Staying together for the sake of the children... after 25 years... tell me I should leave.

[SoStressedAndConfused]

I've been a regular for about 4 years - don't post that often these days but lurk a lot. Dh and I are late 40s and have 2 lovely teenage sons (yrs 10 & 11). I regularly take part in a sporting activity with my older son and dh takes a great interest in younger son's chosen sport and takes him around for that.

As far as the boys are concerned they live in a happy, stable family. Dh and I rarely argue and get on fine on a superficial level.

He's kind and considerate - irons his own shirts, takes a turn at the cooking etc though I do have to organise his whole life for him and he doesn't seem to take responsibility for anything that happens in our lives. I was full time sahm for 12 years but returned to work part time 5 years aago.

But... I've reached a point where I think 'Surely there must be more to life than this?'

I had an affair before we were married and I know I should have split with dh then. He didn't ever find out about it though was starting to have suspicions. It sounds ridiculous but I think I stayed with him because I do care about him as a person and wouldn't want to hurt his feelings.

Recently I've developed feelings for someone else but he's married too so nothing is going to happen there. However, it has made me realise that I don't feel what I should for the person who is supposed to be my life partner.

I've read loads of threads lately about people having affairs and the comment always seems to be that if your thoughts are heading that way then you should respect your partner enough to split. But seriously... after 25 years when the boys are so happy? It would feel so selfish. Though I know that it's selfish of me to have all these thoughts without saying anything to dh.

I don't think we can 'work at our relationship'. I don't feel any spark for him. I don't take joy in his company, though we have fun when we socialise in a group. We had a 'romantic' long weekend a while ago that was a total disaster. When we're alone he sits in silence. I try to make conversation but give up - even though I'm the sort of person who usually chats away to anyone and everyone.

I don't want to have sex with him any more though to be fair to him I have a few glasses of wine on a Saturday night every few weeks and try to show a bit of enthusiasm.

It all sounds so terrible in black and white - I feel like a right cow. He would be devastated if he knew how I felt.

Sorry it's so long. I need to get it off my chest. I wouldn't want to share this with rl friends.

You run the risk of your kids thinking their childhood and adolescence has been a lie if you dont speak up now.

ike1 - I wouldn't let them know I'd felt like this for so long. I don't think they would need to know more than that dh and I had drifted apart over the years.

Off out now for the evening - yes it's that sport again!

But I'll check in later - thanks, everyone.

SoStressedAndConfused - can you remember why you married your DH and whether there was ever a spark in the early days? Or were you just a pair of nice people who got together and have lived amicably? It is really difficult to recollect that sort of stuff when you have strong feelings for another person. You can't compare the magic of a new relationship (I know you aren't physically involved) with the feelings that you would expect from a 25 year relationship. Did you have that magic with your DH or not? Did you get married through circumstances rather than raw love?

Regarding the children, I would say that their ages are monumentally difficult to take a split right now. (Sorry, I don't mean to be negative, I am trying to be realistic although it is coming across as blunt). They are 15 and 16 ish? These years are emotionally difficult and I would have thought that it would blow them apart for these marital problems to be exposed now (because they are living in total ignorance). Presumably DS1 is about to take GCSEs? I would try not to do anything before then, certainly.

I have another thought for you. Your DH sits in silence when you are together. Why do you suppose that is? He could actually be seeing someone else/considering it. Even if you think it is unlikely, it is certainly a possibility given the silence (ie he's shutting you out because he's emotionally involved with someone else). You seem to spend a lot of time apart and are you considering what's going on for him during this time?

I don't know the answer. I would ideally broach it with DH on a private weekend or similar but you do risk something blowing up before your son's GCSEs so it's hard. I am in an 11yo relationship that is recovering from DH's brief affair. I suppose the difference is that I remember the spark DH and I had all those years ago and I know that I love him and I always will. Despite the fact that he has been a stupid bastard of late!

here is the link to royal's thread

you sound very much like me. met at 18, 2 children early teens, lost all connection with dh years ago. after much soul searching we agreed to part ( but did take best part of 18 months to get to this stage). had a slightly unique arrangement for last ten. happy to discuss if you cat me. family home is sold and both moving to new places shortly. while it's not been easy, have been surprised by how well children have coped and I think that's largely because we both made the children our priority. make it a rule never to slag off other parent, have shared care arrangement, stress the positives ( some of which were suggested by the children). most importantly our relationship
as co-parents is still there even if we don't want to live together any more. I'm not expecting it all to be easy, and if you go this route you will need to find inner reserves you never knew you had, but it's doable.
would suggest you seriously think about this as leaving to be on your own though. don't think it's leaving to be with any new partner. you need to be sure that living on your own is really what you want

queenclarion - I am the last of the romantics... why did I marry him? Because we'd lived together for several years, wanted children and I was 32 so I said we'd better hurry up and do something about it or it might be too late. We got married when I was pregnant because we both believed it was better for the child. At that time, for example, the father didn't automatically get custody if anything happened to the mother. It's all rather different now.

