How do you get over the guilt of leaving H and splitting up a family.

[howsad]

Ive been on here a bit lately. I have now decided that I definitely want to leave my H. He is very upset and angry using the kids as blackmail, saying inappropriate things in front of them and getting violent towards me in front of them.

Despite this I feel so guilty - My friends and family think I am crazy for leaving him saying they understand his anger and it my fault that he is like this due to a relationship I have formed with another man.

Under no circumstances will OM be moving in to the house or meeting my children for a long time providing things work out between us.

I just cant bring myself to love my H I try but its just not there. I feel so guilty I cry with the guilt. I know I'll lose friends and upset my wider family so why cant I just stay with my H.

I'm giving up a lovely home but for the first time in my life a big house and being able to have what I want materially is just not what I want, the idea of having someone who would really care about me and adore me seems to me to be the happier option. Am I just a very selfish person???

Well if you were unhappy with him you should havd left him before forming a r'ship with another man

so it's understanable friends and family are hurt and upset

but now you've done it it's up to you to make sure you and your children are happy, have a good r'ship with your ex, prove friends and family wrong by showing how happy and settled you are on your new path

Sometimes its very easy to stay with your husband for the the easy life, the easier option and it keeps everyone else happy, i have done this for 4 years now except now i have also decided to leave my husband, albeit 4 years later then i should have and the reason i have made this decision is mainly because ive become friendly with someone else and realised that even if nothing comes of it the fact i have been talking to this other man proves to me that i am not happy with my husband....its very easy for people to tell you your wrong or you should have done it earlier but if deep down your not happy eventually your happiness has to come first....ive put my daughters happiness before mine for years. I dont know how you get over the guilt as i havent as yet told my husband.....

Good Luck hun xx

Sometimes, meeting someone else is what gives us the strength to end a relationship that is no good. Sometimes we didn't even realise it was no good until we get a glimpse of what life could be like - then our eyes open to what we had previously been trying to ignore. Maybe this thing with the OM will fizzle out, or not be what you expected, but it has served a purpose if it has shown what was missing in your life.

It may be understandable that he is angry as you have found someone else. But really, if a man wants his wife to love him, knocking her about in front of the kids is not a great way to go about it. To me it proves that your H is not a nice person at all, nor is he worthy of your love. A loveable man might very well be hurt by your actions, but would surely do anything to prevent the children suffering too - and would not turn violent. There is no excuse for that type of behaviour.

You need new friends and family. Shame they can't be there for you.

You just have to have the courage of your own convictions. There will always be some who have a go, tough on them.

This was never going to be easy. I was in the same situation as you (more or less) in 1995. I took a lot of criticism and did a lot of crying but it's the best decision I ever made. I am still with OM -I'd only known him for 9 weeks at the time- We have been married now for 12 years , have 2 lovely dcs of our own and he has a strong relationship with my son from previous relationship . It's bloody hard in all sorts of ways but there's no point staying in an unhappy relationship. Here for you x

DOn't feel guilty. YOur H is the one who should be feeling guilty for his abusive behaviour. YOu have every right to leave him for another man - or to be by yourself.

Don't feel guilty - we can't chose who we love and I'm sure you've done everything you could to make it work.

That said, you have to recognise the way your H is feeling - anyone whose spouse has an affair/falls for someone else is going to be devastated and say and do some innappropriate things. (Not that it excuses poor behaviour but most of us have been there - and I'm assuming that he is only being like this because of the affair - if he's violent anyway ignore me and go with SGB - and certainly don't accept any level of violence or put yourself in any danger out of guilt.)

Could you put the relationship with the OM completely on hold while you sort out the break-up with as much compassion as you can muster? Maybe try mediation to sort out some of the financial issues, arrangements for children etc?

I am also in the process of leaving H after probably 4 years of trying to persuade myself I could make it work out. We have a toddler who loves his dad and his dad loves him, but he sees dad make his mum cry and hugs me to cheer me up. He is more grown up than his parents. Sadly leaving H at my great age means I will never have another baby and our toddler will never have a brother or sister. Can I watch him grow up knowing that if only I had arranged my life better he would not have been an only child, and will I be able to explain to him why he has no brothers and sisters? Can I really go through with separating from H knowing it means I will never have another baby? I am sure it is wrong to stay only to try for another baby though.

A pity your friends and family are not around to see him knocking you around or trying to put the children in a terrible position..

There's guilt in staying too, if your children see abuse happening as a result. No matter what you do, once there are children involved, you'll feel bad. Try to put your DCs first when the time comes, and take the new relationship slowly, even though you are bound to feel very needy and inclined to believe things are perfect by comparison to the old, for their sakes. It's lovely to feel that someone adores you and cares about you, but you all need something solid, not a fairy tale.

He was drinking again last night - I suppose to help deal with the pain, but he ended up walloping me and shouting so loudly he was very frightening. I am more determined than ever its the right thing to do - to leave.

