I have asked dh for a trial separation, he is going tomorrow and has stated that he is never coming back

[haveidonetherighthing]

I am feeling very wobbly, we have 2 dc, one of 2.5 and the other 8 weeks.

it is his anger, I just can't deal with it anymore. i cannot spend the rest of my life having these huge arguments with me in floods and a constant low level bickering the rest of the time.

after a dreadful christmas where he demanded a divorce (he thought i wasnt being "grateful" enough for everything he provides for us - I am a SAHM), almost caused a car accident with his road rage and behaved like a twunt in front of my family I started seriously considering life without him. I suggested marriage counselling but no way would he consider it, he won't even admit we have a problem.

he has just spent the last hour telling me i am a selfish, ungrateful liar who will ruin the childrens lives, that i am a "disgrace" (all these insults have come up in previous arguments btw) that i have upset the whole family, no one will ever be able to forgive me for what i have done, that he has been nothing but an angel and I am lucky to have had him that I never admit when I am in the wrong, that i will tell everyone only my side of the story and he will come across as a total arsehole (this will happen,but only because it is true) that i won't get a penny of of him so will have to go out to work and leave the children in childcare all day.

there is an age gap of 14 years. it gets bigger by the day.

and now i have done it. shit.

I am all for trying as hard as you can to make a marriage work when there are problems. But from the sound of it, you don't have a marriage, you are one of three victims of a violent and thoroughly nasty person. Your DC's lives will be far more messed up by him staying and continuing this behaviour. And, given his lack of concern about DD's well being on the beach, who is to say he will never do to them what he is doing to you? I couldn't trust that he wouldn't.

I have never been in an abusive relationship, but I have read on here, so many times, about the violent partner isolating the (usually) wife from family support. It really does sound as though that is happening here. The fact that he continues to behave in this way, moderating his behaviour to do so, when you have family guests, is a big worry. Because it tells me he is manipulative and totally in control of himself. He is dangerous.

I can't offer you advice about what to do, where to go, but plenty of people have done that. All I can do is to say keep strong and see this one through. I think your children will thank you for it and your self esteem deserves it.

I'm in the same situation. My "dh" is over 10 years older, we have two dc. He can be absolutely horrible. A real bully. I gave him an ultimatum - either get professional help or we're finished.

I should have said similar, not same situation. You have an 8-week old baby... you have, imo, made the best decision. Your dh needs help and until he gets it, keep him away. Far away. I'm so sorry. I know how terrible the anger and constant tension are - it's emotional abuse and just as damaging in its way as physical abuse. It's an impossible way to live. Thinking of you. xx

I have recently got out on an emotionally abusive relationship. The damage it has done and is still doing is immense. My children and I are very slowly beginning to recover with A LOT of help from Womens Aid, the GP, Nurse practioner, children's services provided by the local authority and the PCT mental health services, as well as the police. (I'm getting my money's worth tax wise!)

It's tough, really tough. Here is a life saver too. Keep posting.

Have you got any of the above working for you? There's so much out there.

well done OP.

don't back down or agree to anything besides separation. you're doing the right thing. don't let him manipulate you into changing your mind or make YOU feel responsible for his lack of ability to deal with anger.

just take things a day at a time. every day without him will give you strength.

OP just reading this thread made my stomach flip flop - it reminded me of my sisters first marriage when i used to listen to them screaming at each other and physical violence on occasion too. I was about 7/8 at the time. There is a large age gap between my sister and I (18 years) and my nephew who was 3/4 at the time used to cuddle into me and I used to pretend I was asleep.

It was horrid and even to this day I cannot stand a man and woman having a big argument in front of me. And I am no shrinking violet, trust me.

You sound like you need a clean break - a trial seperation isnt enough.

Keep posting and do ring the number Lewisfan gave you. There is help, there is a better life and the children will be much happier with a mum who isnt tramping on egg shells the whole time.

Well to update, he went this morning but not without a fight. he cried in front of our eldest, which tbh was really the last straw for me.

he still refuses to see there is a problem in our relationship. we do not RELATE to each other at all, but he just can't accept that. kept banging on about what had he done to deserve this, he provides us with a good life, he was only saying to his mate yesterday how happily married he is

i pointed out we must be living in parallel universes then, bearing in mind when i was heavily pregnant he sent me packing to my mothers for two days as he "couldnt live like this" (when i actually went to call his bluff i got more abuse down the phone, witnessed by my sister and BIL)

however, 40 mins later he is back. "I have been to my mums" he claims "and she thinks it is outrageous that you have thrown me out of my own house. she has gone to my sisters for the weekend so now I have no place to go. you will have to go to your mums"

"well thats tough" says I. I am not going to my mums with both dc when all that is familiar to them is here, and eldest dc needs some continuity right now"

more shouting and character assasination from him to me, he then suggests that i leave and he looks after the dc youngest is breastfed I might add, hows he going to do that??

he sits in garden and i whip dc upstairs so eldest can't see he is there

I stand my ground. he leaves. have just spoken to him. apparently he will still not go to counselling, and i have basically destroyed our marriage. told him that i beleived we could still sort this out for sake of dc's after some time apart.

he is refusing this is possible, yet still blaming me for "ruining everyones lives". go figure

I havent changed my name. bugger. well its me. hi

Well done for standing your ground!
You sound so strong, keep it up!

Well done, feel proud of yourself.

Stand strong, change the locks. Well done he's a tosser.

