DH had an affair - what is the timescale of the healing process?

[swordinthestone]

Wondering if anyone could share their experience...

We have 2 preschoolers, DH has recently had a short affair with a colleague. It happened because he works long hours and totally detatched himself from me and the kids and spent a lot of time with a particular colleague. The affair stopped when I found out about it and we had a short separation (requested by DH). The affair had a heavy emotional component as well as the obvious. This does figure as we were having sex so it wasn't like he was frustrated in that way. It is the general married man with 2 little kids cliche affair!

He came back and has been back a month and generally our recovery is going pretty well. We have made lots of changes at home and we are both positive about the future. DH considers the affair to be "in the past" although will answer any questions that I have.

The problem is this... I think about him having sex/spending time with OW every day. It isn't the first thing I think about in the morning any more, but it still comes into my head many times a day. When will it stop doing this? It does not prevent me from getting on with what I need to get on with anymore. What is the next stage in the recovery? I just don't know what to expect and how far we have got with the recovery?

I can deal with the fact it happened becuase I am quite a realistic person, but I just don't want to think about it anymore. I want it to go away.

My only feelings regarding OW are that she should be ashamed of herself (she's married with 3 DC). I no longer feel like I want to shout at her or whatever. I just feel pity for her as I feel that she has let herself, her DH and her DC down repeatedly (not the first time she has cheated, or indeed the second ).

Any words of wisdom appreciated, particuarly wrt when I will stop thinking about it every day.

For a longer perspective - dh had his affair about five years ago (more or less, I'm not very date orientated) and it was as far as these things go quite bad, although as she lived in a different country there wasn't really a serious option of it working.

Anyway, just to say that although I don't subscribe to the bad things make you stronger view (in fact I think it is total rubbish) we do now have a very good relationship and a very happy family (we also had two small children) and I feel in general in a pretty happy place, something I would probably have found inconceivable in my darker days.

For the OP, I think that you have to think long term. I agree with WWIFN that two years is probably a fairly good benchmark for "recovery", which I found was the point when I started to think about the OW as an ex girlfriend more than a mistress. Someone I'd rather didn't exist, but of no real importance to me. (Personally I think that your feelings towards the OW are a perfectly good benchmark, simply because your feelings your your dh are just so much more complex).

As far as your emotions, the questions you want to ask and everything else, I'd go for doing whatever you feel is right at the time, and not beating yourself up about it. If you want to ask, ask, if you don't don't. I didn't think there is any right or wrong here, it's all about you and how you process things. The way that you have posted seems a pretty balanced view (I expect there are also days when you just feel "you bastard" and that is absolutely fine and normal too) and although many people will absolutely not understand how you could possibly be so forgiving, don't let them tell you that you are wrong to feel the way you do. One of the most positive things I got out of the pain was the realisation that I was a pretty great person. I was morally upstanding, strong, setting my own destiny and in control (funny how people often will tell you the opposite, as if the only acceptable response is to thrown them and all their stuff out the door) taking your erring partner back into your life does not have to be a passive thing after all.

Only you know whether your love is well founded. Certainly I think it took my dh about six months, probably more to realise that. For me the most important things at the time were great friends (who seriously didn't understand what I was doing, but supported me nonetheless) and then a course of counseling, which helped me to understand myself and my motivations as well as my relationships (not just with dh), and also some of the patterns of behaviour that those relationships had fallen into.

One thing that I had to accept though is that my dh can never really understand the pain he put me through, because during the time when I felt that I was losing my sanity, had no anchor, and cried myself to sleep many nights, he was in the middle of a grand romance, and frankly felt fabulous (oh guilty as hell too I'm sure, but still this great teenage chemical rush). Once he came to his senses he did feel terrible, but it really wasn't in the same league. I don't think that can ever be balanced.

I always love to read Nooka's posts.

OP, I'm a little worried that you came on here asking for advice about how to cope with those intrusive thoughts - and instead you've had to defend yourself for your feelings. I hope this has been a useful and helpful thread for you.

I do wonder whether you are expecting too much of yourself here, and whether you are in fact suppressing perfectly acceptable feelings for the stage you are at in your recovery. Where I will agree with Dittany is that anger is an emotion like any other - and there will be many more months of feeling perfectly righteous anger. It's true that sometimes anger gets in the way of having a productive conversation with your H about the affair, but I hope you won't suppress it totally. It's like I say to our DCs - anger is good, but the trick is to express it in safe ways that don't harm you or others.

I also don't want you to feel bad or wrong for feeling huge anger towards the OW - this is perfectly normal at this stage and it doesn't mean that you are directing it - or the blame - exclusively in her direction. I've often said on here that I think the best one can hope for in terms of feelings towards the OW are a kind of neutrality, but that usually takes a long time to achieve. It's pretty hard to feel neutral at your stage though - and I don't want you to worry or feel you have to defend yourself if you harbour dark thoughts about her, although these too might pass.

