what about the baby?

[Janet107]

Well, after moving house, surving my car being hit by a truck on the motorway and the baby news coming out to my lovers wife I am somehow still standing.
There is discussion of my lover and his wife bringing the child up together. They have so much more to offer it than I will ever have. I can barely manage financially with my two girls.
My mind changes from one day to the next. I cut contact with him for a week and as soon as I gave in we are right back to where we were. She drops him at my house and within the hour he is telling me that he loves me and things are getting physical.
I feel week and stupid for continuing to want him and feel like as long as we are able to be alone together this will never stop.
His wife and I have shared several emails, she has asked me if I want to be friends, if she can be involved with the pregnancy and offered to help with my girls or around the house if I will let her.
I don't understand, the only thing I know is that I hurt all the time. I don't know what to do for the best for this child. The last thing he said to me on the matter was that he felt it would be best for me to adopt it out becuase it would wreck my life.
Moving house was supposed to be my fresh start, to get back to work and make a better life for my girls.
He offers to help me out around the house and finding a new car but is very much moving on with his life. I don't know, maybe it's just a case of if he gets to continue to f**k me then great, now the wife knows he doesn't even have to lie about where he is as she is ok with him being here.
How can I fit another child into my already strained home? How do I give my child up and live with it?
I suggested they let me know what they decide and then we cut contact until the child is born. I need to get over the pain I feel and clear my head so I can make a rational decision. I don't know how but is that a selfish request?
Everyday is like waking up to a nightmare that goes on and on and I can't get my head straight.
Maybe this is what I deserve. I'm 15 weeks pregnant.

I am not going to judge you- what's happened has happened and now you need to step back, make decisions and move forward. Have you spoken to someone impartial such as your GP/ midwife who may be able to offer you support and counselling? Failing that, try the samaritans, they are so good, non-judgemental and can point you in the right direction. Hope you feel better soon.

If you are struggling to cope financially, remember that your lover will have to pay child support for his child if you keep him/her.

I talked a little to my midwife, she just hugged me and let me cry. She told me that they are all arseholes really, that made me smile. She is a very kind caring woman and is getting me information on adoption.
He wants to help financially now but I jus t feel like it will make me more dependant on him.
I wish I could swallow my pride and take what he has to offer, toughen up and get on with it.
He told me today that he doesn't think it is possible for us to have a platonic relationship, there are just too many feelings. He really wants to help but can't reconcile his feelings and doesn't know what to do either.
Maybe I need to do exactly that, toughen up? I used to be very good at toughening up and playing the hard bitch and getting on with it but now I find I'm just an emotional blah walking around in a daze incapable of making any decisions.
I thought that maybe counselling would be a good idea, My daughter just told me that she loves me and she loves our new baby too. I wish I could make it that easy for me too.

I don't know what the back story is here but I suspect this man and his wife are treating you badly because they consider themselves superior to you. Does the wife have fertility issues, by any chance? What immediately springs to mind is that you have been used as an unpaid surrogate that the man gets to fuck when he feels like it, as well.

who on earth drops their Dh at another womans house knowing they will have sex?!?

For the second time today I'm agreeing with SGB

I hope you feel some peace with the situation

do they have kids of their own? do they have a plan to get their hands on yours?

Good God, I thought I was being hugely melodramatic in thinking that they are a pair of psychopaths intent on getting a baby any which way they can!
I didn't post because I thought people would say I was being ridiculous.

Get away from them both, they sound poisonous in the extreme, completely and utterly abnormal, the wife in particular sounds barking mad, he just sounds like a complete bastard.

If you put the baby up for adoption, then he can apply for adoption. The local authority will become involved and he will be assessed for suitability.

If you feel as if you can't bring up this baby on your own, is there anyone else in your family who could do this?

I know what it's like to be in your boots. I am keeping the child.