If you want to understand why he can't gear what you are saying, Patricia Evans put's it beautifully. If you Google Patricia Evans dream woman, you get some free pages of one of her books.

They are SO disconnected from reality, they REALLY don't get it. It's very sad, but not as sad as what it has done to you and your dc's.

Stay strong....ring Womens aid. They are amazing. They will be able to tell you what he says to you!

He sounds a bully, but to be honest if I was the sole earner in the family and my husband told me I would have to spend 2 hours in the car each day just so he could be nearer family I would be unimpressed. I hate commuting and that's alot of fuel and bad for the environment. I find it hard to believe you have to travel 1 hour away to be near a decent primary school. You can get alot of private tuition from 2 hours of fuel a day.
SO YANBU to end the relationship as he sounds horrid but YABU to try and force him to commute for 2 hours a day.

Call your family and get the support network up and running. Even if he does manage to persuade people you are in the wrong, they will soon realise. He will have to pay maintenance for you and the children so get pay slips, etc copied.

thanks everyone, my sister is coming up soon for some moral support. have phoned dh and asked him where he is. he refuses to tell me.

I am so tired of arguing and ampraying it is over soon.

2rebecca some background that might help. when we met he agreed that when we had dc we could move back nearer where i grew up (its a lovely area, good schools, family and friends are nearby etc etc) this has been so important to me, and when my dad died very unexpectedly i realised that was what i wanted for my dc's more than anything.

i have waited, and waited, and waited for the nod from him that we can go ahead. and then three weeks ago he told me that he actually had no intention of moving back to my home despite the fact he has NO friends around this area even though he grew up only 10 miles away, that he has been talking about only going into the office three days a week when things get more settled (self employed), that he wants better life for dc's.

funnily enough, he gets all excited talking about moving to scotland, or the west country in the future...doesnt seem to bother him about the commute from there but thats because my family will be hundreds of miles away, and that for him is the problem

so in a nutshell the problem is not the commute, the problem for him is that i will be near my family. my lovely supportive family who he hates

2rebecca - and i am not going to privately tutor my 4 year old with the money saved on dh's comute! she is my pfb but come on!

wilkos I had much the same from my XP. We tried Relate, he was ok for a few weeks then it all kicked off again. Constant threats, abuse, storming off down the pub etc. We finally split when DS was 2 and DD was 4 months old. He exploded like never before on New Years day 2009 and threatened to kill us all, I have never been so scared as he is huge. I was able to call my mum and she got here like a shot and we left the house with him raging at us. He left the keys and we came home the next day, my house thank God (the twat spent so much money down the pub he was never going to get a morgage) so we are secure here.

You are doing the right thing. Move forward and don't look back. Get womens aid, CAB, family & police involved if you have to. The police have been fab when I've needed them, XP has been fined and cautioned for harrassment as he was ringing my phone all the time. Get a free session with a solicitor as soon as you can.

Stick with your family, you will be ok.

2rebecca, an hours commute each way is a perfectly reasonable commute IMO, and besides which you comments are inappropriate in the context of this thread.

Wilkos, well done for standing your ground against this bully, particularly when you have such a young baby in the house and are no doubt feeling rather vulnerable.

I think you made the right choice and your H's behaviour since you asked him to leave has done nothing but reinforce that. Agree with everyone else that you should gather your support network around you now, you will need them for emotional support if nothing else.

i hope you're not trying to persuade him into relate as this is too serious for them.

it would be like trying to put a plaster on a gaping wound.

just remain firm, resolute and take none of his shit. I KNEW he would cry... it's all manipulation... he'll no doubt try them all, even being reasonable. DON'T SEE THROUGH IT.

as there's been physical abuse you'd be wise to get some advice from women's aid and get everything in order.

you're doing SO well to have stood firm today.

hi there, how are you doing now?

Wilkos,

Just wanted to say well done, you should be incredibly proud of yourself.
Not sure if you have found time to get some legal / benefit advice yet, would be surprised if you had with such a tiny baby and another DC, but probably worth starting to sort it all out.
I would predict he will be back, trying to get you to let him back in the house etc. so do take care. Abusers are often at their worst at the time you split up. Don't let him talk you into going to counselling with him, Relate should not do joint counselling with anyone who is in a relationship which is currently abusive anyway, the abuser will often use the feeling of security in counselling to their advantage and abuse you even worse in future.Hope you and the children have a peaceful bank holiday weekend.

Hiya, no word from him as yet. have got the bolt on the door in case he does decide to come back.

my sister came and we took dd to the park. she didnt say it, but I think shes quite pleased. she doesnt suffer fools gladly!

god knows where we go from here. having a glass of wine now and cooking myself dinner with 2nd dc in his bouncy chair. everything is calm and tidy and no one is shouting. its lovely.

will update when I have more news x

If he tries to bash the door in, ring 999. Because he'll be seriously pissed off that you've had the guts to bolt the door. He has a history of violence...

Where you go is entirely up to you.

Do you want to be free forever? If so, get the call in to WA and a visit to the CAB and get the legalities sorted asap... then divorce the abusive prick.

DO NOT fall for any of his "oh it's all you.... you've ruined what we have... blah blah lies blah blah more lies"

that's all it is - lies. Manipulation. Don't, whatever you do, believe it.

Please get down CAB and start divorce proceedings, he is abusive and you are programmed to accept it from him. He will never change just keep him out of the house and get divorced asap.