How do you get over the guilt of leaving H and splitting up a family.

[howsad]

Ive been on here a bit lately. I have now decided that I definitely want to leave my H. He is very upset and angry using the kids as blackmail, saying inappropriate things in front of them and getting violent towards me in front of them.

Despite this I feel so guilty - My friends and family think I am crazy for leaving him saying they understand his anger and it my fault that he is like this due to a relationship I have formed with another man.

Under no circumstances will OM be moving in to the house or meeting my children for a long time providing things work out between us.

I just cant bring myself to love my H I try but its just not there. I feel so guilty I cry with the guilt. I know I'll lose friends and upset my wider family so why cant I just stay with my H.

I'm giving up a lovely home but for the first time in my life a big house and being able to have what I want materially is just not what I want, the idea of having someone who would really care about me and adore me seems to me to be the happier option. Am I just a very selfish person???

"One or two think this violence is a reaction to the pain I have caused him."

Yes, there are always people who are willing to make excuses for men beating their wives.

Don't listen to them, they don't have anything of value to say to you.

Ive had a terrible time this weekend trying to explain to friends and family who are trying to get me to sense before this goes too far.

People really believe Im having a breakdown and dont know my own mind. They feel so sorry for H - saying he is a broken man and you can see the anguish is going through just looking at him.

Im dreading this week as should be able to move out at the weekend but thats when it will really hit him.

Talk to WA, ,they will give you the tools and strategies to cope. They will believe you and take you seriously. It may really help.

howsad, have you told these friends that your husband has been violent to you?

If not, tell them. And tell them that you think you deserve to be happy and not be the victim of violence. And that you're not interested in him being a broken man, you're just happy you haven't got a broken arm/ leg/ nose etc.

You must tell people about this - you probably feel shame, stupid, responsible for his violence. Or perhaps you have friends who accept violence as a normal interraction in a relationship. Either way, you are not responsible for his actions and you don't have to tolerate people telling you that they feel sorry for the man who is abusing you.

I think they think that had I not started this relationship with OM then he would not have been so violent. No one condones the violence they just think its how he has reacted in anger. They do pity him and so do I, he told me tonight that I have broken his heart - he never thought I would ever do this to him.

I wished I could find the words to say everything will be ok, we will draw a line under it all and start afresh but I couldn't.

It would be so much easier all round if I could do that and I do feel guilty and selfish for putting my happiness before that of my family.

OK so they are making excuses for his violence.

Please bear tht in mind - you are not responsible for his actions. He chooses to be violent in response to your action, he could choose not to be. Lots of men who find out that their wives are leaving them for another men, are not violent.

I think a man who has become violent because his wife has done something to upset him, probably hasn't started to be abusive out of the blue. I expect there's a bit of a history of abuse there, even if it's not physical. People don't suddenly become awful, they were generally like that all along...

Because I feel so guilty Im being extra nice to him and now I feel guilty about that as I worry its giving him the wrong idea. Bloody hell my head is shot.