When the one you will always love is not the one you married.

[royalmess]

I am desperately looking for some advice and wise words. I have been reading similar old threads over the last few days and I know there are some amazing mnetters out there...

I have been married for 12 years, 4 dcs. We married young. The result of a lot of soul-searching on and off over this times is that I "settled" and was not truly in love with my DH. I know this is a terrible thing to have done, and so selfish to him.

There is another man, a friend who I had a brief relationship with long long ago, who I believe I still love with all my heart, mind and soul. He lives far away, we communicate sometimes by email, haven't seen each other for 9 years. He has told me several times he is still in love with me.

I have 2 questions:

Do I really love this man or is it possible to just think you do because your marriage lacks that special something?

If I really do love this man, how do I get over that and accept my marriage? I do not agree with divorce and cannot justify wrecking 5 lives to be with this man.

Thanks so much in advance.

My friend told me his feelings long before I married dh. That's why I think he's done nothing wrong. I knew back then and I made my choice, not that it seemed like a clear choice at the time, it was more life timing, where we all were etc etc.

Op your defensive about your freind, i know, but theres a problem here isnt there.

If this was the other way round, if there was an ex girlfreind emailing your dp, talking about what could be, how she loves him , intruding into your marriage with no regard for your children, would you honestly say shes not doing anything wrong ?

Was your marriage still working before you had contact with this man?
Sometimes one can look for things that are not good as a way of justifying having feelings for, or an affair with, another man.

Fab, I have always been in contact with my friend, more so at some times than others, but we have a very good friendship and always have. I think I've been trying to ignore my deeper feelings for a long time. They have popped up at various intervals ever since we met years and years ago. As I said, there is a lot of good in my marriage but I have never truly felt my heart was in it.

dignified, no of course I wouldn't like it if I knew dh had feelings for an ex. But simply a friendship with an ex could be ok, although as far as I know, he doesn't have that.

I knew I couldn't be friends with an ex when I didn't feel how I should when we spoke/emailed/texted if he really was just a friend. We have no contact at all now but I know he wishes we could be friends. So do I really.

Theres a good book that whenwillifeelnormal often refers too called the anatomy of an affair that might be worth you reading. As others have said, leave your marriage if its not working, not for someone you havent seen for years.

Was reluctant to say initially op, but ive been where you are , and i took it a step further. Disaster all round. I saw what i wanted to see , he was affectionate, undestanding and caring at a time when i badly needed it, but he was also a jobless waster with a bad attitude. It didnt end
well.

I hate him now and i wonder why i wasnt outraged when he first had the balls to intrude into my family.
Anyway, i think i was in love with the feelings, not him, also it was an exciting escape from mundane life. Hes a shit.

Do have a look at that poster i mentioned, she makes a lot of sense, its quite possible to become addicted to these feelings , making it hard to break contact, but often its the feelings, not the person your hooked on. Hope it all works out for you op, you sound like a nice person .

Thanks dignified, and for being open about your own experience. I have no intention of things going any further. You answered part of my initial question, about whether I'm
actually in love with this man or just believe that I am. It makes sense that it's more likely to be the latter when we haven't seen each other for so long.

If that is the case (and I will work hard at believing it is!)then I need to reduce contact and hope the feelings fade.

Someone said I don't know much about him besides what he says in emails - that's not true, he knows me far better than anyone else. I can say anything to him, that's why it's so awful to think about not having this person in my life. He said recently that should things not work out between me and dh, he would not hesitate to be with me if that's what I wanted. He also hasn't had any other relationships since ours ended - not that he said that was because of us or anything, but he hasn't, for whatever reason.

And thanks for the book recommendation too.

. Ahh, the joy of monogamism once again. This ridiculous idea that the only proper way to live is in a long term monogamous relationship is the prime cause of misery like yours OP. Your OM is a self-obsessed leech, obviously, but if it wasn't for the fact that you bought into the monogamist bullshit that you have to have a partner to be a grown up, you would have shagged your OM a time or two and worked out for yourself what a cocklodger he is - and been able to put him in his rightful place as an amusing intermittent diversion.
Also, if it wasn't for monogamism, people would be able to agree to have DC together because they appreciate each other's good parenting qualities, and yet they'd be able to accept each other having fun and flings elsewhere, rather than expecting one individual human being to be the answer to everything.
OK admittedly I'm lucky in that I have the best possible option - happily single with an excellent involved co-parent - but maybe that's because IU'm old enought o know better

Some people want to be married, some don't. Affairs will always happen whether people are married or not.

SGB I don't agree, but I still loved your post.

Op , You say he knows you better than anyone else. Really ? He knows you better than your husband and your own children, even though you havent seen him for years ?
Im not picking at you, and i hope you dont think i am, im just wondering if you need to challenge your own statements. Sometimes we say stuff without really thinking about it, then in our mind it becomes true.

And of couse you can say anything to him, your not in a relationship with him, theres no real intimacy, but a fantasy, a little ecape from lifes crap where you feel apreciated and admired . I wonder too, if your both just presenting the best side of yourselfs, although i know youll both do that daft thing where youll acknowledge your faults, but youll both pretend to identify and reason with each other.

The fact hes had no other relationships since you is either a fib, or worrying on its own.

Its horrible, but if you can cut contact, youll recover a lot quicker, and youll be laughing about it in a few months.

I hope you're right about the laughing. I also hope in a few months I can read your post again and think "0f course!"

