Is this controlling?

[nitcomb]

dont know if this is controlling behaviour or if im just whinging about nothing! basically DP works full time and i dont but he still insists on making dinner every night to the point where he wont actually LET me unless he has to. If i start making dinner he will take over half way through or stand there saying im doing it wrong or need to this and that or make "suggestions" etc. he often says stuff to me like "you wont be able to make the pork the night i work late so we will have to find something easy for you to cook, maybe puta pizza in the oven?" I feel like a child being looked after by my dad. he bought some lamb the other day and was working late that night but was so frightened to death that i would cook it whilst he was out that he put it in the slow cooker before he went to work. Last night he had to go out and i was meant to be cooking dinner so he said "would you be able to make tuna pasta bake?" i was like "yeah, I learnt that in school thanks" so he gets everything out for me (honestly, as if id have trouble fnding the ingredients myself) and started pacing around before turning on the oven and starting to make it. I said "i was supposed to be making it" and he said "i know, but i thought id save you a job" so he made sure it was all cooked before he went out. if I tell people they're like "aww thats sweet, hes so helpful" but i feel a bit like a child, like im not to be trusted in the kicten or I need someone looking after me. Ive tried telling him i lived on my own for 5 years before we got together but he just says he likes to "help"
hes the same with the shopping though, he'll only buy stuff HE wants to buy, I suggested wagon wheels last week for the kids pack up and was told "no, im not buying anything like that this week" hello, im an adult too, perhaps I should have some say since half of what you're spending is mine?? or am I just being a whinge?

Bloody hell, I don't know how you can live with this.

Yes, his behaviours are extremely controlling. As they seem to be all centred around food & money, it seems he has some freakishly deep-seated stuff going on with "the daily bread". Food and money are often metaphors for love, so on some level (a level with a very uneven floor) he is, perhaps, trying to control the flow of love in your relationship.

I was going to suggest giving yourself a crash-course in Transactional Analysis, then frog-marching him to a psychoanalyst. But frankly your life sounds like enough of a pain already. I don't feel you should put yourself through any more of this crap for the sake of a slim chance he could be fixed. Don't fix himself. Fix yourself. Start planning your divorce - and buy Wagon Wheels!

Seems strange reading your post - I could have written it myself! I've recently seperated from my partner for the exact same reasons - it started with me not being trusted to cook, and not being allowed to buy foods that i wanted, and with every penny being counted (if i spent any money on the joint account without his knowledge, even £3, i would get the third degree about it!. THings gradually got worse, so that i'd be rushing home from work incase i got 'told off' for being late, I'd be made to feel like a naughty child because I smoke, I felt I couldn't go out etc etc.
Three months ago we seperated, because I couldnt stand being made to feel that way any longer. I was losing all my confidence and becoming depressed. I am so much happier now, despite being a single mum of a toddler. I can eat what i want, get home when i want, go to bed when i want.
THis post may not be much help to you, but please please dont let things get as bad as i did.

Yes, he's controlling. And it may well be down to childhood issues. However, you are not responsible for any distress he suffered in his childhood.
You could try standing up to him and saying 'I'm doing it, thanks,' or indeed 'Stop being a knob', but TBH he will probably react badly - his idea of himself as your boss/owner clearly goes very deep with him.
Find out all the necessary information on leaving him ie benefits, maintenance etc, make a plan - ringing Women's Aid will help if need be. Best of luck. He does NOT own you, you are not a naughty child who needs to be told what to do by him and you can get away.

agree he's crazy nutso.

definitely controlling and i thought OCD when reading about the cooking/money.

do you want to stand up to him? or can you imagine just putting up with it long term?

does he ever get aggressive?

I had a boss like this, he used to check how clean people's coffee cups were.

He was/is insane and to be avoided at all costs.

You could try saying "go away" and "it doesn't matter" if you want to see his head explode, but frankly: RUN AWAY NOW

He's very childish and controlling too. You sound very unhappy with him and it cant be good for the children either. Think about what is best for them and yourself.

Relationships should be fun, make you happy and improve your life.

Not stop you buying, cooking and eating what you want and making notes about who spent 12p that day.

What attracted you to this man, why are you with him?

