what about the baby?

[Janet107]

Well, after moving house, surving my car being hit by a truck on the motorway and the baby news coming out to my lovers wife I am somehow still standing.
There is discussion of my lover and his wife bringing the child up together. They have so much more to offer it than I will ever have. I can barely manage financially with my two girls.
My mind changes from one day to the next. I cut contact with him for a week and as soon as I gave in we are right back to where we were. She drops him at my house and within the hour he is telling me that he loves me and things are getting physical.
I feel week and stupid for continuing to want him and feel like as long as we are able to be alone together this will never stop.
His wife and I have shared several emails, she has asked me if I want to be friends, if she can be involved with the pregnancy and offered to help with my girls or around the house if I will let her.
I don't understand, the only thing I know is that I hurt all the time. I don't know what to do for the best for this child. The last thing he said to me on the matter was that he felt it would be best for me to adopt it out becuase it would wreck my life.
Moving house was supposed to be my fresh start, to get back to work and make a better life for my girls.
He offers to help me out around the house and finding a new car but is very much moving on with his life. I don't know, maybe it's just a case of if he gets to continue to f**k me then great, now the wife knows he doesn't even have to lie about where he is as she is ok with him being here.
How can I fit another child into my already strained home? How do I give my child up and live with it?
I suggested they let me know what they decide and then we cut contact until the child is born. I need to get over the pain I feel and clear my head so I can make a rational decision. I don't know how but is that a selfish request?
Everyday is like waking up to a nightmare that goes on and on and I can't get my head straight.
Maybe this is what I deserve. I'm 15 weeks pregnant.

well, I just had a text to say that they have discussed it in depth and decided that they won't have the baby.
Conspiracy theories put to rest, they are not psycho child nabbers. She would but he does not want to, he feels they are too old. By the time the child was 17 he would be 60 and she 73 and he doesn't want that.
I think I understand. He went on to say (by text) that he feels the child should have a father and it would be wrong to just walk away from his resposnibilities. However, he knows this involves both my wishes and feelings and those of his wife as it does and will affect all of us.
I worry that he will use the baby to stay involved with me but i guess I have to stop that, not allow it to happen. I didn't think I could but that's just bullshit, I have to do it for my sanity.
I can't continue to be involved with him. As crap as it all is he has been a big part of my life for a long time and that wound will take time to heal but has to and part of that will be no more contact, for a while at least.
Part of me thinks that adoption is not so much selfless but selfish. This is my baby and my mess. I just look at my girls and all the things I cannot give them, opportunities that every child should have and it breaks my heart that another child will go without because of me. And now I think it's better to take away the right of this child to be loved by it's mother?? Ugh, maybe I AM the deranged one!

Now I'm really not sure of his true motives behind the sperm test thing and I'm not sure it was exactly as I thought, the guy isn't exactly known for his honesty his he.
I'm already feeling less weight on my shoulders just for getting this off my chest. I knew that people would have things to say that would hurt and that's ok.

I've decided to take my kids out this afternoon and get them the shoes etc that they need and then take a nice long walk around the park, I have got to stop hiding away.
My girls are ok, there is no way I would allow them to be damaged by this. They know that mummy has split up with her boyfriend, that he is with someone else but that doesn't mean he doesn't care. They were confused at first because they thought that it should be horrible like with their dad, why is he still being nice? That was really sad but again good for them to see that it doesn't have to be horrible and nasty.
He knows the shit they have and continue to hear and see from their father and would not make that any worse.
Now I have to do the best not to screw this kid up with bitterness and anger. I'm not like that and I don't think they will intentionally do it. And yes if I see it, I have the option of stopping visits, just like with their father.
I understand that his wife may not be dealing with this well and hopefully she will deal with things and heal and it will not affect my child but I will not tolerate it if I find it does.
What else can I do? I'm going to be a mum, bloody hell.
He cannot manipulate my feelings if I don't allow him to.

There's no reason why this baby cannot have a happy relationship with both their Mum and Dad separately. It can work. Through the crap I've been through, I have come to speak to a few people in my situation and if you are focused on the child rather than everyone thinking of just themselves, then things can work.

