DH had an affair - what is the timescale of the healing process?

[swordinthestone]

Wondering if anyone could share their experience...

We have 2 preschoolers, DH has recently had a short affair with a colleague. It happened because he works long hours and totally detatched himself from me and the kids and spent a lot of time with a particular colleague. The affair stopped when I found out about it and we had a short separation (requested by DH). The affair had a heavy emotional component as well as the obvious. This does figure as we were having sex so it wasn't like he was frustrated in that way. It is the general married man with 2 little kids cliche affair!

He came back and has been back a month and generally our recovery is going pretty well. We have made lots of changes at home and we are both positive about the future. DH considers the affair to be "in the past" although will answer any questions that I have.

The problem is this... I think about him having sex/spending time with OW every day. It isn't the first thing I think about in the morning any more, but it still comes into my head many times a day. When will it stop doing this? It does not prevent me from getting on with what I need to get on with anymore. What is the next stage in the recovery? I just don't know what to expect and how far we have got with the recovery?

I can deal with the fact it happened becuase I am quite a realistic person, but I just don't want to think about it anymore. I want it to go away.

My only feelings regarding OW are that she should be ashamed of herself (she's married with 3 DC). I no longer feel like I want to shout at her or whatever. I just feel pity for her as I feel that she has let herself, her DH and her DC down repeatedly (not the first time she has cheated, or indeed the second ).

Any words of wisdom appreciated, particuarly wrt when I will stop thinking about it every day.

Not sure I'm much help but very similar story here. He's been home since early march and its definitely better now than a month ago. The intrusive thoughts are less frequent but I do still have them sometimes.

The 'experts' say it can take a couple of years to fully recover tho. I hope that's not true.

Sorry for bad typing, am posting from my phone.

thanks akhems, hope things continue to improve for you.

dittany, I have half the blame on DH and half the blame on OW.

Him - arrogant, stupid, selfish
Her - can't understand, but think she should be ashamed of herself

Do you think 50/50 is reasonable/healthy? DH thinks that I am dealing with it reasonably - it is really me that wants it to go away. He isn't pressuring me, I suppose I am pressuring myself!

So sorry this happened to you, but it does seem like DH is really trying to make amends. That is good.

Remember, everyone is fallible, and just because he had this affair, it doesn't mean that he ever stopped loving you.

Is it possible for you to maybe make some big changes to your lives, in an attempt at a fresh start. Maybe even move house. Then he won't ever remember texting her in that particular room, you won't ever remember when he was cold with you in another particular room? Although you say you have already made changes...a good thing to do.

I think the main piece of advice I would give you, would be to construct your own life so that it is strong. Make sure you are not relying on him too much...get plenty of outside interests. The stronger and more confident you are, the more he will realise what a great woman he married. If you get all needy, clingy and always questioning, you will lose self-esteem and he will lose respect for you.

And don't ask questions about the OW. In my experience, you are always so curious about the details. But when you hear the details, you can never ever eradicate them from your mind, even if they were not important to your DH. Try and move on in a dignified way. You will feel better about yourself.

Instead of asking about details, you should probably ask him, in a controlled way when you are feeling strong, about why he thinks it happened. Whether he felt something was missing from your lives, etc.

Good luck. You sound like you are well on your way to a recovery for your marriage. Remember he has a massive history with you. He doesn't with the OW. Whenever you feel yourself slipping into that classic female "I must be lacking in some way" mindset, remember that he married you. He never even considered running off with OW, never mind marrying her.

I have not been in your exact position, but have had other emotional upsets to know that the cliche 'time is a healer' is quite true. In time, the whole thing will shift more and more to the back of your mind. When you are stressed, or tired, or irritated it will come to the forefront. Keep yourself as busy as possible. Create new memories and fun with your DH (who sounds like someone you can now trust in this). I know that seems like a tall order on a bad day, but Fizzfiend is right - he did marry you and chose to stay with you, and bringing up two pre-schoolers could even put Mother Teresa under stress!

dittany - to clarify blame:

Considering me and DH being married and him having this affair: blame goes 95% to him and 5% to me.

Considering him having an affair with the OW: 50% blame for them each (surely you can't hold my DH any more responsible than that otherwise the OW is not responsible for her actions?)

When I said dealing with it reasonably, I didn't mean in a placid and fair minded way, I mean reasonably as opposed to dealing with it particularly well or particularly badly (progress wise). Of course, I was furious and I have shouted and screamed at him on a number of occasions, told him what a terrible husband and father he is etc etc, with crying and swearing and I would have liked to hit him tbh. However, I would have thought that the time for fury has passed at this stage - how can we ever do anything positive to move forward if I scream at him over it every time he comes home? Of course, he should be utterly ashamed of himself, but again throwing it in his face at this stage is surely counterproductive?

