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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Well thats knocked the wind our of my sails - written out of father's will

88 replies

bibbitybobbityhat · 31/05/2010 15:10

Am very very . Don't know what to do with my feelings.

OP posts:

Original poster

bibbitybobbityhat · 31/05/2010 19:33

Step mum might possibly feel resentful that her dh paid maintenance for 10 years or so but then as he left the family home when the dc were 10 and 15 then thats just what you bloody well do, isn't it?

Suppose the dc from the first marriage feel resentful that not only did their dad up and leave them, he then went on to have 3 more children who took over his life (as dc inevitably do) who got support, emotionally and financially, in a different league to what they ever got.

The 30 y/o still lives at home with them. The 26 and 32 year old both work in the theatre and have no permanent address, so go back to the parental home when they are "resting". The ddad and dstepmum still live in a 6 bedroom house just because they need to accommodate all this dependence from their three offspring. They could be in a nice 3 bed house with £500,000 in the bank by now if their children weren't so dependent ...

That's just the other way of looking at it .

OP posts:

sunshiney · 31/05/2010 19:33

Agree with baloonslayers way of splitting. Can see no fairer way

RambleOn · 31/05/2010 19:45

Will you and DB inherit from your mum?

Original poster

bibbitybobbityhat · 31/05/2010 19:51

Yes, if her house doesn't have to be sold to pay for care.

OP posts:

RambleOn · 31/05/2010 19:56

Y'see, your SM is probably quite pissy over that

Original poster

bibbitybobbityhat · 31/05/2010 19:58

That would be very wrong of her though

OP posts:

RambleOn · 31/05/2010 20:04

I agree, it would be wrong of her.

I've been in a similar situ, stepdad wanted to split unequally between us, as stepsibs mum pissed all her money up the wall for 40yrs and wouldn't be leaving anything to them when she died.

They've now divorced though, so not now an issue (although it helped them on their way to a divorce!)

Seabright · 31/05/2010 20:19

If you don't want to do anything now, how about (when your DF's fit & well) you tell him you & DH are sorting out your wills and have been advised to set up a Discretionary Trust as a tax saving measure.

How this works is that on the death of the first spouse the survior is left £X (often the savings - they need day-to-day money) and the house (usually the major asset), or the deaceased's share in the house, is left to the children (or whoever), with the surviving spouse getting a life interest in it.

That means the survivor gets to stay living in the house (provides them with stability and security at the most awful time in their life) but on their death it passes, unter the trust, the children.

Ask if he's been given similar advise, ask his opinion, that sort of thing. It might well make him think "that's exactly what I want!".

These sort of trust work wonderfully, because they save tax and mean that the survior doesn't loose their home. And, if the survivor wants to move, they can - they proceeds of the sale of the original home are used to buy another home for them, but they never "really" own it, it belongs to the trust.

Sorry for long message!

BalloonSlayer · 31/05/2010 21:01

The thing about the 1/5 to each child seems nice bibbitybobbityhat but it is not always the reality.

My DSis married a man who had two daughters by two different women. They then had a daughter of their own. She has always stressed that her half of their house (50%) would go completely to her DD, but only a third of her DH's 50% would go to her DD (16.67%). She felt a sense of unfairness: because the other DDs were only children they would inherit 100% of another persons' estate plus their Dad's 16.67% of his. But her DD would only get 50% + 16.67%

But tis the way it is...

hellymelly · 31/05/2010 21:07

That is terrible,on the worst level she could be damaging her children's relationships with their siblings for ever,how terribly selfish and thoughtless.Could you talk to her children? Maybe they would or will resolve it so that all five of you get a fair share? I am shocked.What a horrible woman.

wukter · 31/05/2010 21:11

I have to wonder why she told you at this point. Particularly as you expect your dad to make a good recovery. What kind of person is she Bibbitty, straightforward, tactless, manipulative...

pooka · 31/05/2010 21:12

Not suggesting that this is what you should do, but as far as I am aware it is entirely possible to contest a will.

Friend of my grandmother's had a second marriage to a very rich man who already had 2 children. When he died (estate greater than 10 milliion) a substantial proportion was left to his daughters (A &B), the remainder to his second wife (my grandmother's friend) who was childless but had 2 ste--children from her first marriage (C & D). When she died, she left her entire estate (partly her opwn money, partly that she inherited from him) to her step-daughters from her first marriage (C & D).

The daughters (A & B) contested the will and an arrangement was made.

dollius · 31/05/2010 21:22

"it is very, very hurtful and it's not about the money, it's the sense of being held in less regard than your sibling and IMO parents shouldn't express favouritism, it is very damaging to the non-favoured children even if they are adults."

