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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

me and alcohol have ruined my family

999 replies

jesuswhatnext · 31/05/2010 12:32

title says it all really - i really cocked up last night, dh walked out, i cant remember what i said to him

today i have actually been in touch with AA but i think its all too late, my dd hates me, as does my parents, yes im feeling sorry for myself right now but i also know i have to change and stop drinking but dont know how.

what can i do to put things right? help me!

OP posts:
Original poster
jesuswhatnext · 30/06/2010 16:40

i think they also need to understand that they CANNOT stop you drinking, just cos they say stop.

OP posts:
Original poster
jesuswhatnext · 30/06/2010 16:41

if it was that easy, everyone would do it!

OP posts:
MoominMags · 30/06/2010 16:50

I know! Their hearts are in the right place and I think it's a case of my parents also wanting to support my husband who does not have a clue what to do when I decide to go off on one! Am sure I will not be on the naughty chair as such but I know I will resort to being a stroppy teenager! Argh. I will just have to take deep breaths and remind myself 'this too shall pass', ha ha!

Thanks for your support again!

Original poster
jesuswhatnext · 30/06/2010 17:15

moomin - can you remember how to roll your eyes, curl your lip and mutter 'wotevvvar' , if not, i will get dd to give you a masterclass before you meet everyone

OP posts:
venusandmars · 30/06/2010 17:58

Oh moomin, I would hate that - everyone making me the centre of attention and talking about my problem. I will keep that vision to help me when I feel tempted to have a drink.

I am in a different situation in that I have not told anyone about the extent of my problem. I see what has been written previously and maybe some people have guessed, but I'd be pretty sure my parents don't know. Should I be telling them? They are in their 80's and would be so worried.

I am not sure about going to AA. I am a bit agorophobic and I find it difficult to go out to unfamiliar places. I have looked at the website and there are a couple of meetings each week not far from me, and then some more quite a few miles away. I will need to think about it and work out how I can manage myself to get there.

Hope you all have a good evening. It is helping me to post on here. Thanks.

MIFLAW · 30/06/2010 18:02

You may find, once the initial discomfort is over, that attendance at AA meetings actually helps with your agoraphobia.

Straight question - are you not prone to agoraphobia in the places where you buy your drink?

venusandmars · 30/06/2010 18:03

And maybe someone call help me with regards to the difference between a Big Book meeting and a Step Meeting?

I've seen MIFLAW's advice on not starting on the steps too soon, and I'd hate to go to the wrong meeting.

MIFLAW · 30/06/2010 18:03

Venus

Where are you based?

you do know that if you phone AA someone can come to your house if you want them to and/or accompany you to a meeting?

If you're in SE London I'll take you myself if you like.

MIFLAW · 30/06/2010 18:10

You don't start the steps by going to a step meeting, any more than you get married by going to the bridal shop. Go to any meeting you like. The main thing is that there are a few friendly regulars there. In fact, some step meetings will go back to step 1 if they know a newcomer is present. The only problem with attending a step meeting is if it is your first and they are on, say, step 10, then it can all sound a bit unreal and irrelevant to the newcomer.

Basically, in a step meeting, we study one of the 12 steps (normally worked through in order, often with 2 weeks on step 12). In big book meetings we look at a passage from the "Big Book" of Alcoholics Anonymous.

Most meetings are neither step nor big book, anyway - they are just "ordinary".

venusandmars · 30/06/2010 19:55

Thanks MIFLAW. Yes I also imagine that my agorophobic tendancies may improve without alcohol, I don't know if an AA meeting would help because I don't know enough about them.

You asked "are you not prone to agoraphobia in the places where you buy your drink?"

Yes I am. I have almost never gone out just to go to the shops. I would always plan a trip to the shops on my way home from work (once I was already out of the house) and would buy enough drink to last me until the next time I had to be out for a work meeting. That is what I was thinking when I wrote that I would need to work out how I could manage to get myself there. I think that if I can co-ordinate a meeting with a work appointment, then it would not be so bad.

Thank you for your lovely offer - I wish I lived in London and I would call on you for help. Unfortunately I live far away in Scotland and I guess that would be a long trip out for you .

I am off to make a banana cake now, and then to investigate the times and locations of all the nearby meetings to see what I can work out.

