Well thats knocked the wind our of my sails - written out of father's will

[bibbitybobbityhat]

Am very very . Don't know what to do with my feelings.

My friend's mum left everything to the youngest daughter, nothing to the older ones. Her reasons where that the older ones were financially independent, while my friend, who was the main carer of the mum, could hardly survive on her salary and would have been made homeless if the house had to be sold to split the value between the 5 brothers.

I doubt the older siblings took it well, however, I understand the rationale behind her decision. She also told me in private that she knew that no matter how much the siblings loved each other, they wouldn't take the responsibility to care for the youngest financially, so that's why she was taking the issue on her hands.

Yes - her thinking is obv that the are just starting out and that you and your brother don't need the help. Totally unfair.

I am one of 4 girls and my parents have always said that everything will be divided equally between us. DH and I are much better off financially than any of my sisters and I have said a few times that it should be divided differently. 2 of my sisters have warned me that it stays divided in four and that is how they want it. They would not feel comfortable knowing that I would get less. How do you think your half siblings will feel?

Is it possible he's trying to avoid inheritance tax Bibbity? There is none between spouses. They may have an agreement between them that they give to each other first them to the children later - or with eight years gap to avoid the tax?

I'm sure this is horrible for you - like being told you are not as important as his 'new' family but I'm sure it's not intended that way by your dad.

I hope he's okay and that you use this as an opportunity (when he's a bit better) to discuss his wishes and make it completely plain that whatever he wants to do is fine with you but that your step-mum didn't explain it in the nicest possible way.

My parents are not leaving anything to us either, we don't need it, whereas one of my brothers has been less successful in life (not his fault, just been unlucky). But we've discussed it so it's not a surprise IYSWIM.

The fact that your sm told you the wills have been changed recently means you and your brother were initially in your/their wills presumably.

I hope your father gets better soon and you feel you can speak to him about it.

Presumably, Cammelia.

I expect I will let it go and never see my stepmother again after my father's funeral (lets hope many years ahead in the future).

That must be incredibly hurtful.

I expect you will get some more responses of the "well it is his decision, you just have to suck it up" kind, thereby spectacularly missing the point.

Hope the op goes well.

My dad intends to leave everything to my mum. He then intends for her to leave things in turn to their children - but everyone knows that the reality is that my mum will leave anything that is left either directly to her only grandchild (my dd) or to some odd ball charity . My dad knows this but isn't prepared to tackle it.

I agree that wills are not about money so much as emotions, and a feeling of how the deceased really thought of you or valued you and that is why there is so much scope for hurt feelings and feeling rejected or unloved. My mum prefers her grandchild to her kids and this is reflected in her will!

At the end of the day, I doubt you will change the will, basically your dad gets to control who he gives his money to but not what they subsequently do with it. He has decided it is in his interest to go with the current will scenario, probably for an easy life. He is going to throw a spanner into your relationships with the step family by doing this but that decision is his.

I am frankly disappointed in my dad's similar decision and feel let down by him, but that is something I have to come to terms with. I have put some emotional distance between us to help myself. Big sympathy to you on this. Parents can f*uck you up - you need to look after yourself and come to terms with the weaknesses in your dad's character - it is not just your step mother who is responsible for this decision.

I think if one child or sibling contributes a great deal to caring for parents and/or lives in the family home with them for many years then it is fair enough that contribution is recognised. In the op's case though it seems that the stepmother is intending to enrich her own children from joint resources at the expense of her husbands children. If the stepmother and op's father decide jointly to blow the lot on haribo and lapdancers - then that's their perogative. What's not fair is for her to inherit the pile and then exclude the op.

You've got to summon up the courage to talk to your dad about it, Bibbity. Just report what your step-mum said and say that her words made you feel unloved. It may not be true, or he may have his reasons. It's entirely reasonable of you to ask if that all is true.

Yes you need to talk to him

It sounds as if what has happened is that your dad is simply leaving everything to his wife. There is no way of telling if he hasn't thought what she will do when she goes, or she has told him she will split it 5 ways, or he knows she will give it to her 3 and he is fine with that.

It is more than possible that he hasn't "actively" disinherited yuo IYSWIM, that it's a consequence he hasn't realised.

What a thing for your stepmum to tell you at this time

I agree that you need to talk to him about it when he's better. He needs to have the opportunity to explain what's happened to you so that you don't feel bitter for no reason.

Plus, your step mother might be wrong.

My Mum is dividing everything between the four of us but has recently mentioned something to me about maybe leaving a little more to my younger dsis who has SN's and will never be able to earn megabucks and who lives independently but with a lot of support from carers who do pop in from time to time to check up on her. tbh I would think this is fair enough as the rest of us can fend for ourselves and any inheritance would be a "nice to have" rather than something we would rely on. But I don't care what anyone says, if you are not remembered in a will, it is very, very hurtful and it's not about the money, it's the sense of being held in less regard than your sibling and IMO parents shouldn't express favouritism, it is very damaging to the non-favoured children even if they are adults.

Dh's older brother will inherit everything from MIL and FIL and Dh and his other siblings are hurt by it. It is effectively saying that BIL is the favourite and that the others are held in less regard, especially as BIL has a good job, owns his own property and has no dp or dc's so there is no particular reason why he would need the money more than the others. MIL and FIL are also in good health so it's not as though anyone has had to be a carer for them.

