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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Is this just hopeless?

54 replies

thisisnogood · 01/06/2010 20:14

Hopeless and stupid situation. Got chatting to a guy online (God I know I know - so stupid). Fast forward 6 weeks and I know it is so stupid but I cannot stop thinking about him. The contact escalated from emails to chatting in real time online, texts and calls. We met up for a coffee - during the working day - nothing sordid and I just have the strangest sense that I have come home.

It is hopeless - I am married, he is married.

Never in my life has somebody else had this effect on me. I feel sick with ....well I suspect if I wasn't married and he wasn't married, I'd say love. I know that I need to stop this but I cannot bear the thought of never seeing him again. We have talked about how we keep things on a friendship basis and agreed that is the only way to stay in touch.

I haven't told my husband about him but I want to, in order to keep it above board. Strangely I suspect that they would get on.

Has anybody else made something like this work.

OP posts:

NewLeaseofLife · 01/06/2010 20:17

Your name says it all really doesnt it! Its not good, it wont work. End it now and try to make your marriage work. If you cant then end your marriage. Simple really.

Original poster

thisisnogood · 01/06/2010 20:21

Marriage in a state but I can't leave and I hope that in time we will get back on track. I am the breadwiner and DH has mental health issues and I need to see him through that.

OP posts:

coolpersephone · 01/06/2010 20:23

think about what you want..is it a friend or lover..if you want out of your marriage then get out or get dh permission to have open relationship

Original poster

thisisnogood · 01/06/2010 20:25

I do feel attracted to this person BUT it is more than anything a 'mind connection' if that makes any sense. I would be happy to keep this as a friendship if it meant I could remain in touch.

I have a daughter and I want to keep the family unit together.

OP posts:

NewLeaseofLife · 01/06/2010 20:27

I have mental health issues (maybe not so serious) I wouldnt have accepted that as a reason for my soon to be exh to cheat on me! You can leave, you certainly cant stay and risk ruining two marriages. You have feelings for this man that you shouldnt have. coolpersephone is very right.

Original poster

thisisnogood · 01/06/2010 20:30

But is this cheating if we can keep it on a friendship basis?

He is married but - sleeping separately, spearate lives other than where his kids are concerned. His wife accepts that their marriage is effectively over. They remain living in the same house and married for the sake of keeping up appearances. They are quite high profile in the community.

OP posts:

NewLeaseofLife · 01/06/2010 20:35

i assume you have heard this from her too???

It is called an emotional affair and if you feel the way you say you do (and I DO understand tht feeling) you wont be able to keep it 'innocent' He is making his intentions known by letting you in on the private sleeping arrangements between him and his wife. You are treading on dangerous ground but you dont need me to tell you tht, you already know otherwise you wouldnt have posted. it is doubtful that any one is going to say 'oh, go for it...' is it. I am sure that yu will just go ahead wit this 'friendship' anyway as if you feel this way it will be almost to much to bear not to but please go into it with a very clear mind as to what you aredoing.

coolpersephone · 01/06/2010 20:38

seems to me you feel stronger than a friendship[at least an "above board" one as you say]..so

either stay if you feel you have to in your marital home but tell dh relationship only for children
or,
if you feel dh can't cope without you[but he'd have to wouldn't he] have affair with om but don't tell dh

obviously second option morally wrong but don't know your circs fully

def don't kid yourself you can include dh in this relationship...not a good idea

Original poster

thisisnogood · 01/06/2010 20:46

No I haven't heard it from her. And I know that sounds terrible but I do trust him. And I'm not a silly girl, I'm a successful and highly qualified professional (not that that should matter) but in my line of work, I am trained to spot risk and interrogate situations.

I just feel like I cannot bear to not know him. I have never ever told anybody some of the things I have told him. The day we met for coffee, we both ended up crying these really weird happy tears that the connection was real.

I read this back and think...get a grip. But I can't explain it. I just cannot explain it.

He is not pushy and has just said that he just wants the friendship to last and last. He has said if I tell him to he will disappear for as long as I want him to, forever if need be if I think it is affecting my marriage.

OP posts:

HoopsAndBaby · 01/06/2010 20:51

I had this about 3 and 1/2 years ago and made it work, both of us were married but we did NOT have an affair, we separated first......but like you we talked and were completely smitten, I felt like I had found my soulmate.

We have been together for 3 years and have a son together and plan on getting married soon......follow your heart but you have to think of the consquences......his ex-wife, your ex-husband, it's not just your feelings it's everyone's too.

