Staying together for the sake of the children... after 25 years... tell me I should leave.

[SoStressedAndConfused]

I've been a regular for about 4 years - don't post that often these days but lurk a lot. Dh and I are late 40s and have 2 lovely teenage sons (yrs 10 & 11). I regularly take part in a sporting activity with my older son and dh takes a great interest in younger son's chosen sport and takes him around for that.

As far as the boys are concerned they live in a happy, stable family. Dh and I rarely argue and get on fine on a superficial level.

He's kind and considerate - irons his own shirts, takes a turn at the cooking etc though I do have to organise his whole life for him and he doesn't seem to take responsibility for anything that happens in our lives. I was full time sahm for 12 years but returned to work part time 5 years aago.

But... I've reached a point where I think 'Surely there must be more to life than this?'

I had an affair before we were married and I know I should have split with dh then. He didn't ever find out about it though was starting to have suspicions. It sounds ridiculous but I think I stayed with him because I do care about him as a person and wouldn't want to hurt his feelings.

Recently I've developed feelings for someone else but he's married too so nothing is going to happen there. However, it has made me realise that I don't feel what I should for the person who is supposed to be my life partner.

I've read loads of threads lately about people having affairs and the comment always seems to be that if your thoughts are heading that way then you should respect your partner enough to split. But seriously... after 25 years when the boys are so happy? It would feel so selfish. Though I know that it's selfish of me to have all these thoughts without saying anything to dh.

I don't think we can 'work at our relationship'. I don't feel any spark for him. I don't take joy in his company, though we have fun when we socialise in a group. We had a 'romantic' long weekend a while ago that was a total disaster. When we're alone he sits in silence. I try to make conversation but give up - even though I'm the sort of person who usually chats away to anyone and everyone.

I don't want to have sex with him any more though to be fair to him I have a few glasses of wine on a Saturday night every few weeks and try to show a bit of enthusiasm.

It all sounds so terrible in black and white - I feel like a right cow. He would be devastated if he knew how I felt.

Sorry it's so long. I need to get it off my chest. I wouldn't want to share this with rl friends.

I didn't want this to go unanswered, because you sound so sad.

You seem to feel really guilty. You can't help your feelings, you know.

Maybe you should talk to your husband and tell him how you feel. Perhaps he isn't having a great time of it, either.

Sometimes protecting people from the truth isn't the best way.

Thanks bobbiewickham.

Believe me I've tried to start a conversation about feeling unhappy. But he just wants to put his head in the sand - he's like that about anything traumatic and stressful.

I have a big issue about not being able to rely on him. A close male friend - his friend as well as mine - became ill and died in the space of 3 months a few years ago.

I was heavily involved with the practical side of things - childcare etc. It totally traumatised me - they were rally good friends so it was the first thing I thought of every morning and the last thing every night. Dh did nothing other than making sure he was home to look after our 2 when I was needed by our friends - he didn't even see his friend once in the 3 months he was ill.

On the day of the funeral he said sorry to me but he couldn't face going. I begged him... told him I really needed him there. He came as far as the church car park then said sorry he couldn't do it and turned and walked away - leaving me to go in alone.

There have been other examples over the years. Even when I was giving birth I was more worried about it upsetting him than about what I was going through!

I don't know what to advise. I have been in a similar situation, apart from the fact that My 'H' had drink and anger management issues,

When I even noticed another man, I threw myself into trying to get things back on track but it was hell, for myself but for the DC's. We split last June.

It is hard.

Can you talk to relate on your ow for now to gather your thoughts before you decide whether to talk to DH? If you consider that you have the rest of your life ahead of you, that is a long time to go on feeling like this.
Wishing you strength x

god you sound so sad, I'm really sorry. It does sound like he found it very tough to deal with your friend being ill and denied any feeling about it probably to avoid overwhelming emotions.

I have no advice either, I'm sorry. We're only 4 years into our marriage and I worry so much I will be writing a post like this in 21 years time

Thanks for the kind words. I thought I'd be flamed.

Inevitably a split would mean selling the house, which would be devastating for dh and the boys. It wouldn't bother me from a material point of view - it's only bricks and mortar to me.

