Newly single mum

[PinkUnicorn]

Hi, I am a bit of a newbie after lots of lurking.

I have recently finished with my dp about 7 weeks ago after 7 years. We are being fairly amicable, although that is rapidly going down hill whilst we are together in the same house. Hopefully he will be moving by next weekend, which will make mine and the childrens life a bit easier.

However, I cant help but feel like I am being held to ransom over child access and money. If I say anything to upset him he will start saying how he wont look after the children to "help me out" and will see them when it is "practical" for him. Probably a bit stupidly on my behalf I said that if he wasnt going to "help me out" I wouldnt help him out and would go to the CSA which wasnt a very good idea and I shouldnt have sunk to his level but it really annoyed me so much. He then said that if I went to the CSA he would give up his relationship with his children.

He knows that I dont have any family help for child care so if I wanted to go out any where he would need to have them and is manipulating me over it, but I cant get him to stop it.

I dont really know what the point of my post is but I really wanted to share and get it off my chest.

I know, but unfortunatly he is choosing not to be reasonable which is why I am hoping I can get it done as a cheque thingy this month which will come to me in my name and he wont be able to cash.

I will get benefits but its just waiting for them to come through in the meanwhile. My friend suggested trying for a crisis loan to cover my rent but I dont really know how it works.

Yes apply for a crisis loan, worth a try.

All of these horrid tossers on here, all exactly the same! (My ex is in the club too)
Chislersmummy - my ex thinks I was supeselfish leaving him 'after how hard he tried' My leaving him without warning - he will be eating out on the sympathy that sad story generates for years no doubt!

OP I agree do NOT let him into your house for contact, he will be able to continue his horrid behaviour upsetting you and in turn the dcs. Tell him he can see them twice a week for example on Wednesdays for tea and Saturdays for the day/afternoon. Set times and days for the dcs benefitt. Don't let him call your bluff, if he would walk away from them without a backwards glance might as well be sooner than later, but my guess is he won't when you call his bluff.

I gave my ex set days for contact, NOT in my house and me putting up strong boundaries and sticking to them has been the best thing I did after deciding to leave him.

I also agree his housing arrangements are not your look out. He can rent a flat or bedsit if he wants somewhere indoors to take them, or if not library/cafe/softplay/swimming/etc.

He is not entitled to half the Child Tax Credits- this is specifically for the main carer of the children. How dare he?!

I will definately try for a crisis loan and try to stop him getting his hands on the tax credits. Again though I just feel completely held to ransom, he said "I want half of the tax credits or I am not leaving this month" (meaning until his next pay cheque at the end of next month) so I just said "ok, you can have it" to avoid confrontation.

I will get him to take the kids out for access. Its just I was hoping for the odd night off to maybe go out with my friends and stuff but he cant have them where he will be living. I guess I will have to make do and save up money for a babysitter for special occassions, or hope my relationship with my family continues to get better and they can babysit sometimes.

I know I will get there in the end.

What is the situation with your housing? Is it in your name/both names/his name? If the only way to get himout ASAP is to give him this money, then do so BUT I would be looking into if you can just kick him out on the day he originally told you he would go. Otherwise he may just keep going back on his word and stay longer and longer driving you crazy! Could you call WOmen's Aid or pop into Citizen's advice to find out where you stand/what you are rights are with regards to getting him out??

You will get there in the end.

Definately best not to ever think he would be nice enough to have the kids while you had a lovely evening out! That's never gonna happen. Keep building up your support network, people do want to help and those who know you will be soo pleased you have left this bell end.

wow, he's blackmailing you into giving him the money you need to provide a home for his children, just in order to get rid of him??? I have no experience of men of this type but how tempting is it just to think your children DO NOT DESERVE to know they are related to a shit like this, and just pull the plug completely?

In my fantasy world, you change the locks while he is out, leave his stuff on the doorstep, and never see him again.

Hope you are coping ok this evening, you have all my thoughts and sympathies...

Its a tenancy in both our names with a private landlord, so I cant legally get him to move out which is why I am basically placating him to go.

We were honestly pretty amicable (apart from the usually mildly controlling ways) up until a couple of weeks ago but it really has rapidly descended into real nastyness

I am ok though, really positive about the future. I have lots to look forward to, just this bit now is pretty shit but not forever atleast!!

It has descended into nastiness because he is realising you are not quite under his control as he thought.

He is very miffed indeed.

Let him be.

I speak from experience. Going through this myself. x

My Dad did this when my mum divorced him - took forever to leave, made excuses, said he would move out then changed his mind at the last minute. I think even if you give him the money, he will probably still mess you around.

Can you be tough and wait until he goes out (does he work?) and change the locks? Warn the police in advance that you are doing this (let them know he has been violent before, even if not directed at you) and they should then put a marker by your address so if you phone them later it gets put on a higher priority. Best to do this during the week (ie not Friday/Saturday night)

It's not really an option to cut contact completely because unless he poses a danger to the children, they have a right to see him. He might be a shit, but they love him and it's not fair on them to cut the relationship short (but equally if he's threatening not to see them unless you comply with XYZ, don't give in to that - always give him the opportunity to see them but don't go out of your way to accommodate him)

I agree with Bertie that the whole giving him the money might be the start of a whole new game for him - bit worried about it Pink.