NewLeaseofLife · 01/06/2010 20:53

Well it is! Believe me I really get where you are coming from on the connection thing... I have that with this guy BUT he is married!!!!! I have backed off, rigt off. I mean OFF. ANd it really hurts but it is the RIGHT thing to do.
My ex told the woman he had an affiar with that we didnt have sex, that it was a loveless marriage, she believed him, she moved him in with her kids... SHe was wrong, he lied! We had great sex right up until the night before he left!
Dont kid yourself that you are staying with him for the sake of the kids, it doesnt work! Its because you are scared! Fine its ok to be scared.

FabIsGoingToGetFit · 01/06/2010 20:56

You have choices.

Tell your husband that you have met someone new and really like him and would he like to meet him too.

You tell your husband you have met someone new and that you really like him and it has given you a jolt and the realisation you need to get your marriage back on track.

You stop all contact with this man.

You start an affair.

You leave your husband.

Emotional affairs are crap. All that angst and upset and you don't even get a shag.

Don't do it.

NewLeaseofLife · 01/06/2010 20:58

lol and such true words from Fab

Original poster

thisisnogood · 01/06/2010 20:59

Oh god HoopsAndBaby - I do feel like I've found my soulmate. Do you mind me asking how old you are?

I have talked about divorce with my DH (prior to this) he just not in a place to contemplate it and I do love him and want to see him through this tough time. But the relationship has been unbearably sad for a couple of years (too many to go into here). I believe that when he is better we will probably separate but I want that to be in the right circumstances so that we have the best chance of staying friends and co parenting our darling daughter in the best way we can. Having said that I do want to try and keep the family unit together and will do my best to do that but in all honesty, every time I try to look to the future, I can't see us together.

I wouldn't have an affair while we're together but I do want to maintain this incredibly important friendship. And if years in the future, we are both single and we still felt the same, who knows. Life is long but that is not what I'm contamplating now.

OP posts:

FabIsGoingToGetFit · 01/06/2010 21:01

It isn't fair to stay in your marriage with it at the back of your mind you will be with this guy if you are both free at the same time.

NewLeaseofLife · 01/06/2010 21:04

Not really going t help his mental state of mind is it? People sense tis stuff, it will only add to any issues he has imo. Im signing off now as it appears you have made your mind up. Good luck.

soblinkingmad · 01/06/2010 21:05

I had this- have just posted about it- not exactly the same as he was separated geographically if not in his heart. The boundaries of friendship didn't last. He moved them, but then couldn't maintain that level of contact due to not being over his wife- and of course, me maybe not being quite what he wanted! Please be careful- he may change and youwill be gutted.

itsallballs · 01/06/2010 21:05

how would you feel if it was your husband doing this to you?

Original poster

thisisnogood · 01/06/2010 21:05

I know it's not fair to DH is it. But I don't know how to explain. I feel like I can't bear to drop all contact. Having said that I won't cross the line while I'm married. It is hopeless isn't it. It fucking hurts.

OP posts:

DuelingFanjo · 01/06/2010 21:07

"He is married but - sleeping separately, spearate lives other than where his kids are concerned. His wife accepts that their marriage is effectively over."

this is what he is telling you. You can't be sure it's true and you would be a fool to believe it IMO.

Original poster

thisisnogood · 01/06/2010 21:08

NewLeaseofLife - I do value what you've said here and I know you're right about DH sensing something. That's why I wondered if I could bring it into the open as a genuine friendship but it seems people don't think it's possible to do that.

OP posts:

HoopsAndBaby · 01/06/2010 21:09

thisisnogood I'm 31, I will tell you now, it was NOT easy, I was stalked by his ex-wife and still am (like I said we did NOT have an affair) she thinks I wreaked her marriage/home.........

The way we saw it was, if both our marriages were happy ones we would not have looked twice at each other, let alone, talked and made friends......

You only live once, this is not a practice for the next one, I made the right descision and we are happier than we have ever been, but not every one has a good experience like I did.......

FabIsGoingToGetFit · 01/06/2010 21:10

I have kind of been where you are but all our contact was on the phone/text/email as he lives miles away and we were lovers in the past. We tried to be friends but it never worked. We couldn't do it before either. Always wanting more. It isn't worth it. Just wake up and sort your life out without fucking your husband up.

Original poster

thisisnogood · 01/06/2010 21:11

I agree - I am taking his word for it. And I know if I was presented with these facts I would think "what a silly cow, she's being taken in" but I absolutely trust him. And I'm actually not trusting at all. I can't explain it. What a mess.

OP posts:

itsallballs · 01/06/2010 21:12

no...its not fair to him and deep down yu know this. If you carry on with this "important friendship" as you call it, you will cause a hell of a lot of pain. Unless you have been on the receiving end of this you cannot possibly understand.

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