Is this controlling?

[nitcomb]

dont know if this is controlling behaviour or if im just whinging about nothing! basically DP works full time and i dont but he still insists on making dinner every night to the point where he wont actually LET me unless he has to. If i start making dinner he will take over half way through or stand there saying im doing it wrong or need to this and that or make "suggestions" etc. he often says stuff to me like "you wont be able to make the pork the night i work late so we will have to find something easy for you to cook, maybe puta pizza in the oven?" I feel like a child being looked after by my dad. he bought some lamb the other day and was working late that night but was so frightened to death that i would cook it whilst he was out that he put it in the slow cooker before he went to work. Last night he had to go out and i was meant to be cooking dinner so he said "would you be able to make tuna pasta bake?" i was like "yeah, I learnt that in school thanks" so he gets everything out for me (honestly, as if id have trouble fnding the ingredients myself) and started pacing around before turning on the oven and starting to make it. I said "i was supposed to be making it" and he said "i know, but i thought id save you a job" so he made sure it was all cooked before he went out. if I tell people they're like "aww thats sweet, hes so helpful" but i feel a bit like a child, like im not to be trusted in the kicten or I need someone looking after me. Ive tried telling him i lived on my own for 5 years before we got together but he just says he likes to "help"
hes the same with the shopping though, he'll only buy stuff HE wants to buy, I suggested wagon wheels last week for the kids pack up and was told "no, im not buying anything like that this week" hello, im an adult too, perhaps I should have some say since half of what you're spending is mine?? or am I just being a whinge?

I think Coolfonz hit the nail on the head. REally why are you with him?

My dp is quite controlling and likes to be in charge but alot of the problem is that I let him because I am very submissive around him and hate making any decisions. I think over time our natural personalities i.e. him bossy me submissive have just led us into this really bad role of him always being in charge.

He gets cross with me sometimes always expecting him to make all the decisions so luckily he is aware of it and I do need to take a course or something in how to be more assertive because like has already been said I'm not setting a good example for the dc's as they always listen to their dad more than me bcause he is more in charge and they know it. It is causing major behavioural problems in both my ds and my dd copying both of our behaviour.

thanks to everyone who replied and gave advice. I am at a lose end really this has gone on so long i just don't know how to handle it when it happens and i always end up feeling like the petty one. After i posted the OP, i waited for him to come home from work and tested his reacting on a few things. I said "i think its about time i shared the cooking, id like to do a bit more in the kitchen". He grunted and then said "well, you can cook something thursday night when i work late, cant you?" so i said "no i mean i want to cook more, not just when you say im allowed on certain nights etc" he replied "yeah well you're not doing all the cooking because i like to do it as well, you know how i enjoy it". so I suggested half and half. he seemed to agree but i don't think he'll allow that to continue for long.
Anyway we also have a "groceries" tin where we each put our contribution for shopping when we get paid. ive noticed he has made a habbit of taking all the money everytime he goes shopping and i think this is a way of controlling the grocery money. So i said to him "im going to pop to tesco tomorow, do a bit of shopping". he looked mortified and said "no! i mean, we already have all the shopping for this week" so i said "yeah but im going to tesco and im going to take the grocery money just incase i see anything, like you do". I could tell he hated this and came up with a million excuses of why I couldn't go to tesco, he needed the car, he needed to come with me etc etc. ashamed to say i gave in in the end and he came with me.
But yeah there are other controlling things like when I make spaghetti bolognese ive always used the dolmio jars. he always used the powder things and so my way is WRONG and he refuses to buy the jars. he said the other day i couldn't make spaghetti bolognese tonight as i wouldnt use the powders. i said "ill go and buy a jar" and he replied "but i dont use jars". I said "i do, and its me doing the cooking, remember?" and so i got the usual "urgh, gross, horrible jar crap, disgusting, i wont be having any tea that night" etc etc all designed to make me give in.
This morning, he even took over me making some toast.

also someone made an interesting point earlier on when they said about him being obsessed with everything being fair as he felt hard done to in the past. hes always going on about how his sister got better treated than he did, how she had more opportunities and got more out of their childhood

I think you talk about it too much.