They sound like a horrible couple. Keep your wits about you. It is a trying time.

no, she didn't think that we would have sex. She says we have a 'deep friendship' although I think she's being naive if she thinks it was going to just be over. I haven't been cruel or hurtful as I know she has been hurt alot over the past 3 years that we have been seeing each other.
I know the damage I have caused and I apologised to her and have honestly not said anything cruel or hurtful (even when i have felt like it).
She said she has not and will not ask him cut off contact with me however I feel she may be in denial about our relationship just a little. She also said she knows after 3 years there are intense feelings.
I'm sorry, I didn't mean we had sex, the first time she dropped him over it really was 'over' and when he tried to kiss me when he left i didn't allow it. The second time things did get a bit physical but I know eventually it will get back to sex and so does he.
I'm so sorry, so much of this is so intensely personal and I'm sorry if people are offended. I have beaten myself black and blue over this for so long, felt shame and guilt and suffered physically also.

She is 56 and has a son in his 30's to her first husband. They didn't even live together until after her son moved out. She said she desperately wanted a child with him and is hurt that it's not her but that she knew he didn't want children.
He and I talked about children alot.
She lent me her car as I live in the stix with a poor bus service and was very unwell with concussion for about 2 weeks as well as needing to get to supermarkets which aren't close.
I don't think he wants the baby himself, I think he wants her and me and the baby seperate. The last straw was when she emailed me and said she was really enjoying the emails and getting to know me. FFS I just couldn't get my head around it.

i was so releived when he finally told her about me and the baby, I told him he had to, I couldn't take it any more, all the shame I was feeling about my own baby, I couln't look people in the eye when going for scans and checkups i was so ashamed. She knew things had never ended but was surprised about the baby. I even felt better when I emailed her and apologised. It was like a huge weight was lifted from my shoulders.
She said she knows she should hate me but she can't, part of me is frightened that she is trying to get her hands on my baby.
That by inviting me into their lives she can somehow control the situation? I don't know.
I told him I found her emails difficult and he said to stop which I already had done. She shared alot about herself, really, alot.

Part of me wondered if he thinks that if his wife has the baby it will make up for the hurt he has caused. He didn't know she was desperate for a baby. When he said he didn't want one she just accepted it, as she often does. They both told me this.
I don't know, she has creeped me out with the please let me be involved, do you want to be friends thing.
The car was a huge gesture that I would have been stuffed without but why is this woman giving so much, offering so much?
Does she really think that our relationship is just going to be 'over' - just like that?

I know this is a fcking crazy situation and I would not dare degrade myself or insult any of you with a pathetic 'but I love him'.
It's not about love.
I don't know, I think he just wants his cake and eat it too. I was shocked when he started putting his arms around me, and I know I'm the loser for allowing it. I also know that I am intensely lonely and hormonal and won't make excuses.
At first I thought it would be a good idea for them to bring it up, it would have 2 parents and and extended family and money but now I'm not so sure.
He says she will cope and bottle it up and it will all come out eventually, she said to me this is pretty much what happens and that she can get violent. I was honest and said that didn't seem very healthy to me, the more she emailed me the more I didn't like what I was reading.
I'm sorry for all this horrible horrible stuff, I really need to get it off my chest and if it means copping some sht then so be it.
I got drunk last night, venting on here has got to be better than punishing my unborn baby.

I get the feeling she would jump at the chance to adopt it if I was willing.
I get the feeling he has used me to 'continue his line' as disgusting as that is.
I have no family, it's just me and my two girls. i don't have many friends, ok, maybe 2. My new homes is 50 miles from where I used to live so not alot of support however so far the move is definately the best thing to have happened.
Ok, in all honesty, there is no doubt in my mind that if I was willing he would happily stay married and continue his relationship with me and be very involved as a father.

I need to figure out how to move on which, if I keep the baby, ultimately means accepting that he is going to be part of my life forever and that they will share my babies life. Now, once again, how do get my head around it?
Hodie, where are you finding your strength? If you want to give me a kick up the arse, go right ahead. I'm passed being offended by anything life throws at me.

well, if it was me, I'd be dumping him, but telling him he can have access to his child, but never your body again. Tell him not come round until after the baby is born again. And you'll be expecting a decent amount of money each month.

I'd be telling her that although she's very kind, you don't want to be friends with her because of the history and you hope she understands.

And i'd be trying to get out of my tenancy/putting the house on the market and moving to near family and friends as you'll need them, and to be isolated with only a man who won't leave his wife for you isn't really someone you can rely on as support network.

But that's just me, I'm sure other people will have better suggestions on what you can do...

I think that you are being set up here. SGB is right, they want you as a surrogate.

