Is this just hopeless?

[thisisnogood]

Hopeless and stupid situation. Got chatting to a guy online (God I know I know - so stupid). Fast forward 6 weeks and I know it is so stupid but I cannot stop thinking about him. The contact escalated from emails to chatting in real time online, texts and calls. We met up for a coffee - during the working day - nothing sordid and I just have the strangest sense that I have come home.

It is hopeless - I am married, he is married.

Never in my life has somebody else had this effect on me. I feel sick with ....well I suspect if I wasn't married and he wasn't married, I'd say love. I know that I need to stop this but I cannot bear the thought of never seeing him again. We have talked about how we keep things on a friendship basis and agreed that is the only way to stay in touch.

I haven't told my husband about him but I want to, in order to keep it above board. Strangely I suspect that they would get on.

Has anybody else made something like this work.

You will hurt yourself. I am in that place now adn he has backed off. Maybe instead of going cold turkey you can let it fizzle out?

6 weeks? You have chatted to the guy for 6 weeks? Met him once? You are going to end your marriage over this?

If 6 weeks ago you were considering ending your marriage and being a single mum then fair enough, end it and do that but don't make out you're doing your husband a favour by staying, how hurtful would that be to find out later down the line?

Imagine hearing that from him the next time you have a row? Oh I was going to leave you but I stayed because you had mental health issues even though I found my soulmate and want to grow old with him and not you? Imagine your daughter over hearing that conversation years down the line?

Now I'm ALL for leaving your dh if you are unhappy, my mum left my dad and it was the best thing that happened (and no he wasn't violent and nasty) but think seriously if you are wanting to do it for the right reasons.

If you do leave you should be on your own for a while before going into something else.

It's nice to be flattered and get that butterfly feeling but it's not as nice as knowing someone will be there for you no matter what is it?

What were you doing on line-were you looking for someone/something? if so,you should recognise the danger signs.

i am sure that 90% of women on here have been in sim situation before. Bloke shows you a bit of attention, you get that lovely exited feeling inside...and thats it, that should be the end of it.
How can you justify leaving your husband for some bloke, who is probably lying through his teeth about his marriage situation, for the sake of that nice warm glow we all get when someone pays us some attention?
You KNOW you are playing with fire...if you carry on you will get burnt. If you dont care about your husband anymore, at least think about how this will affect your daughter.

I will end it.

I really feel for you as I am in a similar sit. except he appears to have backed out- after 2 years so compare that to 6 weeks and you might know how I feel. This man is separated but mainly geographically- his heart is not free.

If you were online looking, then maybe you have to take notice of that and decide whether you need to act on your marriage- this might not work out with this man, but maybe it will give you the push to do something to make your marriage happier or end it?

I really feel for you soblinkingmad. I met him online but just chatting about music on a forum. Although perhaps I wouldn't have continued chatting if I wasn't unhappy - I'm no good at analysing. The thing is it isn't as though we have said that we will be anything more than friends. That's not true - he has said that he feels as though he loves me but he knows that is absurd as we don't know each other. There is something there but there is also a mutual understanding that we should be friends and not explore the other stuff. But having heard what peole say I think that I can't morally go on with it. Whatever he feels - I am completely smitten, completely. I don't feel like I can bear it now but worse things happen at sea and worse things have happened in my ife. I will work through it.

don't act just on advice from here trust your own instinct and judgement too ~ mumsnet is very pro marriage and anti affairs and I just think life is not that simple.
Thnk about what you want from this man,and be honest with yourself,your husband and your friend as much as possible.

coolpersiphone....you r obviously not married..if you were you would not possibly say that. And mumsnetters are nor just pro marriage all relationships r important...married or not.
You yourself are in the midst of a 'crush' with a married man who has no intention of leaving his wife...get real, this is so teenagerish. when you r married with kids, then you can think about how you would feel if someone was doing this to you.

coolpersephone - I can't trust my own instincts because I am all over the place. I have never had any time or respect for people who stray from their marriages and the commitment they have made. I took my vows very seriously (believe it or not!), so I feel that I have to stop but even saying that feels as though my heart will break. How insane!! All I feel that I want at the moment is to know him, even if that is just small pockets of time. It's comforting to just know he's out there living his life.

this is just a crush...no more no less. You feel flattered that another man is showing an interest in you. Have you even had sex with this other man?

No I haven't had sex with him. But - it does feel like much more than a crush. I work in a male environment and without sounding like a bit of a knob, I'm a young, slim quite pretty woman and I get a lot of male attention at work. I don't ask for that and I always remain professional but all I'm saying is that I have had people flirt with me, try to engage in email banter, try to keep me out for that extra drink after work events, 'approach' me and even downright proposition me or whatever before and occasionally these blokes have been attractive and charming. I have told them to get stuffed as I'm married. So what I'm saying is that I've not just had my head turned by a man taking an interest in me. And if anything the man in this case is probably less objectively good looking than DH and previous blokes I've gone out with BUT I am so drawn to him.

thisis- I know exactly how you are feeling. My 1st conversation by phone lasted 3 hours with that man and I felt I had met another human being who really understood me. It was incredible. I was bowled over. The following day I got an email saying how he had enjoyed it so much and how close he felt etc etc. Carried on like this for a long time.

I think you have to be honest- this is not a friendship and never can be. It is very hard to keep any relationship with a man platonic when you are attracted. It didn't work for me and I am now paying the price as he has backed off and I know he is even looking at other women- replacements for me.

It can only be platonic if you both want that and are happy for it to stay that way.
I wanted that and he moved the boundaries- I slapped him down but he came back and I couldn't keep slapping him down.

Although we rarely met, it was happening in our heads.

