Toxic mother and WWYD

[runt]

I am 41. From my earliest memories relationship with my mother has been very difficult. She has a very cruel temprament. I am for the first point in my life at the point where I think I will break contact off.

Latest incident was very unpleasant and left me feeling as if I had been physically assaulted. She wrote to me, recorded delivery, cancelling an agreed visit and returning various paraphernalia

For the last two months we have not been in touch.

Cons
I don't want to prevent her seeing my dc's, but I recoil at the prospect of contacting or seeing her but do not want to involve the c's. They are still very young.

Pros
The latest incident is just one in a long line of incidents that were appalling for me.

Anyone cut off contact with a prent, btw I am one of 4 c's and I doubt they will follow xsuit - too much money at stake.

I have to agree with Attilla, I would love it if your changed your name runt. To something positive, because you are.

I am doing inner child therapy at the moment, it is very intense, but it is working. I didn't realise the extent to which these toxic individuals can blight a whole life. She's not having any more of mine. She is not going to define me any more.

I am having this therapy on the nhs, via the GP. Maybe a visit to yours would be a good first step.

Same to hahaimawitch

hey runt big hugs!

i have cut out my dad. i ummed and ahhed about it for years because he was a nightmare buti felt guilty etc etc but when i got engaged to dh he got v hysterical and even though it was afr from the worst behaviour from him it was the final straw. i got preg with dd about a year later and it suddenly occured to me that i didnt want to bring her up to beleive that you had to tolerate abusive behaviour from someone just because they are a relative. i also feel even more strongly that i should stand by this because dd is a girl and my dad is a man.

my dad doesn't know i got married and had dd and although i think of him often i no longer feel guilty. i have been through enough and feel that i deserve an adult life free from the emtional rollercoaster of dealing with dad. i feel like i owe dd a mum who isn't going through that too.

my half sister has tried to bully/emotionallly blackmail me into to resuming contact and made it clear she doesn't want to have a relationship with me independently of our father - well its her loss and consequently she hasnt seen dd either although she knows about her.

iwould also rec the stately homes thread and i hope this post was in someway helpful to you

ThisishowIfeel:thanks for another clue on my path: on being 'defined'-that is a subliminal trigger for me. People that want to tell me what I think: makes my teeth itch.

Runt- it is hard to change the family dynamic especially after years/decades of being brainwashed into a family 'role'. Trust your gut. You (and your dc, and your family unit) is what is most important. Family of origin, (extended family) takes a diminished role in your life when you become an adult, marry (dp), and have dc of your own.

I am presenting this tedious reasoning for you as a seed for emotional detachment. Like plants in the garden that need to be divided and separated to continue to thrive.

Your happiness depends on you and no one else. Problems-you resolve for you. You can not resolve the others' problems for them; they must do that for themselves.

The oppressive stress that they are causing you, including the damned if you do (siblings)/damned if you don't (mother) dilemma should provide some validation and clarity that you are making the right decision to find relief.

Money is a kicker, though. You'll just need to decide where your threshold is going to be and honor yourself before worring too much about the others, even if it is your mother.

Sorry if this is repetitious, only read the first page of posts. I'll read the rest.
Fwiw, my folks are deceased and I've had to severely reduced contact with a sister who is single/no dc. Heading for complete nc. Slow process, over two years now.

Am sorry runt I haven't read the whole thread. But I can completely relate to your early posts.

I delayed going NC with my parents for years, when i my heart I knew it was what I wanted and needed to do for my the sake of my well being. I finally one day reached the point where my need to go NC with my parents was greater than my fear of being ostracised by my sisters if I went NC.

That was 4 years ago. After I went NC with my parents I was ostracised and blamed by my sisters. At that time I thought me and my sisters had a good relationship but over the years I have come to realise that we actually did not have a good relationship at all and I lost nothing by their rejection of me.

Hi Runt (name change?)
Yes, taking up, well, too much brain space. Thinking about it seemingly beyond your will to choose for yourself what you should be thinking about...my sister is still rankling my thoughts, but it is fading now and getting better. I have been slow to (be able to) replace it with something else-thus the habit of the toxin seeping back into the vaccume.

It does get you down, but try not to let it consume you. Pick up in other areas and that will have a bouyancy effect and help lift this load up and off of you. It is about the power of positive thinking.

You are the only one who can make you feel guilty about anything. Really! Think about it. Why are the others' opinions so so important?

I agree with Grace on duty. Perhaps the only true duty is a parent's duty to a child. Duty to your siblings? Question it.

Like CherryandAlmondTart, I too thought for decades that my relationship with my Middle Sister was a good one. It was all on her terms though and she did change in how she treated me. Her targets for superiority supply eroded away and then she turned on me. But I knew her degradations of me was to sort of neutralize me so she could have my daughter (15) as a favored target.

Runt- (-osanctuary? ) It is a gut feeling of mine that your children will be used by your mother. This type of person just can't help it, its a reflex to get their supply. So it is your duty to your dc to protect them, shield them, or at the very least, have debriefing/detox conversations after every contact whether they are chaperoned or not.

Sorry my post(s) go on and on. That is part of my 'issue' from my mother/sister's damage to me-communication skills-yikes! Thanks Attila for the idea that the problem isn't me, it was my mother. But I do have sets of problems because of my mother (ACOA for starters).

I agree re changing your name. It's a seemingly small pyschological step to take, but very important and a positive step in the right direction. You are beautiful and one day you will believe it for yourself.

Kind of you all to post.

It is so scary, all this NC the longer it goes on. She has always demonised me and I imagine that she is doing a PR job with the rest of the family making out how bad I am - I am a bit cowardly I suppose.

In my heart of hearts I do not want NC, I just want to keep my distance but deprive her of the opportunity to exclude me from the rest of the family. If I go NC the sibs will not want an independant relationship with me.

