Staying together for the sake of the children... after 25 years... tell me I should leave.

[SoStressedAndConfused]

I've been a regular for about 4 years - don't post that often these days but lurk a lot. Dh and I are late 40s and have 2 lovely teenage sons (yrs 10 & 11). I regularly take part in a sporting activity with my older son and dh takes a great interest in younger son's chosen sport and takes him around for that.

As far as the boys are concerned they live in a happy, stable family. Dh and I rarely argue and get on fine on a superficial level.

He's kind and considerate - irons his own shirts, takes a turn at the cooking etc though I do have to organise his whole life for him and he doesn't seem to take responsibility for anything that happens in our lives. I was full time sahm for 12 years but returned to work part time 5 years aago.

But... I've reached a point where I think 'Surely there must be more to life than this?'

I had an affair before we were married and I know I should have split with dh then. He didn't ever find out about it though was starting to have suspicions. It sounds ridiculous but I think I stayed with him because I do care about him as a person and wouldn't want to hurt his feelings.

Recently I've developed feelings for someone else but he's married too so nothing is going to happen there. However, it has made me realise that I don't feel what I should for the person who is supposed to be my life partner.

I've read loads of threads lately about people having affairs and the comment always seems to be that if your thoughts are heading that way then you should respect your partner enough to split. But seriously... after 25 years when the boys are so happy? It would feel so selfish. Though I know that it's selfish of me to have all these thoughts without saying anything to dh.

I don't think we can 'work at our relationship'. I don't feel any spark for him. I don't take joy in his company, though we have fun when we socialise in a group. We had a 'romantic' long weekend a while ago that was a total disaster. When we're alone he sits in silence. I try to make conversation but give up - even though I'm the sort of person who usually chats away to anyone and everyone.

I don't want to have sex with him any more though to be fair to him I have a few glasses of wine on a Saturday night every few weeks and try to show a bit of enthusiasm.

It all sounds so terrible in black and white - I feel like a right cow. He would be devastated if he knew how I felt.

Sorry it's so long. I need to get it off my chest. I wouldn't want to share this with rl friends.

I have to say that one of the things about my life that I am most glad of is that I worked out early enough that couplehood didn't suit me and was not something I should look for or enter into. So I never made myself and any perfectly nice bloke miserable by marrying him or indeed moving in with him.
I;m not being smug about this (I hope) - I was lucky in that I was only in my mid-20s when I started making friends with people who had an alternative sort of outlook on relationships, and the last 'serious' monogamous relationship I had didn't progress to moving in together due to practical hitches like 6 month leases on flats that couldn't be got out of (phew!).

I would say, if you're stuck in this sort of situation, that maybe Relate etc by yourself would be helpful in giving you strategies for managing a split as kindly as possible.

sgb you are very fortunate/bright that you figured that out in your 20s.

It is just incredible to me that coupledom is presented as a universal ideal by almost every source you can think of.

I tell my kids often they dont ever have to get married or live with another person

As a person who has only ever lived with one person, until recently when exh left, apart from at home with parents, I would say that the worry and trauma of finding yourself alone is a huge issue.

I know people who are happily living alone, yet have relationships, as some of you on here. You have sometimes chosen this way of life or not but you seem content with your choices.

I too would not insist to my DC that a 'married' state is ideal and that many other partnerships work very well.

But I know for me, that after 25+ years with my EXh, I am struggling, not with the practicalities of everyday life, but with the loss of my lover, companion, friend, my children's father and my security for the future.

I am sure that although OP is considering all aspects of her relationship which is why she is finding it hard to make such a decision, that will affect not only herself but the rest of her family.

partytime - you've summed it up rather nicely

I don't doubt that there would be times when I'd be alone and might wonder whether I had made the right choice. But I'm independent and gregarious so would have no fears of being lonely or bored!

I would love to be able to have short term monogomous relationships and then move on.

I do believe that my sons have benefitted hugely from a stable home environment with two parents.

I don't regret my marriage, I just feel that it would be better for me to leave it. However, the cost to the the other members of my family would be huge and that's what I'm struggling with.

Honestly... if I found out that dh was having an affair or wanted to leave for other reasons it would remove an enormous burden from me.

