you been sexually involved as well as emotionally involved? In my case it was the combination of the two that really messed me up. This may not be relevant to you of course.

Emotional messing about with someone is really horrid and misunderstood by some people who have not had experience.

One day I kind of woke up to what he had done to me and I was very very with myself for a while. However it took a long time for me to reach this stage and he did a lot of damage to me.

I had a very traumatic childhood fwiw and very little self esteem so in some ways it wasn't surprising what I let this person get away with.

My dh now doesn't even know how to be manipulative emotionally. He is just so straightforward. (I say this not to be smug, but in an attempt to give you hope for the future)

oneWe did have what could be called intimate behaviour, once or twice, but I backed off the first time, as I knew he wasn't in the right place emotionally, then the 2nd time he started something and couldn't finish due I think to too much going on in his head. He refused to discuss it at the time and has since taken a very big step backwards with me. We have had very intimate talks.

But, is the only reason you want to tell him how you feel, etc, is because you're hoping that he'll tell you he loves you too?

I'd leave it, I really would.

As others have advised, for your own sanity try and leave it.

Try and surround yourself with rl family and friends. You don't necessarily have to tell them what the problem is, just have company round you and people that really do love you.

Belle- yes, I suppose I am looking for some reassurance that he might say we can go back to what we had before- before it all went a bit pear shaped.

I feel I have done nothing WRONG! I have been extremely supportive of him and he has said so often how much it all meant to him.

He is a mega flirt (online) and I suspect I was flavour of the month and now it's all change and he has another person on the go.