When a man lets you down a bit..what to do?

[soblinkingmad]

Got myself emotionally involved with a man not emotionally available- he wasn't over his wife who has left him.

We started as friends- long distance by phone- then he moved the boundaries and became very hot. I resisted for a while but was gradually sucked in as we had lots in common and really clicked, as well as a shared history- knew him vaguely a long time back.

I really started to care for him, but knew all along he was not really free. He said lots of stuff implying he cared for me and how much I meant etc etc.

As soon as I started to respond in the way he was inviting me to, he backed off. Then blew hot, then backed off. Until he seems to have backed off altogether.

I feel hurt and that he used me as an ego boost. I really believed that he cared. I have kept a dignified silence and tried to keep the friendship ticking over as I do genuinely like him, and we did start as friends.

Not sure whether to have it out with him, let him know I am disappointed at his obvious change of behaviour, or just drift away and take the big hint he is giving.

I'm sorry... It's a bloody awful feeling.

Belle tell me this is wrong.
I am not this kind of person really, but part of the situation with his wife who is on the other side of the world and may or may not be back ( been away ages) is that he "waits" for her to make up her mind, though she has kept him dangling for 3 years, and comes back now and then with their child so he has access.

She would never come back if she knew he had been looking at any other woman..crazy as that may sound.

I am feeling vindictive and know far more about him and what he has done in those 3 years than she does.
Sorry- but when you are hurting.

Soblinkingmad. I would say this to you. In the long term you will feel much better if you can look back and think that you managed to walk away with dignity intact and head high.

Don't participate in any more games with this man. Walk away, quietly cut off all contact. This (in the long term) will give you far more satisfaction. Honestly, I have been there. xx

Of course you feel vindictive, of course you feel angry and mixed up. But you can stop this now. Stay strong.

God, no. You know that's not going to make it work... Also, what if you're wrong and it brings her back like a shot?!

I have to go to bed now - one glass of wine and I'm sleepy as hell (honestly, pre-child I was always last in the bar).

I'm not advocating game playing but cutting all contact with him is much more likely to bring him to heel! And, if it doesn't, you retain your dignity, etc.

Thanks onepiece. I know you are right- it's just bloody hard. I felt he was a soul mate and he inferred the same.

Belle- you are right and I appreciate your advice. I contacted him today and asked if he fancied a chat - no reply yet. I will leave it.

He moulded himself into what you wanted him to be.

Men like this use women. They do so because they do not like them. He will just move on to his 'next one' and do the same to her.

Remove this notion of 'friendship' from your mind. It did not exist with this man. Leave him to his evil ways.

Hodie I appreciate your thoughts but he isn't the kind of man to be moulded by anyone. he knows exactly who he is and has a very strong, dominant personality if anything.

I think he likes attention, as we all do, and I think he likes to keep seeing if he is attractive- maybe deeply insecure at the bottom of it all.

He just got in too deep- my friend says he was looking for fun and I am not a "fun" woman- I am too loyal and caring.

Belle would it also be wrong to tell him I am sad?Rather than ask why he has changed?

Last time we met, he wanted to take things further but was keen to say he wasn't yet over his wife. He didn't seem to realise how this would upset me and destroy the mood. I was a bit cool, and he lost enthusiasm and got a bit annoyed. It was awful. But he left saying he would still want to be friends.
Now he has gone very quiet.

Look, walk away. You won't get closure from this knob and you certainly won't get him 'back' by clutching his trouserlegs and whining. If someone is not giving you what you want, when you have asked for it, then that person is NOT GOING TO GIVE YOU WHAT YOU WANT. Because s/he DOESN'T WANT TO.
That's all there is to it. And the only way to get over it is to walk away from the person. Whether you go down the wailing and begging route, or the bitter vengeful one, you make yourself look like a twat and a loser and the humiliation you will feel makes it harder to recover than if you walk off, head held high, and give the impression (till it becomes the truth) that you deserve better. Because you do.

He's not into you in real life he's just stringing you along and getting a buzz off someone wanting him. It's not a real life relationship walk away.

If he can't be honest with you then don't waste your time worying about how he feels. He obviously doesn't care enough about how you feel to make any difference.

There are other people out there who will give you what you need, walk away with you head held high.

soblinking I think you would be making yourself needlessly vulnerable to tell him how his behaviour has hurt you and maybe give him a bit of an ego boost too. If you want to tell him though then do. I don't see anything wrong with it other than letting him see how much he means to you.

In short, I wouldn't but I think you will! If you do, I hope he treats you with respect and consideration.

He's not likely to, though, Belle. Condescension would be the most likely treatment. This sounds very much like a bloke feeding his ego by patting desperate lonely women on the head online, and then prancing off going 'Eww! That's not what I meant!' when they start to take him seriously.
FWIW OP when someone lets you know that they have a history of messing up couple relationships, that person is telling you that s/he is not a desirable or indeed available longterm partner. It won't be different with you, because the problem is with that person, not whoever they are dating.

SGB - agreed. As usual

Oh, kick him into touch. You are worth more than this.

Like others suggest, I would just cut all contact. This has happened to me. I pretended, in the end, to be indifferent, to not care about him, though I did tell him that I thought it was extremely bad behaviour to blow hot and cold the way he had, and that he was lucky that I hadn't been badly hurt. With hindsight, it was pointless to tell him this. Reinforcing the idea that he had the power to hurt wouldn't stop him, and might even have encouraged him. It's a pattern of behaviour that they repeat.