Original poster
jesuswhatnext · 30/06/2010 22:47

hi, been a bit of a mixed bag this evening - we all seem to have got on each others nerves a bit and a fair amount of bickering has gone on - tbh, i think it fairly normal sort of family quarreling iyswim - 3 adults living together is always a going to cause tension at times, mainly it seems, because we treat dd 'like a teenager and its not fair'

venus - you sound a bit down my love? keep on posting - as to telling your parents, only you can make that call, all i would say is - are they able to help? are they frail? would telling them make a differance to your recovery? is there a chance that they know anyway and are worried about you?

if telling them would make a huge differance to you, and they could cope with it, then tell them - if not, i think i would be inclined not to say anything.

please give real consideration to going to a meeting, i thank my lucky stars everyday that i made that initial contact - EVERYONE i have met at aa so far has been kindness itself - mention your agrophobia, i am willing to bet that someone will bend over backwards to help you.

miflaw - i didn't know there were differant types of meetings, i think i must go to a 'normal' one

hope moomins evening has not been to gruelling?

tomorrow i am off to see a friend of mine who has just had a baby girl - i intend to have a cuddle (with the baby i mean!)

then into the office and during the afternoon i am toying with the idea of joining the libary, i fancy having a browse at some new books. i am also going to book a pedicure (using this weeks booze money)

anyway I HAVE NOT HAD A DRINK TODAY!

goodnight all, see you tommorow.

OP posts:
helpmenow · 30/06/2010 22:49

I would be very surprised if your agoraphobia didn't improve dramatically if you made it to meetings. Note its called recovery, not abstinence in AA. How's the banana cake? Did you find where your local meetings are?

helpmenow · 30/06/2010 22:51

Xposted with JWN. Well done on another sober day, your posts are inspirational. How is Moomin?

JamieJay · 30/06/2010 22:53

jesuswhatnext I've not had any involvement in your thread or any experience of alcoholism but just wanted to say that I've been looking in on your thread fairly regularly and think you should be really proud of what you've done.

I really hope that doesn't come across as patronising or condescending just wanted to say how fab you're doing

drivingmisscrazy · 30/06/2010 22:56

would like to second jamiejay I pop in from time to time, and am delighted every time that you are still here and still sober - such a great achievement

TheNextMrsDepp · 30/06/2010 22:57

I second that JamieJay. I regularly pop in to read a little of this thread, and I'm so impressed by how far you've come - all of you.

MoominMags · 01/07/2010 09:18

Morning all! The family get together went well last night. Was far less horrific than I had thought. Basically everyone wants to help me and help my husband. (We've not been married that long and although we are both in our 30's he is quite naive and as a master-manipulator (alcoholic!) I am able to get round him.)

JWN - sorry you had an evening of bickering but like you say it's so normal. I go to the library all the time, I love it! I am going this lunchtime in fact. What kind of books do you like?

venus - how are you doing? I really hope you can get the courage to go to a meeting, they are the best place for people like us. Don't worry about the 'type' of meeting, there are some I like and some I like less but I only know this through trying them all. All of them are helpful!

Here's to another good day for us all!

Original poster
jesuswhatnext · 01/07/2010 09:28

iiii thank you!! takes a bow!!

feeling really bright this morning - looking forward to meeting my friends baby, this is her 4th (total nutter ) 3 girls and a boy, dear god, fancy going through the teenage years 3 times!, i say 3 as i bet boys are easier, ime they just grunt and smell - with girls is all angst, trantums, tears and wild screaming when they are all together (i suppose they do smell better than boys though)

i digress, moomin, hope you are ok today?, let us know!

venus - how are doing darling? - please come back and chat! miflaw is fantastic, his advice has helped me no end

i will be back a bit later, hopefully not smelling of baby sick xxxxxx

(i know xxx are not mumsnet style, but i really would kiss you all if met you!)

OP posts:
venusandmars · 01/07/2010 09:29

Thanks all for your messages. Strangely it helps to hear that it is sometimes difficult for you too, it makes me feel better about my own struggle. And I am really encouraged to hear how well you are sticking to it.

I had a few wibbly moments yesterday evening but managed to get over them, so now I am on day 5 of being sober. It has been many, many months since that has happened.

Today I am going to a work meeting. It clashes with possible AA meeting, but I am planning to drive to the place where the meeting is held so that I can get usedd to the place.

PS. Banana ccake was lovely - could really enjoy the taste.

Original poster
jesuswhatnext · 01/07/2010 09:31

moomin - sorry, got to dash! so glad you are ok! you sound really bright today aswell must be something in the air!

be back to chat later x

OP posts:
Original poster
jesuswhatnext · 01/07/2010 09:32

WELL DONE VENUS!!!!

really must go now!

OP posts:
MoominMags · 01/07/2010 09:32

venus - that's a great idea to go and find the place and get comfortable with it. You can normally spot an AA meeting as there's a very varied group of people outside smoking!

Let us know how it goes.

MoominMags · 01/07/2010 09:34

(I hope the smoking thing does now put you off!)

MoominMags · 01/07/2010 09:34

*NOT put you off.

MIFLAW · 01/07/2010 13:00

Just to add, Venus, that if you live or work in a sizeable town (e.g. Edinburgh or Glasgow) there are often morning, lunchtime or "straight after work" meetings which, with a bit of planning, you can fit into a normal day.

Or you may even find there's one at the end of your street!

Sorry you can't take me up on my offer - but, just to reiterate, if you phone the helpline, someone more local (...) will come to you if you want them to.