he blows hot and cold - do i hang around

[thereheblows]

Am seeing someone, who by his own immision, blows hot and cold.
Its been going on for 18 months now.
He is very single minded and wrapped up in himself - he cant seem to do more than one thing at a time, plus he is quite selfish.

Ive known this from the beginning. Ive accepted this is how it is. This is him, faults and all. We have spoken about it, and i tell him it pisses me off. He appolgises for it, but that is just how he is. Same as i am how i am.

Ultimatley im wondering if its worth me carrying on with this. I know he wont ever change, i accept that and tbh the hot and cold doesnt bother me so much now, as i know if hes cold, it wont be long till hes hot again.

Before people start shouting hes married or whatever, he isnt. i am his girlfriend. ive met his friends etc.

I think you know the anwer.

I think the fact you need to ask says a lot. Can you see yourself living like this in the next 5 years or dont you think you deserve better.

You see it kind of suits me though. Im not sure i could cope will a full on relationship 100% of the time.

I too am very selfish with my time. i get annoyed when i feel people are intruding on my time and space or taking too much of my energy.

Before him i was seeing someone else, but the texts, and wanting to see me the whole time just felt too much. Too much pressure for me. But i do realise this was my problem, not his. Still annoyed the hell out of me.

So, in a strange way, the hot and coldness sort of suits me. To be fair, i go a bit hot and cold with him. But i can see this situation just going on forever, how it is.

Surely though, if you were happy with this relationship as it is, you would not have felt the need to ask anyone else? You would decide to hang around as long as you were getting some good about it, with the option of ending it if things changed. There's no rule that a relationship has to be heading somewhere, if neither party are in a rush to get there. But you seem to be only partly satisfied with things as they are. Shall we ask some probing questions, counsellor-style, to help you find out what is subconsciously bothering you? Or do you actually know what it is already but don't quite like to say?

There is nothing that bothers me.
Im quite happy. I dont feel like it needs to be going somewhere or that there has to be a goal. It is what it is - and thats actually fine with me.
I dont know if its because im older, or divorced, but i accept him for who he is faults and all. I know there is no point trying to change someone, and that people do not change.
There is little point me getting angry at him if hes wrapped up in work. I know he will blow hot again, but i do say to him about it, i dont want to give the impression that i sit there meekly and wait for him. i dont- but i do accept him. And in return he accepts me and all my faults.

The problem is other people. They seem to have a very fixed idea of what a adult comitted relationship is about. Beacuse ours does not fit into this i get no end of stick about it.
Thats when it bothers me and i question things.

What i mean is people refused to be pleased for me, or make horrible comments that its just a sex thing that it is not a serious relationship.

Though it is. I used to me married to someone in the RAF. He was away alot. I think im just very very used to my own space/being on my own and i dont take too kindly to anyone intruding on that.

Noone questioned my marriage even though ex dh could be away months and months at a time. That was because it was defined by a sheet of paper and a ring.

My current relationship is not defined by anything, so people see fit to belittle it.

if you're happy with things the way they are then why can't you just ignore the comments?
or are these comments being made by people who know you very well?

Ah, right. Well, I don't know you of course, but I do know some people who really are better off in the kind of relationship you describe, so very likely the other people who have strong ideas about how you should be doing things just need to broaden their outlook. The only reason I am not 100% saying "ignore them, they're either ignorant or jealous" is because occasionally (actually rather often if you frequent these boards) there is a relationship that everyone in the world in space recognises as dysfunctional, except the poor woman in the middle of it who swears she's happy and that "as long as he needs me, I know where I must be" etc while all her friends and family tear their collective hair out. Eventually he does something so awful that even she can't kid herself any longer. I don't know that's not you, so I won't judge! But what I do know is that there are many different models of couplehood and that the one you describe is as legitimate as any other, as long as any children involved are not upset by it. That means dependent children to whom you owe a duty of care, btw, not any adult offspring who are going "tut tut, Mum's behaving disgracefully". None of their damn' business!

close family and close friends.

They seem to find it appropiate to comment, in detail on our ' non relationship, relationship'

Because we are not joined at the hip, beacuse we dont live together, beacuse we dont spend weekends in homebase.

We see each other when we want to. Its fun. I have the best time with him and i love him dearly. Actually that doesnt cover it, im hopelessly in love with the man.

But i have my life, that im very proctetive off ( and im not sure that many people understand that) and he has his. Sometimes its all passionate and full on, then it cools down for a few weeks as life gets in the way.

i dont feel i need someone at my side the whole time. ( maybe thats something to do with my previous marriage)

I don't know why you asked the question then.
If it suits you and you aren't unhappy then carry on as you are.

You asked a question then jump to defend your position when anyone offers advice. You sound mixed up.

i know about those kind of relationships. I was previously in one!