I think it's been recommended downthread, but you and your H could be helped a lot by reading Not Just Friends, by Shirley Glass. There are hugely insightful chapters in it about dealing with intrusive thoughts and hyper-vigilance, as well as some really helpful exercises for couples to undertake during their recovery. It could be the best book you've ever read and it makes so much sense. It could have been written for your situation.

I also wanted to say to you that a month on, this is actually quite an energising situation, because you are still in "fight" mode. You perhaps feel as though your senses are still on high alert and you might be going through a phase of what has been described as "hysterical bonding" whereby your physical relationship seems much more intense.

However, be prepared for a time when you hit a bit of a wall, when the fight mode subsides. It's easier at this time to feel sad or even depressed and you might need some professional help at this point.

I also really want you to process your thoughts about the justification for why this has happened. It still sounds as though you are taking some responsibility for what happened, when that responsibility was entirely your H's. If you get that book, you will see a really helpful explanation of the "prevention myth". You might be comforting yourself now with a belief that if you do x, y or z, this couldn't happen again. But the reality is that there was nothing you could have done to prevent your H's choices. Which is why it is essential that he does the work on himself first. Only he could have prevented his infidelity, just as only you can prevent yours.

I agree with everything you have said in your last post Dittany, except one (very important) bit.

Most people having this type of affair do not set out to hurt their spouses deliberately. Rather, they believe at the time that their spouse is not feeling hurt at all, because they don't know about the affair and people always over-estimate their ability to compartmentalise while it is going on; in fact, some people do pull this off pretty successfully. Not everyone follows the same pattern of behaviour and many betrayed spouses report feeling no suspicions whatsoever and can recall no hurtful behaviour at all. The hurt comes after discovery.

Others don't compartmentalise at all, but at the time they believe that they are managing to do just that. This is why they feel so horrified after discovery when they hear the betrayed spouse's story and the anguish suffered while the affair was ongoing. It is this behaviour that betraying spouses have most difficulty forgiving themselves for - and tends to be the hardest thing for the betrayed to forgive too.

People in the midst of an affair rarely give much thought to the hurt and pain caused, because they think they'll never get found out. It is always a shock when they actually have to face the consequences of their actions and can see the enormous hurt inflicted by their own hands.

One of the reasons why some people on discovery decide to temporarily choose the alternative relationship is because they are not yet brave enough to face the hurt and recriminations from their spouse. The OW/OM can seem like a safe harbour at that time. It's not something I could have countenanced, but I understand why it happens.

While I accept that some affairs are entered into as a punitive act, I don't think it helps to categorise all affairs as deliberate acts undertaken with the express motive of hurting a spouse.

Totally agree WWIFN (I like your posts too, they are very reflective, and it's always nice to know that I'm not alone in choosing the path to rebuild). Dittany I agree that having an affair is an act of abuse. I certainly feel very abused. But I don't think it is always that conscious. Often it is an act of pure escapism. In fact the affair itself is not the worst bit really, it's the lies and deceit and opting out of fixing the problems that caused the wish for escape in the first place that case most of the pain and hurt. My dh for example convinced himself that our relationship was over, and that if I only I could also be free then I'd find someone much more suited than him. He even tried t tell me this once or twice in the very early stages of his relationship with the OW (when things were just emotional).

However I do agree that anger is a really important emotion and not being able to feel it is a serious disability (this was probably the thing I spent most time talking to the therapist about - in my family anger was not something that was encouraged at all). So OP do find way to let it out, and don't feel bad if you find yourself feeling very dark thoughts, just don't let yourself dwell on them to the point that you can't cope. If you suppress your angry thoughts too much you may find they come out on occasions when you would usually be fairly cool - I absolutely ranted and raved (think screaming banshee!) at my neighbour who decided to "tidy and prune" our joint flower bed one afternoon (this involved pulling up some of my favourite plants). I woudl have been angry regardless, but I have never behaved like that (I have to admit it was incredibly liberating, if fairly unfair!).

Have to agree with everything dittany has said.
Why are you ranting at your mum OP when you should be ranting at your dh?
Why are you sparing his feelings? He wasn't sparing yours when he was lying to you and having sex with someone else.

If he is truly remorseful for his actions he should realise that you need to ventilate your hurt and anger at him till you feel it's enough.

He was a twat, and now he has to take it on the chin.

If he can't cope with your distress then you have to wonder does he really want to own up to and accept his shame, or does he want to you forget it all and not make him feel the fallout of his shit actions?

SIS

My husband had an affair 5 years ago. He went on to be unfaithful again (not with the OW) although we are still together and trying to rebuild things once again. Like you, my h carried on working with the original OW after I discovered the affair.

I support all that WWIFN and nooka have said - they are very wise indeed.

