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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I have asked dh for a trial separation, he is going tomorrow and has stated that he is never coming back

56 replies

haveidonetherighthing · 30/04/2010 22:42

I am feeling very wobbly, we have 2 dc, one of 2.5 and the other 8 weeks.

it is his anger, I just can't deal with it anymore. i cannot spend the rest of my life having these huge arguments with me in floods and a constant low level bickering the rest of the time.

after a dreadful christmas where he demanded a divorce (he thought i wasnt being "grateful" enough for everything he provides for us - I am a SAHM), almost caused a car accident with his road rage and behaved like a twunt in front of my family I started seriously considering life without him. I suggested marriage counselling but no way would he consider it, he won't even admit we have a problem.

he has just spent the last hour telling me i am a selfish, ungrateful liar who will ruin the childrens lives, that i am a "disgrace" (all these insults have come up in previous arguments btw) that i have upset the whole family, no one will ever be able to forgive me for what i have done, that he has been nothing but an angel and I am lucky to have had him that I never admit when I am in the wrong, that i will tell everyone only my side of the story and he will come across as a total arsehole (this will happen,but only because it is true) that i won't get a penny of of him so will have to go out to work and leave the children in childcare all day.

there is an age gap of 14 years. it gets bigger by the day.

and now i have done it. shit.

OP posts:
Shaz10 · 30/04/2010 22:43

Please don't say shit, instead feel relief, he sounds awful. Well done.

Monty100 · 30/04/2010 22:48

He sounds like an arse. He sounds like quite a nasty spiteful arse actually.

Do you have family and friends support around?

CarGirl · 30/04/2010 22:50

Please take the opportunity to change the locks so he doesn't come back!

He sounds like an abusive bully.

Alambil · 30/04/2010 22:51

he sounds like a nasty, spiteful, abusive arse ...

take him to the cleaners and then live your life happy and free

alypaly · 30/04/2010 22:51

well done you....you wont regret it.

Original poster
haveidonetherighthing · 30/04/2010 22:52

he is just a bully, but conversely accuses me of being exactly that

he conducts arguments in front of our dc, and his ds, and until I seriously pulled him up on it would think nothing of shouting me down in public. I have felt so humiliated when he has done that.

he actually snarls with rage at me sometimes, often in a whisper so no one can hear if family is around

there has been some physical stuff too.

one night after an argument i took refuge in our then only dc's room from the verbal onslaught, he waited for me outside and pushed me hard with his face up close to mine

on holiday last year he threw a bag at my head in front of a beach full of people as I pushed our dc's buggy - i had complained that his idea to walk a mile along the beach i the baking hot sun with dc screaming and burning in my arms wasnt a good idea, but he insisted we do it anyway. she burned. I REALLY hated him then.

last week while my mum was here we had a whispered row in the kitchen and he twisted my hand back painfully using a pot I was holding that he wanted, in front of eldest dc who cried

writing it down is helping. I cannot allow the children to think that this is how a relationship should be

OP posts:
expatinscotland · 30/04/2010 22:53

He's a prick.

Alambil · 30/04/2010 22:56

0808 2000 247

they'll help you get help and support

Chandra · 30/04/2010 22:57

Of course you feel wobbly, do you have family around that can help you through this?

IMO he won't be going, he is just trying to kick you into submission, and to make you re think your decision.

Life as a single parent is not easy, but living without this kind of rubish, makes it worth it.

Over the following days (if he goes), remember one thing, if you are ok your children will be fine. Take care of yourself, take all the help you are offered, cry on as many shoulders as you can, that could be the beginning of great supportive friendships. Sleep if you are tired, carry on with the routines. And eventually you will see how wonderful life is and what a very bad time you were having in your marriage.

All the best.

CarGirl · 30/04/2010 22:58

Seriously change the locks tomorrow, get legal advice and start divorce proceedings urgently. Get this hideous man out of your life.

Chandra · 30/04/2010 23:00

BTW, with regards to your last post... that is domestic violence, you know? you need to get help, and soon. If he is really that nasty, I doubt he will go peacefully. Sorry.

JeezyPeeps · 30/04/2010 23:03

My word. Life is a single parent isn't easy, sure, but it will be easier than dealing with what you currently have to put up with! I think you should be popping the champagne that he isn't coming back. And when he does decide to try (which I have little doubt he will), then stay strong and say no.

You will be happier and a better mum without that behaviour pulling you and your children down. I think Chandra has it right - get all the support you can from the people around you. They will be glad to help - if your friends are anything like mine they will be delighted that you finally got out of a relationship that was toxic.

Wishing you and your kids a bright and happy future!