Yes, my XP was like this too! I remember our first Christmas, we agreed to spend around £100 on each other, he didn't know what to get me so got me to choose something - I found a nice digital camera I wanted and gave him a few options - slightly different models, some with memory card, some with a case, etc, so it would still be a surprise. He insisted on telling me which one he was getting, and then left it a bit late to order it, so the deal had ended and the price had gone up from £130ish (which he said was fine) to about £160 (which he STILL insisted was fine), then proceeded to have a huge strop when I didn't spend exactly the same amount on his present. I got fed up in the end and said we might as well have just bought ourselves something if he was going to be so petty about it.

He also used to leave no food in the house (or only food I couldn't eat, like stuff I was allergic to) and would refuse to pick up food on the way home, and leave me no access to money to get myself food. I would have to wait until he got home (sometimes not until 10pm) and then we'd always end up having a takeaway. I was 7 months pregnant at the time. And I STILL said at the time "Oh he's not controlling! He's just very stubborn, lol"

I lived like this too, although it wasn't as extreme. It is so incredibly wearing, and once you're aware of it, it becomes even more so. I could barely stand to look at XH by the end of our marriage.

Now with someone who is completely different. It's lovely. Don't put up with this shit any longer, it won't get better ime.

Oh wow Nitcomb...
Check out the narcisstic personality disorder (NPD) websites, too.

I am glad you will read Why Does He Do That?

Try looking up anger issues too. There is a book I read that was helpful called Anger Management: Six Critical Steps to a Calmer Life by Peter Favaro (amazon).
That book describes anger based in frustration, which you may be experiencing; and anger based on predatory agendas, which may be an element in your partner's (not husband?) motivations. That he is so much older than you kind of suggests some kind of dominance factor.

I suggested NPD because of the "dance" around gifts. There is always a dance with my sister's gift giving, I'm at the point of not doing gifts of any sort with her anymore.

That you had to ask if this was controlling is a serious red flag. He is undermining your ability to make a correct assessment...leading you to the point of not making assessments at all. Does he ridicule or degrade or dismiss everything you say or do?

Sorry to make a label for him, but imho, he is a self-esteem vampire.

Also, everything Atilla said.

How long have you been with him?
Perhaps it has been "long enough".

is there someoneelse you can go and stay with for a while, to give you time to think about your next move? time to find somewhere, someone you can rely on. good luck, he sounds not good.

I lived with someone like this. He used to put his key in the door if I was 5 mins later than I said so I couldn't get my key to work. He would fly into rages if I didn't wear what he wanted me to wear (this was a very recurrent theme in our relationship). He would get equally angry if I wasn't sufficiently amusing/entertaining/good humoured etc when he was displaying me to his awful friends. I ended up very depressed.

HI.. You must be aware that each time you wrote something else about DH, the weirder he sounded. A lot of the posts have come from women who WERE in similar situations - but are now out of them. I reckon very soon you will need to check out your options. One of them , in my opinion, is confronting DH and making ultimatum that unless he gets help for his 'problems' then you're off. Following the theme I lived with someone similar too. But it is difficult to see the complete situation when you're immersed in it.
I know for many years I accepted it, telling myself that all the things didn't really matter as we had good times as well. Finally when our relationship was in touching distance of 20 years, I felt panicked at the thought of another 20 years with him. Without boring you with the details I left and now have full time custody of kids.
Now that I'm out of it and with a lovely new husband I cringe at what I accepted.
I hope you are able to take a step back and make the decision that you will no longer accept how he treats you.
PS My XH was 12 years older and I married very young - he's now with someone 27 years younger than him. Do such men typically target younger women?

"One time I bought 2 packets of crisps for the kids (and one for myself as I was in all day with them) and when he got home he asked where his was. I said i didn't think hed be bothered about a packet of crisps so he went in a major huff saying i never think of him and then actually ate one of the packet of crisps to make a point."

He is very controlling and you are letting him (not saying its your fault btw, he is being clever and not doing it in a very direct way, "you can't wear that" etc, unless he does say that) by being too afraid to cook because he will tell you how it should be done. He has got you where he wants you and will carry on. He will not change. You need to make your mind up if you want to be controlled like this.

I can't get over that crisp incident tbh. Totally nuts. I couldn't be with someone like this. What is he like with the children?

how are you nitcomb?

Yes he's controlling.

And it's making you lose your confidence

And he knows it.

The x always criticised my cooking even tho I'm actually a cook who runs a busy pub-kitchen and can do it with my eyes shut.

Does he have other little daily digs at you? Like 'you're lazy' or 'you don't sit up straight enough' or 'you can't dance'? You'll know what I mean if he does it.

It'll go on and on and on until you go a bit mad and either he wins or you get the hell out of there.

