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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Please help, I'm lost.

51 replies

corrupted · 24/04/2010 21:13

I know I will probably get abused here but I think I need some help. I'm on a knife edge of starting an affair. I think it might be out of revenge for things that have happened between DH and I. Dh wants me to go to relate to try and fix our marriage - I don't want him to touch me and dread the thought of counselling. He's been poorly with depression and I've tried my best to support him but something in me has snapped. I don't want to fuck my life up but I'm struggling. I can't tell anyone in real life what is going on - they are under the illusion that all is well but as the old adage goes, you don't know what goes on behind closed doors.

OP posts:
corrupted · 24/04/2010 22:03

I love DH and DD. I don't know why I'm angry. I just get these horrible rages which I can't control. DH has been poorly with depression and although I have done my very best to support him I am left to deal with everything financially, domestic and otherwise and I think some of the anger is from that. Typing this I can see how wrong that is but I can't control it.

OP posts:
nubian1 · 24/04/2010 22:03

Message deleted

Karmann · 24/04/2010 22:04

You are far from callous - you did what you had to to get through it. The old wounds you talk about haven't actually been healed. You've thrown yourself, understandably, into everything else except dealing with what you went through. The very fact that you say you can't bear to talk about it shows that you haven't dealt with it.

WhenwillIfeelnormal · 24/04/2010 22:06

Those rages are because you are still angry and frightened at what happened, I'd guess. It sounds as though you have been open with your DH who is probably also worried and feeling guilty that his depression has unearthed greater fears and anger in you.

It's okay to be angry.

But please get some help. You desperately need it. Do it for your DD especially.

karen162 · 24/04/2010 22:07

Hi corrupted - just wanted to say that when I lost someone suddenly (not through suicide but I know the ptsd feelings) I could not even entertain the thought of counselling at first, it was far far too painful, it sounds like it was too early for you to go when you did, and perhaps a reason why it didn't go well. Also I really think Karmann is right, sounds like his dad blaming you was more to do with his dad than anything about you; I remember needing a reason so much, as did people around me. If you can ask for help from someone now, please do - I did after a while and it has helped me cope. My very best wishes to you x

jasper · 24/04/2010 22:07

The tea suggestion is good.
How does the possible affair figure amongst the love / anger towards your husband?

jasper · 24/04/2010 22:08

You love your husband but you don't want him to touch you.
Do you know why that is?

corrupted · 24/04/2010 22:08

I just feel as though it would be going back to go forwards IYKWIM. Dragging myself through the trauma and pain all over again. I don't think I could bear it.

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WhenwillIfeelnormal · 24/04/2010 22:10

But that trauma and pain isn't going to go away without it, really it won't. Treat it as like lancing a boil. It will haunt you for the rest of your life if you don't deal with it.

WhenwillIfeelnormal · 24/04/2010 22:12

Got to sign out for a while now Corrupted. Hope to be back on later.

corrupted · 24/04/2010 22:13

It does haunt me. I'll never ever understand it but I don't see how talking about it will make it loom less large. It feels like it will bring right back again in horrible detail. I have far fewer nightmares now than in the beginning but I still sleep with the light on, tv on low. I have to distract myself as soon as I wake up from bad dream/nightmare. Icannot go back to sleeping pills and nightmares about it all the time.

OP posts:
outofmysystem · 24/04/2010 22:15

Counselling is not recommended for PTSD and can make it worse,increasing the trauma.

I think you are angry with your dh because you feel he should understand how you have been there before and yet he is putting pressure on you and not taking responsibility for his own life.

He is not a child and you are not responsible for his life,happiness or depression,and when you married him it should have been fair,and equal and not all down to you.

This sense of responsibility for him is reminding you of what happened before and it's too much for you.

I think you need to separate from your husband and make him take responsibility for himself,althouigh you can offer him some limited help if he asks for it.You can be available for him without being responsible for him

Then the pressure will reduce,and if he becomes more stable you can move back in together.

liath · 24/04/2010 22:16

Having an affair won't help things though, realistically. You'll just be lobbing a grenade into your relationship with your DH and just cause guilt and anguish which you'll then have to deal with down the line.

I do understand how hard it is as my DH has depression and I just feel so cross sometimes. I know it isn't his fault but it is really really stressful and I don't have to cope with PTSD like you so no wonder you are struggling .

corrupted · 24/04/2010 22:19

Thank you to everyone who has responded. Who knows why it makes sense to vent in an anonymous environment but it does. I'll have a think about what has been said on here. It seems something has to change. Sometimes you just wish that soebody else would take control, make the decision for you.

