Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Should I tell DH how DS#1 feels or should I let DS do it?

58 replies

OrmRenewed · 09/05/2010 18:08

DH is struggling with DS#2 atm. We both are -I've posted about him many times. I lose my rag sometimes and I know I am not perfect. But when I have I always says sorry and we have a cuddle. DH tends to just get more and more cross - we went to Bristol today and DS#1 was patient enough being dragged around shops which didn't interest him. Then we spent 30mins in the museum for DS#2's benefit. Not surprisingly he didn't want to leave and being the child he is, kicked off. DH was grumpy in the car, snapping at the boys and when we got home and DS~2 didn't get out of the car quickly enough he hauled him out and into the house - DS fell over and cried.

I told him I thought he was out of order - he told me that he wasn't He refuses to apologise because he didn't do anything wrong. And logically he didn't - he didn't smack him he didn't deliberately hurt him but he actions resulted in DS~2 crying. Parenst IMO should say sorry.

Anyhow.... DS#1 got snapped at by DH at this point over nothing because he was now in a vile mood (and feeling guilty).

All the kids hate it when DH gets his black cloud. I have tried to explain - he inists it's DS#2's fault (which it is to a certain extent but he's the adult).

I have told DS#1 and DD that they need to explain to DH how he makes them feel. I think it might be a good way to get him to understand. Is this a good idea? I don't think it is helpful always being the go-between - for a start it can drive a wedge between DH and I and I always seem to be complaining about him on their behalf.

Any views?

OP posts:
BertieBotts · 09/05/2010 18:11

He didn't do anything wrong?

Please don't involve your boys in this - they need you to protect them if he is like this all the time.

Karmann · 09/05/2010 18:12

Are they old enough to articulate to your H? If yes, then I think they should speak to him themselves. It wouldn't have the desired effect if you did it I don't think.

Original poster
OrmRenewed · 09/05/2010 18:13

Well as I say logically he didn't - he just got DS out of the car a bit roughly.

He isn't like this much of the time. He's a perfectly good, loving, funny caring father. But I can't get him to see these moods upset the children.

OP posts:
mumblechum · 09/05/2010 18:13

Oh, Bertie, don't exaggerate! Orm's dh doesn't sound like a monster, he just got a bit annoyed. We all do that sometimes.

How old are your kids Orm?

Original poster
OrmRenewed · 09/05/2010 18:13

13, 11 and 7. The 7yr old is the catalyst.

OP posts:
dittany · 09/05/2010 18:14

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

dittany · 09/05/2010 18:15

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

FabIsGoingToGetFit · 09/05/2010 18:15

You need to speak for your children whenever they can't speak for themselves.

Original poster
OrmRenewed · 09/05/2010 18:15

"If they were big enough to stand up for themselves they would, but they are children not adults"

The are big enougj. They can talk to him about anything and everything. But I don't think they feel they can talk about this as it seems critical of him. I want them to realise that they can.

OP posts:
AttilaTheMeerkat · 09/05/2010 18:15

How old are the children in question?.

Its not your child's fault and it is up to the adult in question here, namely your DH, to have shown more self control. There needs to be compromise (perhaps it could have been decided initially that the museum visit would only be 30 minutes long) and your DH should have apologised.

It sounds like you are all tiptoeing around your DH anyway and particularly when he has a mood on. This black cloud of his you are referring to, does he have depression?. Living with someone with depression is very hard on all concerned and you need your own support.

You may want to give Parentline Plus a call as they can be helpful.

Original poster
OrmRenewed · 09/05/2010 18:16

A catalyst is not a scapegoat dittany. It's a catalyst

OP posts:
dittany · 09/05/2010 18:18

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BertieBotts · 09/05/2010 18:19

Sorry I think I probably did post or judge too soon - I will bow out of thread as got other things on my mind.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 09/05/2010 18:19

I have now read how old each child is.
They aren't big enough, even the eldest. They are still children and your job is to protect them at all times. Not suggesting that you don't but your DH roughly handled your youngest here (without you semmingly intervening at the time) and with predictable results.

I would agree with Dittany's comments and you are in danger of making the youngest child here a scapegoat for the wider ills/problems in your family. He's too young to act as a catalyst - poor kid.

Original poster
OrmRenewed · 09/05/2010 18:20

But you are assuming my children are weak and helpless imbeciles. They are not. They are independent, capable individuals.

I don't like his behaviour at times. I have said so. They don't like his behaviour. WHy can they not say so? He isn't going to beat them for it

OP posts:
AttilaTheMeerkat · 09/05/2010 18:21

Your children will grow up to detest their Dad also if the wider issues here surrounding his mood/temper are not addressed.

Original poster
OrmRenewed · 09/05/2010 18:21

I did intervene - but couldn't do so quickly enough to stop it. I picked DS up and told DH he was out of order.

OP posts:
mumblechum · 09/05/2010 18:22

Lot of overreaction on this thread imo.

GypsyMoth · 09/05/2010 18:23

he isnt going to beat them? no,but you wouldnt expect an adult to get a 7 year old out of a car a bit'roughly' either would you?

dittany · 09/05/2010 18:24

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Karmann · 09/05/2010 18:25

Orm, I didn't see you say they had to stand up for themselves. I saw you asking if they could have a chat with their dad to tell him how it makes them feel.

GypsyMoth · 09/05/2010 18:27

how often do these 'black clouds' descend?

AttilaTheMeerkat · 09/05/2010 18:27

"They are independent, capable individuals"

Am sure that they are, I have never suggested otherwise.

If you have previously told your DH that you do not like his behaviour (and was was his reaction to that?) then what if anything has he done to address his issues? Nothing at all?. If he is not listening to you then he certainly won't listen to his children, they are probably afraid of him for fear of setting him off.

ilovemydogandMrBrown · 09/05/2010 18:28

Could you facilitate them talking to DH? Or does he go somewhere and sulk? It sounds so difficult with him being in a mood and a dreadful atmosphere with you being the peacekeeper. He needs to take responsibility for his actions and tell the kids that they didn't do anything wrong. Perhaps deal with the episode first and then talk about a strategy for when he gets into a mood? Like he goes somewhere else until he snaps out of it, and explains what he's doing to the kids?

If you went to Cabot Circus though, it kind of explains it

activate · 09/05/2010 18:32

they don't need to explain anything at all IMO

your DH snapped, so what? we all do it - you've already said he feels guilty, so why are you keeping on and keeping on and aiming for a pyrrhic victory over this?

leave it alone

leave the kids alone

they'll talk / make-up / get over it on their own terms

that's my view