When the one you will always love is not the one you married.

[royalmess]

I am desperately looking for some advice and wise words. I have been reading similar old threads over the last few days and I know there are some amazing mnetters out there...

I have been married for 12 years, 4 dcs. We married young. The result of a lot of soul-searching on and off over this times is that I "settled" and was not truly in love with my DH. I know this is a terrible thing to have done, and so selfish to him.

There is another man, a friend who I had a brief relationship with long long ago, who I believe I still love with all my heart, mind and soul. He lives far away, we communicate sometimes by email, haven't seen each other for 9 years. He has told me several times he is still in love with me.

I have 2 questions:

Do I really love this man or is it possible to just think you do because your marriage lacks that special something?

If I really do love this man, how do I get over that and accept my marriage? I do not agree with divorce and cannot justify wrecking 5 lives to be with this man.

Thanks so much in advance.

Maybe. Not that I can do anything about that now anyway.

You should have a careful think about the underlying reason before alienating DH.

RM, with wavelength I mean you agree on all the big thngs in life and find a common ground to work from. I think I know how you feel (I had a reltionship before getting married where it was like that for me and the years together paralysed me). For your kids' sake, try and speak to your Dh about you feel, gently but in an open way. He must understand what is going on inside you and have a fighting chance to make it right, help you overcome the obstacles. Think if the roles were reversed. It would be so unfair never to know that the place as DW was up for grabs and there's a woman competing with you're not even aware of it.

There is a book called: www.amazon.co.uk/Love-You-But-Im-Not/dp/0747578176 which I found really helpful and which is a good read together with your Dh which might help you both.

Oh my, sry for bad grammar and spelling mistakes. It is early and I need a cuppa.

Thanks kitty, I have and will continue to talk to my dh in general terms about all this. I need to get my head clear at the moment and you're all really helping me to do that.