The reason why shame is the only thing I can think of for the OW is that I do not consider her to be arrogant or stupid (I have met her). I cannot fathom why she had an affair with my DH so I am left with shame for her. She knew who I was, that I had 2 small DCs etc. I really don't get it from her pov, but I have decided that it is not necessary to get it from her pov as essentially it is irrelevant to me and my DH recovering. Actually I thought it was quite a positive step that I don't think vindictive or vicious thoughts towards her anymore. Perhaps I am wrong.

He has admitted straight out why it happened. He said he thought he didn't love me any more. He has admitted to misinterpreting the stress of his job and 2 small DCs as no longer loving me. He said he thought that he did love her, indeed he told her so. However, he has also come to realise that he mistook feelings of doing good work together/spending a lot of time together for love. He knows very well that we do belong together and is committed to fixing the underlying problems that caused the affair.

Fizzfiend - i have rearranged rooms in our house (swapped 2 entirely, moved furniture and clothes around as well) and this has helped. The place he used to email and text her from is now something else entirely. I have bought myself a laptop and told him it is private and he is not allowed to use it. I am trying to retain some control and dignity for myself. I think I will quit asking questions about OW, as you say, it's not really helping and I already know a huge amount of detail which is difficult to get out of my mind.

There is no real competition between her and me. We are just so very different in every way. I am the person he chose and she is the person he got together with because he spent too much time with her. I don't feel inadequate compared with her because we are just not really comparable in any aspects of our lives. That's also why I can't rationalise her actions, she could not be more different from me.

probably shouldn't post on this thread because I don't want to argue but I feel compelled to agree with you OP - I think it sounds like you are dealing with this really well and in answer to your original question, in my limited experience, these things do take time but they do get better. A lot depends on how your DH acts but if he is happy to be under the microscope for as long as it takes then it becomes a lot easier for you to move on. He has to understand there will be good and bad days and recognise that at least for the short term, there will be "it's all your fault for having an affair" days. It's your job to limit those days as best you can if you want to move on. I don't know Dittany but I have seen her posts on many relationship threads and it would appear Dittany comes from an incredibly strong feminist angle and I have seen her personally offended by the actions of males and females that forgive them. I would politely suggest you don't need the bashing you are taking for not acting the way some are suggesting. This is your business and whilst you have posted on an open forum for advice, I feel your OP is asking a different question to the ones Dittany is answering. No offence Dittany I just feel you have a particularly strong approach on this subject which is possibly not helping the OP to move on with her relationship. That she has decided to is her decision and not one for you to be questioning.

Probably not helpful, but I reckon you will keep thinking about this, for as long as he still work with her. Can he change his jobs, or has he done this already?

SITS, FWIW I think it is still very early days for both you and your H. Your emotions will go from one extreme to the other. The anger will come back and the pain and the sadness. It's normally two steps forward and one step back. I suggest your H gets some counselling to get to the bottom of why he did what he did.

I am a year on from discovery of my DH's affair and it has only been in the last six months that the true horror of what he did hit my H. His selfishness, his arrogance, his sense of entitlement etc. The true impact on me and DC etc. We did about 4 months at Relate as well which was useful but I feel I could do with some individual counselling now. Our marriage has changed completely, for the better as we have a more honest relationship.

And I personally feel the OW was 50% to blame - she knew my H was married with DC and quite frankly, her behaviour towards me was appalling as well. One of the things my DH finds difficult to forgive himself for was the fact that he allowed her to abuse me, didn't step in to stop her. There were reasons for that which were explored in therapy. But I do feel she gave him the stick with which to beat me and the DC with. And she has yet to apologise to me - at least my DH is doing everything in his power to put things right.

Also please get hold of the book "Not Just Friends" by Shirley Glass - it is very insightful and will help both you and your H understand what happened.

Sadly I think you need to be prepared that it is very possible that you will continue to think about the OW every day and I doubt you will ever totally rebuild the trust you had with your dh.

This doesn't mean that the marriage can't work overall if you are getting enough out of it in other ways. You say you are realistic, so I think the answer is to try to conciously focus on what you get out of the relationship ie on the positives.

I think Dittany is projecting (her own emotional viewpoint/agenda) onto you. While her viewpoint is obviously valid, there is no particular reason why you should share it to the same degree.

In actual fact, I think raging about how he is a total failure as a husband/father would probably be the death knell of the relationship, certainly from your partner's point of view.