My dependent children are fine and not upset at all.
Why would they be?

What happens is i get confused when i get constant negative comments from people.

This follows a spat with my friend this morning.

For a little bit of time i question what it is im actually doing, if its worth my time. If i am in fact being used.

Then they should be happy for you; failing which, if they are convinced it will some day all go pear-shaped, they should stand by to be kind and supportive as needed.

Actually if I were to have a chap in my life again, I'd much prefer an arrangement like yours to some live-in bloke who I'd have to compromise with. It was a long enough fight for freedom, so why give it all up because someone else believes you ought to be happy differently?

well either your friend is right- or she is not.

We can't tell you- you know the answer in your heart.
If you are thrown into such confusion by other people's opinions it doesn't sound as if you are very sure of what you feel, does it?

of course, it could all go pear shape at any time. Same as any relationship actually.
just beacuse you live with someone or visit homebase regulary does not mean you are immune from breaking up.

I dont want to comprimise with anyone. Im not very good at not getting my own way either, and as ive said, i really really value my own space ALOT.

I too had a long fight for freedom and i dont think i want to give it up. I would not want to share my bed etc with someone all the time. A weekend every so often is fine. Dont get me wrong, sometimes i do think it would be lovely to have someone to cater to my every whim and be there the whole time, then i think about that a little bit more and just cringe. Its not me and never will be.

what you have said makes alot of sense to me actually speaking as a fellow divorcee
i think that one of the plus points of being divorced is that you have a better idea of what you want from a future relationship and to a certain extent have a more realistic idea of what does and doesn't actually work
the only reason that i asked about the comments is because those close to you can often pick up on things which you don't necessarily see or if we're honest choose to ignore,they're said because they care and obviously were around to support you during your marriage break-up
but if you're both really happy with things as they are then you'll just have to let these comments go over your head

Well, people do what they are allowed to get away with. He knows from experience that you will be waiting for him to blow hot again, so he isn't bothered about upsetting you when he blows cold.

Surely this is going to mess with your head if it goes on and on?

im sure of what i feel. I just dont take critism very well. Im also like peoples approval.
Im quite self aware.
i would like to not care what others thought, but i do and it actually hurts me when they are so mean.
I consider briefly for a bit finishing it and finding someone who will put fence pannels up for me or something.
But thats exacally what i DONT WANT.

What matters is if YOU are happy with the situation....genuinely.

If the arrangement gives you both what you want out of it then other people's opinions shouldn't matter.

However - the fact that you have complained to him about it, and that your friend is concerned for you too (as opposed to being pleased, if slightly mystified, at your happiness) makes me wonder if you really are that happy with it.
Are you sure you aren't just accepting second best because that's all he will give and because you love him?

No - beacse i would not want him around all the time.
That would not make me happy.

He does know from experience that ill wait for him, as i do him. Sometimes i dont want to talk to him and have in the past actually avioded him. Not because he had done anything wrong, but because i just felt i couldnt be bothered with it.

I also cancel plans at the last min etc..

He accepts im flakey.

Friend has not even met him so i dont know why she feels she can comment. I have met all of his friends. He has met few of mine. I want to protect my life, whats mine is mine and i dont want to share it. He accepts that and is patient with that.

I think he puts up with a lot from me actually.

I dont complain to him about it, we now actually joke about it now. I might say something scarstic and laugh. It is how it is.

The negative comments do get me down though.

nothing wrong with putting up a few fence panels ....
I have a relationship a bit like this, it suits me at present
I think it really depends if you are looking for a full-time live in scenario or not
if you are, move on
if not, be happy - maybe your friends are in miserable marriages or something hence the comments, a bit of perhaps?

I dunno why you are asking, tbh

because a few members of your family seem a bit about your relationship ?

tell them to mind their own and stop speculating about summat they know fuck-all about

however, I suspect you are not quite as happy and laidback about this on/off scenario...or you wouldn't have posted in the first place

i am happy with it.

I cant give anymore that what i can.
Neither can he

im sure sometimes he might get narked at me. i sometimes might get narked at him.

But it is how it is. its not perfect,ive never claimed it to be but it kind of works for us.

Its not on/off. Its always on, just to varying degrees.

ive always seeked approval from others, i can try to pretend i dont, but i do. Im happy, it hurts me that those closes to me cant even acknowlege that and just run it down.

Thats why i posted, i wondered what others thought. If everyone came back and said, you are a fool, he is using you. Then maybe i might have considered that i was wrong and i needed to look at things.

The fact that people have listened is good. I feel better, i just wish those closest to me would either actually listen to me, or just butt out.

butt them out yourself

happy days !

thereheblows hope that you have gained some clarity of thought from posting here
AF as ever has succinctly summed it up!
best of luck