FWIW, I think some people do this without realising it, to a point; I once believed myself to be in love with someone until the point at which he became available and then realised I didn't like him that much at all (perhaps because I then spent more time with him, though). It doesn't really sound like it's the case here, however. Really sorry for you. Don't look back. Don't be sad; don't give him the satisfaction of knowing he's upset you.

SGB Belle and Mo

I appreciate all your comments. You are all almost all right!

Though I suspect I am the one who has been kicked into touch!

I have tried throughout this thread not to reveal too much, in case by any chance he finds this site and reads.

He didn't find me on line so much as find me as an old school friend. There is an age gap so we didn't really know each other that well then.

We talked for 2 years on very deep and sensitive issues,with a couple of meetings, when he was keen to make it physical but I stalled mainly due to his history and emotional state.

We then continued this flirty not-quite-friends thing for ages. All along I knew he wanted his wife back- he wasn't unclear about that in any way. He is still supporting her in a house etc ,and the child, whilst she keeps him dangling, and won't divorce him. In the years she has been away he has had other relationships and quick flings, mainly when she decides not to come back. (Then she gives him hope again.)

I thought this was different with me, as it was friends to begin with- he wasn't looking for a "date".

When I decided I wanted to take it further, after his constant persuasion, and utterances of how much he did care for me, he backed off. When we met he spoke of how he loved his wife, but still wanted to press on with things with me.
Needless to say, it was hardly music to my ears. It went badly- he got cold feet half way through, got irritated with himself I think, and left early.

Since then I have initiated one phone call - 6 weeks after our meeting- which lasted 2 hours- to try to build a bridge back to being friends, which is what I wanted, as I do care about him. We didn't discuss the meeting.

Four weeks later I have emailed him asking if he'd like to chat- no response. This is out of the ordinary and I suppose it's his way of saying it's over and he doesn't even want me as a friend. That's what I find hard to accept. Normally he'd reply to an email within minutes or on the day.

Am I just supposed to get the hint and say no more?

Sounds to me like the whole 'wife' story is a complete fabrication.

I'm sorry but you don't hang around for years, dumping other women you may have started caring for just because she sends an email saying she's thinking of booking a flight home.

What the story allows him to do is:
1 - look sensitive - the hero of a love story who believes in true love.
2 - look like Mr. Honesty - "I told you all along I couldn't get over my wife."
3 - have 'intense', ego-fuelling encounters with women (definitely plural I would say as you suspect) without having to promise them anything.
4 - have a get out of jail free card when he's bored or another of his women starts to look more interesting.

Sounds like a player of the highest order. Even the way he contacted you is odd and a touch creepy - reminds me of the much older boys at school trying to get off with young girls. You just knew that they'd stand no chance with girls their own age and relied heavily on the hero worship, few more chin hairs, provisional drivers licence factor.

Sorry if I'm being too blunt but I'm trying to get you to see that when he sees fit to contact you again (which he may when bored) you need to avoid getting sucked in again. It's just more pain for you. You're supposed to feel great when you're with someone and get loads out of it.

DG maybe you are right.
He does want her back and she comes back regularly with child. They have been married 20 years but she has left him many times, and sometimes comes back, then goes off again.

She promised to come back for good a year ago, but then changed her mind...always down to child's schooling etc etc.

He is not older- I am older by quite a bit.

The only thing that I can say in his favour is that he can be his own worst critic- and that he is does not want to be a player and only wants a nice family life.....as a woman hearing that has an appeal if you believe it.

And as I said, we were never having a raging affair- it was friends with a bit more. He wanted to take it further as he said she might never be back, and I agreed.

Look where it's got me!

Ah you poor thing. It's so horrible isn't it?

Ok I take your point that you're the older one - but it was a good theory!

As for "he does not want to be a player and only wants a nice family life" I can only use a famous quote and say - well he would say that wouldn't he?

But no, you're right, nothing is ever black and white and perhaps he doesn't want to be behaving like and arsehole. Doesn't change the fact that he is though!

Take the advice of an earlier poster and surround yourself with friends and family who really love you. Plan lots of stuff to do and don't let yourself back out of it. As others have said, in the end, the pretence becomes the reality.

I would confront to say, 'It is no longer in my interest to be in contact with you. So please don't contact me anymore.'

Then that's it.

Block him, delete him and move on without another word.

You don't owe him anything.

OP, is there so little going on in your life that you are content to be a bit player in this man's ongoing drama that is entirely about himself?

SG no- it's not that at all but I take your point.

I think it's more I am a bit upset at discovering I am a bit-player when I thought I was a bit more than that!

I'll come to terms with it I'm sure, but when something has been building for a long time - and you felt you had a genuine friendship underneath all the banter, it's tough to face up to the fact that maybe you weren't as much a friend as you imagined- and that one meeting appears to have put the cybosh on it.

Sure you can understand that?

I am a good, loyal friend- and it started as friends. He always referred to me as a good, close friend and I hoped that would last.

You were a good, loyal friend. He was not because he used you.

So tell him, 'I was a good friend to you. You used me. So we are no longer friends. Or anything.'

Then block and delete as needed.

expat- yes, I know, and I really appreciate you fighting my corner for me on this, but I think I did my bit of using too. I got a lot out of it when it was going well- it's nice to be flattered and made to feel good, and enjoy someone's company. I think I just allowed my imagination to run a bit about how much I was cared for.