OP posts:
jasper · 24/04/2010 22:29

corrupted I know that feeling very well (wishing someone else would take control)

for me and my trauma, counselling made things worse but I know many rate it highly

corrupted · 24/04/2010 22:37

Jasper - thank you for that. I know that many sensible and bright people suggest counselling as a healer but I just don't see it and perhaps that's my ignorance. I don't know why I don't want him to touch me, I think it's because when he does it he is looking for reassurance and comfort from me - it generally isn't sexual or at least doesn't make me feel that way. I feel as though on top of everything practical that I am picking up in our lives, he wants me to mother him as well. It's like he's a victim but sometimes I just want to be reassured, comforted, desired - even maybe controlled.

OP posts:
jasper · 24/04/2010 22:48

or at the very least, taken care of?

jasper · 24/04/2010 22:50

Maybe the other man seems like he will take better care of you? FOrgive me if I am off the mark.

I know I was very resentful of being the one who held the family together. I could cry thinking about it

outofmysystem · 24/04/2010 22:56

corrupted,I had ptsd and went to counselling which was hopeless and increased the trauma.

I am completely better now although some reminders still bring on some discomfort,it doesn't affect me unduly any more.

I now know [professionally],that although CBT can help and some of the other therapies like EMDR,they all involve a degree of "faceing" the trauma head on and remembering it,which for some people is too much and counter productive.

If you do feel you want to do this I would strongly advise you to see a specialist CBT psychologist who has much more training and experience than a "counsellor" ...which is a very generic term.

You can and will feel better about it but it may be that you might have to be selfish for a while and look after yourself as a priority.

It may be that you can't look after anyone else for a while and you need to heal.

corrupted · 24/04/2010 23:16

Thanks so much for the advice. I feel tearful that people are so kind to a stranger who is moaning about their life. There will be so many worse off than me. I'd be willing to seek help if I could guarantee that they wouldn't try and make me go back there. I honestly can't do that even if it would make me better. I cannot re-live what happened. I have spent ten years blocking it out, I can't go back.

The OM (and he is not really that as I haven't acted on it) is not at all what I would expect to be attracted to but he is a true aplha male - I can't imagine that he would ever need rescuing so perhaps that is the attraction. I know I need to knock that on the head so please don't flame me for mentioning it. I am just thinking out loud in response to some of the posts above.

OP posts:
Karmann · 24/04/2010 23:28

Rather than counselling try a life coach - they can help you to move forwards without going backwards. They can teach you to switch off your thinking mind, which is 80% negative, and find the real you.

jasper · 24/04/2010 23:37

this book changed my life

First one on the list

corrupted · 24/04/2010 23:39

Thanks for the reccomendations

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PastTrauma · 25/04/2010 08:06

When my mother committed suicide it was not discussed for 25 years

It was well locked away

Until life got on top of me (husband nice enough but never strong and very uncommunicative, work stressful etc). Something similar happened again, not that close to me, but close enough for it to enter my world and it took me back to the trauma.

At that point, I saw a bereavement counsellor and for the first time talked properly about what had happened. Having seen a few counsellors since for other reasons I can see now that the bereavement counsellor wasn't the best for me BUT I know now that sooner or later this was all going to blow up and that door could never have remained closed forever. Much has happened since this point and I am now in a position where I have huge things to deal with in my life as a single parent. TBH I couldn't do this now without revisiting and getting through that trauma. I am a much stronger person now for opening the box.

But I'm me and you're you.

Having been through what I have been through I'd say.........

Sooner or later, horrible though it may feel, I think that you need to talk to the right person about this in more detail. BUT the time has to be right for you and I would strongly suggest that you look hard for the right person.
For all of the years when I never discussed the suicide, I would never never have thought I would talk about it openly to anyone and certainly would never have believed I would speak to a counsellor.
Most people in my world know about the suicide now and although I don't talk about it a great deal it's no longer locked away. The tip I was given by the counsellor when I stopped seeing her was never to lock the box of feelings about it away again and always to keep the lid a bit open.
If you do get to the point where you think could talk about it, do some research and talk to a few counsellors before you launch fully into it. E.g. call a few helplines (is it CRUSE, the bereavement one? I think there is a specialist suicide survivors charity also, talk with your GP, look at the BACP website, etc). Talk with 3-4 on the phone and see whether you think they're right for you. It may feel scary but remember it's only a phone call - you don't have to go and meet them if you don't want to.
IME this is such a difficult thing that friends, partners, relatives will probably never understand how you feel. My husband had just no idea TBH. It was just too far from his own world. But having said that, I've found that people have been very kind now that they know and I have deeper friendships nowadays.

WhenwillIfeelnormal · 25/04/2010 09:14

How are you today Currupted?

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