Newly single mum

[PinkUnicorn]

Hi, I am a bit of a newbie after lots of lurking.

I have recently finished with my dp about 7 weeks ago after 7 years. We are being fairly amicable, although that is rapidly going down hill whilst we are together in the same house. Hopefully he will be moving by next weekend, which will make mine and the childrens life a bit easier.

However, I cant help but feel like I am being held to ransom over child access and money. If I say anything to upset him he will start saying how he wont look after the children to "help me out" and will see them when it is "practical" for him. Probably a bit stupidly on my behalf I said that if he wasnt going to "help me out" I wouldnt help him out and would go to the CSA which wasnt a very good idea and I shouldnt have sunk to his level but it really annoyed me so much. He then said that if I went to the CSA he would give up his relationship with his children.

He knows that I dont have any family help for child care so if I wanted to go out any where he would need to have them and is manipulating me over it, but I cant get him to stop it.

I dont really know what the point of my post is but I really wanted to share and get it off my chest.

Call his bluff.

Legally he has to pay maintenance for his children, whether he sees them or not.

It is in everyone's best interests for th chidren to havetheir access visits at regular times. Don't see it or phrase it as him "helping you out". Your children have a right to a relationship with their father, and you are facilitating that. If he's being an arse about it, don't you be.

He is emotionally blackmailing you. Don't let him.

There is always Safe Hands for babysitting if you need it. You might not ever use it, but it's a come back if he starts being an arse about "helping you out".

draw up a list of any friends,childminders,nurseries etc.....let hi know you dont need him for childcare!!

Since ending our relationship I have started to become closer to family members again (such as my mum) so hopefully I will have other babysitters in the future.

I tried to say it would be for the children, they are 4 and 2 and really need a stable routine and need to know when they will see their dad next but half the time he just seems hell bent on pissing me off, even if it hurts them in the process. I try to keep a neutral face infront of him and not let him know how much he upsets me.

He has been fairly controlling throughout our whole relationship, mainly in subtle ways like making me feel like I cant speak out against him because he will get angry, but I hope it will calm down when he doesnt live here anymore. The only thing is he will be living in a house share, so will have to come to mine to look after them or take them out which wouldnt work for over night stays.

The worst thing is when he says all these things in front of the children My poor ds who is 4 just sits there listening looking horrified

Wow that's terrible to discuss such a thing in front of your children. He should be ashamed. He's trying to make you look like the bad one here. Whenever this sort of argument arises infront of the little ones you should ignore him or ask him to leave. IMO.
You should keep up the relations with your family, no doubt you'll need your mum.
Good luck.

Can you speak with him without the children present in order to draw up an agreement about contact etc? Perhaps with a third party there to calm things down.

Don't mention whether something is good or bad for you or him, just stay firm and repeat "I want to sort this out for the children's sake. This is what is best for them." Broken record, repeat that sentence and refuse to listen to him trying to hurt you. With my XP we drew up an agreement in the January and agreed to meet up again in April to review it. After that I thought that we would leave it 6 months and review it again (the April review never happened in the end)

I think you should definitely go through the CSA about maintenence, don't make it personal, just say something like "I need to know what I am getting for the children's sake". If he says the line about not wanting to see them, stay cool and say "That is your loss, it is sad for them though." It is NOT your fault, it's his decision, if he is small minded enough to think that some money should stop him having a relationship with his children, they are probably better off without him. I think he would turn it around though.

Good luck - this is the hard part, but it will get better, I promise

He should be ashamed, but he isnt because he thinks its my fault he gets angry in the first place. Funny how everything always manages to be my fault, the whole relationship ending is my fault apparently I ask him to leave, tell him to remember the kids are in the room but it makes him more angry, dd usually runs to me crying when he shouts and he then says I use the children by letting them sit on me and make him look bad. Also, 5 mins after being like this (and sometimes punching stuff like I have a nice hole in my door) he acts like nothing ever happened and we are best friends.

I am glad the relationship is over I am just pretty horrified that the father of my children can behave this way. I have been well and truely under the thumb.

Bertie that is definatly what we need to do and I will try and catch him in a good mood in the week to talk about visits and also phone calls. I dont think he realises the impact this will have on them even though they are so young.