I would add, as one of the hard lessons learned from my bad experience, that I wish I had made my h really feel the consequences of his actions more than I did. I was so anxious to get back to normal; to not keep poisoning the atmosphere by shouting at him or to keep rubbing his nose in it and make him run for the hills, that I don't think he properly saw the hurt and devastation that he had caused.

And I think I began to feel embarrassed by how long it was taking for me to feel better so i didn't mention it. I also think I projected my own feelings on to him - that is to say, if it had been me having the affair, my terrible shame and guilt would have been enough to put me off doing it ever again. But I'm afraid that for him, that was not enough. So I would advise you not to go too easy on him!

I could go on and on, but the other key thing I would advise is to set some absolutely crystal clear boundaries now as to his continuing interaction with the OW at work. I believe that my h doesn't have a sexual relationship anymore with the OW, but for the last 5 years I know from my snooping that he has been carrying on a flirty relationship with her (texts reminiscing about past sexual encounters; him commenting on her short skirts - you get the picture?)

And I have only in the last week after having had some proper counselling at last, realised that I needed to put a stop to this by writing down what I will not accept (eg no flirting; no lunches together; no instigating drinks after work; no mentioning me at all; no personal emails or texts etc etc). Why I did not do this straight away, I do not know. Please please get some boundaries set out clearly (as though to a child) and be prepared to enforce them, because it will make the healing much much faster. Good luck.

Just reading through some of the responses, I do think there is a tendency for some of the posters to take on a kind of victim mentality alongside a "string him up by the b attitude.

Don't get me wrong, I understand the hurt and anger behind that way of thinking.

I am only suggesting that for one's long term sanity it can be helpful to look at the whole situation from a slightly different perspective.

Chances are the errant husband didn't do it to be deliberately hurtful. Often I think people (men particularly) do not think through to the long term consequences of things when emotions/sexual attraction are involved.

I think for long term emotional health and healing it is important to get away from those intensely angry, negative emotions.

In a relationship of whatever type, people can exercise CHOICE. If a partner behaves in a way that is considered to be unacceptable then the other person can choose a number of different actions - to leave, to stay and try to work things through, to stay but be bitter and angry about it.

I am simply suggesting that if the wronged wife decides to try to make the relationship work, and the husband tries to make amends, there would come a time when the wronged wife has to move on from the feelings of anger, bitterness and trying to punish her errant husband for his sins. Otherwise, I presume that the errant husband would just ge to the stage of thinking "what is the point of all this?"

Believe me, I know how disappointing it is when a man lets you down (whether father/husband/brother etc). And I agree that infidelity is a massive betrayal. But, unfortunately it can and does happen and why let it "ruin" the rest of anyone's life?

f you can get to a stage where you feel strong and fulfilled in yourself, it does not necessarily have to mean the end of the world. That is all I am trying to say!

Good post Poodie.

There is a difference between forgiveness and acceptance. Certainly time should ease the path towards acceptance; forgiveness? I am not so sure. Perhaps it is enough to accept?

Just to say thanks for the latest responses, they are very helpful, but I am still battling to get my youngest to sleep!

poodie - I do agree with you that it is possible and desirable to get to the point where you can drop the bitterness and move on. And that you can't expect to beat someone over the head with their mistake for the rest of their natural life.

What I argue is that it is a mistake to slip too quickly back into normality, however tempting it might be. I think it is potentially a disaster just to sew all the hurt up inside you and paper over the cracks. I think you have to take the opportunity to make some tough, positive changes. Or it will happen again.

Good insights from Poodie here and I agree it's not helpful to view oneself long term as a victim. I also don't think it helps to continue to think punitively. However, it usually takes a long time to get to that point.

I think there will always be a dissonance between posters who are presumably commenting from a theoretical perspective and those of us who are in the process of rebuilding relationships. For the latter camp, we know the spouses involved and have a greater insight into their personalities and our own relationships. Affairs do not always follow the same pattern and for example, contrary to what Dittany says, my H was not blaming me at any point pre, during or post-affair. I know that others' experiences have been different though.

On another point, while I agree that affairs are an emotionally abusive act, it follows that this behaviour is not exclusive to men. Women have affairs too and are consequently emotionally abusive to their partners. Therefore while I agree the Lundy book is a valid work on male emotional abuse, I don't think it brings any new insights into affairs and infidelity per se. What this book does allow one to see however is whether an affair is yet another emotionally abusive act in a long series of such acts, or whether it was an aberration in someone who was not emotionally abusive before, or afterwards.

I hope you are getting some help from this thread OP and that you will not try to rush through the stages necessary for proper healing. It's a long journey, but it cannot be rushed.

