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Original poster

To old to have a baby?

57 replies

squirrel3 · 29/05/2010 11:22

I have just begun a new relationship and I have waited all of my life to find a man like him. He is near perfect, we are happy, we are on the same wave length, have the same beliefs, he treats me like a princess...

So what is the problem? I hear you ask. The problem is I am 10 yrs older than him, my children have grown up and I actually have grandchildren. He doesn't have children and he wants them, it is highly inlikely that I can give him a child, but I just can't give him up and he can't give me up either.

It is heart wrenching, for us both. I can't deny him the chance to have a child that I can't give him but we don't want to end things.

Any advice? is it crazy to think about having a child with him when I am 45? or am I just setting us both up to be hurt?

OP posts:
JodieO · 29/05/2010 11:25

I don't think a child at 45 is crazy. Dp's mum has a 10 and 13 year old and he is 23, I'm 31! I already have 3 children of my own and am currently 10 weeks pregnant with our baby, his first. I know I'm not in my 40's but it's still possible to do and with an age gap. Dp's mum was mid 40's when she had her 2 girls and he also has an older brother of 27/28.

Good luck, it's worth a go imo.

Original poster
squirrel3 · 29/05/2010 11:26

I know it is all over the news about women in their 40's starting families but I promise you I am not a troll. I have been around on MN for years on and off. Not so much lately though.

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Original poster
squirrel3 · 29/05/2010 11:28

Thank you JodieO, I don't know why but your message has just made me burst into tears.

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Original poster
squirrel3 · 29/05/2010 11:32

Do you think it is really possible? I have a chronic pain condition but I would be willing to stop my meds and put up with the pain to have a child with him.

We haven't known each other for long but it just feels right, like we were meant to be. When we first met it was like we had known each other all of our lives.

OP posts:
JodieO · 29/05/2010 11:33

In a good way I hope! (hugs) Obviously it's a big thing for you and an emotional time, I really do think that it's worth trying though. Plenty of women your age have babies and you can always speak with your gp to see what advice they can give too.

Really hope you get your wish and take it easy on yourself

Original poster
squirrel3 · 29/05/2010 11:35

yes in a good way, we both want this so much but if I have trouble conceiving I could be 46 by the time it happens.

OP posts:
JodieO · 29/05/2010 11:37

I really do think it's possible. I had a crap abusive marriage and split with him. Dp has treated me like a princess, just like your relationship and he loves me so much, and I him. I've been seeing dp for nearly 2 years now, he proposed after a few months. It really feels right and he loves the kids like his own too.

I know exactly what you mean, I don't always think it's about time. I was with ex for 10 years and never felt and experienced what I do with dp after less than 2! Even straight away I knew and so did he. I had doubts due to age gap etc but it all worked out and he reassured me.

Sounds so similar to me!

pavlovalover · 29/05/2010 11:37

I personally wouldn't try for a child at 45, but others will disagree.

However, crucially, you don't say whether YOU want another child. Just that you don't want to lose him. And I don't think they are the same thing.

JodieO · 29/05/2010 11:39

It could happen first time Try to stay positive, I know you have to be realistic too but I think that positive thinking helps quite a lot. There are ways to maximise fertility too, have a google if you decide to go for it. The way I look at it is this; when you're on your deathbed will you regret trying or not trying? There is a famous quote similar to it but can't recall it properly, it's about that though.

elvislives · 29/05/2010 11:39

I had my last child 2 months before my 44th birthday. There are MNetters who have had a baby at 47.

It is possible to have a child at 45 but you do need to be aware that the rate of miscarriage once you are 45 is something like 50%. I had 2 missed m/c before I had DD, which were pretty nasty. You'll know that the likelihood of genetic disorders increases with age as well.

Your biggest problem may be actually getting pregnant, but you won't know until you try.

I think if you go into it with the thought that it may not happen, taking into account the possible risks then why not? But if you are the sort of person who would be devastated if it didn't happen or something went wrong then it might be better not to set yourself up for disappointment. Only you know the answer to that one.

JodieO · 29/05/2010 11:43

With regards to miscarriage, it can happen whatever age too. I'm 31 and have had 6. My last was at the beginning of the year with dp, rest were with ex, no reason found for them. I have pcos so, that was the only factor found that could be causing them but nothing was definite.

Good luck with whatever you decide though.

Original poster
squirrel3 · 29/05/2010 11:44

elvislives, thank you for your encouragement, I will talk to him about it.