I don't think he's lying about having no other relationships. He has told me about someone he liked but she didn't reciprocate. He's a bit wacky I suppose, not everyone's cup of tea, but I think he's amazing!

Hehe, op, mine was a long haired drug taking hippy , dramaticly older than me , overweigh jobless scrounger. But i thought i adored him. If someone wouldve told me it wasnt real id have argued till i was blue in the face.

I cringe when i think about it now. Might be worth making a list of his negative points !

SGB - you are so funny and so good

Royalmess - sorry to be intrusive but i was wondering whether the your husband doesn't surprise you or doesn't flick your switch physically? Is this at the heart of the problem? If so you may need to guide him ; give your relationship a chance. Just wondering if you are missing something and therefore looking outside for it.

Listen to Dignified. She is so right. I have done this too. My OM was a handsome 'free spirited' artist. We also had a special connection that no-one else could ever appreciate! I left my lovely kind husband for him and spoiled my little boy's childhood. OM gave me 7 years of hell (no money, wouldn't commit to me, emotional abuse). He ended up leaving me because I was too "suburban" and restricted him too much (i.e. objected to his other women).
He was actually a complete nob and now, 10 years later, still has no job or family. He was a nob and I was an idiot. Don't do it.

Thanks for your honesty wedlocked. These kind of warnings are just what I need to hear.

You've all helped me so much, thanks. I feel better already actually. What it comes down to is that although I do think me and my friend know each other really well, we don't know what it's like to be in a relationship together. It could be great or it could be a disaster. He will always be more than just a friend to me, but I hope that in time I can see it as a special friendship and nothing more. Once I've sorted out my head I would like to talk about some of this with my dh. Not quite sure how to put it yet though.

In answer to TDiddy, I'm not sure, have nothing to compare with!

If you can see him just as a really lovely friend that maybe if circumstances were completely different you might have had a relationships with, I don't really see where the harm is in that.

It is so easy to idolise someone when you have never had a "nuts and bolts" (that sounds rather rude!) relationship with. I think with a lot of opposite sex friendships there is a little thought which is saying: what if. Nine times out of ten, unless you are truly unhappy in your current relationship, it is best left as a "what if".

Reality can really spoil a fantasy!

Op im glad you feeling better about the whole thing , but i am wondering whether it is wise to stay in contact with this man . While you are in contact with him, will there not always be some part of you that thinks what if ?
A sympathetic freind to talk to after a crap day, a row with your dh ?
Would it be so hard to end up right back here ?
I dont think having freinds of the opposite sex are a problem , but when you get emotionally tangled its time to draw some boundarys to protect both yourself and your family.

I would advocate speaking to your dh about this too at some stage , the outcome couldve been very differant , i think you both should look at having boundarys with others so that neither of you ever end up in a situation like this.

I don't think you have to demonize the 'OM'. Perhaps, in a different life, things might have played out differently. But it didn't, and personally, I think you probably didn't leave him all those years ago because of 'timing' but actually you knew he wasn't the best bet in terms of wanting four children and a settled life. It's easy to re-run that bit in soft-focus...

I know what it's like to have a special friend with whom you will always share something special. Don't people still have 'soft spots' for people from their pasts? But that doesn't mean you have to give up what sounds like quite a nice present for it.

I remember reading once that often when people suddenly become single, they start putting loads of energy into things like getting new hobbies, losing weight, taking care of their appearance, going out more, taking care of their new partner's needs; all the things which might have helped had they done them BEFORE quitting the marriage (obviously I don't mean for really bad marriages, just ones where's it's all a bit stale). It doesn't sound terminal with your OH at all.

I wouldn't compare the 'spark' of an online exchange of emails with the everyday banality of life, but I would try to do something for yourself, you are clearly bored (with children growing up, going school) and need a project (not rescuing an emotional, dreamy unemployed man who is quite old to be drifting about even if he is lovely).

Also, don't assume your husband hasn't noticed the glint in your eye. I would move away to sharing your innermost thoughts with the OM and start sharing them with your husband.

Just a thought: What will happen to your 4 darling children? Will the OM love them and look after them like a father? No, because nothing can replace a good Dad.

So the spark is gone, IME it's more important you tick on the same wavelength and create a loving home for your dc, just as you promised to each other when you got married. Lust is nothing but a passing emotion and I think you are kidding yourself with a bit of drama to think this other man is the love of your life.

If you are serious, give your DH at least a chance to know what you are thinking.

I totally agre with everything dignified has said

stop mooning over a jobless dreamer, OP

'cos that is kinda silly, really

Seasidelil, no you're right things are ok with my dh, we get on fine, he is great dad and generally great person. I'm wondering now roughly what percentage of marriages are like that, i.e. based on more rational choices rather than that all-consuming initial falling in love. I know that feeling can't last but tbh I don't remember ever having it with him.

Thanks for the helpful practical advice too. You are all really helping to get me back on track.

Kittyonthebeam, of course no one can replace my dcs' dad, I am not considering that for a moment. You say it's important to be on the same wavelength - well I don't feel me and dh are. We agree on the big issues though which I know is a good thing. I have talked to dh about how we need to improve our relationship but I can't say I don't think I was ever really in love with you. I don't want to hurt him.

Thanks anyfucker for the vigorous shake.

There is a hint in your writings that this is about you getting hitched young and wondering whether you missed out on sowing your wild oats?