This is very true.

I have spent this afternoon trying to explain to my father why I am so hurt that my parents have given each of my three siblings a certain sum of money, and me only half that (originally only one-sixth, but then revised up to one half).

They say it is because I "got on the property ladder" a couple of years before my next sibling, but in reality this is just a way of rationalising something which has gone on for years.

My parents very much use financial gifts as an expression of love and favour. I have no desire for their money whatsoever, but I find myself very hurt by their stance towards me.

I will always divide gifts equally between my DC, no matter what.

Original poster

bibbitybobbityhat · 31/05/2010 21:30

I agree entirely Dollius.

My step mother is very young so I haven't even begun to think about what I might inherit from my father. Hopefully my step mother has 20 or 30 or even 40 years left to live.

So she will get the benefit of his pensions and the house and all of that.

But when she dies she doesn't want to leave anything to me or db in her will. Even though we have been part of her life for 35ish years atm, and possibly a lot longer into the future.

Exactly what does a stepchild have to do to earn a place in their stepparent's heart, I wonder?

OP posts:

TheButterflyParty · 31/05/2010 21:37

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

dollius · 31/05/2010 21:41

Yes - the memento thing is right.
The thing that actually hurt me the most was that my mother had two beautiful hand-painted plates made for each of my brother and sister when they got married, but nothing for me at all.
They are not worth anything, but I would have loved to have had something so personal and thoughtful.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 31/05/2010 21:48

What a cow of a nasty stepmother. Sounds like she got her claws well into your Dad besides which there's no fool like an old fool.

Your eldest brother and you may be able to contest the will. You need to talk to a Solicitor asap as well as your Dad when he is able.

Sherbert37 · 31/05/2010 21:59

I too have seen this at first hand. My nan left everything to my brother and my dad, her only son, had no idea. Nothing for anyone else. Apparently I did not get anything as I was married. Fast forward to now and I am on my own with 3 dcs and about to be made redundant. Brother has never had to work. The sad thing was he gave the house and contents over to house clearance and many treasured items were sold. I try not to think about it all as it makes me feel as if she did not love me. Goodness knows what my long-suffering only son father made of it all. Hope you can resolve this otherwise it will tarnish your memories and relationships.

Sherbert37 · 31/05/2010 22:02

I too have seen this at first hand. My nan left everything to my brother and my dad, her only son, had no idea. Nothing for anyone else. Apparently I did not get anything as I was married.
Fast forward to now and I am on my own with 3 dcs and about to be made redundant. Brother has never had to work. The sad thing was he gave the house and contents over to house clearance and many treasured items were sold.
I try not to think about it all as it makes me feel as if she did not love me. Goodness knows what my long-suffering only son father made of it all. Hope you can resolve this otherwise it will tarnish your memories and relationships.

Sherbert37 · 31/05/2010 22:05

Sorry - doubly insensed posting!

Portofino · 31/05/2010 22:09

Not allowed on the continent! Here everything must be split equally between spouse and children.

Reminds me that we must see lawyer as dh has older daugghter whom he he has not seen for many years - despite much effort on his part. If he died she is automatically entitled to 1/3 of his estate. I don't disagree with her entitlement per se, but it could cause me and dd some problems....

Portofino · 31/05/2010 22:14

PS she sounds like a right cow to bring the will up at all at this moment!

Original poster

bibbitybobbityhat · 31/05/2010 22:20

I guess she is bringing up the matter of the will in case the worst comes to the worst. And also because they have only recently changed it and she probably feels me and db should be told what is in it.

As I said before, I always assumed that if ddad dies before her then she will get everything.

Its what happens on her death that I am having problems with.

OP posts:

WilfShelf · 31/05/2010 22:27

I am part of a stepfamily, and recently my dad asked me (with my half-sister) to be an executor of his will. I have not yet asked him the details but will do soon, but I can completely understand why you are upset by this bibbity.

I do hope you get a chance to talk to your dad about what he means to happen in his will to clarify the situation. I hope, if it ever came to a similar situation, I would be able to walk away in a dignified fashion. But I think at the top of my feelings would be wanting to know my dad loved me... The inheritances stand in for this, but they are not the real thing: it is what people do because they find it difficult to say, on all sides.

...It is your stepmother's feelings getting in the way of you knowing this, so I think it is imperative you talk to him, whether or not he leaves you anything, or whatever she chooses in 20 years time? Because that is the main issue, no? The intentions of love wrapped up in all this?

ClaireDeLoon · 31/05/2010 22:32

I'm sorry your father is unwell and I'm horrified at your stepmother's comments to you.

Do you have any inkling as to why your father will have changed his will? Do you think he even understands what her intentions are?

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