How do you get over the guilt of leaving H and splitting up a family.

[howsad]

Ive been on here a bit lately. I have now decided that I definitely want to leave my H. He is very upset and angry using the kids as blackmail, saying inappropriate things in front of them and getting violent towards me in front of them.

Despite this I feel so guilty - My friends and family think I am crazy for leaving him saying they understand his anger and it my fault that he is like this due to a relationship I have formed with another man.

Under no circumstances will OM be moving in to the house or meeting my children for a long time providing things work out between us.

I just cant bring myself to love my H I try but its just not there. I feel so guilty I cry with the guilt. I know I'll lose friends and upset my wider family so why cant I just stay with my H.

I'm giving up a lovely home but for the first time in my life a big house and being able to have what I want materially is just not what I want, the idea of having someone who would really care about me and adore me seems to me to be the happier option. Am I just a very selfish person???

Thank you so much for your kind words, I feel much stronger this evening, I know in my heart its the right move, maybe now I've had those first shocked conversations with family members (today and yesterday)things will get better.

THANKS AGAIN.

Still waiting for the day that a husband goes on MN and tells them he's leaving his wife because he's found a more amenable replacement in the form of OW but he feels really sorry for himself and would like a bit of support

Also, his wife hit him over the head in a rage when she found out she was being betrayed and he's splitting up the family for another woman who will then continue to play happy families with her kids.

That's exactly what happened to one of my closest friends and I'd have happily held the fucker down while she kicked him in the nuts. The pain of the blue has taken her apart emotionally and 4 years on she is still angry and bitter about it and I don't blame her.

Glad you're feeling better about your cheating and putting your kids and husband through the wringer so that you can feel 'so good'.

Nothing wrong with leaving your H if it doesn't work out but coming on here to support you when you've brought this onto yourself, hurt your nearest and dearest and expect everyone to just suck it up is a bit much. Sorry for being so harsh but I have seen this up close with my friend and have experienced being cheated on myself.

out of the blue

You just do.

Some days you will feel like the evil witch and other days you will know you did the right thing.

Years down the line with an effortless smile on your face and those of your children you will know that what you did was the right thing.

Hey Kitty, you think she should have stayed?

Because sometimes we don't know that we must leave/can leave until we meet someone else.

However you look at it a woman hitting a man, unless she's massive and he's tiny, is never the same as a man hitting a woman.

The guilt doesn't ever completely go away, even when you know you did absolutely the right thing. I left my first H - he was never abusive, and is one of the good guys, but we were too young and too stressed and too skint and eventually he had a fling. I can't pretend it didn't affect our DCs - I know it did, especially DD who was 6 at the time. Years and years later all is well - Ex-H and I are good friends, I've remarried, he's about to remarry - but that guilt doesn't go. It doesn't mean you haven't made the right decision though.

I think you need to get on with it - don't drag things out. I rented a fleapit and slept on a sofa for 2 years - it's doable. But it sounds like you have to get your act together and just do it - stop faffing now.

No posie, I hear what you're saying but I think it's laughable to come on here and bleat about her hardship when quite frankly she could have done the honorable thing and moved out when she stopped loving him, not just when she found someone else to love. Isn't that what we say to the women who come on here who were wronged.

So if a woman does the cheating it's okay and she deserves support??

Violence should never happen in a relationship and I see what you mean but she wrote that he's been violent, not that he hit her. I agree with a man being stronger and possibly causing more harm but I don't think it's right for a girl to hit a bloke either. I'm just saying it can happen out of anger and pain and I think I can understand her H is grieving.

Everyone deserves support.

I agree Posie. Yes it is not ideal but this encounter seems to have made her stronger. Her DH sounds abusive and she cannot live like this. She deserves better. In an ideal world we would all finish with our current partners before embarking on new relationships but where abuse is present it is not always that easy. You can be worn down to the extent that you feel that this is your lot in life and that you need to just get on with it. Sometimes it takes meeting someone else to realise - hell you deserve better.

Kitty - your friend has been through a horrendous time but I bet she was not abusive and did not deserve this. The op's DH has been abusive and has not treated her right in years. She deserves happiness and I hope she finds it

My H came home last night full of drink - he was very abusive and belted me over the head three times and dragged me out of bed because of what I have done to him.

This was in front of our youngest child who was screaming.

He got up this morning as if nothing happend and he has now gone out for the day.

Hopefully I will be gone by next weekend.

Oh god Howsad - are you ok? Do you have somewhere to go next weekend? Could you have him removed from the house in the mean time? No matter what you have done you do not deserve this abuse and your children do not need to see this either. Have you tried Womens Aid?

Just phone the police and get him arrested.

Don't put up with this.

Stop feeling guilty.

