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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I ended up telling mil about dh's anger issues

58 replies

springchik · 10/05/2010 20:45

So upset and confused about what to do. DH gets sowound up by our ds especially our 4 and a half year old. He shouts and loses his temper with him and my 4 year old always comes running to me and throws his arms around me and I comfort him. I let slip to my mil how upseting and stressful her sons behaviour is having on the family and she said shes keeping out of it (a first for her!) except to say children need discipline! I said yes they need discipline they do not need to have the fear of God put in them and to be bullied in to submission as a way of dealing with them
I said I cant see any future for the family and I have tried to stop him from acting like this and I just cant do it and the only way forward i can see is for h to leave. Mil said no you mustnt the consequences of that would be horendous. Please no. Ok I'll have a word against my judgement but I'll have a word. I wasnt asking for that she caught me when I was upset and vulnerable. She doesn't know most of what happens at home tbh.

OP posts:
EricNorthmansmistress · 10/05/2010 20:55

MIL won't actually achieve shit. I expect she tolerated and allowed this sort of behaviour as he was growing up so a 'talking to' won't change a thing. Do not be guilted into staying with him if it's not what you need to do. FWIW your DS deserves to be happy and cherished and not be shouted at all the time. I hope you find a way forward.

SirBoobAlot · 10/05/2010 20:56

Sorry to hear things are so bad. What else goes on - would you like to get it out?

4 year old are grating, but they certainly do not deserve to be on the receiving end of what you have described.

Do you think you'd be better off - and happier - without him?

traceybath · 10/05/2010 21:00

My DH has a temper and I have frequently discussed it with mil and in this case my DH was clearly repeating behaviour he'd seen growing up.

However unlike my mil - I do not accept it and DH has got a lot better. We discussed it when he was calm and I said I wouldn't tolerate it around the dc's and he accepted this and critically he didn't want to behave like that either.

Sometimes he still does lose his temper but not very often.

Does your DH realise he has anger management issues? Would he be willing to see someone about it?

I would really let him know how serious this is and what the implications will be if he deosn't try and fix it.

traceybath · 10/05/2010 21:01

Just re-read your post - is he good in other ways or is he generally abusive? Your post sounds very sad.

whatname · 10/05/2010 21:02

This is really difficult, it's hard for a mil to criticise her son, IME. Mine was in denial for a while, and then tried to make excuses for him
You know your family, you are in it, not her. Don't let her persuade you. You do what you need to do for your sanity and what is best for your children.

Original poster
springchik · 10/05/2010 21:11

Financially no I would not be better off as I'm a sahm. Emotionally I dont know the thought of denying my children of their dad and a stable home life fills me with guilt I come from a 2 parent family and I want our marriage to work. He is so controlling though in so many ways. Mil did have a word she said you going to have to learn to control your temper as its not fair on your dw or your dc.

OP posts:
EricNorthmansmistress · 10/05/2010 21:21

You would be ok. You could rent a place and get housing benefit and tax credits etc. You wouldn't have loads but you would get by. He should pay you maintenance.

Don't feel guilty for removing your children from an abusive situation. Living with both parents isn't worth being miserable, scared and beaten down for a little one.

whatname · 10/05/2010 21:34

Does he know how serious this is? Have you talked properly about it?

EmilyStrange · 10/05/2010 21:36

TraceyBath, your story is very encouraging. Can I aask how your DH managed to change his behaviour as it is a tough thing to achieve?

Supercherry · 10/05/2010 21:42

Emily, a man with anger management issues can probably learn to control his temper. A man who is only abusive to his wife or children, but controls his temper outside the home does not have anger management issues thus anger management therpay wont work.

Is your H only abusive to you and your children?

traceybath · 10/05/2010 21:45

Emily - DH has a very stressful job but for him the main thing is to get rid of that stress by exercising. So he cycles a lot.

This eats into 'our' time but its worth it for us as a family.

He also acknowledged he didn't want to repeat his parents behaviour with his father getting angry and mother tip-toeing round him.

Also he knew i wouldn't put up with it and would leave.

DH reckons one of the reasons he's with me is because he has become a better person .

We're all different after all. DH has a short fuse in some instances but is remarkably patient with our dc's - I couldn't and wouldn't cope with him being horrid to them.

EmilyStrange · 10/05/2010 21:48

That is interesting thanks. The exercise thing sounds quite key actually. But Supercherry gives me pause for thought. OP I hope it is helpful for you too.

mumonthenet · 10/05/2010 22:47

You, understandably, don't want to deny your dc's a "stable home". But do they have one now?

My guess is that, when your dh is nice he's great. And that is the life you would like, all of you peacefully going through your life together. Trouble is, from what you've said, you ain't going to get that kind of life unless you can give your DH a major wake-up call.

You are at the beginning of your own wake-up call. This cannot go on. MIL is not going to solve it for you, but slowly you are going to realise that you do not have to live like this. And as you realise this, MNers will be here to support you.

Two books to start you off:

Inside the minds of Angry Controlling Men by Lundy Bancroft

The Verbally Abusive Relationship by Patricia Evans.

Or just google these titles to get some more insight.

RedLeaves · 10/05/2010 23:01

If you split up, your dc will be alone with his father and that in my mind would be more worrying.

Can you not spell out to him in a calm moment how serious this is for you and that you both really need to go for counselling to sort it out.

If he sees how serious you are he may agree to counselling and thinking about his behaviour. I wish you well.

Shivvywivvy · 10/05/2010 23:34

I'm so sorry to hear that you are in a similar position to myself....

My husband of 7 yrs seriously assaulted me last yr and I was admitted to hospital.

Assaulted me this yr in Jan. Difference this time was I called the police and he was arrested and charged, he is now on probabtion.