If my partner had an affair I don't necessarily think I would consider him to be a "failure" - although he would obviously have failed at monogamy!

I think most of all I would want to know why (boredom/opportunity/grass greener etc) and what might (or might not) be missing in our relationship.

As others have suggested it is probably a really good idea to use it as an opportunity for self-development so that, if for whatever reason things do not work out, you will be confident about a different kind of future (with or without him or even with someone else).

I think that is what I would try to do in this situation.

Poodie, "In actual fact, I think raging about how he is a total failure as a husband/father would probably be the death knell of the relationship, certainly from your partner's point of view."

Are you really advising the op to keep quiet and just accept her husband betrayal, in case he will leave her if she does in fact rant about how badly he has behaved?

I think that is pretty crap advice, to be honest.

You are doing all the right things, and he is doing his best, it seems, to be honest and supportive, and reflective, so in that respect your healing time will be much quicker than if he was still lying or hiding stuff. I read a book that says CBT kind of thing will help with the flashbacks (which are normal by the way). Think of something else when they come into your brain. Sometimes though it's not so easy and sometimes it's all too tempting to make them come into your thoughts. But I think actually that it's your mind trying to deal with the trauma, and minimise it, by kind of eventually getting bored with thinking about it perhaps . I am 15 months on from the time I discovered, and the flashbacks are not common anymore. We haven't healed half as well as you will though, because my husband was still lying to me and hiding details from me until quite recently, so it kept making me have to start at the beginning again. Keep on keeping on and try and distract yourself. Easier said than done I know.(It's great you don't compare yourself, I do and it's the way to ruination!) Good luck to you!

Let me tell you about a close friend of mine. Her long term boyfriend was on verge of proposing and instead ended up dumping her because some floozie pursued him and he was flattered etc. He was miserable after about 3 months with floozie, realised he made mistake and begged forgiveness, asked my friend to come back etc. They are now married with ds and one of the happiest couples I know.

On the rare occasions that this incident comes up in discussion with me, my friend's fury about what she went through just bursts out and she has a rants and raves for a while -- and it was about 12 years ago. That doesn't mean she hasnt got over it, or doesn't trust him anymore or anything like that. She just remembers what a complete nightmare it was for her (she lost 3 stone in 5 months), how furious she was at the time, how betrayed she felt etc

Sooooo I think you are expecting far too much of yourself after just one month (one month is nothing you are probably still in a state of shock), and given the fact you were actually married with dc. you are never going to forget what he put you through and you are never going to not feel angry/jealous and various other hard-to-bear things when the memory pops into your head. I think next stage in "recovery" is accepting that you will, from time to time, feel these horrible feelings. Life will never be the same again. But maybe it will be better because you have seen your relationship is strong enough to endure this terrible knock -- and not many couples can be confident of that.

I have to agree with dittany. Also he considers the affair 'in the past'. I hope that doesn't mean he expects you to get over it any time soon. Was the affair cooling when you found out or would it still be going on? I think you are handling it TOO well. You are entitled to get angry, it's early days. I know I'm no help but I hope you find help from other posters who have been through similar.

Anyway getting back to the op, there is no set time. As you have already discovered it 's something you think about a little less each day. Eventually you will realise you didn't think about it yesterday or last week. Changing rooms was a good idea, anything that reminds you should be changed. I think you are doing very well, but don'tbe suprised if you seem to goback. It's a bit like grief I think. Does he still have contact with her at work? Is that a problem for you?

In answer to your question, you are nowhere near healed yet - and I think it's expecting far too much of yourself to expect to be, any time soon. The most sensible timescale I read about was 2 years.

I suspect the arguments about blame don't really help you in your dilemma, but FWIW I don't agree that someone who never made vows to you owed you nothing. I wouldn't feel comfortable knowingly deceiving a stranger and taking part in an activity that was going to cause that stranger and her DCs pain, so in so far as we all have a duty of care to fellow human beings, I think she owed you something. I also don't subsribe to the view expressed here that if it hadn't been her, it might have been someone else. So many affairs are about timing and opportunity - and the way the protagonists were feeling about themselves at that point in time.

I agree with your 50-50 assessment, but I would have to challenge you taking even 5% of the blame for his affair. In fact you had 50% responsibility for the marriage but 0% responsibility for the affair. He had other options available to him if he had any misgivings about your relationship, but chose an affair instead.

I can tell you what the very best steps are for recovery - and I think you are making brilliant progress. What perhaps is not happening - and needs to though - is that your H gets to the bottom of his character flaws that led him to an affair, so the individual counselling as others have said, is really crucial.