Wow chipmonkey. What reasons have PILs given for that?

I think its just healthier to assume that you will not inherit anything from your parents and live your life accordingly. Anything you might get would be a welcome surprise and its easier than being disappointed if you don't get anything.

Its very spiteful for your stepmother to impart such unwelcome information however.

Hi,

I did not read every post so this may have been said.
There is a provision in the law that allows changes to a will after a persons death. I don't know the extent of the provision but would suggest you contact one of those solictors that give you a free consultation to find out what you could do if the situation arises.
Sorry, this has happened to you. I hope your father and you have chance to discuss this in privacy i.e away from your step mother to help you understand his decision

I'm not a legal person and so could be wrong on this one, but I believe that in Scotland at least (like many other european countries) and possibly also in England (???), it's actually virtually impossible to completely disinherit your children.

IIRC you are always entitled to some portion of an estate (though possibly excluding property??).

So I guess it depends on where you are, is there a friendly solicitor around perhaps who can clarify this one?

for the purposes of IHT, it would be best to bequeath up to £300k in value to people other than your spouse - to use your allowance. then, if when your spouse dies, the estate is worth less than £300k...no tax paid.

fighting a legal battle about it i don't advise, as they can drag on for years and cause more heartache than the money is ever worth. a friend of dads (sole child) had a ten year battle over his parents inheritance (which should have just gone straight to him!)

it does seem particuarly nasty of your Step-mother to say this now.

Dh's dad arranged things so that their Smum would keep the house, though they would part-own it until her death... v. sensible - it can be done. though in their cases they weren't homeowners at the time, and their Step brothers and sisters are older. i can see some of the sense in bequeathing by need...

glacierchicken, this is also my understanding (also in Scotland). My dad (with intimations of mortality, I think) told me last year that my db and I would be asked, when he dies, to sign a waiver allowing my mum to inherit all, in accordance with his wishes. Obv, we will do so as we have no step-family issues to consider and no relationship strife to complicate things.
However, I am a lot younger than dh, who has children from his first marriage. We have wills that are intended to ensure that the survivor of us two will inherit all to the other with the 2nd part of our wills designed to ensure that each of us will leave our half of our joint estate equally to our children. So dh's share is split into more parts than mine as our dd is my only child but only one of his children. We will probably have to get dh's other children to sign a similar document when he dies (assuming he dies before me).

Wow, she sounds a right charmer, your stepmum.

Everything of my dad's will go to our mother if and when he dies before her.

She's had to live with him for 46 years .

But because there are no other siblings, it's likely to be divided equally in the even they both die or when she dies.

Blended families, it can be tricky.

Plenty of loaded and even noble families that have had stepmonster issues.

We went to visit Cawdor Castle and it was all over the place the Thane of Cawdor had to go to court to get his stepmother out of his house.

Earl Spencer had to evict his stepmum, too.

How about mentioning it to your Dad - when he is better of course - and just saying that you are absolutely fine with it yadda yadda yadda, BUT could he see his way clear to leave you one of his personal possessions - such as a clock? a nice chair? - so that you have something to remember him by. As you got the strong impression from SM that she will give her other three kids everything that was ever his, even things you remember from childhood.

That'll be a sneaky nice way of alerting him what she is planning, and you can then see how he feels about it.

glacierchick, I don't think you're right about having to leave a proportion of your estate to your children in England. I know this is the case in some other european coutries (Germany I think)but I certainly know people in England who either have not been left anything by their parents or left a small amount.

At least you have found out now, I know two people who found out after the death that their parent was leaving all or the vast majority of their estate to one sibling.

It's an odd thing to do.

It would be quite acceptable for her to split her half of the house between her three children and your father's half of the house between his FIVE children. This would mean that if the house yielded £200,000 you and your brother would get £20,000 each and your half-siblings would get £53,000 each. Which is a massive difference in inheritances and might seem uneven, but is actually absolutely fair.

But what she's planning to do isn't fair at all, is it?

Wills can be contested in English courts but probably only the lawyers would end up benefiting. There's certainly provision made for children of first marriages if someone dies intestate.

Did he pay maintenance over the years? Stepmum might well be resentful of that? Could it be that she has told your Dad that she will split 5 ways but has told you different?

Suppose the age 26 - 32 generation are mostly quite screwed financially without a bank of Mum and Dad, being loaded with student debt and priced out of home ownership due to the horrendous tripling of houseprices over the past 15 years.

Hope for you that your Dad's op goes well and that you get a chance to talk to him about anything you'd like to be able to while he is still with you. As others have said, maybe all the money will have to go on nursing home fees for one, other or both in the end.

What about: he has 5 children, he leaves everything to dw but when she dies she has to leave 1/5 to each child? Since me and db were part of the package when she married ddad. Or is that too simple?

Seems to me the only right and proper way to do things.

There is no obligation in English law to leave anything to your children unless they are financially dependant on you. In this case the only real option would be to challenge the will after death on the grounds that your dad lacked testamentary capacity i.e bluntly didn't know what he was doing. It is likely that you would struggle cos on the face of it it's rational to leave everything to his wife.

However as you have said, it's not the money but the fact that it looks like he favours his 3 younger kids. It's up to him where he leaves his money and difficult to start a convo with him about it. If I were you I would just tell him what his wife said and give him an opportunity to give his reasons. If they are valid then that will put paid to you harbouring any lingering resentment.