What do you want? Do you want to keep the baby?

Don't give her the baby. (She's sometimes violent???????? !

You and your girls have more than enough love for the babe.

You have a new home, you will start to make friends and get a support network. Your midwife has already shown you that.

Don't be afraid to ask for all the help you can get. Legal advice maybe at CAB? Get Lover-boy's name on birthcert and legally responsible for financial support. He and his wife can even be involved in baby's life, but on your terms.

Am so sorry for you but sounds like you def need some distance between you and this odd couple.

Please do not let they prey on your vunerable side and take your baby. That decision has to be yours to make as rationally as possiblec( hard when pregnant and very hard after giving birth).

Wrap yourself around people who are neutral tonthis for support.

I told him it might be best if we cut off contact until it's born. His child support would actually be more than my ex-husband pays me for our two children. He would never deny me that and I know that if I was inclined to use him for cash, he would hand it over.

I moved house so I would be mortgage free and to clear off most of my debts from the divorce, which I did. This was also supposed to enable me to go back to work so that whatever I earned would be for us. My ex-husband lies about his income and pays some but very little child support.
I don't want to spend the rest of my life on benefits. I wondered about keeping the baby and asking him to help me financially to the degree that I could maybe get myself sorted in a permanent job and decent child care and could manage on my own. I think he might just say yes, and I'm not sure if it's my pride or a real fear of getting any more reliant that stops me.
I have no family in this country so that is not an option but I do know now that I have a fantastic and supportive midwife.
I also know that if I keep the baby he will have rights and that she will also be a part of that.
Yeah, the getting drunk and screaming and crying thing and nearly braining her ex she mentioned freaked me out a bit too, I can relate but myself but have grown up a bit since those days.
I'm finding it hard to bond with the baby, I keep hoping this will change, and some days I feel like I have accepted that it will be part of our lives and other days i think Oh God, no job no future no money no chance of a relationship sleepless nights sore nipples aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaargh

I don't want to be nasty to her, she has suffered through this relationship too but I feel frightened that she just wants to get to my family. In a way it's sad but it also frightens me. Not like the hand that rocked the cradle shit or anything but you know, do you know what I mean?

oh, I did email her back at one point and said (after the third request) that I didn't feel I was ready or in any state to meet up and that I needed time. I was in a right state at the time and not really thinking clearly.
It's strange, I feel a little bit intimidated by her and I don't know why? I'm not normally like that? Maybe it's hormones...
To answer someone elses comment about the two of them thinking they are in some way superior to me, they are both extremely well educated and have very very good jobs so if that makes them superior to me then I guess so. He has never made me 'feel' that way though.

Thing is, you only ever know what someone tells you and you never know if what they tell you is honest, that comes from trust and looking at this mess, where is that??
HAve I been used? I wonder too

Hodie I would really like to talk to you, to hear how you are coping.

This sounds a dreadful and weird situation. You don't know what kind of mother she would be, in this kind of weird situation she might end up seeing the baby as a reminder of her husband's unfaithfulness and treating him/her badly. He doesn't seem to know if he wants this child at all. So you'd be leaving your baby to someone who might resent him/her (and sounds totally mental) and someone who didn't want him/her in the first place.

Without knowing anything else about you I can't say what to do, but don't ever feel pressured into doing ANYTHING you are not 100% sure about. Tell both him and her to back off until you are ready to speak to them again.

Good luck with what you decide!

Actually - just saw this

"He says she will cope and bottle it up and it will all come out eventually, she said to me this is pretty much what happens and that she can get violent. I was honest and said that didn't seem very healthy to me, the more she emailed me the more I didn't like what I was reading"

This is not a woman you want around your child. What happens if she snaps and your child is in the line of fire?

I am actually in the Wife's position ... in that I am a step Mum to a child conceived as a result of my husband sleeping with another woman ... I am in no means like the Wife to the extent that I packed my husband off to the other woman's house and tried to become "friends" with her. She does sound odd in that respect Maybe she is in denial or maybe she is doing all she can to keep her husband.

If you do not want to give the baby up for adoption, do not do it and make it clear to them.

It sounds like the two of you cannot be in the same place without temptation getting the better of you so it sounds like it would be best if you committed to no contact with him until the baby is born. You can keep him up to date with information via email.