Fluffyone · 30/04/2010 23:04

This time next year you will look back on this and know that it is the first day of a new and better life.

gingerkirsty · 30/04/2010 23:06

"I cannot allow the children to think that this is how a relationship should be" - well done you, you should be very proud of yourself. Good luck

Original poster
haveidonetherighthing · 30/04/2010 23:08

thanks for all your encouragement.

I am shitting myself thinking over how i am wrecking the dc's lives though.

he thinks it is all because i want to move back to where I was born and where my (and some of his) family are, and because he has said no I am having a strop.

I am not. I want my eldest to have a chance at getting into a decent primary, I want us to put down roots somewhere. i want my dc to grow up near my mum and sister, and his lovely sister and my niece and nephew. my dad died 18 months ago and its made me realise how precious life is

he isnt keen on my family, says we are "too close" and makes a lot of snidey comments about how boring and homey I am. err, no - we have 2 small dc's and i am a SAHM, this is how it is at the moment.

they live an hour away, but this means as his job is up here he will have to commute an hour in the morning and an hour back (M25) as opposed to the ten mins it takes him now.

for the quality of life for the dc's I believe it is worth it, he doesnt agree so decided we are staying here

OP posts:
cariboo · 30/04/2010 23:10

Good riddance! You've done the right thing. Trust me.

CarGirl · 30/04/2010 23:12

Could you take the dc and go live with your Mum temporarily whilst you sort out housing benefit etc? Then you will have relocated and got rid of him all in one go?

Whilst fleeing domestic violence a local authority will provide housing benefit for you to rent whilst you sort out the divorce and financial assets etc.

Alambil · 30/04/2010 23:12

staying would wreck their lives

"too close" is a common theme among abusers

so is "you're having a strop" when in fact, you're utterly justified in your actions and words

seriously - give the phoneline a call, it's free and open 24 hours a day

0808 2000 247

blinder · 30/04/2010 23:19

Witnessing domestic violence including verbal abuse is very harmful to children. You are not wrecking their lives. You are demonstrating that you deserve to be happy and so do they.

I left my ds abusive father when he was one. I have never regretted it. You will be so glad that you spared them the anguish of seeng you so unhappy.

Well done. You don't have to live the way you have been living. And you have done the right thing. I am sure this is the beginning of the good times.

Original poster
haveidonetherighthing · 30/04/2010 23:21

thanks lewisfan, will call tomorrow once hes gone.

he has no respect for me, thats what it comes down to.

I am scared of him, frankly. That isnt right is it?

Earlier i escaped upstairs away from the shouting, heard him come in the kitchen door still ranting and raving and not finding me where he had left me (sofa) come straight up the stairs. I actually felt my heart thumping, terrified that it would start again and that my dc would hear every word.

I am actually terrified of telling anyone about the violence because I am worried about hurting HIS feelings.

wtf is that about?? I feel brainwashed, like i have been a different person for the last 4 years

OP posts:
Alambil · 30/04/2010 23:27

That's just it - you are brainwashed, in a way...

they get right in your head, like a computer virus...

get out and get free - tell people; the authorities, family, friends... anyone you can because abuse thrives on silence

are you safe tonight?

Ring 999 whenever you feel threatened. OK?

Original poster
haveidonetherighthing · 30/04/2010 23:29

just to add, i had to go in and calm my eldest after the first batch of shouting (both of us, not just him).

unfortunately she guessed I had been crying (it was dark in there must have been my voice) and she got a tissue and said "blow your nose mummy, is it all blocked up? shall I wipe your eyes as well? we don't like shouting do we, its not very nice"

the bit about shouting has been learnt from me telling her. what a bloody hypocrite I am.

actually writing that down has made me realise how lovely my dc is and how ashamed I am i have let it come to this

have to go to bed now, smallest dc will be wailing for a feed shortly. will check in tomorrow though, thankyou all so much x

OP posts:
Badinfluence · 30/04/2010 23:30

So he is ranting and raving at his wife who gave birth to his child only 8 weeks ago, am I right?

8 weeks!! What an arsehole.

You have done the right thing.

You are not to blame for his behaviour.

The children will be far happier being brought up by a happy single Mum than a scared one living with a frightening father.

I am a long time lurker on MN but felt I had to post on this thread and offer support.

You have done the right thing.

junglist1 · 30/04/2010 23:35

You've done the right thing for your children, well done. I was with an emotional abuser for years, every fucking outing was wrecked, every Christmas, every birthday. Still he thought he was God's gift. Thick as shite if you ask me

Chandra · 01/05/2010 00:07

As somebody put it to me, it is not the separation that hurts the children, but witnessing all the nasty stuff of the last days.