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Original poster

To old to have a baby?

57 replies

squirrel3 · 29/05/2010 11:22

I have just begun a new relationship and I have waited all of my life to find a man like him. He is near perfect, we are happy, we are on the same wave length, have the same beliefs, he treats me like a princess...

So what is the problem? I hear you ask. The problem is I am 10 yrs older than him, my children have grown up and I actually have grandchildren. He doesn't have children and he wants them, it is highly inlikely that I can give him a child, but I just can't give him up and he can't give me up either.

It is heart wrenching, for us both. I can't deny him the chance to have a child that I can't give him but we don't want to end things.

Any advice? is it crazy to think about having a child with him when I am 45? or am I just setting us both up to be hurt?

OP posts:
gailforce1 · 29/05/2010 13:00

Squirrel - I feel for you as I am in a similar situation (wanting a baby in forties). The one aspect of this that DP and I have talked through and keep going back to is how will we cope if we are not blessed with a longed-for baby? What will we do in the future particularly when our friends start to have Grandchildren? (though I know you have children how will your dp react to your grandchildren?). I think you both have to consider your future together if you do not have a child, but I would do this whilst you are having tests etc so that you dont waste any time. Ate you able to start trying to conceive or are your current meds preventing you?
There are a couple of threads on Conception for those over 40 TTC which you might find interesting and later, supportive?

sparklefrog · 29/05/2010 13:08

My XP wanted a DC very very very much. He was 10 yrs my junior. My DS was all but grown up.

Although I wasn't in my 40's, I so wanted to make him happy. It seemed unfair that I had DS, and he didn't have any DC, much as he treated my DS as if he were one of his own.

I loved XP, but tbh, I was in denial about why I wanted another baby. Not saying you are, just my own experience.

I never had the yearning myself. I would have been just as happy if XP hadn't wanted DC, but in the event, he did, very very much so.

Think very hard whether you want to start again. IMO, my DS was all but grown up, and I was starting to enjoy a freedom I had not had for years. Just little things like being able to pop to the shops without taking a DC who didn't want to go, or having to arrange CM's everytime I wanted to go out, and the financial implications of having another DC.

I suppose you have thought of all of these things.

Have you always wanted another DC?

diddl · 29/05/2010 13:29

Well I wouldn´t say that 45 is a barrier in itself tbh.

That said, I am "only" 46, and have been without periods for 7months-not due to pregnancy!

No stopping/starting/longer gaps between-they have just stopped.

Is he so desperate for a child that he will leave if it doesn´t happen?

Or might he leave if it doesn´t happen within a certain time frame?

I can understand that he wants his own children-but if he doesn´t happen-does he love you enough for yours to be enough?

LadyLapsang · 29/05/2010 13:58

Statistically at your age you are unlikely to become pregnant or, if you do become pregnant, for the pregnancy not to proceed to term. I'm not saying it doesn't happen but the likelihood for most women is that it will not. Lots of the women you see having babies in their mid forties will be as a result of IVF / donor eggs from younger women

Maybe you should get some honest medical advice about your personal chances of conceiving and discuss with him what would happen with your relationship if you two cannot have a child together. Does he see himself with you if you cannot have a child ('for better or worse') or will it be a case of 'next'. If you do want to go ahead you probably should be trying straight away as every month that passes will be a lost opportunity.

Original poster
squirrel3 · 29/05/2010 14:08

I had closed my mind to the thought of more children because I thought it was never going to happen but now? I feel differently, there is a small chance I could have a child and yes, I want that.

If it doesn't happen I will be forever feeling like I have denied him the chance to become a father. I love him enough to not want to do that to him if that makes sense, I would rather walk away even if it does break my heart

OP posts:
posieparker · 29/05/2010 14:10

See if it's possible before you decide if you should.

Pikelit · 29/05/2010 14:34

Have a child because you want one, not because you want to satisfy the dearest wish of someone else.

Original poster
squirrel3 · 29/05/2010 14:46

If I had thought I could have another child it is what I have wanted ages ago but I didn't think it was possible.I had convinced myself that I 'didn't want a child anyway'. Also I was in a relationship up until last year where my XP had has a vasectomy so it didn't even cross my mind (well only fleetingly anyway because I thought there was no hope).

I know he would treat my grandchildren as if they were part of the family. We are talking about a guy who's parents fostered over 50 kids and he says he has 50 'brothers and sisters'.

Maybe we could go down that route if I can conceive, maybe that is something we need to talk about too.

Thank you for the info on the other threads galeforce, I will check it out

OP posts:
OnEdge · 29/05/2010 15:04

Go for it ! Definately, my mate had her 4th at 45, and her 3rd was 15. She hasn`t looked back and I think she is a fab mum because she is so experienced and can see the big picture.

BalloonSlayer · 29/05/2010 15:11

Good luck to you!

I had DC3 at 43 (accident!) both my maternal Grandmothers had babies at 48!

If your periods are still regular etc, why not give it a go.

BelleDameSansMerci · 29/05/2010 15:21

Go for it! My DD's father is 8 years younger than me. I had her just before my 42nd birthday - she's now nearly 3. Not exactly planned though

Most of my friends who are our age are with younger men. It seems to work!

clam · 29/05/2010 16:08

How easily did you fall pregnant before? I think that can skew the statistics for the likelihood of it happening now. So when they talk of lower % chances once past 40, if you know you've always been particularly fertile, then you can massage them in your favour. But then, you have a different partner, mind.
Good luck.