His mother and sister were present the day he attended court and heard my statement which was read out.

A day or so after that they saw the marks that he had left on my face. They really were not too bad but proof that I hadn't lied about what had happened the night of the assault.

To this day I don't think they believe me, even tho yrs ago my husband assaulted me in his mothers house shortly after she had gone to bed. How she didn't hear the shouting and crying I don't know, actually I do, she chose not to.

After the incident in January she didn't even call to ask if I was ok.

The point I'm trying to make is don't try to get support from your mil, she may never see the wrong that her son has done. I know mine certainly won't acknowledge it, not to me anyway. To do this would be admitting that had made mistakes as a parent and they are not likely to admit to that now are they. Instead get support from your family and friends.

Sorry for hijacking thread with my story.

Bit of a rushed reply also.....

Take care.

Original poster
springchik · 11/05/2010 11:27

I'm so sorry skivvywivvy about what you've been through. My problems seen minor in comparison!

I have tried to talk to dh about the situation but he always says things like well he should behave himself then shouldnt he or he's done this or that. This weekend when dh was off (he normally works saturdays) it was continual shouting, stress and aggression.

Redleaves I have thought about they would have to spend time alone with dh and that is something I have always been determined to prevent. Its the main reason why I need to deal with the situation first and tbh its my biggest fear

OP posts:
Original poster
springchik · 11/05/2010 11:45

Had a terrible morning getting my 4 year old to preschool. He was so aggressive pinching kicking and screaming it was terrible. And so unlike him he behaves like this toward dh when he is being aggressive toward ds but not usually towards anyone else. Dh pointed out that as he is at work he cant be blamed for this this time and it proves his point that ds is developing behavioural problems. All i know is this morning was so out of charactor I just didnt know how to handle it he was just histerial over everything. Maybe it just proves I'm a rubish mum!

OP posts:
TheSteelFairy2 · 11/05/2010 12:08

No, it proves that you ds is stressed out by your dh's aggressive and abusive behaviour.

I have a ds with HFA. He seems in a world of his own most of the time and I tried really, really hard to protect him from his dad's drinking and verbal abuse. When his dad still lived with us ds appeared happy at home but was becoming more and more aggressive at school, spitting, kicking, punching, things I had NEVER, EVER seen him do at home, if I hadn't trusted his teachers I would never have believed it.

His Dad and I split up and he moved out. Gradually ds became calmer and calmer and now I never get told of any aggression at school.

Children cannot process this kind of negative behaviour, they can't rationalise it. I shouldn't think you child is doing this because HE is aggressive but in reaction to the stress. Doesn't matter a jot if your dh is there or not and he must be really stupid if he doesn't see that.

BTW a rubbish Mum would not even be worried about this and posting for advice.

Personally I would not stay with this man if it was affecting my children in this way. In fact I didn't.

Oblomov · 11/05/2010 12:29

Am intrigued by supercherry's comment.
please could she or someone elser explain what that means.
dh and i both shout at ds1. neither of us loses our cool at anyone else.

TheSteelFairy2 · 11/05/2010 12:35

I think she means that he does not have Anger Management Issues if he is able to control his anger with people outside the family, he is in fact abusive and choosing to abuse his family.

Oblomov · 11/05/2010 12:44

thank you fairy. christ. is that what it means. is it that simplistic. oh dear.

whatname · 11/05/2010 12:50

springchik, please dont let your husband tell you it's your fault if your son is developing behavioural problems. The more I hear about this man, the less I like. you started this op about your MIL, and you talk about your children causing problems, but it's not. It's your husband.You should be there to support each other whatever the kids are doing. That's the type of relationship you should have. I know children do cause stress, especially if there is a lack of patience from one of the parents, but I don't think that's the issue here.
Can you see an end to this, do you want to live like this? Or would you like your home to be a nice peaceful place for your children.
you either try to make your H see sense, and he gets help. Or you leave.
Your situation is very similar to mine and we are just starting the separation process. It's very very hard, and scary but you and your children only have one live. And life is too short to put up with this kind of behaviour.

diddl · 11/05/2010 12:53

Your MIL should be helping you to get away for the sake of her grandchildren imo.

cestlavielife · 11/05/2010 15:10

you need to start recording and analysing both H behaviour adn DS .

antecedent
behaviour
consequence

what does ds do? behaviour
what happened jsut before?
what was consequence (eg your behaviour/ H behaviour)

sometimes by changing the antecedent - what leads up to behaviour - or by changing response - you can change behaviour. now this is more for ds - if you consider his behavour to eb out of order.

is slightly differnet for H - clealry he is an adult adn can control - but if he can see that shouting etc isnt helping...

also log your H's behaviour towards DS and to you - what you didnt like.

you might start to see a pattern.

what is reasonable to change? what is not?

where could you use supernanny techniques on ds - and where should they be used on H?

thing is - when we start treading on eggshells etc to try and stop the adult acting out - because of fear - that is when there is a problem.. .

i think your ds is showing signs of demonstrating that he thinks the way to deal with things when you dont like them is to hit and scream and shout - where - or from who - has he learned that?

for some while after i left my exP with dcs, my dd would hit out and say "she made me do it" of her sister. she got that idea of blaming the other person from my exP...

complimentary · 11/05/2010 15:39

Is it just your husband's anger when dealing with your son that you don't like, or are you otherwise happy? I suppose you have already told him not to shout at your son, I've occcasionaly shouted at my son, but I think prolonged shouting at children can make them lose confidence. I hope your husband can sort out his anger issues for the sake of your son. I'm sure most here would say that 4 year olds can be a pain sometimes, but there's otherways to deal with these problems, and all stages of behaviour children normally pass out of anyway.