Dittany actually I agree with both your last two posts. Neither "I didn't mean it" or "I didn't think that you would find out" are in any way acceptable excuses. indeed they strike me as very childish. I would agree that my dh's behaviour was abusive (and that the lying was the worst thing). I think he was an absolute shit to be frank. I also agree with poodie and menopausemad, it is perhaps more about acceptance than forgiveness. If I put my mind to it I can still feel some of the rage about dh's actions, but I have moved on. I have other things that are more important to my life now, and part of that is the new relationship that we have built. And I guess that's key. You have to say goodbye to the old relationship, with all the grief that entails, and then build the new one. Doing both at he same time is very hard, although many people do it successfully (dh and I didn't really start liking each other much until we chose to spend time together once he had moved out).

One of the most important things that my therapist helped me to understand is that you can only take responsibility for your own path. dh chose to take the wrong path for a bit. That was not my responsibility but his. My responsibility is to true to myself, reflect on my thoughts and behaviour and strive to grow in a positive direction. That's what I would focus on at this point OP, you have a lot of personal recovery to do, because having your trust broached is very damaging to your sense of worth.

Oh and finally I agree with MadamDeathstare. Helping other people is incredibly validating. In fact having said that I don't believe that bad things make you stronger, I would say that my experience in having been supported and helped so much has made me much more likely to help other people, because I know how hard it is to ask for support, and how wonderful it is to receive it, and I have discovered as a result that very little else gives such a warm feeling as handing some of that on even in really small ways.

WhenWillIFeelNormal talked about two 'camps' (I know those were not your words!). Nooka you have provided a superb summary of a 'middle way'. The affair was the husband's responsibility and excuses just don't cut it however, one can only change how oneself feels and acts.

If I may summarize again, take time, be kind to yourself and do not expect too much of yourself. This has been a very very painful experience and it might take a lot of time (even years) for you to rebuild your confidence. That is OK. It is not a sign of weakness, neither is it a sign of weakness to still want to love your husband.

Sword I really do wish you well and would love to hear how you are.

Sorry, lest there is any confusion, the two camps I was referring to were those who haven't gone through this and tried to forgive - and those who have. I also want to make it clear that I also don't accept any escuses of "I didn't want to hurt you" and "I thought I would never be found out" because of course as long as there is certainty that this would hurt, if discovered, there can be no excuse. Doing something wrong isn't less wrong if there's little chance of discovery, after all.

What I was however trying to point out was that not every affair has amongst its motives, a desire to punish, hurt or blame. Hurt will however always be a consequence of it, if discovered. However it is not uncommon at all for people to delude themselves that what someone doesn't know about, won't hurt them.

If there is no real evidence of an unknowing spouse hurting, a betrayer all too easily convinces themselves that an affair can continue, because on the face of it, no-one is suffering. It is however a massive delusion, but one necessary for people who like to think of themselves as fundamentally kind and decent, or they would never be able to live with themselves at the time. After discovery, the unfaithful party however has to confront this, along with everything else about their character - that they only feel genuine guilt when they are caught.

As stated downthread, this is not a delusion that is peculiar to men. Women who are having affairs sometimes post on these boards about how they over-compensate with care and attention towards their unsuspecting spouses, so that they can delude themselves that no-one is getting hurt. And when ever women post on here about a one night stand or brief affair that is regretted, the majority of posters will urge them not to tell their H, because it would "hurt him unnecessarily". People delude themselves all the time that it is the discovery that hurts, rather than the behaviour itself.....

P.S Dittany, if you are still reading - I often wish you would post on threads about female infidelity and women who are lying, deceiving and keeping secrets from their Hs. Your opinion that affairs are emotionally abusive and that a behaviour is still hurtful even if someone doesn't know about it, would be especially powerful on such threads.

Gosh, Dittany, no offence but you continue to surprise me with your dryness which sometimes borders on unfriendliness

Am not picking an argument, btw

You are such a clever and perceptive person, I don't understand why you are not warmer

No need to reply, unless you want to tear a strip off me for making a personal comment, which is of course, your right

Dittany, I genuinely have never seen you post on threads like that - and there have been several recently - which is why I made the comment. Have you actually posted like that in the past year or so? I do not seek to distract at all. I am actually paying you a compliment in that I think your testimony would be enormously powerful.

I do not share your experience of male intolerance to infidelity, in that in RL, I have known more men forgive than women. There are also male posters here who have done so, but again I have never seen you on their threads.

I agree that male infidelity is abusive in part because more women are financially dependent on males, but the other side of the coin is that when women are unfaithful and leave, more men than women lose not just their partner, but the opportunity to live with their children. So there is suffering for both men and women and I do not think there is a hierarchy of suffering based on gender differences. Infidelity is horrible to be on the receiving end of, whether you are male or female. I'm not sure if you are saying that male infidelity is always worse and more abusive than female infidelity? If so, I cannot agree with you.

As I have stated on this thread too, I heartily agree with the counsel to the OP that she should not suppress her anger.

< shrugs >

< offers a custard cream >