Original poster
squirrel3 · 29/05/2010 16:21

I got pregnant even just seeing a sperm when I was younger.

Seriously though I was on the pill when I became pregnant with both my children.

I have also had one other pregnancy when I was 35 that was a result of something very very horrible (not wanting to go into detail but you get the picture) I didn't go ahead with the pregnacy for obvious reasons.

So I would say that I was very fertile but I don't know what bearing that has on my fertility now but hopefully it is in my favour.

OP posts:
gailforce1 · 29/05/2010 16:55

Squirrel - have a read of Continuing conceptions and follicling of fiesty, fabulous forty somethings on conception board as Hippychick has just announced her pregnancy. Not sure of her exact age but the whole thread is inspiring and full of information on various things tried to aid conception!

Original poster
squirrel3 · 29/05/2010 17:11

gailforce, I can't find the thread you are talking about. Could you please give me a link? Thank you for your support and not thinking I am crazy to be considering another child at my age, lol

OP posts:
gailforce1 · 29/05/2010 18:53

Sorry Squirrel my IT skills are useless so cant link you direct!
The "continuing conceptions" thread is under the topic "Conception" where you posted on the "Who is the oldest on here to conceive" thread. Just had another look and Hippy is 44 in August.
Would you have to come off your meds before trying to conceive? You mentioned that you would have to be on bedrest - is that because of your current condition or you had to do that with previous pregnancies?

diddl · 29/05/2010 19:24

here

Can I just put a damper on though OP-I hope all goes well if it´s what you want.

But please get "checked out" first as obviously another woman´s ability to conceive mid 40s has no bearing on yours.

Original poster
squirrel3 · 29/05/2010 19:32

Thanks Galeforce I have found it now

Actually I have looked into the meds and pregnancy thing and the good news is that they can actually prescribe it to pregnant women they just recomend you come off it slowly towards the end of the pregnancy to avoid withdrawl.

I am just assuming that I would have to be very careful if I became pregnant to avoid losing it and if that meant bedrest so be it.

I had no trouble whatsoever with my previous pregnancies so hopefully...

OP posts:
gailforce1 · 29/05/2010 19:57

Thanks diddl for linking.
There seems to have been so much discussion about older Mums this week as well as the news that John Travolta's wife is expecting at 47. What is never known is how many of these pregnancies are "natural conceptions".
It is only my opinion, but I do think that if you have had children previously you stand a better chance than if you are trying for your first.
Whatever happens Squirrel pleae keep in touch and good luck with whatever you both decide.

diddl · 29/05/2010 20:17

Oh I agree, I got pregnant very easily with my 2 & I was mid thirties-but now "just" 10yrs on am menopausal!

Kathyjelly · 29/05/2010 20:58

Uhmmm, I had my first at 45 and I wasn't even trying. Easy pregnancy, healthy full term boy. Just because the medical profession keep warning people that their fertility falls after 40 doesn't mean that happens to everyone. If it's that important to you, why not try.

LadyLapsang · 30/05/2010 13:46

Just looked up the recent statistics. To give you a rough idea in the US in 2007 there were:
4,317,119 births, of which
7349 were to women aged 45 - 54 (at time of birth, not conception)
6218 to girls aged 10-14

So, very approximately (no calculator!) just under 1 in 590 births were to women aged 45 plus

purplepeony · 30/05/2010 14:09

I don't know if this has been said already as I have read most, but not allposts.

A relationship between any two people should not be based on whether a child will come along. No one knows at the outset if they will be fertile and cn conceive- both men and women can be infertile, or a couple can be infertile for no reason ever found.

I don't think you should be looking at this relationship and its permanence based on whether you can conceive, any more than you would if you were 30. Yes, the chances of conception at an younger age are greater but not 100%.

You should be looking at whether you both want to be together with or without a baby. I f this man loves you then he should accept that a baby may not be part of the package, or it could be.

If he really wants a child and is not prepared to risk never having one, the he needs to be honest both with himself and you over that.

From a practical point of view, you should go and see a gynae- a private appt will set you back about £150- and ask for tests for your FSH levels and other hormones to give you an idea of where you stand with your fertility.

It is increasingly hard, but not impossible, for women over 45 to become PG and the risks of both miscarriage and Downs rises considerably.

If you get some medical advice this will be discussed and depending on your fertility you could also be offered fertility drugs to help you conceive.

I think you both have to decide if you want to be a couple with or without the addition of a baby- it would be a bonus.

KerryMumbles · 30/05/2010 14:14

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Glycine · 30/05/2010 15:16

Hi
just wanted to comment on your chronic pain aspect and pregnancy. I too had chronic pain prior to pregnancy but much to my amazement the pregnancy improved the pain. Not saying that's going to happen for everyone but the body does amazing things.

Also as others have said bear in mind the increased probability of genetic abnormalities, mc etc. Also if you do need to go the IVF route then that is incredibally stressful.

Sorry don't want to put damper on things but wish you well with your decision. A baby is the most amazing gift and I hope it works for you if that is what you decide.
Definitely try and go to private fertility clinic if you are able to and get the routine tests done as that will assist your decision making.