DH had an affair - what is the timescale of the healing process?

[swordinthestone]

Wondering if anyone could share their experience...

We have 2 preschoolers, DH has recently had a short affair with a colleague. It happened because he works long hours and totally detatched himself from me and the kids and spent a lot of time with a particular colleague. The affair stopped when I found out about it and we had a short separation (requested by DH). The affair had a heavy emotional component as well as the obvious. This does figure as we were having sex so it wasn't like he was frustrated in that way. It is the general married man with 2 little kids cliche affair!

He came back and has been back a month and generally our recovery is going pretty well. We have made lots of changes at home and we are both positive about the future. DH considers the affair to be "in the past" although will answer any questions that I have.

The problem is this... I think about him having sex/spending time with OW every day. It isn't the first thing I think about in the morning any more, but it still comes into my head many times a day. When will it stop doing this? It does not prevent me from getting on with what I need to get on with anymore. What is the next stage in the recovery? I just don't know what to expect and how far we have got with the recovery?

I can deal with the fact it happened becuase I am quite a realistic person, but I just don't want to think about it anymore. I want it to go away.

My only feelings regarding OW are that she should be ashamed of herself (she's married with 3 DC). I no longer feel like I want to shout at her or whatever. I just feel pity for her as I feel that she has let herself, her DH and her DC down repeatedly (not the first time she has cheated, or indeed the second ).

Any words of wisdom appreciated, particuarly wrt when I will stop thinking about it every day.

Dittany...what is your biscuit of choice ?

Hi everyone, I am doing OK!

DH has not blamed me at all for this affair. He simply thought that he didn't love me and is pretty inexperienced and had no concept of a marriage going through tough patch when kids are small and he is working hard to get his career to a good position. In having the affair, he made the mistake, not me so he cannot possibly blame me. None of my behaviour has been unreasonable and he fully accepts this.

Also, I am not trapped at all. I am only 32, if I wanted, I could easily start over with someone else and have more kids/be on my own. I do not feel at all bad about myself physically or mentally - DH made a mistake and I am not going to allow that to be a reflection on my character - I knew we were having a hard time, but I did not choose to have an affair. I did try and talk to him, but I was stonewalled and by this stage, the OW was on the scene emotionally so nothing I said had any impact. DH did not slate me to the OW, he just told her he didn't love me.

His emotional attachment to the OW is definitely over. Whilst he was emotionally attached to her, he was treating me like crap, both when I didn't know about the affair AND when I did know about the affair. Now he is treating me like a wife and since we started from such a bad place, many improvements have been very quick and easy to make (spent a day out together at the weekend without kids - not done since eldest born).

I also like the idea of helping someone else to get through pain, think that will really help.

My parents are divorced, my uncle is also divorced and both times, I remember the affairs and I remember what it was like for the people involved. I was aged probably 10+ when it started. Also, I have also seen my other uncle and aunty recover (very well) from her affair 30 years ago, so I know it can be done if both parties want to.

DH and I are both extremely determined people, one of the many things we have in common so we both believe that we can do this and that neither of us will ever allow a third person into the marriage again.

Lovely post sword, you husband is very very lucky to be married to you, and I suspect your friends are lucky to have you as a friend.

X (Hope no one was looking - I just do not do biscuits!

Great to hear from you OP and I am so pleased to read about your thinking.

Please do get that book Not Just Friends. It sounds as though your H was someone the author describes as a "monogamous infidel" which sounds strange out of context, but basically means that he was a non-compartmentaliser and could not sustain an attachment to more than one romantic partner at the same time.

This usually means that in order to form an attachment to someone else, the person has to detach and distance from the primary partner before he can be unfaithful. This is often subconscious, but it is about creating a gap.

Saw your reference to your H being inexperienced about marriage. I now think Not Just Friends ought to be on the required reading list before anyone enters into a relationship!

You will still get bad days, or weeks. But if you keep your sense of self as intact as it obviously is, I think you as a person will recover from this. This is the aim, over and above whether your marriage recovers. It is actually far more important that you heal and emerge sane, emotionally healthy, happy and with your self-esteem intact. This is a far better result, what ever the outcome of the marriage, than becoming depressed and bitter. Good luck to you.

SITS, your H sounds very much like mine - couldn't compartmentalize at all and was utterly vile to me whilst having the affair and after he left me for OW (for about 5 weeks).

Be prepared for your emotions to change and I know I felt an all encompassing rage towards my DH and the OW a number of months down the line. TBH I think I was in a state of post traumatic stress for the first few months and was so concerned with repairing the marriage for the DC who were totally traumatised by their father leaving.

If your H's behaviour was truly appalling (like my DH's) be prepared for him to only realise the true extent of what he has done and what he did to you and your DC a number of months down the line as well. Me and my DH have taken more weekends away (w/o DC) in the last year than we have in the previous 12 and my DH still gets extremely emotional during these times, fully understanding the impact of the affair and how all our lives could have ended up.

I am literally a year down the line and I think I haven't processed everything as much as I would have liked. I am going to try some individual counselling now - I have a lot of issues from my childhood/past that the affair has brought to the surface and I think a need some professional help to deal with them and the affair.

Good luck with everything.

wow, swords, you sound very together and I think you and your DH have every chance of recovering from his foolishness x