Do you think it would be helpful to discuss this with a counsellor/therapist, ideally with your partner? It seems that you are carrying this huge burden, it could be very helpful to share it with your partner and a neutral third party? I know that I would not want my partner to be in a position where he felt "trapped" in any way. If he felt trapped in our relationship I would want to help work something out, even if that meant taking some time out. After 25 years I think that is quite reasonable. After all, you get less time for a life sentence

Thanks. I can't really imagine his reaction. I'm sure that he thinks we get along fine most of the time so there shouldn't be a problem.

Friends of ours are splitting up and have both had long chats with me about it. They went to Relate both separately and as a couple and didn't find it terribly helpful. They're both sensible people, capable of analysing their problems themselves. The husband actually said that I made a better counsellor than the one they had at Relate!

SoStressed, I am soooo in similar boat to you, tho I think you are more certain about your feelings for dh than I am about mine.

I too am so struggling with having to take on FULL responsibility for splitting up. My DH knows I am unhappy but is willing to drift along in the hope it somehow becomes fine again. He is on a work trip in exotic location this week and my fantasy is he comes home and says "I've met someone else" because then, with one bound, I would be free and have no guilt. The decision would be taken for me, and that is what i want, or for it at least to be more mutual.

Anyway after one year on the couch with a therapist to try and get to the point where I know for sure that splitting is THE RIGHT THING TO DO, I have reached conclusion that I will never actually know that for sure. Life is not like that. The decision is a balance of two harms - harm to two dds (younger than yours) who would be devastated, upheaval for them of alternate weekends here and there, bitter husband etc, me feeling guilty about everyone, versus the harm of being so unhappy in current situation that I get more depressed, am even more a crap mother because irritable all the time in my misery, or in the end do something very hurtful (I work with a lot of nice men).

I am sure that some days you feel being unhappy is not enough to justify breaking up the family, and some days that it is the only thing that makes sense.

By the way, do you feel when you think of 10 more summer holidays, 10 more Christmases etc with dh??

good luck....

AF, thanks for providing the link to the thread I started. Been away and only just saw this.

My DH of 24 years also thinks that drifting along is acceptable. He goes out a lot, sometimes with other women ("just friends"), drinks heavily, spends money we haven't got but worst from my point of view is that he takes absolutely no responsibility for our life, home, extended family, finance, children. I have lost all respect for him and worry constantly about the huge debts we have which he won't discuss.

We never go out together, don't sit in the same room and both sleep on the edge of the bed rather than touching in any way.

I have been desperate to escape for five years and unhappy for longer than that. He refuses to discuss anything and more than once I've had to resort to writing him letters about my feelings, which he reads then never mentions again.

In the past month I have told him twice that I want a separation - he just says I'm being ridiculous and walks out of the room. I have an estate agent coming round to value the house and will just have to put it on the market.

Our DDs are 14 and 16. The eldest suddenly asked me this week why I've stayed married for so long - she is aware of the atmosphere caused by my unhappiness. When I explained it was for her and her sister, she said it was ridiculous. I feel she has given me the go ahead to have a life.

She will only be living at home for another two years and I need to start building a life of my own - it's not fair to be relying on my children for company.

I'm just waiting until exams are over in June and that's it. I am losing a beautiful house and a man I no longer love, but hopefully I will be gaining a life. I am pleased that the children have had stability but worry that it is at the expense of an appalling example of a marriage.

I have no illusions that this is going to be easy but I feel ten times better having made the decision.

Good luck.

and good luck to you, TheFutureMrsC

Better late than never, I say. It sounds like you have raised two lovely girls...that is to your credit.

Now you need to move on and find a life for yourself. With or without a man.

ducati - 10 more summer holidays and Christmasses... I've arranged to go away with friends for the summer and we usually surroung ourselves with extended family and freiends over the Christmas season.

No... it's everyday life that's the problem. Today we walked up to the polling station and some old lady (a neighbour of ours) asked if she could have our voter numbers to tick off. He snapped 'It's none of your business' which might be true but was just so rude and unnecessary.

TheFutureMrsClooney - your problem is slightly different from mine. My two would have no reason to suppose that we weren't happy.

OP regards your original post.

LEAVE
LEAVE
LEAVE!!!!