The boys love their home - they've never known anywhere else. So even the practical side of things would be so hurtful for them and dh - let alone the emotional trauma I'd be causing them.

One minute I feel like the ultimate selfish bitch and the next I think I'm making a martyr of myself for the sake of their happiness.

Confused doesn't begin to describe it.

gosh, why would you get flamed ?

you sound like a lovely person who has fallen out of love with her husband and is desperately trying to do the right thing

Thanks, Af. Well for a start I've admitted to an affair before we were married and now having feelings for someone else... also married. So not feeling to great about myself to be honest.

I think those things you have "admitted" to are a symptom of your unhappiness and restlessness

I don't know what to advise you, tbh, but please don't go down the married man route...you will make yourself even more wretched than you already are

but it is obvious you know that

but having feelings for someone else isn't something you can control, and since your pre-marriage affair you've stayed faithful for 25years. I don't see any reason to flame you at all.

Have you always felt this way about him, in your heart? I think the advice about seeing a therapist etc on your own might be good - I'm contemplating it myself at the moment. Just that if it's how you've always felt, then I would agree in wondering if there must be more to life.

But if there used to be more connection, do you want to give yourselves the chance to have it back?

I feel so sad reading your post, it terrifies me that I will spend the next many years in the same situation, it's just having the courage to honestly decide, truly in my heart, what I want to do.

Have to say your post title says a lot....

oh everythingiseverything...don't you sometimes think "If only I'd been truly honest before marriage and DC"

Actually DH and I have had a chat today and hoping we can work through this. Obviously he doesn't know the full extent of how I feel, and have always honestly felt, but I feel I owe it to him and our DS to make an effort

Ok. My Mum is unhappy in her marriage and she is in her Mid 60's. Lots of issues but she told me last week that she would have left my Dad a long time ago if she had anywhere to go, and she stayed for the children.

I wish she had left him. I really do. Because a relationship that is working feeds and nourishes both sides. For whatever reasons he is not listening to you, maybe he is content to 'drift'. My Mum has been unhappy since I was about 10. So 30 years of her life have been spent in a fantasy flat that she has in her head to escape to.

SoStressed, yes the needs of your DC's should be given absolute consideration but for you to stay in a marriage that is making you feel this unhappy? I am sure that however hard, however sad, you wouldn't advise your DS's to stay in such a relationship 10/15 yrs down the line, and spend their lives never truly being happy.

You do have that right to be happy.. And it is not something you are contemplating on a whim. He needs to know where you are in your head so you can define your future and make some choices.

Because another what 30/40 yrs of sitting in silence? having sex 'to be fair on him'? You are in whatever way you find it, worthy of more from life. And your DS's will probably grow to understand that. I for one am filled with sadness that My Mum has spent so long being unhappy, partly on my behalf, however much I appreciate her very best intentions.

I really think you need to tell your husband how you feel. Properly. To the point of having feelings for someone else and contemplating leaving.

You have protected him for too long, and allowed him to get away with not facing emotional issues.

It sounds like you have shouldered the emotional burdens of your marriage alone and have now understandably had enough.

Can I suggest counselling, if not together then by yourself? It sounds to me as if you need to sort out your feelings and perhaps get the strength to make a clear decision.

Best wishes - and please stop being hard on yourself. You've done nothing wrong.

I agree re Relate - you seem worried about guilt. so try everything. you never know you might learn a new way of loving dh that will enrich you (both) and keep you together. but if you don't, at least you tried.

the second thing I'd like to tell you is that back in the days when divorce was more unusual my parents split. there were 25-odd girls in my class whose parents were together - and 2 others whose parents were divorced. do you know who I envied? it was not the kids whose parents were together - it was the girl whose divorced parents had handled their split well, had continued to co-parent, did things like both attend birthday parties, basically still talked to each other. I could cope with my parents not loving each other any more but their (or, tbh, my father's) failure to continue with his full role as parent was what devastated me. so don't het too hung up on staying together for the kids.

the two bits of my post are connected - I think that if you do end up splitting, Relate will help you to do it in a way that lessens the impact on your boys.

good luck.

