Drunk BIL Snuggles Up in Wrong Bed! WWYD?

[Vagabond]

I'd really love your opinions on this and I'll try to keep it snappy.

My sister and BIL hosted a housewarming party last night. It was a huge night, loads of people and everyone ended up very drunk and going to bed in the wee hours. (I wasn't there, btw).

My sister's best friend (let's call her Stacey) was visiting from abroad, just to attend the party, and was staying in the guest bedroom with her 5 year old DD.

My sister woke up this morning with a heavy head, but feeling happy at the huge success of the party. She went to give Stacey a cup of tea in the guest bedroom but found that she was gone. Upon further investigation, my sis discovered that her suitcase and hire car were also missing. She rang Stacey immediately to find out what was going on.

Stacey was calm but insistent that my BIL had snuck into her bedroom and 'tried it on with her'. It seems that Stacey woke up at 4am to find her knickers on the floor and my BIL kissing her tummy. My BIL was right there when the phone call happened and protested his innocence, grabbed the phone and tried to make sense of it all with Stacey. He apologised "if it did happen" but claimed to have no recollection of the events.

Stacey then got back on the phone with my sis and told her that her husband is a pervert and that she should leave him.

My sis and BIL are understandably distraught and upset. They both, however, have come to believe that it DID happen. However, they also firmly believe that it was a drunken mistake.

Sis and BIL have 2 boys under 3 and are constantly playing musical beds due to snoring and kids constantly waking up etc.. etc. I know this to be true because I've seen it on umpteen occasions. Also, they have a large house and it's very easy to be confused in the corridors. Lastly, Sis and Stacey look similar.

My BIL is not a pervy guy at all (and I'm not his biggest fan). Far from it. I honestly believe that it was a mistake - a huge, drunken mistake - but Stacey is adamant that it was not a mistake and says her friendship with my sis if over unless she splits with BIL. Stacey was also pretty drunk that night. I'm not blaming her at all (far from it!) but she didn't even wake up until he had her knickers off and was kissing her on the tummy.

My BIL phoned Stacey again later to apologise and to say that it's entirely possible it had happened but that he has no recollection of it and that it was unintentional.

My sister is on BIL's side (just) but is understandably worried that Stacey will tell all their friends (which she probably will) and that her carefully constructed life, new home, two young boys etc is in tatters because of this.
BIL is beside himself with shame and distress. I have to reiterate, he would have known that he couldn't have got away with it and I honestly feel that it was a hideous, drunken mistake.

I don't know why I'm posting. Just wondering if you'd believe that my BIL made a drunken and unintentional mistake. And more, how should my sis repair her friendship with Stacey?

TIA

Maybe she doesn't feel comfortable around someone who removed her underwear and groped her. So is just setting her boundaries.

Just a thought.

But she's not setting boundaries, is she? She's not saying 'I don't want to see him again' she's telling sis that they can't be friends if she doesn't leave BIL.

Surely they can be friends independent of BIL?

It's a bit 'him or me' over something that is very fuzzy in everyone's minds, no?

If this happened to me, I would likely feel that I had been assaulted.

Imagine waking up to find someone had taken off your underwear and was touching your body. It is unlikely that their relationship to one of your friends would turn it into a comedy moment.

If I felt that I had been indecently assualted it is unlikely that I would feel able to be friends with the man's wife.

I am not 10 years old, I imagine "Stacey" isn't either

I am at a loss over some of the attitudes on this thread

what happened immediately afterwards? where did bil go? this doesn't make a lot of sense... how was no one else in the house woken up?

def sounds like a drunk mistake - not sure i buy he thought it was his wife in his drunkern state he wudnt have gave a damn but ya, totally possible that it was all drink induced.

so if he didn't think it was his wife, was it a mistake because the woman woke up?

lol maily dail, well he wuda prob fell asleep soon after tryin n strugglin to get his own pants off, doncha kno how these drunken debacles go? :P

But has anyone here actually ever been that drunk that someone can take off your knickers and kiss your body before you notice? I have, once, I'd been given Rohipnol (sp?). Other than that, I just don't think it's possible, and for a mother, who hasher 5yo dd in a strange house, doesn't an instinctive protective thing kick in to not allow that to happen?

Of course no-on is condoning assault, but really you'd have to go some to prove that story

Whatever happened, and even allowing that they might both have very different memories - it is peculiar that Stacey's now saying sis must choose between H and her. It doesn't make sense.

A mother who drives, drunk, with her daughter in the car is irresponsible. No two ways about it.