See, I don't tell DH I'm going to pick up some groceries; I pick up some groceries. And I don't tell him what I'm going to make and how I plan to make it - I make it.

As for the cooking, just get started and if he starts hanging around making suggestions, give him jobs to do - chopping veg, peelings spuds or whatever - so that you can share the task. I think you need to be calm and assertive with him, showing by your reactions how childish he is being.

You're right i do over-complicate everything. That's because in this house everything is a massive deal. if im upstairs too long i get accusessed of being in a mood for instance. if i was to just get the car keys and go off to tesco without saying a word it would cause world war 3. tbh though isnt it just normal common curtesy to let your over half know where your going if you pop out and hes home too? or am i being soft again?

Well, yes - if I am going out and he is at home, of course I tell him where I am going (although not in an asking permission way - I'll just say, 'I'm popping out to get a paper, do you need anything?') - but in your previous post, you said that you were discussing a Tesco trip you were planning the next day, not in five minutes time. That's what I meant about talking about it too much. Don't you ever just pop in to Tesco on your way home from somewhere? - or do you always have to clear it with him in advance?

DH and I plan what we'll get in the weekly shop, but other than that I wouldn't think to say, 'Oh, I need milk tomorrow, and while I'm there, I'm going to pick up some Wagon Wheels and possibly a copy of Now magazine if I fancy it...' - he'd look at me as if I was an absolute loon!

lol I see what you mean it does sound crazy when you put it like that. i do sometimes pop into tesco on the way back from somewhere but i dont tend to buy anything for the family, just "me" out of my own money. to be fair hes never said im not allowed to touch the grocery tin, i cant explain it, its like subconciously we both know hes in charge of that and i dont want him to be anymore.

It is common courtesy to let your other half know where you're going, you're right; but you can take the grocery money, put on your coat, pick up hte car keys and THEN say "I'm off to Tesco's". You could add "anything you want?" but you don't have to.

Ah you seem to be married to my X's long lost half brother (made sure that his wedding ring cost the same as my engagement ring WTF was I thinking, going ahead to marry this man??) You either need help as a couple or you need to get away. This probably isn't going to get better on its own, it is more likely to get worse.

Nitcomb - honestly, your relationship sounds horribly controlling.
It's way off the normal scale. It is not you being soft, it is him completely controlling you.
Please do some reading about abusive behaviours. I'm crap with links, but just google 'emotional abuse' and I'm sure you will find plenty that is relevant.
My H is pretty bad, also about cooking funnily enough, but I wonder how you cope with this day to day. How do your children react to this? Are they very young? Would you like your daughter to put up with this? Or your son to act like this to his partner?

Do you spend a good deal of time recovering from or anticipating every-run in with this man?

I second the advice of those who point out that you are telling him far too much, and that this is essentially giving him the right of veto over your plans. You need to make yourself mysterious. When you announce your plans, you're giving him power.

Co-dependency is a coping mechanism, and you've developed it because maybe you see no other way of making this semblance of a relationship 'work'. Here's one article on co-dependency for starters. Google the term and you'll find lots more articles, maybe even some reading material. "Co-dependent No More" by Melodie Beattie is a good read.

You are both stuck in your own ruts, but yours is an easier one to break free from.

SleepingLion, I think that came up because boxy nitcomb is trying to test her partner's reactions.

But, this is ridiculous. The money thing is ridiculous, the fact that he always has to be front and centre, the fact that he makes you doubt yourself. It's classic gaslighting, and you know he does this in loads and loads of ways. It doesn't matter what his motivations are, the point is that he wants to remind me, in every single conceivable way, that the household runs on his rules and not yours.

Does he save this outrageous behaviour for you or does he treat his colleagues at work like this too?