Unless you are both very very strong, orprepared to have an unhappy ending for one marriage, this is very dodgy ground.

I feel for you .x

I'm just saying that obviously this is not a friendship or innocent connection even now and op has to think what she wants because introducing her new "friend" to her dh is pie in the sky.

OP, 2 things in your posts stood out to me:

1. "Strangely I suspect they would get on"

1. "I do feel attracted to this person BUT it is more than anything a 'mind connection' if that makes any sense. I would be happy to keep this as a friendship if it meant I could remain in touch."

To me it seems that you are looking for whatever it was you had with your DH when you first got together. The fact you think your DH and this man would get on well suggests it's probably because you have a 'type'. Maybe the new man reminds you of what your DH was like before you got bogged down in domesticity and the strain that comes with mental health problems.

Do you feel you have lost your 'true' DH because of his MH issues? Do you avoid certain topics of conversation for fear of the effect it may have on him or to spare his feelings? Do you feel your marriage is no longer a true partnership and more of a parent/child relationship? Maybe you are trying to replace that support or feeling of partnership with someone very like your DH was before all this happened.

I could be talking crap but if any of this rings true, I suggest you call MIND and find out about getting some support and possibly counselling for your own situation, or I suspect you will do something drastic without really understanding why you feel so compelled. If you want to leave your marriage, please make sure you do it for the right reasons. You may find that you are simply overburdened at the moment and reaching out. By getting adequate real-life support, this other man may not seem anywhere near as attractive and you may cement your relationship with your DH.

Hope it works out for you, whatever happens.

OptimistS

The man is like my DH in temperament and looks like him (albeit ten years older).

And I do feel more like my DH's mother than anything else these days.

Oh dear step away from the PC! Is all I can say.
You do not want to end your marriage for something so bloody trivial.
You will lose your DH and nothing will come of this thing.
You have fallen into the "grass is greener" scenerio.
First think, how would YOU feel if YOUR DH did this to you?
Bloody heart broken?
How will your DH feel if you knew you had betrayed his trust like this?

This man probably is more interested in getting his leg over than getting into another relationship...remember he IS married, so you're also ruining someone else's life.

You have to stop this. Reconnect with your DH, go out, make love. Just stop going behind his back and talking to this internet guy.

I hope you do see sense. I feel for your DH I really do. And I can say that because I did what you did and nearly lost my DP.

I have thought about this a lot overnight and today. I am going to set some definite boundaries and remain friends. I am going to introduce him to DH and work on it that way. I have other male friends and I see that this doesn't need to be different. In bringing it out into the open it takes away any 'encounter' or romance away from it. We can occasionally see each other and speak but not in secret. Because it is the thought of being deceitful which causes the problems. I will swallow down the inappropriate feelings and work through it.

I have a male friend who I slept with when we were teenagers, we later went travelling together and are very very close.
My DH was our mutual friend, we're both now married with children.
We share an intimacy that you don't get with just friends, but have done nothing 'physical' in over a decade. I do fantasise about running off with him when me and DH are having a crap time, and I am aware that there is some 'emotional infidelity' involved in our relationship. I couldn't ever let him go, I couldn't ever bear to loose touch.

but dh and him are friends, I get on with his wife, we're not close but I see her often, it's all fine.

Just because you're married to someone doesn't mean they can or should give you everything you need emotionally. I think you're being very very wise by introducing him to your husband, then you have more chance of having this man in your life without it becoming sordid or hurtful to your respective partners.

That's just it, I just want him in my life in some way. And he has said over and over that he is really happy for it to remain platonic for ever if it means we can stay in touch. I do appreciate that it sounds bad to some but I do think that it is possible to do this without people getting hurt. It may feel bittersweet to me at first but I am level headed and can get beyond that. I'd be really happy to meet his wife and children and introduce them to my family. I don't want it to be sordid, I just want to know him.

Thisis..you sound like a very controlling person.

'I'd be really happy to meet his wife and children and introduce them to my family.'
I'm astonished that you would even contemplate such a thing. You have written that you are 'smitten' with this man. And yet you want to set up a situation in which you all play happy families. And then what? Can you not see that down the line if things got out of control this scenario would just make things worse?

Either end your marriage or decide that it's worth working at. To be flattered in such a way when there is stress at home is a form of drug relief. And you'll only want more of it as time progresses. There is no difference between mental health and bodily health - all take time to heal. And those afflicted need help from their partners. There are good times and bad times and you need to savour the good and ride out the bad.

But I don't want to sound judgemental as you're not a bad person. You're a good person who is contemplating doing something bad.

It's probably not hopeless. In general, provided you're not an ogre and reasonably young, it's usually possible to have sex with people this willing no matter what their marital status.

But it is foolish, hurtful, sill and quite frankly rather ridiculous.

just to clarify...what exactly is problem between you and husband? What\are his mental health issues?

DH has been diagnosed with an anxiet disorder and depression. This is a fairly recent diagnosis. Prior to this for the last 4 years he has not settled at a job and taken lots of time off sick, lied to me about the jobs, finances etc, hidden massively important financial information from me. Lied about the status of his job when we signed up for a mortgage. We have a little girl and the idea was that we both did a 4 day week. He stopped going to work so I had to go back to a full on full time position after mat leave and went back earlier than planned. We are struggling - I want to help him through the depression but I'm so angry at the deceit. I feel as I'm left to shoulder everything. I work long hours, I'm missing out on our DD and he sleeps all day - DD is in nursery while I'm at work.

oyur hubby is obviously depressed. He feels emasculated because he is not supporting his family...a vicious circle.
You r obvoiusly looking for a strong man to look after you, thats why you are so attracted to this other man.
You really want your 'old' husband back but depression can take long time to recover from...how patient are you?