He also shouldn't be waiting for you to ask questions about it all - he should be starting conversations with you and volunteering information if that's what you need.

I wouldn't make any rules for yourself about the questions you ask either - you either want to know everything, or just some details. There is no right or wrong way.

Making changes is a great idea, as is ensuring that your life is full and absorbing.

Another mistake you might be making is to share in his belief that things will "get back to normal". They won't - and shouldn't. Your relationship has been irrevocably altered and this ought to be about building a new, infidelity-proofed relationship. It is however possible to build an even stronger union, but believe me, it is only really possible if your H takes full responsibility for his actions and gets to the bottom of how it was possible for him to do this.

What you will also learn is to trust his actions in everything and not his words. If he is genuinely sorry for the great hurt inflicted and makes changes to his character and behaviour, there is hope. If he does everything to make your life easier at the moment, recognising that you are in fact suffering a great trauma, there is hope. If he is doing everything in his power to boost youir self-esteem and help you feel good about yourself, these are all good signs.

The instant you feel that it's even more important to him that he understands this, is a watershed moment. Because infidelity is about the person practising it - and not the primary partner, the primary relationship or the OW. The OW's H would be wise to reach similar conclusions.

WWIFN puts things very succinctly and I wish I had the words to say it so well! I really wanted to get across that I thought you sounded pretty level headed OP and was impressed with how you were dealing with things.

Dittany, you are quite right, no need to have made reference to you as I could have made my own opinions clear without.

dittany

I would like to explain why I can rationalise (and attempt to forgive) his actions, but that I am unable to rationalise hers. I imagine this would apply to lots of affair siutaions.

I've known DH for a very long time and I am aware of his good points and more relevantly here, his not so good points. I have lived with him for such a long time and been through so much with him that I have seen how he behaves and what feelings he has. I know about his childhood and the events that shaped him. Therefore, having worked at it by using this knowledge and grilling him, I am able to understand his actions. Although obviously they were wrong (understatement!), I can understand the "logic" (ironic!) behind them. The OW - I've met her once and know a few things about her. I don't know her well and I don't know about her life so it is not possible for me to rationalise her actions in any more than a generic manner. This is why I put in my OP that I think she should be ashamed of herself - because it is the default which is probably correct for the majority of people who have had affairs. This includes my DH obviously, he should feel ashamed of this particular situation until the day he dies. The OW - I don't need to understand it from her perspective because like you have said, if it wasn't her, it would have been someone else (so her personal perspective is not relevant to me or to the recovery of my marriage), we had fundamental marital problems which were due 100% to me and DH. Perhaps I have also failed to express myself properly. My aim in mentioning her in the OP was firstly that I don't feel anything much (other than the shame) for her now, and secondly to give a better picture of my circumstances so that people could help me. I have only subsequently mentioned her in order to clarify things in response to other posts.

FWIW, I do think, like WWIFN and others have said that she had a certain amount of responsibility to me - she knew I had 2 preschoolers etc. She had a responsibility to me as a fellow human being - it is not acceptable to go around doing things to please yourself when those things destroy other people. Shame is a reasonable emotion for me to feel towards her IMO. And far healthier than me wanting to interfere in her life/do something to hurt her in some way.

I have definitely not got my anger projected onto her. My initial anger has reduced and cannot be shouted at DH continually. It can be sometimes, but not all the time, otherwise we can't recover. I am still angry with DH and on these occasions when I have to, I rant at my mum who is happy to help me and understands why I should not rant at DH every single time I feel like it. I might say to him later on in the day, I had a bad moment, I've ranted but we are still going to press on together.

To those who've mentioned DH's job - yes, in an ideal world, he should change it. But, as I am a SAHM with preschoolers, we are currently reliant on the one income so we cannot risk it. It's hard, but at this point in time, I think that we can tolerate it. I do trust DH now - even if the OW offered it on a plate, DH is confident that there is no way he would ever go there again. Not with her, not with anybody.

ducati - that is a really nice story. I hope me and DH can get there!

Regarding "failure". Neither of us have failed at the marriage because we are still hanging in there and we are going to fix it. We nearly failed, but we didn't. DH has failed himself in that he has broken his own moral code and hurt people he loves. He is going to have to try and forgive himself for that which is going to be very hard.

Thanks to everyone who has made positive comments as well. It is uplifting to hear that people think we are on the right track. Also, underlining to me that I am not aiming to get things to "normal", I am aiming to get the marriage solid and need to accept that bad thoughts and work towards decreasing their frequency. The negative comments are also welcome, I cannot bury my head in the sand and I do need to examine what we are doing so that I can be sure that it's right.