contact related question..

[snowmama]

Hi, I am a long time lurker...although am known on my ante/post natal threads. I left my EA H a few months ago...thanks in part to a lot of the advice here (albeit to other people!). As I moved to another town H has been coming and staying with us most weekends.

Is there is no alcohol available,this works ok....but if H has a drink it all goes wrong. This weekend it all went wrong resulting in the police being called. He left but refused all offers to stay with other members of my family till he sobered up and ended up sleeping on the street. I have not responded to his many calls and texts as he is clearly still raging. Many things have been said but main one is that by not taking his calls I am blocking access to the kids. I do not want to block access but do want a third party such as family mediation involved. If he refuses mediation.....which is likely..what are my options..i cant continue as we have.

why did you leave only to have him return at weekends?will either of you qualify for legal aid?ou are not blocking access as none has been formerly arranged

how old are the dc?

They are one and three. I let him back to see the kids. No for legal aid....really unsure how/where to arrange formally as the lawyer I talked about contact orders only...which seemed to be a fairly aggressive course of action.

phone contact at those ages would never work...so not taking his calls is not blocking access!!

dont have him back in your new home....this is sending him the wrong message

does he have somewhere to have the kids for access? do you trust him?

i have just been through 2 years of court with an abusive ex. its not ideal,but with some men its necessary.

mediation/contact centre/third party handovers could be the way to go

he only has a shared house to take the kids and it is in another town. At the moment I cannot trust him not to get drunk. Yes, I think mediation/ formalised contact is the way to go. Thank you

dont let him in your house to see the kids. it wont work.

up to him to arange somewhere else suitable.

let him have them at a soft play or in park for few hours.

if he wont atend mediation then apply to court for residence order (which ill then look at contact)

If he has no other means of contacting you to arrange contact then that is contact blocking - but presumeably he can write a letter?

I'd write to him, spelling out that due to his behaviour you will no longer allow contact in your home and that due to the incident this weekend he will have to organise acceptably supervised access. Say you recognise the need for communication and suggest mediation, but point out that abusive communication is not acceptable and you will not be accepting calls until his text messages are no longer aggressive, and that you will terminate any call that becomes abusive.

The difficulty with applying to court is that the children already live with you, so there is no reason for a Residence Order - thus the no-order principle would come into play.

Er he stays there with them at weekends..... Op is hardly a contact blocker!!

3BBs, I was pointing out in what circs it would be contact blocking and then why it wasn't in OP's case. I was being a bit sarcastic about the ex's claim, so perhaps wasn't clear.

As for him staying there with them at weekends - I'm guessing that won't continue as she's not taking his calls?

his behaviour has jeopardised contact! if his state of anger prevents him from sensibly discussing contact arrangements then contact cannot be arranged...
don't let him stay with you; you need to protect yourself and your children.
save the texts, you might need them.
only have sensible conversations about the children; reassert the boundaries.
and get a solicitor.
good luck

Thanks all... I have not taken calls since Saturday...since he has not calmed down yet...I am still getting angry texts...he did also send a proposal that looks reasonable (and written by someone else...). I have emailed back to say happy to duscuss the plan but only on conjunction with third party such as family mediator or solicitor..so we shall see....I don't think he will be happy with that though...