Are you sure they won't? (Sorry I've missed the answer to that upthread.) You don't have to do a big number on it, just phase her out and maintain your ordinary levels of contact with the sibs.

Mine have backed off quite a lot recently, I suspect because my own 'process' is going quite fast now; I imagine it makes them uneasy. When I was NC though, they were fine except when it came to family meet-ups. I just gently said I didn't feel I'd be a happy addition to the party, but would like to make another arrangement to see them. They were okay with it.

My mum's triangulation tactics are a bit woolly, though, and I'm aware a lot of other people get stuck in hideous backstabbing campaigns with family. If it's REALLY bad, it's got to be time you dumped the lot of 'em - you could still organise for DCs to get face time, just write yourself out of the adults' saga.

If they're badmouthing you, how much does it hurt you? Do you care more about your sibs than your mum?

I see whall you all mean about me name, is it so bad? It does sum up how I am treated by my mother so it seemed so fitting and sort of witty in an ironic way hey ho, not sure I can be bothered to name change again.

Grace, they have this inert power over me - bizarre really as the contact is so remote and infrequent.

I have been utterly demonised by my mother, and she says that my sisters want nothing more to do with me as I am so evil. That's fine. I know that am not evi, and at the moment I am really fucking angry that Ihave been defined that way for all of my life...TO DATE!

If at som point my sisters would like to face up to the reality of our famiy, then I may be accomodating. If their children want to be in touch, without their parents, that is fine.

The last time I went NC, I lost all of my family, this time I have made sure that I remain in ouch with extended family on my late fathers side. My mother was a serial adulterer, and while they tolerate her they feel that her treatment of me is all wrong. They reached that conclusion all by themselves.

They reckon that if I am as sick as she maintains, a normal mother would do everything in her power to address such problems, not go round telling the world and his dog how evil I am. People are not stupid!

The innerchild therapy is so hard, but it is working. I DO NOT DESERVE to be demonised, by anyone. I am a good person, actually, I am a lovely person, a fantastic mother, despite my role models, and I derserve the world.

And Runt SO DO YOU!!!!!

Please change your name, to something like beautiful. Please be bothered to love yourself...a name change would be lovely.

Ok, by popular demand, I am now bonnemum, the jammy name I wanted had gone so this was the best I could do. How do you like it?

Vairry Franglais

Have any of the family noticed you're gone yet?

Well done bonnemum for the name change. Suits you better as well. Miles better than the old name which should be forever confined to the dustbin.

You are truly no runt, you are a strong and healthy adult with insight; something that your toxic mother will never have as long as she breathes.

Be around people who value you, not your Mother who sounds toxic not just towards you but your own family members as well.

Grace, I don't know they have not been in touch. I doubt they will be. Most of the contact with my sibs is routed through my mother.

Thank you both for your kindness.

I keep having this image in my mind. I am on a big liner, moving out of port, my mother is somewhere in the crowd, watching the ship go, the land has become a blur and it is impossible to pick her out.

I do feel very alone, but the above image leaves me feeling peaceful like some inexorable unstoppable process has begun.

Hooray!!!!!!

Je l'aime beaucoup!

I LOVE your liner imagery! Mind if I borrow it?

For what it's worth, I had lunch with a cousin on my dad's side today and we talked about Grandma, and what a character she was. I had my dc's with me, and they are interested in where they come from.

I have made sure this time, that my needs, and the needs of my dc's are met, by keeping in touch with extended family, on my dad's side. My needs,come first, then I can be a better mother.

I love your Liner! They go to nice, warm places, and are full of fun, food and swimming pools!

You're very welcome to it. It is odd, I did not think it up it just arrived in my head and keeps coming back.

bonnemum, well done on the name change! Positive step in the right direction.

I know you are worried about being cut off from your siblings if you go NC with your mother. But if they, your siblings, really and truly care about you and love you, and value their relationship with you, they will not allow your decision to affect their relationship with you. Perhaps at first they may be worried and confused and upset by you going NC, but as time goes by, they will find they miss you and want you in their lives, and will take steps to ensure this is so, despite you going NC with your mother.

OTOH, if your siblings do *not really care about you and do not value their relationship with you and do not respect you and your integrity as a person, then indeed, you going NC with your mother will adversely affect your relationship with them. However, if this is^ the case, then surely you have lost nothing? Your relationship fwith your siblings was tested and did not withstand the test and survive. In which case, those siblings are not really and truly your siblings, the bond between you was not strong enough to survive.

It has taken me a long time, but I have finally come to terms with the fact that probably, my sisters did not love me and value me as much as I had thought and hoped. My going NV has affected our relationship very badly, to the point where I now, through my own choice, have very little contact with my siblings.

But I take comfort from the words of one of my therapists. She said to me that my genetic siblings are not the only siblings I have. She said I can find 'sisters' and 'brothers' anywhere in this world. Blood is not thicker than water and I actually feel liberated by realising that my genetic siblings are not my only chance at having siblings and in fact they have proved not to be my siblings at all. I haven't yet found friends who might one day be like siblings to me, but I am totally open to this possibility and believe that as one door closes another door opens. There are many wonderful, kind, loving people in this world, you only have to open your eyes and your heart to them and in some of them you will find the sort of 'siblings' you deserve, who will value and respect you and truly care about you.

I will be cut off by them, all contact was through her give or take!

So be it.

Life is so hard.

Where is my mother. Oh don't you just wince when people you know talk about their normal mothers, where is mine, WHERE IS MINE!!!!

by the way do the rest of you change your names when you post in other forums? Not sure how I feel about posting about eg, my health problems when I am soooo exposed on this thread.

But on the other hand I can easily see that changing names dependant on the thread could be a recipie for tripping up.