what about the baby?

[Janet107]

Well, after moving house, surving my car being hit by a truck on the motorway and the baby news coming out to my lovers wife I am somehow still standing.
There is discussion of my lover and his wife bringing the child up together. They have so much more to offer it than I will ever have. I can barely manage financially with my two girls.
My mind changes from one day to the next. I cut contact with him for a week and as soon as I gave in we are right back to where we were. She drops him at my house and within the hour he is telling me that he loves me and things are getting physical.
I feel week and stupid for continuing to want him and feel like as long as we are able to be alone together this will never stop.
His wife and I have shared several emails, she has asked me if I want to be friends, if she can be involved with the pregnancy and offered to help with my girls or around the house if I will let her.
I don't understand, the only thing I know is that I hurt all the time. I don't know what to do for the best for this child. The last thing he said to me on the matter was that he felt it would be best for me to adopt it out becuase it would wreck my life.
Moving house was supposed to be my fresh start, to get back to work and make a better life for my girls.
He offers to help me out around the house and finding a new car but is very much moving on with his life. I don't know, maybe it's just a case of if he gets to continue to f**k me then great, now the wife knows he doesn't even have to lie about where he is as she is ok with him being here.
How can I fit another child into my already strained home? How do I give my child up and live with it?
I suggested they let me know what they decide and then we cut contact until the child is born. I need to get over the pain I feel and clear my head so I can make a rational decision. I don't know how but is that a selfish request?
Everyday is like waking up to a nightmare that goes on and on and I can't get my head straight.
Maybe this is what I deserve. I'm 15 weeks pregnant.

Why would you give your baby to a man who has very little integrity and a woman who is clearly damaged emotionally? The one thing you do have is a family who love you and if you want to make this work you can.

You need to stop feeling guilty and harping on about old mistakes... guilt is getting you nowhere and is only affecting you and making everything more confusing. End any contact with this man other than telling him that you will let him know the baby is born and require his financial support.

The situation with his wife and you is completely untenable and her way of coping is again not helping either her or you. You have evidence in writing (should you ever need it) that she should not have access to your baby so stop worrying that they will somehow be better parents/take it away from you even. Tell her if you really want to that this situation is very unhealthy for you and you won't be in contact.

You need to get a grip now and look after yourself for the sake of your unborn children. Seriously, stop all the I'm so shit poor me, and accept the mistakes you've made and move on.

I know she loves him, and I know they will stay together. She doesn't need to hang on to him, she has him and that has not and will not change. I knew it before and I still know it now.
I did not say she was 'mental' nor would I. As I have already said and as I told her, I know she would be a part of this childs life if I kept it and I would be a fool to think otherwise (I have been foolish but I don't think I'm a fool).
I also told her she has every right to an opinion about what happens in this situation even though she didn't feel she had. She, as does everyone (and I said this too) has a right to her feelings and to have them heard.
Telling me all the personal stuff about her ex husband freaked the hell out of me, it was just tooo much. Sad thing is that it wasn't until I got these emails that I had doubts about giving them the baby. No, I wasn't enjoying it, and I couldn't understand how she could be.
I asked her to please talk to him about all this. To tell HIM how she felt.
I know I have hurt this woman in a way that no-one deserves to be hurt.

I agree with the previous poster before me, but ultimately this is not about how badly you feel about his wife and the guilt you should feel (which no doubt you must do) but the fact you should sever all contact for EVERYONES good and move on with your life. No good can come of maintaining a relationship with this man or his wife. He needs to reconcile his marriage, and you need to consider your responsibility to your child right now as an ultimate priority. Berating rights and wrongs and who is at fault and most damaged is not helping. This is an awful situation and one you need to extricate yourself from. please don't say I can't I love him... you are a mother and you need to put your little ones first.

x-post...

yes the wife telling you personal stuff is a bit odd, but her way of coping with you and bringing the "enemy" closer I suppose. Her ex is nothing to do with you whatever the situation and you're right you need to let them resolve their marriage or not.

Please please just get away from them and give yourself the space you need to sort your life out. She will never have a say over your child, and nor will he if you don't wish it. I'm sure you can arrange to have contact but not before you are ready and your life has moved on enough to not allow his emotional manipulation to take hold and convince you otherwise.