First you need to actually go through with your threats of having nothing more sexually or emotionally to do with him. It must be terribly confusing for all the kids involved Especially when they get older and realise Mummy's BF and their siblings Father has been married for god knows how many years. Its one thing putting yourself into an affair situation, but putting your children smack bang in the middle is terrible (sorry, probably not much help but just trying to emphasise how important it is to put a stop to it ... and as much as he is to blame, you are equally for the child's circumstances)

I stand by what I said before. Cut contact except for anything important via email. Change telephone numbers if necessary. Inform him once baby is born and organise contact with a 3rd party present until baby is old enough to have contact alone with it's Dad. Organise financial support separetly once baby is here too, via email again.

Leave him to get on with sorting his life out and you yours.

Also unless you have evidence the wife is a threat to the child, I wouldn't go down the route of refusing her access ever. They are a family and what he does with his child, in his time, in the future is down to him.

Get some legal advice if you need to. Although if everyone is grown up about it, things can go smoothly. If he carries on with the infidelity elsewhere, you never know, the wife may kick him to the curb and she be taken out of the equation anyway.

Janet - I have been following your story and I am so sorry at what you are going through.

I just wanted to pick up on what you have said - "I just look at my girls and all the things I cannot give them,opportunities that every child should have...."

then

"...the right of this child to be loved by it's mother"

I would not judge you ,whatever you decide to do,and I can only speak from my own experiences and the decisions I have made.

However, I strongly believe that the greatest opportunity that any child SHOULD have ,is to be loved by it's mother.

As a single mother,I feel sadness that my dc's are not growing up in a Mummy and Daddy family ,and also that I cannot afford to buy lots of the treats and trips and goodies that lots of their friends take for granted.

However,I did grow up in a Mummy Daddy family.And I was miserable and lonely.My mother is not someone from whom I have received anything close to love .Not then and not now.Nor from my Dad.

My greatest priority is to ensure that my dc's grow up knowing that they are loved and valued for being the unique people they are ,and that they are given what I think they need to grow into emotionally intelligent,generous and warm hearted people who are able to enjoy living in the real world,with other people.
I place a very high value on moral integrity,and aim to enable my dc's to develop theirs so that they are healthy of mind and spirit.

These qualities cannot be bought with money and do not require convention to be developed.
If anything, an environment which is outside conventional "normal" enables us to confront and discuss things which we might not otherwise meet in day to day life.What I mean is,I think dc's and I learn more effectively and more meaningfully from things that happen to us - questions from friends,remarks made,assumptions we challenge - than we would by watching them on Eastenders!

You say "My girls are ok" and "I have to do the best not to screw up this kid with bitterness and anger"

Fantastic- what more could any child ask for than a mother who loves them and can champion them as you are doing.

It is bloody hard work with an unexpected new baby.
I write this as my 7 week old dd grouches and wails next to me and the teenage dd's row loudly in the kitchen.
I wish I had a lovely dh or dp.But I have to negotiate with 2 xh's who are frustrating and annoying and an absolute bastard abusive ,mad xp who believes he owns and controls the universe.

But my dc's will not make the choices I have made.And if they do,I will support them with love.And advocate for their rights as my adored children.

You can and will survive this.Your girls will love you and value all you are doing for them.
You will decide what is best for your family and come out of this stronger and able to see yourself as the fantastic mother and woman that you are .
Good luck x.

I think you should put your baby on ebay and have a threesome with this couple. It might be an idea to ask the son if he wants to join in too.

FFs, i think this is the berk who posts stupid stuff then says £85, thanks ladies to aggravate everyone .Aparently theres millions to be made by posting bullshit.
School holidays and someones got no freinds.

i think the OP has been posting on this for a long while - certainly i remember at least a couple of threads going back some months/a year. i don't recall her ever asking for RL assistance/money.

You reckon? Its all abit Jeremy Kyle, I have to admit but, Im keeping an open mind. If it is true, I hope all those involved find some peace soon.

yeah, i'm not going to link (and you all know how to use search) but she has been posting for nearly 3 years on this relationship. i think it's real - horrible, but real.

OP, i can only echo the others who've said to cool contact with this man and concentrate on yourself and your dc. good luck.

My mistake, sorry op.

It has to be to cut all ties. You will go insane if you dont. Its making my head spin just reading it. If you cut all ties what is his personality like? will he go away quietly? you are in a dreadful situation.

I dont think this is a troll