I ended up telling mil about dh's anger issues

[springchik]

So upset and confused about what to do. DH gets sowound up by our ds especially our 4 and a half year old. He shouts and loses his temper with him and my 4 year old always comes running to me and throws his arms around me and I comfort him. I let slip to my mil how upseting and stressful her sons behaviour is having on the family and she said shes keeping out of it (a first for her!) except to say children need discipline! I said yes they need discipline they do not need to have the fear of God put in them and to be bullied in to submission as a way of dealing with them
I said I cant see any future for the family and I have tried to stop him from acting like this and I just cant do it and the only way forward i can see is for h to leave. Mil said no you mustnt the consequences of that would be horendous. Please no. Ok I'll have a word against my judgement but I'll have a word. I wasnt asking for that she caught me when I was upset and vulnerable. She doesn't know most of what happens at home tbh.

Well, I'm glad you're not short and you have your own account Why does he want to see all the details? Do you make your own choices about things like where to get your hair done and going out with your friends?

I'm kind of getting the impression you're none too sure about where you stand and how you feel ... perhaps you need more feedback from some other people? I do want to remind you, though, that you are a free individual. You don't have to put up with bullying, at home or anywhere else. You deserve to be treated with respect (in fact, it's your legal right) and to be loved for who you are

He is very worried about money because as a child his pil well no his mil lived beyond her means and as a result my pil had their house repossessed and the balllifs called in. It was terrible for the whole family. He is determined that nothing like that will happen to him again. THe rediculous thing is I am nothing like my mil and we have NEVER lived beyond our means.

We have always had joint accounts both saving and current but I do have a savings in my name and he hates it always asking me to ring up and find out exactly how much is in it and studys my bank statements etc.

Read through your thread, Springchik. This is really a very serious situation.

Imho, your dh needs counseling - about the past and present manifestations of that experience, just to talk to someone to validate and/or recalibrate perspectives on circumstances. As with everyone in all walks of life, there are consequenses to our behavior and your dh is heading for some big time consequences (losing his family) if he does not tend to his behavior.

Mil doesn't want the marriage to break up because then, perhaps, she'll have to deal with him. If she has trouble saying 'no' to him, that is her problem, not yours.

Again, imho, it seems he does not respect you. At all. Please, require respectful communication, or leave the 'conversation'.
You know you can not force him to respect you-so this isn't about you trying to change or control him, but you do not "have to" tolerate disrespect. Your personal respect, self-esteem, and other boundaries do not evaporate upon marriage. His 'over-functioning' shall not cripple your self- functioning.

Keep your separate account, and stop letting him talk you into eroding it. Why not open yet another separate account? This is your escape fund, and he knows it. That is why it bothers him. Tell him to stop giving you so many reasons to use it.

Lose the cell phone. Make a new boundary: start with a mandatory "quiet hour" 11 to 2 -whenever- you will not communicate, period. I was about to say all this 'attention' is not him being needy-it is all about controling you; but it is him being needy: you supply his psychological pathos...he has worn you down.

Just guessing: Knight in shining armor in courtship phase? The children do not get this honeymoon period; he dominates them out of obvious distinctions-he is bigger and his brain (parts ) is more mature. Perhaps, he sees them (and you) as objects for him to use and not as real individual people with their own brain and their own feelings (thus Grace's reference narcissism). And, as others have said, the cycle begins again.

Sorry if this seems preachy, I don't intend it that way. I know everything isn't black & white (if it is to dh, that is another clue)...but emotional abuuse is b&w-it can not be endured without severe effects. The effects may not be apparent over night, but they enmesh in the victim's brain and are hell to expell/recover from.

dear springchik,

This is not normal.
Your dc's are not meant to live in fear of their daddy's anger. You should not have to account for every penny you spend. He should love you and respect you as his partner...not treat you as someone who is trying to bankrupt the family so that the bailiffs have to be called in. His parents' problems are no justification for his treatment of you.

He is not entitled to be like this, he just thinks he is. This phrase will mean more to you once you have understood a little more about emotional abuse.

Please talk to someone, try to get the books that Grace recommended or see the sites the others have mentioned.

See if you recognise yourself there.

Op , I agree. this is not normal. justifying every penny you spend ? shouting over the remote ? please seek help.

Havnt read all this post but my Ex dp was the same shouting at the kids. His mum would defend her son too.
Sadly you cant change some elses behaviour, only your own.
He has seen all this shouting thing when he was growing up , its learned behaviour but he has the power to stop it and make changes. However, dont be a doormat and dont just sit still and put up with it....get out of the way in one way or another.
Wishing you luck.

it is ok to keep an eye on the household budget - but ridiculous to scrutinise every last item - says he doesnt trust you. wants to control you - wants you to know he is in control.

please do call womens aid again - and talk this thru.

Sad to say I've seen the same in my marriage too, and calling for outside help for me was the best thing I ever did. It was very hard to admit how far things had got, because it's humiliating as a grown adult to talk about how badly you've been treated.

But you can't fix this -- you can't fix him.

He is the only one who can do that, and it will take almost a personality transplant to accomplish this.

You can help yourself, and you can help your children. Do your best to reassure them that none of this is their fault.

Please call the outreach number. xxxx