I have done erratic things when drunk, and so has pretty well everybody I know. The "wrong bed mistake" is a hard one to get over, but actually happens quite a lot. Especially as you say he's just ended a long period of stress.

If he took her knickers off, she must have lifted up her bottom to help him, no? Or she didn't have them on in the first place. Or ... she made it up.

There was a thread exactly like this, back end of last year. In that case, I had quite a bit of sympathy for the complaining friend ... who, as it turned out, had a history of sexual abuse and complicated relationships with the couple.

In this case, I feel Stacey very much has got issues. A friend who tells you to choose between her & your family is NOT a friend. BIL may well have fallen into the wrong bed, but I bet the rest is made up.

Sounds like BIL thought the whole thing had blown over and was very, very startled by the phone call from Stacey. Grabbing the phone and trying to make sense of it all with Stacey and then protesting he was too plastered to know who he was disrobing seems like the reaction of a man who was caught off-guard rather than someone who was guilty of simply a case of mistaken identity while too drunk to consider little details like whose room he was in. Claiming to have no recollection of events is a safe explanation because nobody can prove otherwise.

A drunken kiss or a leg over is one thing, but taking off someone's knickers while she's unconscious is another altogether, and I think he couldn't have accomplished this without having some sort of inkling that this was not his wife or her knickers. I still don't think she can demand they split up for her sake, though. Your sister may well lose a friend over this.

sorry math that wasn't for you.

the person whose behaviour needs scrutiny here is the BiL.

What is wrong when a woman complains that she has been assaulted, the man admits it way well have happened and offers a rather shaky excuse, and the woman is the one whose bahviour and character is pulled apart.

Yes, well put.

Yes absolutely antoinette, just saying it doesn't add up. I'm scrutinizing the situation as a post, not pulling apart peoples character that I've never met???

Antoinette (assuming your was for me) - It never should happen, but when it does, it goes something like this:
Snuggle, snuggle, grope, YIKES! WTF?, wake up, get out, go NOW! Embarrassment, mumble, shuffle, omg, what do I say in the morning.

Which doesn't make it all right. I'd be seething if my partner did it - probably, and depending on how the erring parties acted. But she is not describing forced activity.
And she is wrong to set her friend in the middle.

If someone is unconscious and therefore unable to consent to, say, having her knickers removed, then that is coming close to forced just because it involves the removal of knickers (not involving force, per se, but not involving consent either).

Agreed not forced activity. But it is certainly unconsenting sexual activity. And she seems distressed by it. Unsuprisingly. Surely that's her right.

She may feel unable to have contact, rather than be trying to force her friend into a certain situation.

Yes, I'd be more than seething if my partner climbed into bed with an unconscious friend, removed her underwear and started kissing her body. Maybe I live in a parallel universe where this isn't part of normal behaviour, no matter the alcohol involved.

I believe it is possible to remove an unconscious person's underwear without their cooperation. I have removed my partner's shoes, socks and jeans without waking him. But this analysis of "stacey" is misguided.

Anything is possible with too much alcohol

The OP said it was a housewarming party so presumably its a house that the BIL has only been living in for a short while so may not be that familiar with the layout if very pissed.

So that could account for the wrong room.

However, Stacey has every right to feel violated if someone has come into the room where she and her child was sleeping, has removed her clothing and made sexual advances (inadvertently mistaking her for his DW or not).

Snuggles up?!

Taking knickers off and starting to go down on someone is not really drunkenly snuggling up, is it?

My husband's best friend drunkenly got naked in his friend's GRANDMOTHER's bed. He doesn't remember anything of the event but has been advised that he tried to kiss her and there was screaming (on both their parts) and then he left, seemingly mortified.

He has no recollection.

Just saying.

I've been so drunk before I've passed out and had to be undressed and my pyjamas put on. It's possible she really didn't know.

We have also both woken each other up with oral sex and by almost penetration. By this I mean either him or me rubbing either my fanjo or his dick with the other. Not sure I explained that very well? I find it a turn on to be woken up like that but would be angry if he tried full penetration whilst I was asleep. So basically I don't think what he did was wrong if he really did think it was his wife.

Why did Stacey not scream or something when she woke up though?

OMG - her knickers were removed so she "must have lifted up her bottom to help".

Words.Fail.Me.

Oh and you can't get raped wearing skinny jeans .

A very odd story.

If I was your sister and her BIL I wouldn't be surprised if 'stacey' takes this further.