I would have 9 months of bedrest if I have to, lol. Actually 9 months of having someone wait on you hands and foot sounds good

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mankymummymoo · 29/05/2010 12:01

How long have you been together? And does he really want children? Does he understand what that commitment involves? I'm really not trying to be negative, but i think you need to want a child for yourself, not just because he does and also make sure he wants one 100%.

I was in the same situation as you, and fell pregnant. My DP was 10 years younger than me too and ended up demanded that I have an abortion - and being very, very unpleasant with it. I think he liked the idea of it but when it actually happened he did a massive turn about. I sincerely hope the same doesnt happen for you, hence the advice to be very, very sure.

ItsGraceAgain · 29/05/2010 12:14

squirrel, don't just talk tour H about it, talk to a counsellor and an obstetrician/midwife as well. It's important for you to know whether you want another child.

Wrt your actual question: 45 isn't too old to have a baby; what we often forget is that, in cultures where women have 10-15 kids, their last are often born in the mother's 50s.

Take your H to spend a whole weekend with one of your children's babies - or, better, borrow it. Don't protect him from the crying, hunger, nappies and puking.

Depending on the nature of your pain condition, pregnancy might actually fix it. The female body is funny that way. Choosing to go untreated, through all the discomforts of pregnancy, though, is a massive ask and you shouldn't kid yourself about it.

If it turns out to be to baby, but to pregnancy: adopt!!

Original poster
squirrel3 · 29/05/2010 12:19

mankymummymoo, we haven't been together long at all but we are sure about each other and he is 100% sure he wants children. I am not planning on getting pregnant asap but it is something we will have to think about fairly soon because time is running out for me

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thumbwitch · 29/05/2010 12:24

I think the age difference is immaterial. I am 9y older than DH and had DS when I was 40.

Howver, I am having more trouble conceiving now and had a MC just before Christmas - still trying for no 2, and will be 43 in a couple of months. So your actual age is not going to be helpful but that's not to say you wouldn't be lucky.

Have you spoken to your own DC about it? Not that it should stop you doing what you want to do, but it would be probably quite nice to have them on-side.

sincitylover · 29/05/2010 12:27

If I were in your situation (am a bit older) would def go for it.

DuelingFanjo · 29/05/2010 12:28

It is possinble but it might turn out that one of you or both of you have fertility problems. You becaue of your age and him because he just might have.

The first step I think would be for both of you to go and have tests done. He can ask for a sperm test at his GP and you can get the basic fertility/hormonal tests done at the GP. That way you can start off being informed about the chances you realistically have of getting pregnant.

Original poster
squirrel3 · 29/05/2010 12:31

ItsGraceAgain, yes I will definitely talk to my Dr about it. I know with my pain condition she will advise against it but the condition took many years before it was diagnosed therefore getting the right meds, so I know what it will be like without them.

We talked about adpotion and he didn't say much about it so I don't think he is keen. I would definitely want a child with him if happens. I know I am old and my children are grown up and have left the nest but I would love to have another child if the circumstances were right, but up until now the situation hasn't arisen.

He is my soulmate, my best friend and my lover all rolled into to one and I have never met another man that can match what I feel for him and what we have together. A child would be the icing on the cake for us

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Original poster
squirrel3 · 29/05/2010 12:35

Yes, I had wondered if he might have fertility problems himself. I do think a visit to the Dr should be a first step to see if we could possibly have a child together.

If it is possible with luck and a lot of prayer, we might just have a child together

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mankymummymoo · 29/05/2010 12:36

In that case I wish you the best of luck.

Age, (health issues aside) is certainly no barrier to having a child in the circumstances you describe....

Original poster
squirrel3 · 29/05/2010 12:39

Thank you for your encouragement and advice. I know it won't be easy but you know what?

I think we will have to try, if we don't we will aways wonder 'what if'

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Original poster
squirrel3 · 29/05/2010 12:41

Stupid emotional tears, I was totally devastated yesterday because I didn't think it was possible and now I have been given some hope I am crying for a different reason.

Thank you

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mankymummymoo · 29/05/2010 12:42

Of course its possible - hey, you may even end up with twins, or more ! who knows?!!!!

shimmerysilverglitter · 29/05/2010 12:52

There is a column in the family supplement of the Guardian each Saturday written by a woman who has just had a baby aged 48 I think she is. Might be worth a look.

Hope all goes well for you .