Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

When the one you will always love is not the one you married.

80 replies

royalmess · 02/05/2010 06:23

I am desperately looking for some advice and wise words. I have been reading similar old threads over the last few days and I know there are some amazing mnetters out there...

I have been married for 12 years, 4 dcs. We married young. The result of a lot of soul-searching on and off over this times is that I "settled" and was not truly in love with my DH. I know this is a terrible thing to have done, and so selfish to him.

There is another man, a friend who I had a brief relationship with long long ago, who I believe I still love with all my heart, mind and soul. He lives far away, we communicate sometimes by email, haven't seen each other for 9 years. He has told me several times he is still in love with me.

I have 2 questions:

Do I really love this man or is it possible to just think you do because your marriage lacks that special something?

If I really do love this man, how do I get over that and accept my marriage? I do not agree with divorce and cannot justify wrecking 5 lives to be with this man.

Thanks so much in advance.

OP posts:
MamaG · 02/05/2010 06:26

You need to stop all contact with this other man IMO.

You shouldn't end a marriage because you have feelings for someone else, you should end it because the marriage isn't working and then, after time on your own, if you want to start dating again, thats fine.

If you don't believe in divorce and want to stay married to your dh, contact with the other man is not going to do anything positive.

Sorry, but it's true. You have to be strong and just cut all ties.

LoveBeingAMummy · 02/05/2010 06:30

Totally possible and the most likely answer! To compare them both is unfair really, cause you arenot comparing like for like iyswim om has not lived with you for 12 years and helped bring 4 kids into the world. Plus thereust have been a reason you split up? I would also ask why does he tell you he loves you? Does he ask you to be with him? He knows you are married and yet says he loves you? Does he think you feel the same? If he thinks you both love each other and should be together why isn't he there trying to get you?

MamaG · 02/05/2010 06:31

Yes good point.

he knows you are married with children
you've made a commitment to your DH

other man should Back Off

Original poster
royalmess · 02/05/2010 06:33

Thanks MamaG.

I will have to think about that. It would be so painful to stop all contact, I feel physically sick thinking about it. Sometimes I have wondered if the oppostie would work, i.e. going to see him to shatter the illusion of him being so perfect.

Our marriage isn't exactly not working, we don't argue a lot, we agree on all the big issues, there's just never been much spark there. I'm not sure you can create spark?

My dh is very understanding - he knows I'm more or a complicated person than he is and recognises I need input from other people. But now it seems to have all gone a bit wrong.

OP posts:
MamaG · 02/05/2010 06:36

Aw yes I think you've gone a bit off kilter.

Don't go to see him. Please.

what is there IS a spark? WWYD then? It's a bad idea

Original poster
royalmess · 02/05/2010 06:36

We have always been friends, we were only together briefly many many years ago. I don't know why we didn't stay together, I will always wonder. Just life really, timing etc. Much of the time we just chat like friends, but the deeper feelings are always there in the background. He knows I won't leave my DH, he doesn't pursue me, but we have both been honest about how we feel and now not sure how to move on from that appropriately.

OP posts:
Skye37 · 02/05/2010 06:37

omg, this could actually have been my post...i'm in exactly the same situation as yourself, been married for 12 years, and have 5 children between us.
Things haven't been right with my hubby for years (many, many reasons..financial and just the fact we are so different), but I have stayed up until now for the childrens sake and because i am not financially independent.
I also had a brief affair a few years ago, and totally fell in love with this person. He was also in a relationship at the time,which he has now left, and has come back to find me...years on...
I'm not sure I can agree and say to stay with your husband. Yes, you have children together and they will be upset if you split..but what about your happiness? After 12 years you know what you are getting...you only live once...I think both me and you need to think of ourselves more. Children are very resilient..and maybe if you're not happy, your hubby isn't either???
I'm not advising you to leave...just have a long, hard think. Try and save some money up if at all possible, so you have that behind you...
Wishing you all the luck in the world hun xx

LoveBeingAMummy · 02/05/2010 06:40

With what you have just said in mind, what would you want your dh to do in this situation?

Original poster
royalmess · 02/05/2010 06:43

Thanks Skye, it's very hard isn't it? Best of luck with whatever you do.

I am not wanting to leave, I would like to find something more with my dh, but I don't know if it's possible. I often think that about only having one chance, and what could have been. Thing is I do love my dh, as the father of my children, he is a good man etc. I admire him and respect him, but it's very rational, iyswim. He has never made my heart sing! I feel a bit pathetic, I have so much yet I'm acting like a lovesick teenager.

OP posts:
Original poster
royalmess · 02/05/2010 06:45

Lovebeingamummy - you mean do I want my dh to change? He could communicate a bit better I suppose, but I don't think that's going to make that much difference, he can't change who he is.

OP posts:
Skye37 · 02/05/2010 06:50

I think there is still love and therefore hope in your marraige hun...you should try to make it work.
Do you get much time together (just the two of you?)...Is there not somebody who could babysit for you one night a week or something, so you could go out and forget about being mummmy and daddy for a few hours?
Maybe couple counselling would be good for you? Suggested that to my OH but he's not the "talking emotions" kind of person, so refuses.
All the best xx

Original poster
royalmess · 02/05/2010 06:55

No my dh is not the talking type either. He makes an effort but it's obviously so awkward for him it's almost funny. We have been busy with the dcs for years, which I think distracted me from the issues I have. Now they are a bit older we could go out more - I need to make the effort to WANT to.