I really do want them to have a relationship with him, he wouldnt do anything to them I just think he judgement is totally clouded with trying to get at me, trying to "win" in his opinion and losing control of the situation.

I definatly think he will be going. He is looking forward to having a clean, quiet house, loads of spare money to join a gym and go out having a lovely time more than staying here with the kids, me and my not good enough cleaning and being bogged down by bills and debts (that are thankfully in his name) I also have the only key for the chubb lock so will be making sure that is locked after he has gone.

I really dont know what I can do other than let him have the money. He knows that his salary covers his first months rent and deposit and he wants money to last through the month which is why he wants half of the tax credits.

oyoyoy. I don't know what to say. How difficult he is making this for you. Very good idea re the chubb lock though - you're sure he can't get a copy?

I hope you are taking your own advice and stopping providing any creature comforts for him if you have been. stop cleaning and tidying and let him get his own dinner so he IS glad to go. I have known women in the midst of a divorce but still living with their cheating husband 'for the sake of the kids' to continue doing their washing and shopping and cooking and making things very comfortable for them because they were somehow still trying to be 'nice'.

sorry that sounds really angry at you - i'm not at all, just angry with these men!

I had been making his life a bit too comfortable but that has stopped since last week.

Can I apply now or do I have to wait till he has gone?

The tax credits are due next week after he has left, main problem is they go into his account and I am still waiting on my own bank details to come through (new account) so I will see if they can do it as a giro cheque for this month. Then as soon as I have the money I will start a new claim. My reasoning for this is that its a big chunk of money, most of my rent, so getting that bit extra will be easier than getting the whole amount from crisis loan or something.

Well done , you are doing incredibly well and are an amazing role model for your kids xxx

thanks, I am really not though I am just trying to do my best by everyone.

Its my birthday at the beginning of June, first one I will be spending alone in 7 years. Seems like a good place to start a kind of new life!!

You can apply now if you are living separately in the same house. You need to apply as soon as possible, because they won't backdate it, and also it might take a few weeks to come through.

As soon as you close the joint tax credit claim and start a new single claim, (only way to do it) the payments will stop, so you can easily prevent him getting them by ringing up and cancelling the claim. However this means that you won't get them either. I don't know whether they will do it as a cheque without you explaining, and then they might want to close the joint claim down completely. But it may be safer to do this to prevent having to pay any back later.

Crisis loan is done through the jobcentre, you will need to go there to sort out income support etc so best to ring them first thing in the morning and make an appointment ASAP.

Are you eligible for housing benefit? That is done through your local council, but is paid in arrears rather than in advance, and takes ages to come through, so you may need a crisis loan/budgeting loan for the rent.

You are more likely to get a crisis loan, I believe, if you literally have no money, so it may work in your favour to switch the tax credits claim to a single claim sooner rather than later.

HTH.

Also, if it comes to it, you have to be in arrears with the rent for at least 2 months before a landlord can do anything. If you end up with not enough money for the rent then pay as much as you can, give heartfelt apologies, explain the situation if you want to, and pay the rest as soon as you get some money in. It's horrible but at least you know the money will be coming in at some point.

If you are short, phone up your utilities and ask them if you can waive or reduce the payment for a month or two, and then when you get more sorted you can put the direct debits up again to cover the shortfall. I would do this before missing or reducing a rent payment, because they are less likely to do anything nasty, whereas your landlord could decide he doesn't want to renew at the end of the contract which would leave you with the stress of having to find somewhere else to live. Only you know how understanding your landlord is!

I am sure I replied to this but obviously not lol

We are definatly living seperately. All the money he is working to earn now wont help us, he is taking it all.

I could explain to the landlord but I am worried that they wont want me without a guarentor which I dont have, the last thing I want is to have to move house on top of everything.

We get some housing benefit now so I think I just need to update that claim. I will definatly phone the job centre in the morning and get the ball rolling with the benefits.

Its so hard knowing whats best!!

If you need solid advice, go to CAB, they can tell you anything you need to know about anything!

If you dont have one near you or dont have the time, search online, the direct.gov website has lots on benefits etc.

Your landlord should be fine as long as you can pay your rent, it sounds like, as you dont work, you are entitled to housing benefit, this does take a while so get the ball rolling now.

The website has all the info so do have a look;

www.direct.gov.uk/en/diol1/doitonline/dg_4017683

Navigate your way round the site from th Crisis Loan link I've given.

Good Luck!

Thank you!! Will phone them when they open at 8

No prob.

Thats one down, time to get phoning the others. I phoned the bank about my new account and they should hopefully have my bank details available tomorrow so I can pass on. Going to update the other claims now into my name so he wont get the money.

Also my nan is sending me money for my trip on sunday so I dont have to rely on him giving me some!!

That's great. Sounds like you're going to be just fine then!

I hope so!! Will be really hoping the claims come through quickly, my rents due on the 1st of June, thats my main aim to pay that!!