I agree he sounds like a nutso. Especially the "chips incident".

But what occurred to me as I read the post about him controlling the cooking was that quite often, women will do this to their men. That is, they belittle their attempts at cooking, or they take over when they're changing a nappy or if they're 'holding the baby wrong'. All I'm saying is is that we often accept controlling behaviour in women and see it as quite normal. Quite often our society sees it as normal to undermine men's attempts at tasks in the home (hence, advertisements on tv with men inevitably mixing a red sock in with the white wash and looking sheepish, etc). I don't know how often my MIL has berated my FIL for doing something wrong in the kitchen, but it happens a lot, and it's the same as what the OP described in her original post.

Kiwi - have to agree - if DH is looking after the children I am always checking up to make sure he has changed the nappy/given them a beaker of water/put them down for a sleep etc. I often, for example, turn the oven down if he has put in on too hot, and switch it off after he has finished with it (he often leaves the oven on by accident, or leaves the fridge/freezer door not shut properly)

But, the crisps? The spending the same amount ? It is not normal or healthy at all IMHO. Sounds to be like a child/sibling who feels 'done' that the other always gets more/better and isn't 'fair'.

Does he do all the shopping and the cooking? What else does he do or monitor? Wondering whether he checks on how clean stuff is, asks you to justify jobs you haven't found time for, etc.

Another veteran of the kitchen wars here. ExH used to hover while I cooked or baked, complaining/whining at me "Why can't you ever put anything away?" and would put stuff back in the cupboard that I still needed for my recipe, or would dramatically take utensils I was still using and wash them. It drove me up the wall. I often just left the wooden spoon in the pot and drifted off, leaving him to get on with the cooking and constant cleaning. We often sat at the table waiting for him while he fussed ostentatiously at cleaning the kitchen, long after he had finished cooking the meal -- no more of that nonsense in my life now.

His mother was a domineering cow, and he picked up so many bad habits of mind and heart from her. Grace, what an insight wrt food/love/money.

There's probably no hope for him -- he seems stuck at a place far younger than his actual age. But you might have a little fun with him by insisting that he is under no circumstances to do his usual thing in bed, that you don't trust him to get it right, and he must do exactly as he's told, and then complain that his performance is not up to par? Or would that be too cruel.

Yes, women do this, but maybe mostly if they are the SAHP, and home and babies are their 'turf', their workplace and their work, in a way. They don't go to the H's place of work and dive in for sales calls or driving a forklift truck or drafting someone's last will and testament. I know home is home for both parties, and I think it's got to be annoying for the men, though. But, on the other hand, it gets annoying for a woman (me, for instance) to find that anything that could go wrong has gone wrong while you thought you could go out on your own and do the grocery shopping in peace...

I think he is very controlling, and that he would find it incredibly hard to change.

Kiwi is right - I do this occasionally to my dh (start clearing up around him, questioning his food choices) and he just tells me to naff off out of the kitchen, stop treating him as 'the stupid dh who knows no better'. I slink off knowing I've been daft and wrong. I would challenge your dp when he does the controlling behaviour, as an adult - get annoyed and don't accept it's better to stay quiet. Assert your equality. Give it a go for at least a few days and then judge if the reactions you received improved over time. If they did, you have a direction to go in, if they didn't or if every challenge ended up in WW3, you need to think about professional help for your dp.

Yes Kiwi is right, that women sometimes do display some of these things but there is one vital difference, do you do it because you are afraid of him or his reaction?
Although women do get angry as well, the vast majority of abuse in relationships is man to woman. This does sound very much like an abusive relationship-the main theme being power and control-please read the Lundy book, read several times, think about your life, it is really hard to stop making excuses for someone you love who behaves badly to you but you will not change him and no matter what his life has been like his mum etc, he chooses to do what he does to you-it is his and only his responsibility, he acts how he wants, he could choose to be different, but he doesn't. You probably know deep down that you have a hard decision to make, but listen to the advice of women who have been there, it is a matter of time, it will become more frequent, you will give one more chance over and over, what will he have to do to get you to realise he is abusive? Emotional abuse is as damaging as physical abuse,
be strong

Nitcomb - As ever I'd like to give a man's perspective on this.

He's a fucking whack diddly doo dah ding dong doolally wap dap a dooni nit nat nutcase.

A few curly wurlies short of a newsagent.

More mad than Mr Mad of Maddington in the land of Madolva in the Mad region of Maddia.