Some men hate to be under the thumb, they react badly when you tell them what to do. But it often means they sacrifice their childrens happiness for their own selfishness.
He wants to hurt you for the break up and he's doing it in whatever way he knows.

Call his bluff, in the end when your children are old enough to understand they will know the truth and that you tried your best for them.

If he starts arguing with the children in the room, just take them and say calmly "Come on DD, DS, let's go and fold the washing/start the dinner/play in the garden" (Anything really) - he can't argue with himself and he'll soon get bored with no audience.

My XP used to tell me that everything was me as well! I look back now and think how ridiculous he was being - it's almost funny how he managed to avoid everything by truly believing that none of it was his fault. Don't take responsibility for his moods - he is making HIMSELF look bad!

It's hard when you have had an emotional connection with someone, but if you can, you need to employ a "bullshit shield" - when he starts ranting just imagine a shield coming up to protect you from the bullshit that he is spouting (because most of it will be!) I found the anger easier to deal with once I realised that I really didn't deserve to be on the recieving end. I could put my shield up to that. I just said "Okay." to everything my XP said, even if he thought that meant I was agreeing with him. He used to cry though and that was hard, because even through all the crap I still cared for him and I hated the thought that I was upsetting him. Luckily (??) I knew that in the end he was as angry as he was upset and there was no way I could go to hug him or anything as my instinct was to, in case he lashed out and hit me.

It is funny looking back now and seeing what things I had to agree were my fault for fear of him kicking off!! I just wish he could stop behaving so inappropriately. I do know that dd and ds will know that I have always tried, but it doesnt stop me feeling just so sad for what they have to see.

I do have a partial bull shit shield installed after being told how boring, stupid and fat I am for so long. I will have to extend it to include things about the kids too.

I will call his bluff when he nexts brings it up and try and arrange a schedule for vising and phone calls.

Fingers crossed this time next monday he will have gone!! Thanks for all your advice

Great stuff, it's great when you get that sense of impowerment back!

Try do things to raise your self confidence, it does wonders to how confident you feel and he will notice too, but best of all you wont care less what he says and your children will enjoy seeing mummy so happy!

Good luck!

Pinkunicorn, your ex sounds like my ex. I bet you can't wait for him to be out of the house. I have quite a few patched up walls and doors too, funnily enough.

It's stressful isn't it. I think all you can do, as I was advised on here, is make yourself self-reliant. Sad as it is, you can't rely on him for anything. Distance yourself as much as possible.

I agree, call his bluff. It's better to depend on the authorities to extract the money from him so to speak than to depend on his common decency to hand it over. well dealing with a tosser anyway.

I put up with years and years of my x being a bad tempered bully who controlled even my thoughts criticised everything and kept me living on a pittance, and he still accuses me of bailing out. LIke I did it on a whim. Like I left a very spiritual wholesome rewarding life to go on a shopping trip. That's how he views it. I was selfish to not put up with it anymore.

I agree with Bertie. You left him because he was UNreasonable and hard to live with and the reality is that he's not suddenly going to become reasonable now. You need tactics

The bullshit shield is a good one. It's hard at first because it makes you feel really passive and weak not to 'argue back'. But arguing with these guys feeds their delusion that what they think factors in your life significantly. It does not. NO longer.

When negotiating with him, do pick a stock phrase that can't be argued with. The ability to pick out that phrase that can not be argued with gets better as you go along.

NEVER try to defend your actions from now on. If he is criticising you over something, just repeat ad infinitum "It was my call and I am happy I made the right one". If he bleats on and on and on criticising you in GREAT lenght, dont give him the satisfaction of defending yourself. He wants you to beg for his understanding and his approval. But that was how you behaved when you were together right! Break that pattern. Now that you're apart. You don't want his approval or his understanding. If he criticises your parenting just repeat like a parrot "I am happy I made the right call". Do not be drawn in.

Supercherry, any tips of how to patch up those kind of hollow mdf doors? My landlord wants to do an inspection and I really need to fix it before they come.

Chislersmummy thats a bit what he is like now. Its my fault for not trying harder because if I tried harder he wouldnt get angry or treat my badly, so I am selfish for not trying. Its taken me ages (years probably!) to realise what a load of shit that actually is!!

fyimate, I am definatly feeling more like myself already. I have been doing an open university course and doing pretty well which has boosted my confidence. I am supposed to be off for some talks and workshops on sunday but it depends if he wants to play mr. unreasonable and stop me from going by refusing to look after the kids.