You absolutely can do this.

You know you are right honeymoo, this is getting me know where and I do need to get a grip. This shitting all over myself is no good and it has to stop.
kick up the arse appreciated, nothing I do or say is ever going to make it better.
I told her over a week ago to vent if she wanted to but I would not be in contact.
It's not healthy for me and I need to make more of an effort to be healthy for this kid and my girls.
Whether I want to or not, I have to accept it and get on with it.
I said it, now I need to do it.

That's not necessarily true honeymoo. The child is as much his as the OP's and he will have a say if he wants, even if the OP doesn't. All he has to do is go to court and they WILL give him access unless the OP can prove he is a risk to the child.

Yes, it will be with the OP's input, but I think it's incorrect to say he will have no say over his child if the OP doesn't wish it.

You make alot of sense honeymoo. I know I've fucked up

OK fair enough, child law is not my strong point. But surely the point is that they have to agree access? And if I was the OP I would not want my child in the presence of a woman who has a emotionally damaged and violent history. That's all I mean. To my mind, he has to build trust with the OP first.

Janet good luck with it, you're not going to have an easy time and I suspect neither he nor the wife are likely to make things a great deal easier.

But if you set your boundaries and rules now and communicate them, it will help. Ask your midwife to help you with any suggestions in meeting likeminded people in the local community. Meeting other mums and distracting yourself by any means is what you need and will give you confidence back.

I've got to go to bed now (4 months preggers myself and knackered!) but we're here when you need us.

Not really. It's a little late to expect the father of your child to build your trust AFTER the conception as he only has to go to court to gain his rights.

I think it's a little unfair to call the wife "emotionally damaged" too. Yes she sounds very confused and upset judging by her behaviour after the revelation... but then perhaps the father should be threatening to gain sole custody of the child because the OP sounds rather emotionally damaged by this episode too.

I'm confused about the violence bit though. What exactly did the wife say OP?

Can I ask you why you went for sperm tests with him?

I was just about to ask that but wondered if it was even real.

Chochobnob not really up for major debate here as not really helping OP, but all I meant is:

a) he is an arsehole who doesn't deserve trust from either woman

b) OP is definitely emotionally "damaged" (maybe slightly unhelpful term ok) - anyone would be after all that

c) so is his wife, and completely undeserved, but also sounds like she has had a very shit time before her current marriage and some instability there too. I'm not trying to pass judgement on the poor woman!

Who knows what the real tale is, but it's true that the OP hanging around to find out, isn't helping anyone.

I'm sure the husband has legal recourse to his child, but the OP does too and they will ultimately need to find a way forwards that suits everyone and is healthy for their child

Personally I would cut contact with both of them until the baby is born. They are stressing you out and it is not good for you the baby or your girls.
Who brings this baby up is your choice, if all the talk of them adopting it is upsetting you then you aren't ready to let them. He can have contact with the baby but on your terms. I would be very suspicious of their motives.

Try and keep some distance and focus on yourself and your girls

Is it any surprise she or myself are emotionally damaged after all of this? I don't think it was meant as an insult.
As for trust, I don't think there is any trust other than that he trusts that the two women in his life are not going to hurt each other any more than either of us are already hurting.
honeymoo I hope to god their aren't too many like minded women out there in my position, I spoke briefly with the school about volunteer work there, there have been so many good aspects of my move, even if I am isolated and now that hormones have settled and life is calming down it is time to get real and get on with it, somehow.
I know he has rights as a parent, I am fully aware of that and I would NOT try to take that right away from him.
She said alot of stuff, more than I could handle or wanted or needed to know, some of it really unnerved me. Not for my sake, she said she was not the kind of person to meet up with me to 'have a go' and I believed her but frankly in my position I deserve all the shit she has to throw my way and to take it on the chin.
I have to go to bed too, my head hurts.