I am now looking for somewhere to live. The hard bit is going to be the actual moving out, how hard will it be for him when he is in the house on his own. So bloody sad. Ive been to relate who were brilliant and I'm going to continue with the one to one sessions.

Today three good friends have phoned me offering support and saying they admire my strength. One wishing she had the courage to do the same.

How about calling the police if he hits you? It's possible he is drinking to give himself the excuse that he was drunk when he decided to hit you/ hurt you. It's like giving himself permission to cross lines/ commit a crime (which is what assault is).

Glad your friends are now coming round to your side.

The hard part for you is not really what he does or feels when he is alone. He is responsible for what he does and how he reacts, not you.

The hard part may be for you to assert yourself and call the police if or when he threatens or assaults you again. Don't hesitate to get an order against him when you move out or even sooner. They're not a watertight guarantee of safety by any means but they mean the police must take infringements seriously.

Good to hear you've got some back up and are taking steps to move on. All the best, when times are tough just remind yourself of the misery you've had, you deserve better.

The horrible guilty feeling may take years to pass but eventually it does. . . . I too felt really bad for splitting up with my DC's father... . .its the last thing you want for them. . But in the long run hopefully you will be happier and so will they.

Everyone around me thinks I have lost the plot and am suffering from depression because I have decided to move out. The guilt I feel is overwhelming but to constantly hear negative opinions makes it so much harder.

Is it so wrong to love someone else and leave my husband.

I dont think you are selfish, I do feel very sorry for your H as well though. Unfortunately this is life, it will be tough for you. Try to be kind, ensure he gets acess and good luck. I think you are being quite brave

My H has now started to be calmer about it and talks in a more positive way about how we can be good parents to the children whilst living apart. But this makes me feel worse - makes me feel even more guilty if that is possible.

I believe that the OM will be there 100% by my side,everyone around me thinks I'm mad - totally lost the plot.

howsad - hi! Partly responding to this and the message you left me on the other thread! The only way I have managed to get over the guilt is through the one to one sessions I had with relate and working through in mind what I wanted for me. When we become parents, the last thing we think about is ourselves. The children always come first. Imagine though, staying in your relationship and never being happy. That feeling is going to rub off on the children and in the long run be harmful to them. It's better to be happy - a happy parent makes happy children.

As for how ex H reacted when I moved out, he was controlling over the whole situation (as I knew he would be!) watching my every move and following me around watching what I was packing. He was angry to start with but now 4 months on he seems much less angry as moving out has enabled us both to move on with our lives. We're both seeing other people now and he seems a lot happier. We still haven't agreed on the financial settlement for the divorce so that is still a bone of contention. He sees the boys one night a week and every other weekend and that seems to work well.

The one thing I had to realise is that there is always going to be someone upset by your actions .... but true friends will be by your side no matter what you choose. I couldnt' bear the thought of what his parents would think of me and what they would be saying about me - but at the end of the day, am I realicstically going to have a relationship with them anymore and does it really matter? It's far more important for me and my children that I am happy.

Feeling for you, take care x

Thank you Imtheonlyone.

I'm having weekly relate sessions on my own which I find a great help. I feel in my heart I'm doing the right thing, i just find it difficult to see my H hurting so much and to hear such negative responses from my family about it. Im sure in time things will work out for all.

Thanks for your reply.

You're welcome - I never know if what I say helps but I think knowing you're not the only one going through this that seems to help.

If you feel in your heart it is right, then it will be. My XH begged me - he was sobbing and sitting at my feet - begging me to stay with him! But it was all too late for me. It was awful seeing him like that - really can't tell you how awful it was. It nearly made me change my mind. but I had to be strong. It took me two years to get to my decision and I knew in my heart that it was never going to work. He had been a very unaffectionate lover the whole time we were together and in 10 years together this was the first time I had seen him cry! I think it was a pride thing with him and that he didn't want to admit his marriage had failed and that his wife had left him. What a loss of face to his mates!! Well I'm sorry, he had plenty of time to put right the relationship - chose not to come to relate with me and try to work things out. So what was I supposed to do? Be unhappy forever?? I think not!

Luckily for me, my family were totally behind me in what I chose to do and that really did help. And now I've met someone new who is loving and kind and affectionate - it's sooo nice and makes me realise the compromises I made with my XH - I know I won't ever do that again!

I hope you're Ok and remember you're not alone going through this, there's always someone there to listen and help xx

thank you so much for sharing your experiences with me, apart from me meeting the other man which I know is wrong your story is similar to what I am going through.

Meeting the other person I know has caused a lot of pain for my H but it has also shown me what it is like to be cared for and to be given attention, he adores me and I love it. I've never felt so good ever. Im constantly being told once the honey moon period wears off I'll 100% regret leaving my H and home.

I dont believe I will but time will tell.

You can't live your life how other people think you should.

I did that. Took years and years to get over it. Nearly there..

Hear hear Fabisgoingtogetfit!! Couldn't agree more! It's YOUR life at the end of the day. And what's more, you only get one of them, this is no dress rehearsal!!!!!!

Let us know how you get on, I'll be checking!!

Thinking of you x