I was the child in this cicumstance (still ongoing) and wish my parents had split up. It's a friggin nightmare right now as the staleness/suspicions has turned into HUGE tumourous resentment. They dont speak at all despite living together, give each other nasty looks and generally passive aggressive (in fact they are the definition of passive aggressive). It's a horrid atmosphere. I realised something was 'amiss' by aged 9 or 10. My teenage years were horrible largely because of this atmosphere, the unspoken arguments (and the spoken ones) and I find myself in a pointless mediating position with them both now. My Mum is fearful of ending up on her own (she isnt yet sixty) and so does nothing. Had they seperated 20 years ago she would have felt confident about her appearance and levels of attractiveness and would have been a pretty good catch.
My Dad pointlessly and selfishly told my husband that he stayed for the sake of my sister and I. Far from being the hero - he was completely wrong. He may have stayed in body but his attitude and the atmosphere created, long term affects are appalling. He made the totally wrong decision.
Having said all of that - if there is the merest glimmer of rescue then go for it. I'm fairly certain about the whole grass is greener issue - it rarely is greener - you simply have a new set of problems after a while too.

OP - I thought mine hadn't realised as we put on a pretty good front. I think it's partly the lack of affection compared to their friends' parents has been a giveaway.

Thanks AF, they are lovely girls.

Thanks, everyone

The guy who I mentioned earlier who is splitting up amicably works from home. I popped round to see him yesterday and had a bit of a chat with him. (He's not the one I'm attracted to btw!)

I asked him about what made them split - even tho they get on ok.

He said he thought about when the kids leave - and wanting to move away - and just the 2 of them together. And it wouldn't be enough.

Just want to say I am in this situation at the moment..This is long, so bear with me.

Have been with DP for nearly 18 years, and have two DC's, one nearly 16 and the other 12.

Like many of you, we appear to have lost our spark and just are two adults now sharing a house.

It got to the point where there was an odd feeling at home, no arguments or anything, but no communucation or affection between the two of us.

Like the OP, sex is something I do once a week, because I feel I have to-odd really, as once I get going I'm okay, it's just that I never actually instigate any of it myself-just doesn't enter my head to.

We had a chat about two months ago and agreed to have a temporary spilt, to see what we actually want. We both agreed that although we do still care for each other, we are both not sure if it is this thing called love.

(We have agreed not to do anything just yet, as DC's have exams and shows etc through April and May)

However, although I think splitting is the better thing to do, I am so scared of being lonely, it's almost putting me off making the break. I do have friends/family and I also work FT, but what if I make the break and then regret it. I would have put DC's through all the heartache , not to mention myself and DP(for he still means an awful lot to me, even if I do not love him) for my own selfishness.

Do you really want to leave him, or do you want him to engage with you, and to make an effort to change things that are making you unhappy?

I think you need to really ram it home to him that if he wants the marriage to continue, he has to make an effort. A lot of men put their head in the sand over things they can't emotionally compute, and the funeral thing sounds just like that. But if you don't give him the option he has to either react, or take responsibility for the fact that if he doesn't change, you'll walk.

Personally I'd be dragging him to Relate. Maybe giving him the chance to have sessions on his own quite early on - it might be that in front of a professional he will start to open up more.

Come the summer holidays, I'd also be buggering off for as long as I can. Try and negotiate some time off work, go and stay with a friend or family elsewhere in the country, clear your head, let him see what life is like without you around, try and leave it long enough that he will miss you (and you might miss him), have some fun doing things you want to do, maybe go away with your DCs for a week, but also maybe live away from him with a trusted friend for a couple of weeks while you go to work as normal, so you can see what life would really be like for you without him. It's scary, but if you're really thinking about leaving him you'll have to talk to your children and family and friends, so you may as well get their support to try and resolve the situation.

ijustwanttobeme - you have just summed up our marriage, except that we don't have sex any more!

It's amazing how many of us are waiting for this years GCSEs to be over - I wouldn't be surprised it there's a run on solicitors come the end of June!

I envy you the fact you still seem to be able to talk to your DH - I'm having to force the issue and it makes me feel like a total cow.

Good luck

I could have written this post. It is a huge relief really to know that there are others out there who feel the same way.

Sometimes I feel I would rather we split and sometimes I don't. I can't make my mind up. But my DS is very young and I have an illness which means I cannot work and I don't know what I would do.

Sometimes I think there has to be more than this and I settled for the first man that came along when I was 18. I have never said anything to DH but when we got married, I did cancel our original wedding as I changed my mind about marrying him. I saw it as a first step to splitting but then I changed my mind again and we got married. Its our 7th wedding anniversary this year and I do wonder if this is going to be the rest of my life.

You're very young to be feeling like that already! Imagine how you'll feel when you're in your 40s or 50s. You should be changing your life somehow now - either by trying to change your relationship with your dh or by separating.