So in answer to your question... no there was never a spark. Just friendship (I knew him through work already) then lust (he's pretty considerate/adventurous/competent in bed!) But never that hot pants feeling iykwim. I've had that with other people that I would never have wanted to live with.

I think it's remotely unlikely that he's having an affair. He's always where he says he is. He too has a platonic (I ssume!) friend of the opposite sex - a good friend of mine. But she has a great relationship with her husband. In fact he's a friend of mine too - I used to play squash with him once or twice a week before I had kids. All sounds rather incestuous, doesn't it?!

I guess what I'm saying is that I've never been a 'girly girl' who's 'into her man'. I just wouldn't want to do the besotted living in each other's pockets type of relationship that lots of people seem to want and/or need.

I like having my own friends and activities. I was away this weekend with girlfriends. I'm off to Wales with a girl friend for the weekend in a couple of weeks. I'd love it if dh was a bit more independent. He's a home bird... likes to go for walks, watches tv a lot and errrr... goes metal detecting. He has dropped all his old friends over the years - his social life revolves around my friends and their husbands, even though I tried to encourage him to see his old ones and have them to stay(he moved 300 miles from his home town to find work after university).

How would that all work, I wonder? I wouldn't want to cut him off from his social life as well as ending a marriage that he probably thinks is ok.

berries - If I left it would be to live on my own but I would definitely start seeing other men.

You sound exactly like me.
I am married with kids but feel very like you. I think my ideal would be to live without a man but have a boyfriend who I saw a few times a month

When I read the threads on here about the devestation people feel when their husband is unfaithful I cant relate at all.
I would wave him off with my blessing

estuardo - another one!

Someone said to me recently that marriage for life is ridiculous - it's far too long! We should marry for 10 years then renew for 5 years at a time if both parties agree!

what a great idea.

Seriously, if my husband came home and told me he had fallen in love with Lisa from accounts I would want to know if she was good with kids (ours)

I have loved deeply in my life but have never felt angsty about the idea any partner would fall in love with someone else and move on.

When I hear about women wanting to chop off their unfaithful husbands' balls I feel like I am an entirely different species of woman.

And like you I am HUGELY romantic

estuardo - I was chatting to my mum a while back and having a bit of a moan about dh. She said I should appreciate how kind he is and that if I didn't watch it he'd be off having an affair.

I thought about it for a second or 2 and replied 'You know what? I'd just be really pleased that he'd done something to surprise me for a change!'

Honestly... dh having an affair - that would be a dream come true, wouldn't it? Walk away and be the innocent party!

ladies, be careful you don't get what you wish for, seriously

Sostressed if my husband found a really nice woman who was kind to our children I KNOW i would be fine with that.

I know some people cant get their head around that at all but it is absolutely true. I have spoken to others in real life who feel the same

This thread is interesting as I think you have put your finger on a lot of long term relationships. The difference is that you are being honest rather than "pretending" that there are roses around the picket fence and that most people are blissfully happily married for an entire life time (yes - a trio of flying pigs just went by my window!!)

My experience is a little bit like yours except that my partner and I get on - we are good friends, talk a lot, he is a great dad, good provider. I KNOW that a lot of women would (and do) settle for a lot less.

Unfortunately there is a BUT which is that the passion just is not there for me. That is no reflection on him at all, it is just that the chemistry is not really there for me.

I have agonised about this and recently seem to be meeting more and more people (women especially) in situations which are quite similar. One of two have opted to get out of the relationship completely, but that seems so dramatic and to have been a mutual decision with partners who also, I think, feel that they have reached the end of the line.

A few I think have "reached agreements" at least for the short term to give each other some freedom. I suppose this prevents the situation of splitting up because of some infatuation only to find, a few months down the line, that the object of the infatuation is impossible to live with (or whatever).

My situation is more complicated as I KNOW that my partner does not want to split or change anything about our situation. We have talked about this, I have been completely honest about my feelings (even the not really fancying part). We have talked about having a more open relationship but in practice I am not sure how this would really work. The reality is I am the one who would have to make any changes and I feel that would be very - selfish.

Some days I think I would be insane to even think about changing anything, other days I feel I will go mad if I don't make some changes.

