Please help, I'm lost.

[corrupted]

I know I will probably get abused here but I think I need some help. I'm on a knife edge of starting an affair. I think it might be out of revenge for things that have happened between DH and I. Dh wants me to go to relate to try and fix our marriage - I don't want him to touch me and dread the thought of counselling. He's been poorly with depression and I've tried my best to support him but something in me has snapped. I don't want to fuck my life up but I'm struggling. I can't tell anyone in real life what is going on - they are under the illusion that all is well but as the old adage goes, you don't know what goes on behind closed doors.

The good news here is that you're brilliantly self-aware (even though it might not feel like it at the moment!)

You know you are being punitive and that this is a revenge affair and you know this will "fuck you up". And my God it will.

Please go down the Relate route and at least try that first. If it fails, part amicably from your H before getting involved with anyone else.

There's no shame in struggling in marriage and there's no shame in trying your best (i.e. Relate) but having to part. But having an affair really isn't the answer, if for no other reason than it will make you feel worse about yourself and your marriage.

You're absolutely right - no-one knows what goes on behind closed doors. Whatever your problems are an affair is never, ever the answer. They only lead to heartbreak for all involved. Give counselling a go - it's worth a try. Whether the result of counselling is to stay together or not, you will know you tried.

I just don't know if I can do counselling. I had a bad experience some years back and couldn't hack counselling. Walked out on second session incredibly distressed. It really frightens me. I am just so angry at the moment and know I am behaving in a terrible way but can't stop. I'm a bit worried I'm losing it.

What distressed you so much about the caounselling last time and what frightens you about it now? Maybe you need to go for counselling when you are not so angry and, therefore, more receptive to it.

have a trial separation ..

you do not have to let him touch you if you don't want to,and you don't have to go for counselling, you are still your own person,married or not

separate either temporarily or for good then you can go out with whoever you please

But that was then and you'll see a different counsellor this time. Do you think you could be really honest with the counsellor (perhaps request some individual sessions for you both) and convey what you are angry about and how close you are to infidelity? Just letting off steam would probably help you so much now.

Although I've got no sympathy for the OM trying to have an affair with someone who is married, actually this is not fair on him either. He is being used as an attack weapon because of your anger.

Have a think about safe ways of expressing that anger. It is an emotion like any other and needs venting, but in a way that will not harm you or others.

Bluntly, I was 21, my boyfriend committed suicide, I found his body. I was deeply traumatised (probably still am - sorry for bluntness of post - I have had a drink tonight). I had counselling thrust upon me and I could not bear to reflect on what had happened - there seemed an obsession to make me go through what had happened. I couldn't cope.

Maybe you're still angry about that experience and your husband's depression has unearthed that fear that he might also commit suicide?

A good counsellor would really offer enormous help processing these terrible memories, which are probably unresolved post-traumatic stress disorder. As Karmann can probably testify, untreated, this condition can lead to all sorts of self-harming behaviour and an affair is just such an example, except this would hurt your H, the OM, any partner he has - and any DCs you all have.

I think maybe you were pushed into counselling at a deeply traumatic time when you really weren't ready for it. Was it a bereavement counsellor you saw? If not, then it was the wrong type of counsellor for you.

I do think that you are probably still traumatised by what happened to you but counselling will only help when you are ready for it.

I am very frightened that he will hurt himself and that everybody will blame me.

OK so now I see where you are. Do you feel you took the blame before?

Of course you are, I understand that. Is he suicidal? What treatment has he been getting?

An affair is going to make it worse though, isn't it? And people then might well blame you.

Indeed WWIFN, PTSD leads to a whole host of problems if left untreated and I believe that the OP is suffering from this.

Corrupted, please stay here and talk to us.

I think my boyfriend's father blamed me. But he was pretty much ostracised - only allowed to the funeral at the last minute. He had been absent and when not absent abusive, through Chris' whole life. I couldn't ask people whether they blamed me or not. He left a note and it said he loved me and had nothing to do with me but I have always felt a huge amount of blame.

My husband tells me everyday he is not suicidal - he knows I am hypersensitive to it to the point of not wanting him out of my sight if I think he doesn't feel good.

What a mess.

So you do love him?

Have you considered you've got PTSD?

I was diagnosed with PTSD but ignored it - don't know why. It is nearly ten years on. I feel permanently frightened in lots of ways. My husband laughs at the way I jump out of my skin all the time. I think it's related. Ever since DD arrived I jump awake and always think she is dead.

You weren't ready to admit it then, that's all.

You really do need some help love, please reach out and get it. That fear won't dissipate without some healing.

Suffering a loss in such brutal circumstances often makes people feel they are going to lose others and so I understand your fears about your DD and your DH. You love them both, don't you?

I think your boyfriend's father blamed you because it was easier to off load blame onto someone rather than accept that his son took his own life through his own choice.

It was not your fault. Some cope with life and some don't. Please stay here, I am really concerned about you.

I really love them both - I just want to be normal and get on with our lives. I'm so angry though.

What you have just described is absolutely classic PTSD. Please seek some help now corrupted, I really think you are ready for it. Don't ignore it anymore.

Okay, so the big stuff is actually okay then. You love those two people very much and you don't want them to come to any harm.

What are you angry about?

love who both?
What are you angry at?

I don't want to open the old wounds. I have worked hard to get beyond it. For approx a year I couldn't function at all and something snapped one day. I threw myself into study and then work. On the outside, those who know what happened it must look like I'm callous and it didn't touch me. I have been successfu career wise. I can't bear to talk about it.

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You could start the counselling though from the perspective of what angers you now, without getting into past events.

Although I do think that submerging it all has links to your current trauma.