Toxic mother and WWYD

[runt]

I am 41. From my earliest memories relationship with my mother has been very difficult. She has a very cruel temprament. I am for the first point in my life at the point where I think I will break contact off.

Latest incident was very unpleasant and left me feeling as if I had been physically assaulted. She wrote to me, recorded delivery, cancelling an agreed visit and returning various paraphernalia

For the last two months we have not been in touch.

Cons
I don't want to prevent her seeing my dc's, but I recoil at the prospect of contacting or seeing her but do not want to involve the c's. They are still very young.

Pros
The latest incident is just one in a long line of incidents that were appalling for me.

Anyone cut off contact with a prent, btw I am one of 4 c's and I doubt they will follow xsuit - too much money at stake.

Not a parent , no, but several siblings. Was hard at the time as despite their horrible treatment of me i still felt terribly guilty as they intended, im sure you know what i mean.
I havent thought about it in years actually, its no longer an issue.

Whats your mother like with your children ?

you might find this website helpful

I don't fit either of your respondent criteria. Am not a parent and am in contact. You need to break the emotional ties, which make you so vulnerable to her manipulations that you feel assaulted. There are many ways of doing this, and most of us have to use several of them. Breaking contact is a valid and useful tool.

It's possible to do it un-dramatically, and arguably just as useful. Remember how you used drop a boyfriend or girl friend, by becoming unresponsive & never calling back? Much like that. Before making your choices, it'd be a good idea to do some reading around it - and find a decent therapist, they can help you minimise her influence on your feelings.

Good luck

if she's so awful why do you want her in your DCs life?
if she's a truely toxic parent then are you sure she wont use your Cs as tools to get to you (and damage them or their relationship with you in the process)?

Some grandparents magically resolve all their issues, where the second generation is concerned. Some continue playing out their toxic scripts - my mum does; my sibs have now restricted contact with their DC. In any case: if the parent is adversely affected by the grandparent, the children's relationship with the gp will be tainted by that. So it's important for the parent to balance her own responses (by NC if necessary) for the children's welfare, as well as her own.

I have cut my mother out of my life for good.

She and my first h fought me for cusody of ds.

I cut off contact then. I foolishly gave her a second chance and while she has been back in my life , my second marriage has rapidly broken down, and she is now in constant contact with him, ripping me to shreds. I suspect they will try the custody stuff again.

In therapy now I am discovering just how abusive my childhood actually was.

I will never, ever, have anything to do with the witch as long as I live. I am looking forward to the day she dies.

runt

You don't want to prevent her seeing her gc's?. What are the real reasonings behind that - fear, obligation and guilt?. Like many adult victims of toxic parents you are caught in the FOG (i.e the fear, obligation, guilt) trap.

It is okay to go no contact if this is what you really want.

Stately Homes thread on these pages could well be helpful to you along with finding a good therapist to deal with the feelings regarding your toxic mother.

When my parents divorced, I was a teenager and they both used their c's to get at the other one, I don't want to use my c's in this way. She would sell it to the rest of the family that was what I had done, and what would I say to my c's? They have an ok relationship with her and they love her. I see it as their decision not mine.

She is not very interested in them but I don't think she has damaged them, never has been, but has looked after them, gives them presents. The only dysfunctional thing she does is with my dd who is still pre school, she has always commented on my dd's figure, her body, fat, slim, her legs etc...I have told her not to do this but it went over dd's head at the time.

I would like to cut off with her the non dramatic way, but I want her to be able to see the c's but I just do not want to see her myself I am physically recoiling from seeing her after the latest incident. My ds is 7 and dd 4. I just do not know how I am going to set up a visit. My dh says he is happy to host any visit, he sometimes is at home when I am at work.

Lately, the only thing that has comforted me is imagining a time when she can no longer hurt me, after her life comes to an end, and after that there will be no more of this.

Thank you all for your kind posts.

It is just so crap not having a mother. Some of my friends and acquaintances, their parents are normal, they love their children, they are interested in them, they are not jealous of them, they want the best for them, they are there for them when they are needed, they are not narcissitic

I am a good mother to my two. I shout, am grumpy and lazy at times, weary but I love them and I have never ever ever been cruel or vindictive or scornful.

by the way I was astonished to get my 'runt' name, I thought it would have gone years ago!!

I am frightened of no contact, I want the least stressful option for me. Need strategies to manage the situation.

If I go no contact, my sibs will ostracise me, they will not see me if I am not seeing her. We are not close anyway. Divide and rule was my mothers policy. My c's will lose contact with their cousins. They do not see much of them but see them once or twice a year. My dh sibs have no children.

I have no uncles or aunts, if I cut contact with her that will be it. My father is dead.

I cut contact with myh mother 13 years ago when I was 27. It was one of the best things I have ever done.

One of the great things about the Internet is that it makes you feel less alone. Until I came to MN last year, I had only ever met two other people who have done this but now I know there are loads of us.

You are an adult, you can decide not to keep putting yourself in the firing line. I would let DH host a couple of visits, over time you may choose not to let your Mum see your kids. Personally, I'm not sure I would let them.

You do not know for sure your siblings will ostracise you, although you well may be right. I woudl e-mail them/send a letter explaining that you want to keep your relationship with them (if you do) and why you want no contact with your Mum.

I have never for a moment regretted my decision and it was like a huge weight coming off my shoulders. Good luck (btw your name is very telling).

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Thanks....you don't know what she has done to me and the effect she has had on every single aspect of my life. And I hope you never do.

It is truly awful to have a mother who thinks that you are evil, have magical powers over people, and because of such, must be destroyed. Her children must be taken away from her before she ruins their lives....husbands must be told the truth about how evil she is......"how many more lives must be destroyed before someone stops her" IE me.

Imagine a photo of a six month old baby...that baby in that picture is evil and demonic....you can tell because of it's eyes. And that baby has been told that over and over again.

That baby was me.

And that lunatic who believes all that, is on the LA adoption committee.

For the record: I have two assessments of my mental health in the last twelve months. There is absolutely nothing wrong with me....save for being an abused child.

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I know enough about abusive behaviour to know when I am being " defined"....that's what abusers do.

So in the words of one Ms P. Evans.......

WHAT?

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allsweetness, your judgement on others - and, by extension, me - has made me quite angry. I don't tell you how to feel about your parents, you're out of order to tell me how to feel about mine.

I didn't exactly dance on my dad's grave but I sure as hell felt relieved. I am not young by any standards.

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thisishowifeel told you of a parent who believed her to be possessed. About once a year in the UK, a child is tortured to death by parents who feel that way. Are you saying their experience was "not too bad", as well? Should they have 'honoured' their parents?

Sorry for hijack, runt. And for the melodrama ... but some things really are that 'dramatic'.

End of what? You'd rather I were dead?

It's a bit rich to accuse someone of childishness and use a phrase like 'End of', in my opinion. But I am sorry for everybody's painful experiences on this thread.

Sweetness , others are entitled to their feelings about their parents , its not for you to attempt to minimize their experience by suggesting that it isnt what they say it is. Why would you think you know more about her experience than she does ?

Thisishowifeel, totally get your point about being defined. Very unpleasant.

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