Then I think I am just an ungrateful old cow because my partner really is quite a catch in my opinion (no telephone numbers being given out, lol)!

Perhaps all this is just the classic mid-life crisis?

IT might be worth having a think (in the case of those of you whose DHs are not cruel or parasitic or lazy) what you think a different relationship would give you that you're not getting now. Because, TBH, romantic relationships are desperately overrated as the Answer to All Your Problems. Women are especially encouraged to believe this and encouraged to put their own lives and own selves into second place, what matters is the Relationship (ie accommodating the man). It isn't necessarily a sad or bad way to live, if you are amicably co-parenting with someone and have lots of interests and passions and good friendships, this idea that a couple-relationship is the most important is a myth.
However, if what is stressing you is a lack of sex and a desire for sex with other people, then that needs addressing, because that will eat you away far more than a lack of 'romance'.

I am truly not being facetious by saying this,no disrespect intended -

As a single parent who has experienced two failed relationships with reluctant fathers where there was a high level of romance,sexual satisfaction,fun,excitement BUT also emotional abuse ,bullying and no commitment, respect or shared parenting; I would genuinely advertise up front for an arrangement such as you describe - if there was any acceptable forum for doing so....[enlighten me someone,if you can]

I would love to "fall in love" and find "the one" ,as per the "usual" way to find a partner - dating sites,bars,eyes across a crowded room etc..
but my lifestyle agenda -(as opposed to "hobbies and interests") eg parenting responsibilities,and lifestyle based around 5 dc's - including access/contact with xh's,full time career and other interests, it seems unlikely - unrealistic even -that a relationship established on those terms could also offer mutually respectful friendship,responsibility,co-parenting and practical shared-living agreement - not to mention mutually gratifying sex.

Too much to expect from one relationship,I have concluded.I am letting go of the romantic picket fence and roses ideal,yet I do enjoy the two parent mummy daddy companionship experience even when I have had to compromise with above probs.

Not sure if this is relevant for you,sorry if not.

SGB I really respect your perspective on relationships, I found your link on another post really enlightening in considering my own experiences/position in what I view as the inverse of the experience of OP here.

There's some great advice on here.

I suppose I'm a very independent person and always struggled a bit with the idea of being 'tied' to one man.

I realise that some people would hate the idea of living alone - I wouldn't. Don't get me wrong - I wouldn't have wanted it when the boys were small, but nowadays it would be fine.

Dh has been a great dad in many ways and adores his children so no complaints there.

Everyone changes as they get older, don't they? Dh has become more staid and set in his ways - getting 'older'. I'm taking advantage of the fact that the boys are more active and independent and spreading my wings more.

I like an adrenaline rush - a bit of excitement - and my sporting activities reflect that. Dh is anything for a quiet life. He's letting himself get old and unfit. He's still quite slim but seems to have so little energy or zest for life. Perhaps he's been ground down by living with me!

Very interesting stuff
SGB I agree about romantic couple relationships as the be all and end all being a total myth.

That's why I think I am not really suited to domestic coupledom.

Exciting sex with someone I dont live with seems like a marvellous option. But I DO live with dh, the father of our kids and a great friends and lovely person whom I would hate to hurt.

He would not be up for any kind of more open relationship

poodie I agree this is common but many dont talk about it

I have friends who have been together 20 or 30 years and are absolutely genuinely still besotted with each other. In fact i was chatting with some friends recently and something came up about losing a parent. One of my friends said she'd dread the idea of her husband dying and ever being left alone - and tears started rolling down her cheeks at the thought! Soppy date...

But if I think of my close friends, there are only a few true romantics - the rest of us are a bit more pragmatic

Sostressed pass him over love. Im quite attractive, 38, 2 little kids, own home. just want a quiet 'staid' life. Husband has just skipped off with a 29 yr old. D'ya think your hubby would fancy a change?

ike1 - that would be great. He's coming up for 50 but physically not too bad for his age - still got own hair and teeth - rather unfit but about 6' and 12.5 stone so not overweight or anything - he's only 75 in his head!

Couple of problems, though...

1. As far as I know he's not interested in leaving

1. Iwas really determined not to say anything unduly negative about him, but he's pretty intolerant of other people's children - to the point of being really rather patronising and unpleasant to them on occasions. So the fact that you have 2 young children would probably mean that he would run a mile.

Shame, though...

Oh dear back to single parent dating sites then.

My mum stayed with my dad until I was 16. It broke my heart. I would have by far preferred they had split and both met other people and been happy. Also, if you are planning on leaving then it's only fair to your DH to do it sooner rather than later. Cruel to be kind I guess. I'd obviously suggest Relate at first, but splitting need not be awful.