OP posts:
Skye37 · 02/05/2010 06:57

Men are funny with their ways,aren't they?

Original poster
royalmess · 02/05/2010 07:01

I just have this romantic idea about "clicking" with your partner, sharing private jokes, feeling on the same wavelength, and all the other old cliches. I have all this with my old friend. I know in reality I have so much to be thankful for, I just need to get over myself and feel it...but how?

OP posts:
Original poster
royalmess · 02/05/2010 07:07

Skye does this man want you to leave your dh to be with him?

OP posts:
nearlyyy · 02/05/2010 07:22

Please please please don't pursue this relationship unless your marriage is already over. I have just come out of a very similar situation, which I regret very much. On e mail and similar it is easy to express your emotions with out really meaning to, very different in reality. I found that many of the feelings I expressed to the other man where actually very tied up with my feelings to my H, but was unable to express them to him as we were having problems. Transference of feelings is very easy and common. Just leavethe OM alone and concentrate on your H, many of the feelings you have may actaully be related to your H.
good luck, it is the most painfull thing to break up what you think is a romantic soulmate scenario, but believe me, it is unlikely to be anything more. Breaking up your marriage and family is about a million times worse than a few weeks of heartache and what if's....tell yuor H about this man, it will break the 'spell' get away with your H. be romantic with him, before its too late.

Original poster
royalmess · 02/05/2010 07:26

Thanks nearlyy. You are right of course. I wish I could know that these feelings are not real, if I knew that I could just live with the situation. I just can't imagine feeling like this with my dh at the moment.

OP posts:
nearlyyy · 02/05/2010 07:35

you will if you really work at it, i promise you. And if you really can't then consider whether you want to be with your H. Just sit and think now about the reality of leaving him, his reaction, the hurt, the pain. Then think about hwo you can make things better in your marriage, whether you can and how.

Think about the pain of not seeing your DC's because they are with your H for a weekend/holiday with him and his new love.....I'm not judging you at all, just is where I am now. It is a very deep, dark hole....one I shouldn't have fallen into beacuse I met a 'gorgeous' bloke on line...and my marriage WAS already pretty much over....good luck xx

nearlyyy · 02/05/2010 07:37

however hard break it off now, believe me, it is much harder if you meet and do have chemistry! DOn't 'what if' about this, just be strong.

Original poster
royalmess · 02/05/2010 07:41

Good to hear your wise words nearlyy. How did you find the strength to "forget" the love of your life though?

OP posts:
TDiddy · 02/05/2010 07:43

Royalmess and Skye37 sorry that you are in this situation.

A few random thoughts:

-most of us men disappoint in the end!

-part of me says do the sensible thing but part of me says that you shouldn't be denied the joy and thrill of feeling wanted that this emotional affair is bringing to your life. So I wonder if ceasing contact with this man will make you very unhappy and affect your relationship at home. Could you just be friends with the OM knowing that you you will never consume your physical desire with this man. You can then channel that passion into your own relations with your husband but you will probably have to tell him what is going on. There are risks with this strategy but worth considering. Your DH needs a nudge to fire him up!

Original poster
royalmess · 02/05/2010 07:49

TDiddy that is what I have been trying to do so far. This OM has been a constant presence (if not actually physical) for about 16 years, long before I was with dh. I have phases of that (sort of) working, but then I have times, like now, when I can't eat, can't stop thinking about him, don't want my dh near to me, and basically act like a teenager, crying over song lyrics etc. You know the sort of thing. It's an actual physical pain at times.

OP posts:
TDiddy · 02/05/2010 07:53

what i am saying is that ditching this man may not save your marriage. You could ditch him and then fight with your DH or be deeply unhappy or have an affair elsewhere.

So don't have a physical affair with this man but don't deny yourself contact with something that makes you happy. Then let your DH know and work with him on rebuilding passion. Give him a few clues.

Is their a sport or exercise that you could play/do with your DH: jogg, badminton, tennis, squash etc... Summer jogging through the woods...all good for (re) bonding etc.

biddyofsuburbia · 02/05/2010 07:59

Very difficult but based on similar (but not identical) situation I once found myself in I would have to say please do everything you can to improve your marriage and don't contact this man at all until you have given yourself distance and time to really think about the situation and the implications for both yourself and your family.

In a way clinging on to contact feels like a kind of safety thing and a distraction from facing up to what is really going on and making you unhappy. The more you focus on the 'spark' that isn't there, the less it will be there iyswim. Do whatever it takes. spice up the bedroom/go on a date/ take time to really talk/debate whatever. Go and sign up for a course or class for yourself which gives you something new in your life - anything!

It is a complete cliche but there is truth in the adage 'the grass is always greener'. It's not and jumping over the fence to find out is nearly always a recipe for a lot of heartbreak.

Really hope things work out!

TDiddy · 02/05/2010 08:05

yes, I think biddyofsub advice about focusing on your relationship is key whether or not you have contact with the other man. Does your DH know what is going on? If you don't give him a chance to be "be your man" then you are in fact ending the relationship.

Swipe left for the next trending thread