Is there no one else you can rely on for child care? Once he starts to see you dont need him he'll probably change his tune.

Best ways to patch up holes in doors etc is polyfiller, your local DIY store should be stocked, ask someone there if in doubt.

...Or...you could stick a poster over the hole till you get it fixed?

I dont really have any child care, the only family I see on a regular basis are my grandparents and they are in their early 70's now and just dont have the energy to look after them for a full day. I could ask my mum but we have only recently been back in contact although I do think she would say yes if she didnt have any other plans. Alternatively I will just take them with me, and make sure I pack lots of things to keep them amused and take them out if they get bored.

I have been hanging towels over the hole!! I dry them there anyway but I just leave one over it all the time (or the kids keep pointing out that daddy broke the door) I will get some polyfiller, and try and patch it up over the weekend.

Yeah if you dont like the look of it even after you fix it just stick a picture over it, that way it cant be brushed out the way and then spotted.

After you fill it...(if that works, and it dries) you'll need to sand it down then paint over it. This is what my DP does for holes in the walls. Cant say I've ever seen anyone fix a hole in the door but ask at the DIY store, they should know.
Walls, I think are easier to fill, of course you cant punch a hole in a brick wall

Well its not as if I can make it look any worse so I can give it a try

He has now admitted that he wont be looking after the kids on Sunday for me so I can go for my talks and workshop. I am going to email the organisers and see about the lengths of the talks and decide if I can take the kids with me. Otherwise 2 of my friends have offered to have them. I just feel so bad accepting their offer when they have their own families and its all bloody ex's fault, he should be doing it not them. It would be for the whole day too, probably 9-7, which isnt very fair.

Dont feel bad, thank your friends for being so generous and ignore him. He's selfish.

And if you feel bad you can always offer to look after their kids or help them out some time to make up?

i have a hole in a door too. is covered with a picture and i keep it if i waver -as a reminder why he isnt allwoed in the house...

ok - TAKE up your friend's offer to have the kids .

forget about your EX.

your dc are young - they dont NEED to go on overnights with him, until he can sort it out so they can do so.

regular daytime contact will be fine.

he DOES NOT need to come in your house to see them - in fact far better you set the boundaries very clearly now, once he moved out. . i made a huge mistake in allowing ex to see the dcs at my new place (hence the hole in the door)..

it's summer, the weather is good, they can go soft play / library / swimming etc if it raining.

make it up to HIM to get accomodation where he can take them.

it isnt your responsibility.

and if his attitude is he cant be bothered then leave it. no point pushing it - jsut say "it would be nice for kids to ahve regualr contact so i suggest on xxdays and xx days from xx to xxx" etc.

dont rely on him as a "babysitter" - arrange with other people when you need to go somwhere, dont let yourself be bbeholden to him in any way.

kids have a right to see him - agree a regular routine, regular days.

stay cool and calm.

Pinkunicorn, you have done the right thing in having a back up plan for childcare, that way, when he inevitably lets you down, his little game won't have the desired effect.

Re: the door, as it's hollow, if there is a complete hole (not just dented) you will need to glue a piece of cardboard from the inside of the hole before filling. Else you will end up using loads of filler and it will take forever to go off. As the other poster said, sand with fine sand paper and paint.

What is it with men and hollow doors? I bet they wouldn't punch a solid hardwood door, eh?

I have looked at the schedule for the day and there are some bits I dont mind missing which will cut down the time I need them to babysit so its basically just the afternoon till teatime so I dont feel so bad about taking them up on their offer. I cant really offer any money but I can babysit in return.

Talking about money, I dont know what I am going to do about paying my rent due on the 1st. Ex is taking all his salary on friday which we would have used. He also wants half of our tax credits due the week after (half of 450) which I was going to use for rent (my rent is 600 so would need to make up the extra some how) or he says he wont leave I dont work and dont really want to let my private landlord know he is leaving incase they want me out without a guarentor. I think I will see if they will send it as a giro cheque thing so I can intercept it before it gets to his account (I am waiting on my new bank details coming through)

But those tax credits are for the kids!

If you're not sure it's worth talking to an advisor at the jobcentre or looking online.

If you dont work and your DP is leaving you should be entitled to help with the rent and maybe more benefits.