Is this controlling?

[nitcomb]

dont know if this is controlling behaviour or if im just whinging about nothing! basically DP works full time and i dont but he still insists on making dinner every night to the point where he wont actually LET me unless he has to. If i start making dinner he will take over half way through or stand there saying im doing it wrong or need to this and that or make "suggestions" etc. he often says stuff to me like "you wont be able to make the pork the night i work late so we will have to find something easy for you to cook, maybe puta pizza in the oven?" I feel like a child being looked after by my dad. he bought some lamb the other day and was working late that night but was so frightened to death that i would cook it whilst he was out that he put it in the slow cooker before he went to work. Last night he had to go out and i was meant to be cooking dinner so he said "would you be able to make tuna pasta bake?" i was like "yeah, I learnt that in school thanks" so he gets everything out for me (honestly, as if id have trouble fnding the ingredients myself) and started pacing around before turning on the oven and starting to make it. I said "i was supposed to be making it" and he said "i know, but i thought id save you a job" so he made sure it was all cooked before he went out. if I tell people they're like "aww thats sweet, hes so helpful" but i feel a bit like a child, like im not to be trusted in the kicten or I need someone looking after me. Ive tried telling him i lived on my own for 5 years before we got together but he just says he likes to "help"
hes the same with the shopping though, he'll only buy stuff HE wants to buy, I suggested wagon wheels last week for the kids pack up and was told "no, im not buying anything like that this week" hello, im an adult too, perhaps I should have some say since half of what you're spending is mine?? or am I just being a whinge?

I think you've got a legitimate cause of complaint if he won't treat you like an equal adult.

There's something about the tone of your post that makes it sound like your (justified) frustration at him is being expressed in a kind of teenagery, sarcastic way, which doesn't help the dynamic. Just assert yourself in an adult, dignified way. I will be cooking this tonight. I will be buying Wagon Wheels.

What happens when you don't do things his way?

he'd go in a mood, say i was being childish, would say stuff like "dont ask me to help ever again" etc. tbh I've challanged him on so few occasions i dont really know how he would react.

Sounds like he's the childish one!

It could be a dynamic he has inherited from childhood - by any chance, is he an oldest child and you a youngest one?

I think you need to have a serious conversation about it, tell him what you feel and that you need to be treated like an equal adult.

If he listens and makes an effort, well and good. If not, you have to consider what you can live with and what you can't.

He's actually a younger child and i'm an older child but there is abig age gap between us, i'm 29 and he is 38 but his mother is very controlling and i think he has inherited it from her, hes very stubborn and petty also which is like her. for instance he knew i spent £24 on his birthday present so he refused to spend anymore than £24 on mine, it had to be exactly the same, he would never have spent more. i bought him a takeaway treat on his birthday too and he said hed do the same for me (afterwards, this wasnt a condition of me doing it, and i didnt expect it back, that was his idea) and anyway because what he bought on his birthday came to £4.20 he told me that I could choose anything upto £4.20 on my birthday. thats how petty and controlling he can be.

Why are you with him exactly?. What attracted you to him in the first place?. He is an immature and controlling manchild.

You really do not want to spend the next six months to a year living like this. This is also a poor role model for your own children to follow.

What are you teaching them about relationships here?. It is not okay for them either to see you being demeaned in such a manner.

Whose idea was it to move in together in the first place?.

Controlling behaviour too is abusive behaviour. Read "Why does he do that?" written by Lundy Bancroft. Controlling men are often angry men as well. As you rightly stated he has inherited these traits from his mother who you state is herself controlling. Did you think you could somehow change him?.

That sounds awful to live with, tbh.

I don't want to say "run for the hills!" based on this, but it doesn't sound like a loving, supportive type of relationship.

Oh God...my ex used to keep a notebook of what he spent. If he bought me something while we were out (crisps- not designer dresses) he would give me an invoice at the end off the week asking for his money back. Talk to him- this isn't normal behaviour, don't let yourself be treated as an inferior being. You are not.

lazarusb, mine does that too. last week i asked him to pick me some deodrant up and he did but when he got back he told me i "owed him £1" and then I also owed him 50p for half of the orange juice carton he'd just bought for us to share.

Blimey. Sounds like he has to be in control to me. Sounds bloody awful to live with as well tbh.

The cooking thing would hack me right off. What so you are not allowed to eat until 'oh lord and master' gets home and does it all.

I would go ahead and do whatever for meals, then serve it to him when he gets in. If he doesn't like it, tell him you will do your (and DCs if you have them) tea and he can do his own. I wouldn't put up with being told what to do in this way.

I also wouldn't tell him what I had spent on presents. His attitude to that is bloody ridiculous.

nitcomb

I guess you yourself do not know why you are with him anymore.

What are you getting out of this so called relationship now?.

I've just ordered "why does he do that".
while we've lived together i reckon i have cooked around 4 meals and most of them was under his watchful eye. its got to the point ehwere im kind of scared of cooking incase i cock it up and he can turn around and say "see yous hould have let me do it, told you do". im losing all confidence with things.

sorry meercat, crossed post. we do have good times together too, we have a laugh and we have the same future plans and interests. its just the way he treats me like a kid and sulks and makes me do stuff i dont want to do or stops me doing stuff. i think hes scared of me doing too much incase i become too independant and stop needing him maybe.

is this controlling?

YES

yes, it is controlling.

and I suspect that when you think about it, you'll find other weird things he does/says which are in fact controlling you.

The "good times" are not enough to outweigh the serious power and control problems in your relationship.

Also abusers like this man (controlling behaviour is abusive behaviour) do not have to act "nasty" all the time to keep their victim in check. They can also do "nice" but the facade soon crumbles and they revert back to the usual nice/nasty pattern. Its a continuous circle.

I reckon he has lots of friends and is highly plausible to those in the outside world. These people often are.

If a friend was telling you all this what would your response be?.

Also the very fact too that your own confidence in being undermined by him is a very serious problem. Why do you allow this to happen?.

You lived on your own and managed fine without him, you can do so again but you need to plan your exit from him with care.

Womens Aid are also helpful in these circumstances.

Also this whole controlling set up is teaching your children damaging lessons with regards to relationships. They are learning from both of you. You would not want your DD or DS to be in a controlling relationship would you?. No.

If you stay with him he will destroy any self confidence, esteem and self worth you have left then it will even harder for you then to leave him. This is what he wants; he does not love you at all really but sees you as his possessions.

I'm afraid to say this is very controlling. No one should have power in your life to make you lose confidence in yourself. I have learned the hard way to make sure any relatioships I have are equal.

I'm not sure the best way to tackle this. If you feel you can talk to him about it then do. He needs to understand how this is making you feel and back off.

He as well will be unlikely to listen to your reasonably put entreaties/pleas to treat you better. His attitudes are too deeply entrenched.

Get rid of him before he destroys your self confidence completely. I never say get rid lightly but in your case it is the only way forward here.

No he actually likes his steak rare, practically dripping with blood infact! its not just this, theres loads of stuff that are either wierd or completely not normal like the money thing but also if he knows ive had something while i was out (like a steak bake from the bakery) he will suddenly develop a 'need' for one when he gets in from work and he'll go and buy one. its like hes saying "ha, thought you could get something without me, think again!"

He sounds completely barking.

One time I bought 2 packets of crisps for the kids (and one for myself as I was in all day with them) and when he got home he asked where his was. I said i didn't think hed be bothered about a packet of crisps so he went in a major huff saying i never think of him and then actually ate one of the packet of crisps to make a point.

He is completely barking.