sperm test:
He said he would find it more difficult if we got together and I decided I wanted a child than if I didn't and did i or didn't I.
I said that at that moment I wasn't sure how I felt, I couldnt' promise that I would rule out wanting another child in the future. He said he wasn't sure he even could, I sugessted finding out because if he was unable to then at least we knew what we were dealing with and could make decisions accordingly instead of guessing. I explained to him that it was impoortant to me to know where I stood in that regard. I didn't want to guess, I wanted to know, he agreed and we went.
I'm not sure anymore why he went ahead with the tests and if it was anything to do with my feelings.
There isn't much I understand but I do know that distance isn't a bad idea, the week I spent ignoring him made it easier for me, he asked me not to do it again but I just needed to breathe.
Silence is when it's all just too much and I'm in overload, but space really is important. Seeing my girls happy about the baby made me happy about it for the first time, I can't shut him out of his childs life but I can shut him out of mine.
Thanks and I am sorry if I have offended people

You and your mm went for sperm tests to see if he could have a baby. You got pregnant , now your considering them adopting it but the wifes insane and she drops him off at your house. Why did you bother getting pregnant then ?

Either all three of you are insane or this is a bad wind up.

I think the OP is a pretty vulnerable and naive person who is being quite ruthlessly exploited (as an unpaid, unconsenting surrogate) by this couple, from both the information given in the posts and the tone of them.
Janet, cut contact with them and ask your MW/GP for some help in sorting yourself out. Just because these people are better educated and wealthier than you does not mean they are entitled to tell you what to do.

oh well over and over I have seen the OW adviced to cut contact, but they never do, IMO its still about "winning"!

Poor child is all I can say

my mum? as far as I am aware my mum doesn't and never has produced sperm.

I don't see what winning has to do with any of this. I made a mistake and now I'm dealing with the consequences.

I have decided to email them both together so there is no misunderstanding or secrets and explain how I'm feeling and that once the car thing is sorted out (hopefully before the end of the weekend) I want to have no contact with them.

I have thought long and hard about them being at my 20 weeks scan and I know that it will just upset me so no, again I will explain this and that it's not about hurting them or stopping them being involved. I just need space.

My midwife gave me her mobile number and I have called her, she is arranging for me to meet the health visitor. I'm going to try and sort something out for the summer holidays too so we are not all sat in the house.

I think the reason this is all still so raw is becuase there is still contact, although only twice in the last few weeks, it causes me too much pain and for my own peace of mind it has to stop.
There are jobs that need doing around here, I can't rely on him, even if it's the cheaper, easier option, I just can't.
Maybe in a few months if I can get myself happier and stronger I will feel differently and be able to face them both but for now something has to change before I explode.
I CAN paint and put up a toilet roll holder myself.

MM is married man, not Mum.

I agree with SolidGoldBrass there is something very very very fishy about a married man willingly heading off for sperm tests with his lover. Even if he was thinking of leaving his wife that is dead weird. Whatever his motives are or were you don't need to be part of that plan. How old is this guy and you if you don't mind me asking?

Also, you need to tell him definitively it is over and he does not get to decide when he sees you again. His comment about the week off is worrying. Forget how he feels - he's the one tucked up at home with his poor wife! Like I said, you set the boundaries and literally do not see him even when you feel low. It WILL get easier than it feels now.

You haven't offended me anyway. You came here asking for advice and you're getting some opinions. Don't be the cliche that macdoodle talks about. Yes you've made some pretty bad errors of judgement to date but what you do now is the important thing.

hey op - big hugs what a nightmare!

don't feel you have to give up the baby :-( if you think practically ok so the baby will delay your plans but only for a couple of years (unsure as to how pregnant you are). you will get back to work and you could plan to do that when the baby is 1. child suport he will have to give you will keep you afloat until then. get him on the birth cert definitely. you cna insist on supervised contact and if it gets to that there are things you can do to stop the wife accessing the child, especially if she has a history of violence.

i reckon it might be worth finding a solicitor who specialises in family law. lots of practices will offer 30 minutes of free advice - ask about section 8, prohibitive steps orders. . might put your mind at rest.

Ive never read such a miserable saga. They are taking you for a ride and it makes very distressing reading so it must be awful living it. The sperm thing and his reasons have really thrown me. I take it you mustve been trying for a baby then? It was planned planned for some reason, which is why he wanted to check he wasnt firing blanks. Its all very sick in my opinion. Your health visitor is the way to go. I hope your other children are been protected in this mess.