You're right, he sounds like he wants his cake and to eat it, and you are letting him. Please, stop it now, for your child's sake. It will be bad enough knowing they were conceived through an affair and not a loving stable relationship without being born into an ongoing affair.

When the baby is here, sort out child support and when the baby is little, organise contact so that it is little and often and preferably with a third party present.

Unfortunately, if he stays with his wife, then she may well be involved in the child's life and it's a little late to say it ... but if you were concerned about someone you don't know having such a role in your child's life then you shouldn't have put yourself in this situation

Not all of us are psychos who treat the child awfully because of resentment. My step daughter is treated just like my children.

Sorry that might not be much help. Good luck.

yep. I'm starting to think that maybe I'm not all the bad person/mother I thought I could/would be.
My guilt has really done my head in and I don't think it has helped me to think clearly. Part of me didn't think I even deserved this, that it should have been her. At the end of the day, if he wanted it and she wanted it then it would have been. If she wanted it and he didn't she had the choice to leave. I can't make it all bettter for them as a couple or as individuals.
Moment of clarity.
A child is a blessing, that is how I used to feel, a huge massive gift. I have felt nothing but hideous and hurt and frightened since I found out. God damn it I want feel good about my baby and about myself. It's like not liking her and accepting her is me just being resentful and bitchy but now I'm not sure.

Thanks for letting me get this all off my chest.

Jeez H, on the basis of what to me seems like a very rambling, odd post, from someone who has been shagging a married man for 3 yrs and what accidentally got pregnant (hmmm how very convenient, didnt quite work out as planned though??), we have tarred and feathered the W in this frankly horrid situation!

Sorry but how the hell did you think it was going to end, with you and him running away to play happy families
The poor W sounds like she has gone off the rails and TBH who can blame her, the H sounds like a vile piece of shit, and honestly you sound completely in denial at your part in this whole mess...grow up springs to mind!

I never even considered this would ever happen. I went with him to have sperm tests done and the chances of pregnancy were very very slim.
He is staying with her, that is nothing to do with me, i don't want to be part of it anymmore and thank you sfc80 for your side of things.
I don't understand her, but then I don't understand him either.
I want a life of my own, with someone who loves me and wants to be with me - period.
that was the thinking behind the adoption, to move on, I'm concerned that I will never move on otherwise.
I didn't want to take the life of a child because I made a foolish mistake which is why I didn't have a termination. I didn't think I deserved any consideration after the damage I had caused.
No more punishing myself. I feel so sad for this poor kid.
Picking myself up again.

yeah, I think I am seriously struggling to come to terms with this mess that I have caused
No I didn't think we would ever 'run off together', ever. I knew, and I told her, that I knew she would never do anything other than love him and stand by him.
I have slowly just fallen apart bit by bit.
I don't deny that I am weak and it disgusts me that I have become this pathetic person.
That's why I thought giving these people the baby would maybe, somehow make something right. if that makes me immature then, so be it.
I can't make any of this better or right I'm just trying to get myself together so I can start thinking clearly and find a way to live with what I've done. I don't know how to, that's why I'm here pouring my heart out onto my keyboard.
and it still freaks me out that she would want to be friends with me and help me through this, immature or not.

I feel sorry for the wife here. Who knows what her husband has told her about you. To me it sounds as though she is desperate to do whatever it takes to hold onto her husband. She must be devaststed and probably hasn't yet got her head around it all yet. Not only have you been having an affair with her husband, but you are having his baby - something she clearly wanted but he refused her the chance. How must the poor woman be feeling knowing that he would not have a child with her, but is having one with you? And actually, your comment that she could have left if she was so deperate for a baby,is rather callous. Clearly she loves her husband ( though why, after all this, escapes me) and you and other posters calling her mental etc, is very unkind. She obviously realises that the baby will be a part of her husband's life and therefore hers and is trying to make things as easy for you as possible. Deriding her for whatever has happened between her and her ex is uncalled for. You don't know what went on there and having read many threads on here from women whose marriages have been ruined by affairs, sometimes they lose it. Anger is part of grief and people go through that when a relationship breaks down. I am not sure I would be so accommodating towards a woman who had a three year affair with my Dh and then went on to have his baby!