I don't have any advice but wanted to say I really feel for you. I am in a similar situation (started a similar thread on here a few days ago) - has never been any real spark with my dh although he's a lovely man.

I am trying to talk to him about how I'm feeling at the moment and we are doing our best. Not sure what's going to happen. We have been married for 12 years so I don't want to be starting a thread like this again in another 12.

There is some good advice here. I would encourage you to look at the thread I started too as there are some wise responses.

So sorry you are so unhappy.

Just a thought about your DC's.

My Dc's are teenagers at University and my ex left for OW.

I am selling our family home, which is big and comfortable and we all love it here.

But Dc's have said not to worry about moving somewhere smaller, or less convenient etc that they will support my choice as they will only be home at holiday times.

Your DC's are teenagers too , it will be just a few short years before they move on to Uni maybe, don't worry about the short term, look at the bigger picture, into the future.

This is what keeps me sane, trying to organise my new life without DH.

i am in this situation too , been together 18 years. although my dh is not burying his head in the sand he is makong my life even more miserable.
i am confused about my feelings and we are together because of our sons 11 and 14
my heart is breaking . i am sorry your in this situstion

Thanks, everyone. I realised that there must be others feeling just the same. I'm in such a quandary. I think it's wonderful for my boys that they've grown up in a happy, stable home with two parents. Dh has been a good dad, though not a 'rough and tumble' type. In fact they've probably had a lot more horseplay with me than with him.

The guy I'm attracted to (and believe me I know it's mutual) is far more 'physical'. In fact it's probably fair to say that he and dh are everything that the other isn't iyswim. So he certainly wouldn't be the answer to my problems! I know him through the sport that my son and I participate in and my son worships him. He has children of his own, one of whom has become friendly with ds1. So he's not someone that I could distance myself from very easily even if I wanted to.

I hadn't thought of going to Relate on my own. I didn't ever feel a real 'spark' for dh. He's a lovely, kind, considerate guy who came along at a time I was feeling insecure. We have shared values and rarely argue. We peck at each other a little but mostly we rub along ok.

I really enjoy other aspects of my life. I have loads of friends, I take part in lots of social activities and take ds1 away in connection with our shared sport. I have a fantastic relationship with my 2 sons. I suppose that's a large part of it - they would blame me for breaking up what they had seen as their perfect family life. Honestly I've put on a really fine performance of playing happy families as far as they're concerned - always telling them how much daddy and I love each other etc. I even used to snuggle up and cuddle dh on the sofa for the children's benefit!

I really don't think they would have a clue - it would come as a total bombshell. Even dh probably thinks that all the problems lie with me. He's said many times in the past that he can't understand it when people say they have to 'work at' their marriages.

At the moment I feel as though I will leave when the boys leave home. But how awful to harbour those thought for years (I've been thinking this way for 5 or 6 years at least) and then leave dh when he's that much older.

If they went to University (which is likely) then ds2 would be leaving in 3.5 years time.

royalmess can you post a link to your thread, please?

Do you think you would feel so unhappy if you hadn't met the other man? Seems like he's a bit of a symbol of everything you don't have in your marriage?

I'm just wondering how robust those thoughts are, if you couldn't incapsulate them in a person would they be less of a force acting on you?

You sound very unhappy but I think it's worth asking yourself what is good in your current situation? Is there any way to pull that round to how you would like things to be? And if somebody said to you tonight 'your marriage is over, tomorrow you start planning your life without dh' - how would you feel?

Northernlurker - I can see why you would think that, but no... I only met the guy about 18 months ago and I've been feeling like this for several years.

Funnily enough I think the one factor that has raised this to the forefont of my mind more than anything else is trying to help friends through their impending divorce as best I can.

They have also been together 25 years and drifted apart... or maybe never had what should have been there in the first place.

The husband has confided in me as much as the wife - I've even been out socially with him a couple of times. But that relationship is absolutely 100% platonic - I have no attraction towards him whatsoever - he's just a good friend going through a tough patch.

Oh... and as for 'your marriage is over, tomorrow you start planning your life without dh'... from my point of view HUGE relief - honestly... just worrying about the traumatic effect on dh and the dcs.