Make sure you have it on file that he has been violent. So many women don't bother to report it and then when the blokes start messing them around, there is no official record that there is a history of violence.

A normal man doesn't suddenly start hitting his wife because she's leaving him - this guy has obviously been abusive for a long time and it's a good thing that you're leaving him - he obviously feels a massive sense of entitlement about how he has the right to treat you and that's not good for your children to grow up with.

FFS people - can you stop having a go at OP for her infidelity. So bloody what - can't you see how abusive her husband is being and that she and her DC are in danger at the moment. THERE IS NO EXCUSE FOR VIOLENCE.

howsad do not feel guilty!

Your husband is violent - therefore you need to be leaving him for this reason - it does not matter what you have done or not done.

Can I ask (as it may help others) - had he been violent/agressive before you found OM and decided to leave.

Just look at what has happened:

"using the kids as blackmail, saying inappropriate things in front of them and getting violent towards me in front of them"

"he ended up walloping me and shouting so loudly he was very frightening"

"he was very abusive and belted me over the head three times and dragged me out of bed because of what I have done to him. This was in front of our youngest child who was screaming."

Ideally call the police and get him removed from the house now. If you don't feel you can do this then call Women's Aid: 0808 2000 247.

Any reasonable, normal husband would not be using the situation as a reason to be violent or to upset the DCs - no matter how upset/angry he was - a good Dad just wouldn't do that.

Good luck - and stay safe.

flyingfool - you said of your own situation "Can I watch him grow up knowing that if only I had arranged my life better he would not have been an only child, and will I be able to explain to him why he has no brothers and sisters? Can I really go through with separating from H knowing it means I will never have another baby? I am sure it is wrong to stay only to try for another baby though."

There are lots and lots of one child families nowerdays for lots and lots of reasons. Go and have a look at the One Child Family topic on MN and order some books from Amazon (eg this or this.)

Maybe start your own thread in Relationships?

Can I just pick up on this - and sorry as it's a sort of hijack -

"However you look at it a woman hitting a man, unless she's massive and he's tiny, is never the same as a man hitting a woman."

So is violence acceptable or isn't it? In what way is it not the same? Because men are sub-human and don't feel pain, or humiliation, or shame?

Sorry OP, just feel very strongly about this point. You get yourself out of there.

OP - you deserve better than this. Go and enjoy life. Do not look back.

Your ex deserves all he gets. There is no excuse for abuse. He has driven you out. I'm sure you're feeling exhausted and unable to think but PLEASE PLEASE expect the worse from him and act to protect yourself. PLEASE

Please report this guy to the police.

There's never an excuse for violence.

OMG!! howsad - get him OUT!! You and your kids are in danger - there is no excuse for his behaviour NONE AT ALL.

Hope you're OK - am worried about you now. Call the police and have him removed ... please. And let us know how you are ...

Please phone the Police and file a report.

I am very worried that this may end very very badly.

If you can't do it for you, do it for your dcs.

Ive been out all day with the children just got home, he is not back yet, I dont expect to see him until after closing time at the pub / club.

He had been violent over the years, but over the years things calmed down a lot. We were a volatile couple I used to be quite fiery myself and would get very upset when he disappeared for days on end on benders.

I'm so annoyed with myself for not walking out years ago - just cant understand now why I stayed around other than I loved him.

I think that in recent years he stopped having so many benders and calmed down plus we had children so the arguments became less I also believe that I used to 'manage' him and prevent any outbursts.

Whatever howsad has done or not done, she needs support for getting away from a man who sounds terribly violent and dangerous.

I think you need to let someone know in real life that he has been hitting you. Do family and friends know and still not offer support?

Please get out as soon as you can, I'm worried his behaviour could escalate further.

My family think he is wonderful and I really would find it difficult to tell them the truth. Most of my friends are now concerned and offering support. One or two think this violence is a reaction to the pain I have caused him.

howsad,
Please be careful ... if he gets violent later, call the police immediately - get the number of your local station ready!! Don't take any chances.
Hope you're ok x

howsad - you may have to accept your family will not understand.

Most of us hide the abuse and thus family find it hard to accept it happened. To them you are just coming up with a convenient excuse to explain your choice to leave.

It will be a rough ride. Get friends around you who will support you AND LEAVE. You deserve more than this

I don't think most of us do condone violence, from man to woman or the other way round. Had someone posted here saying she had slapped her husband when she found out about his infidelity, I for one would probably have understood her temporary loss of self-control but said for heaven's sake don't do it again. (I once snapped and threw things at XH, though not for infidelity, so I do know the old red mist thing.) Were she to say she had taken to getting drunk, coming home and assaulting him on a regular basis, I think sympathy would rapidly evaporate, don't you? And if she was doing it in front of the children the kindest posters would say get out of there and get yourself some help quickly!